Day 9

Hellooooooo...

I have to admit, I am really loving being sober! What the hell I was afraid of giving up all those years, I don't know. Most likely it was the subconscious manipulation of that living alcohol addiction doing whatever it needs to ensure it gets it's regular fix of booze in copious quantities, irrespective of the damage it causes to our bodies, lives, families, etc. After all, no parasitic organism on this planet is known as being considerate in any way, the one purpose of a parasite is survival, to the complete detriment and destruction of its host. Think of the wasp that attacks and stings the spider to paralyze it, then lays it's eggs in the spiders body. The spider remains alive though useless so the wasp larvae within it can survive and grow, gradually killing the spider. Eventually the spider dies as the parasites suck all the life from it. Alcohol, in my opinion, works much the same. Once that addiction is embedded within us and takes hold of our lives it gradually destroys us and sucks the life from us without us realizing until it's too late and our existence becomes about mindlessly feeding our parasitic. Often this alcoholic parasite kills us too. Fortunately for us we are able to come to our senses and fight back and kill off the addiction by not feeding it's lifeline of alcohol, and unlike the poor spider, we are able to survive this parasite, IF WE WANT TO, and make the conscious decision (in between the unconscious blurs of being drunk) to save our own lives and kill off the parasite.

This is where I (think I) am now. That parasitic beast within me has sucked the life from my existence for long enough now, I am fighting back with surprising resilience and strength against what I expected to be a more powerful enemy. Sure there are different levels of alcoholism and differing depths of the addition, and of course differing strengths of the "hosts", us people addicted to alcohol, to fight their addictions. Maybe I'm not "as bad an alcoholic" as I thought, or maybe my positive attitude is an unexpected weapon in the battle, who knows, but at the end of it an alcoholic is an alcoholic and becoming a non-alcoholic (NOT a sober alcoholic!!) is not easy nor has any quick fix. Of course, as some of the AA folks will attest, an alcoholic WILL ALWAYS BE an alcoholic. I do not believe that, and yesterday on an AA Facebook page I read a thread where the poster asked something along the lines of "Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic?" Just about everybody answered "yes". I found that disturbing. I do not feel that permanently labeling yourself as an alcoholic even if you never drink again is healing or good for the self-confidence and dignity. Maybe I'm being naive here, and in my inexperience with sobriety maybe rightly so. A number of people on that thread mentioned the analogy of "once the cucumber becomes a pickle, it can never become a cucumber again!" Bullshit, we're not fucking cucumbers! Cucumbers are vegetables, they don't make choices, they don't choose to become pickles! We are intelligent humans with conscious (usually) choices! Sure we may choose (whether consciously or unconsciously) to pickle ourselves in alcohol and many of us don't survive that "choice" to un-pickle ourselves, but we are still capable of choosing to un-pickle ourselves if we decide to do so!

Well I have decided I've had enough of being a pickle and I am choosing to revert back to being a cucumber! A sexy man-cucumber with arms, legs, head, etc, and a functional intelligent brain, self awareness and ALIVE!!!

I am only 9 days into this new alcohol free lifestyle, and I admit I miss the booze and get agitating and annoying cravings, especially at the end of the day when I'd normally be drinking, but I am starting to love this life of being sober! My family life is noticeably improving already, my daughter is getting the attention she deserves and she is thriving! That child really adores me, her dad; the last few days we've been chatting lots, laughing together, she tells me constantly that she loves me. We're having real fun just spending simple honest time together without dad being drunk and confused and slurring and disorderly, etc. How the hell could I have missed out on this relationship with this perfect little person for so long and not even realised the awesomeness of this father daughter bond. Of course I've always known we're close, but I've taken it for granted, and I realise now how neglected she must have felt all along whenever I've been drunk! It disgusts me that I did that, and that knowledge is enough motivation without ANY other influence to fight this addiction with all my strength, to subdue the desires for booze permanently in favour of a healthy and nurturing relationship with my little girl, a child with a heart of gold bursting with love and happiness that she just wants to share with those around her!

It's also really nice not to be suffering from hangovers day after day anymore. To wake up when my alarm goes off, after a good night's sleep (another noticeable change, I'm sleeping so wonderfully comfortably these days), get up feeling alive and refreshed and ready for the day, despite the current mornings being ridiculously cold. To go through the day not feeling mentally and physically numb, half asleep, uncomfortable and dehydrated, with a sore head. Unable to run or exercise because of a lack of energy and deadened muscles and willpower. Only to repeat it all again the next day, and the next and the next... Now I'm chirpy and talkative, making much more sense, better at my job, more communicative with co-workers and friends. Sorting out life issues which have been ignored for long enough. Etc, etc. Yes, I definitely do not miss the hangovers!

Even relations with the wife are improving. Yes she still drinks alcohol, she's not the one with the problem so I don't expect her to quit, though in fairness in the 9 days since I've last had a drink I've not seen her drink, nor is there any sign of booze around the house, except in the wine rack in the kitchen, which is fine, I'm not really a wine drinker, it doesn't bother me in the least. Our relationship has improved, seeing as I'm not as irritable and hot-tempered as before and not snapping at everything, and our bedroom door is getting locked more often (no you don't get more details, wink wink).

Suffice to say, family time has certainly improved, those delightful family hugs are far more frequent.

It's becoming increasingly noticeable how incredible the change to one's lifestyle becomes simply by cutting out alcohol. Life is just better sober, it's exciting to feel alive and looking forward to every day activities without the constant burden of factoring in when the drinking will fit in and getting annoyed and impatient when "other things" like school events, etc get in the way of drinking time. If you are not a drinker you really cannot begin to understand how much that dimension of being an alcoholic plays havoc with our lives and minds... the constant awareness of alcohol and the mental planning of when, where, how and with who the next drinking session happens. We are not really even aware of how much our lives are controlled by alcohol and planned & co-ordinated around drinking, and how much we manipulate the people around us to suit our own needs to drink.

Thinking about that reality right now actually just gave me a physical sinking feeling in my stomach at the realization of just how selfish we are as alcoholics, without even consciously meaning to be. I cannot right now think of an exact example, but I know that I have cunningly manipulated people and events countless times so that I can get my time with my bottle of whiskey. How fucking sad is that!

Never again!

I saw this post earlier, "What's The Difference Between Being an Alcoholic and Just Really, Really Liking to Drink?"and found I can relate to the sentiment rather accurately. Though I haven't had numerous attempts at months of giving up yet I have tried the moderating thing, as recently as in the first few months of this year. And yes I did manage to cut down the frequency and quantities consumed, though not by much, it was with great effort, and constantly waiting excitedly for the next session of unleashing the beast and playing catch up to quench the insatiable thirst of my booze-monster within. It wasn't long before I was fully back into the old easy ways of drinking to oblivion almost every day except on the nights before races.

I reckon that's about enough of my opinionated opinions on alcoholism for the day.

Tonight is a club run on the beachfront with my running club again. I'm feeling quite amped for a good solid 10km speed training run tonight. Then it's an easy taper for the rest of the week before that monster 50km promenade Ultra on Saturday, 10 looks of 5km. My family is coming to support, which is awesome, it'll be a long day's picnic for them waiting for me to come round every half hour, at least they'll have food and drink so I don't need to carry.

Have a great day folks!