A new beginning, a new life story.

Hello and welcome. Again.

This old blog is becoming like an old Volkswagen Beetle standing unused in a backyard shed, forgotten and rusty, every now and again taken out, dusted off and cranked up for another smoking noisy spin around the block and then parked reluctantly in it's dirty shed and left forlornly without the proper attention it deserves, until dragged out again next time as another short lived bright idea.

Maybe this proves to be another one of those times but the intention is certainly for this blog to come alive and become active daily again, the purpose being once again a tool in my personal battle for sobriety. Yeah, strait to the point - I want to try once more to claw my way out of the darkness in this ever deepening pit of loneliness called alcoholism, to find freedom and life again. I say "again", I don't even remember what life was like before alcoholism took over my entire world so many years ago, around the age of 18, not even out of school yet. The journey of how it all started and grew is another long story which I'll delve into another rainy day; it will take a lot of soul searching and digging through long ago faded archive of memories which for now are merely occasional brief flashbacks.

See, I have known for a long time, years, that I have a problem with alcohol, I have accepted this and in my heart have wanted to break free of the disease all along, and there have been times, some of which are mentioned earlier in this blog, where I have feebly attempted to stop drinking, with much self-loathing and attention seeking self-pity. Of course that was not going to last and the whiskey always won and claimed back my life for it's own evil grasp, back into the wavering fog of alcoholism until the next feeble attempt to stop for a few days, as if the alcohol is alive and taunting, teasing, knowing it would always win with the last laugh.

One of the biggest setbacks in my personal fight with alcohol is that alcoholism really is a sad, dark, lonely place. Yes sure it's often a social activity, there are always people around, many are aware that I'm an alcoholic but nobody ever says it, like most of society, people quietly turn a blind eye to an alcoholics problem, either through genuine ignorance or deliberate "head in the sand" syndrome, pretending not to notice. The easier response is judgement, condemnation and ridicule, if any at all. My wife and mom are the only two people who ever say anything against my drinking, and unfortunately it's seldom constructive or positive, often simply angering me to want to drink more through feeling embarrassed or insulted. Everybody else just drinks along merrily or simply ignores  when I'm blind drunk at the party, way more tanked than anybody else, until I become a problem by falling around, causing shit with bouncers, etc, none of this I can ever remember doing of course. I always get by far the most drunk at socials with my regular friends, all of whom drink too. Justin ALWAYS gets shitfaced... why... because along with the social beer or whiskey/soda, glass of wine in hand, I also sneakily (or often openly) swig neat whiskey straight out the bottle at regular intervals, or at bars I'm slamming a tequila with every round. The most fucked up thing of all, and now when I'm sober I cringe at the thought, is that often I still drive after drinking, sometimes with my wife and daughter in the car, often I wake up and cannot even remember driving home, and that realization terrifies me every time. Then the guilt that follows with the belittling lecture of irresponsibility from my wife brings on feelings of anger, guilt, stupidity and absolute self-hatred, and that makes me want to drink again! Being made to feel stupid and worthless is a trigger for the desire to drink. The drunken arrogance insists that I can handle driving just fine, and fortunately until now I have not been in an accident or been stopped by the police and busted DUI, but I know that is just lucky. God may have been ignoring my countless prayers over the years to help me stop drinking, but He has certainly kept us safe! Unfortunately though, everybody's luck runs out sooner or later and I know that if this drinking and driving does not stop as in NOW something terrible could happen!

The other frightening aspect to alcoholism is knowing that my beautiful intelligent daughter is growing up watching her dad being drunk and disorderly all the time. The repercussions of this influence on her life, I know, could be disastrous, there are a string of consequences which could come from her growing up with a drunk father. This is one of the, if not THE strongest deciding factors pushing me to a decision to sober up.

Two paragraphs earlier I was alluding to the fact that alcoholism is lonely, for me it really has been. I have tried the AA, going to a few meetings here in Table View (Cape Town, South Africa) a few years back, and that didn't work for me. I felt like an outsider in an established clique of old school recovering alcoholics of a different sort, I felt out of place and intimidated and barely noticed. The idea of the Big Book (whatever that is), the 12 complicated steps and the whole turning all my faith to God to save me from myself... it put me off, and I doubt anybody there even noticed that I never returned. I left there and went back to my bottle, alone and feeling sorry for myself all over again. It was almost a relief to be back in my beloved booze. Since then it's been the same lonely place.

But recently I've been looking around for options, support groups, help of some sort. From what I can tell there is nothing in my area besides the AA that I will not likely return to, unlike drugs where there is help everywhere, but I have been finding groups on Facebook, full of people like me, in the same situation who have been through or are going through the same thing, the same feelings, emotions, broken lives, desperation to escape the bottle, as I have. Two groups in particular I have found have been fantastic, the people there are inspiring, encouraging, helpful, sympathetic, and positive. Ordinary people with no commercial or self-righteous agenda's to try and bible bash other members, etc. People battling alcohol just like me, some successfully, some not so much, everybody with the same end goal. They are complete strangers, mostly on the other side of the planet. These people on simple inconspicuous Facebook groups have made me realise I am no longer alone! These are people who are interested in my story because theirs is similar, I feel like I can share, ask questions, moan when it's tough or help others who struggle. No judgement or condemnation! I didn't believe this existed!

I now have a renewed motivation to try again, to break the grip and escape this monster controlling my life called alcohol. I want to and I am going to!

One of the two groups I'm referring to above is centered around a 100 day sobriety challenge. Having read the testaments of the other members over the last few days I am inspired and confident that with their encouragement and support I can do this.

Today, I have decided, I will have a drink, a farewell of sorts, probably to the point of the usual paralytic blackouts and not remembering half the night. But that's it, finished, tomorrow I start the 100 day challenge. 100 days of zero alcohol.

A month ago I ran the Comrades marathon, 87km of tough uphill running over 12 hours, it was the hardest thing I've ever done, I had doubts about whether I'll make it despite all my training, I think most people I know, including my running club mates, didn't think I'd make it in the cut-off time, but I did, with time to spare. That feat of personal endurance was nothing compared to what this mammoth mountain will be to climb, quitting alcohol even just for 100 days is going to be by far the most difficult accomplishment of my life! But finishing Comrades has given some personal hope of having a realistic chance at beating this beast and winning!

Wish me luck...