Day 10 - 11

Good evening friends, fans and fantabulous fandamily!

Firstly... apologies for the absence of your blog fix yesterday. My internet at home was dead so I was unable to access my online blog and didn't feel like hassling with the cell phone, etc. It was another cold night and my bed was calling! For those who don't know, I live down in deepest darkest Africa, the technological infrastructure here is still far behind the rest of the world, albeit catching up gradually. I just found out today the fibre optic cabling which has been laid in my neighbourhood is now live so I've ordered my fibre internet to be installed, which should happen in the next 2 months if I'm lucky. Things don't happen so fast around here! I'm seriously envious of you guys living in the first world in the northern hemisphere and would give just about everything for the chance to relocate there, if it were that simple. But I wouldn't qualify as a political refugee! LOL.

But, this isn't about feeling sorry for myself for the misfortune of where I was born.

Meantime, the alcohol saga continues. Personally it's been a good couple of days for the most part. The evenings are the worst. Tonight I was craving massively again on the way home, mostly because I was pissed off and grumpy as a mutherfucker, and when I'm in a foul mood like that I NEED to drink, hard! Not long ago, by this time of the evening I’d have been an incoherent waste of oxygen. I wanted to make it in time for a trail run with my running club around a local nature reserve. The first trigger to my mood was the wife making me wait 15 minutes when I fetched her when she knew I had a tight time schedule; she was "finishing typing something". I kept my thoughts to myself for the sake of not starting a fight. Then I got caught in traffic getting into my area, took an hour to get a distance that normally takes 10 minutes, because some fucking dimwit caused an accident on the only route into the area, which I would have missed had we been 10 minutes earlier. I won’t even go into my thoughts about the other people, other drivers on the road, the most ridiculously stupid, selfish, fucked-up humans on this planet that seem to have spawned from this place in vast masses… So I missed my run which I'd really looked forward to. Of course being angry only compounded my craving to drink which compounded my anger knowing that I could not have that drink. And having been listening to the podcast of Annie Grace's book and all the mental conversions going on through that just confused me to shits which of course threw more fuel on my already blazing temper inferno. Despite knowing now that "needing" a drink is illogical and would only make matters worse, in any situation, especially unstable emotions of anger, my inhibitions and self-control were just swearing "oh fuck-it, just get a drink and you'll feel better", the addiction, my parasitic monster within getting uncontrollably excited that it was getting it's way and breaking me, using my impatience, anger and anxiety to manipulate it's way to getting it's fix of booze... then we stopped at the supermarket to get groceries, another trigger that gets me chomping at the bit for a drink because I hate the supermarket and the dregs of society who frequent the place; having to drag around after my wife imagining tortoises overtaking me, it takes so long. By now my blood was boiling. We passed my regular liquor store on the way into the shop and the whole time there that's all that I could think about, my familiar whiskey isle, bright and sparkling in my minds eye. On the way out the supermarket, eventually, there was my liquor store again. I stopped in the doorway, looking longingly at all those lonely looking whiskey bottles almost animatedly begging to be taken home, my booze beast going apeshit inside me like a climaxing tornado making me crazy with lust for the contents of that store... but it did not win! It was a tough battle, the booze monster fought valiantly, but I was victorious again and went home with no booze. Frazzled and exhausted from that ordeal, I climbed into that bowl of toffee in the fridge (my flopped fudge from the weekend) and fed the monster a hearty dose of sugar to shut it up. Eventually the asshole got the hint and shut up and has since left me alone for the night, no more cravings.

But that was a tough one. Combo of waiting, awful traffic, missing my run, the crappy shops, my own inner turmoil getting to grips with this alcohol free mentality, etc was challenging tonight. With the best positive attitude I can throw at this thing, it's really not easy at times, and it's always at the same times, between leaving work until after I'm home, with the same triggers. I reckon, cut out that unpleasant journey home and my desire to drink will be almost annihilated! But, that’s not going to happen! Life and responsibilities need to continue.

Ok so that was my colourful rant for the day, I am unfortunately known for my temper, and this platform being an honest interpretation of my life, it won’t be concealed when it comes out. On the plus side, the worst of my temper normally comes out when I’m hungover, then I can be a real dick, but that dimension is no more so maybe once the worst of the addiction cravings have passed I’ll learn to control my ADD and anxiety, without ever having to resort to medication, and life will be peachy with no more toys being thrown out the cot.

All that said, there is definitely a positive side to this sobering up drama that I’m noticing in the last few days. Firstly, my brain is certainly functioning a lot better, I’m much more sharp witted in conversations at work and capable of contributing to intellectual debates and technical issues. Not that I was an idiot before, I’m good at what I do but have always noticeably been a little on the “slow” side. Not anymore, now I’m on the ball.

The other thing is my confidence, self-confidence is at a level I’ve never experienced. It’s by no means arrogance, I cannot stand arrogance in the slightest and do not intend to become like that, but I’m feeling like I’m coming alive, out from under a rock from a 20 year hibernation of sorts and suddenly I’m less shy and not afraid to face people and speak up. I’ll give an example. My boss is an asshole, a bully sporting the worst arrogance I have ever experienced in another human. For 4 years we have bumped heads and he has actively and repeatedly picked on me and belittled me at work, psychologically, breaking me down and insulting me on a personal level time and time again, treating me like a complete idiot and making me feel absolutely worthless and useless, repeatedly and deliberately humiliating me in front of my colleagues, my staff whom report to me as a manager. How can people ever respect me when I’m put down like that in front of them repeatedly? And all the time like a pussy I have shut up and taken it without fighting back, purely for the sake of keeping my job. Because you see, for those of you in other parts of the world who don’t know how this country works, being a white male in a completely racist country run and corrupted by a black majority government in an economic society governed by all levels of “affirmative action” laws, I don’t stand much chance of getting another job out there. I’m lucky to have one, and my boss knows that. People here are not hired on merit. If I applied for a job with all the right qualifications and experience and a black guy with a criminal record who has not finished school applies, he will get the job. It’s actual LAW here! Another reason I wish I could pack up my family and leave this godforsaken racist wasteland.

Anyway, back on track, so that’s the history with my boss, basically he has differing sets of rules for different people depending on how well you kiss his arse and conform to his ways. I am a stubborn fool, I will not kiss anybody arse for any reason, and that is my downfall.

But yesterday he came into my office and had another dig at me in front of my colleagues over something petty and I stood up, without intending to, and called him a “fucking asshole” to his face, and proceeded to shit on him for the way he speaks to me. He did not like this and blew his top, and by now I was so furious I was actually shaking and he attacked more but I kept going back at him. Eventually 2 hours later we were still at it but it had strangely quietened into a more civil conversation than a fight. I didn’t expect that, I told him outright I was already looking for another job and he actually intimated that he didn’t want that. I actually think he developed some respect for me yesterday, all because I have a new confidence level to take a risk and stand up to his bullying, because I’m less insecure and numbed by alcohol. Maybe the relationship will improve, I don’t know, time will tell. I would really love nothing more than to get out of there and start somewhere fresh if the opportunity arose, but for now I’m stuck by the colour of my skin so using my newfound confidence and wit I will improve the situation and make the better of it.

Something else I wanted to discuss today (every day there’s so much, but I’ll get to it all in time), is something somebody mentioned on the LDB group in response to one of my posts yesterday, sorry I don’t recall who. It was a comment that likened me to “spontaneous sobriety”. A concept discussed in Annie Grace’s book “This Naked Mind”. Again, I have to confess I am loving that book, it’s so fascinating, I love her refreshing approach to becoming a non-drinker through changing our mental perception towards alcohol to become free from the addiction. That’s where this spontaneous sobriety idea is so fantastic. In a nutsack, it defines an alcoholic who has stopped drinking successfully through changing one’s outlook about drinking and one’s reasoning behind drinking, and literally stopped drinking alcohol, WITHOUT the support of any of the formal institutions for sobriety such as the AA, rehab, counselling, etc. The main difference being you become free of the addiction and move on with your life happily as a non-drinker, and not living the rest of your life with the burden of being labelled an alcoholic having to forever be aware of the desire to drink and having to control that desire and feel like you need meetings and a sponsor and support systems and divine intervention etc to keep you out of the bottle. No, this way you simply choose to release yourself from the conflict within between your conscious choice of not wanting to drink and your subconscious conditioning that is addicted to drink, you choose a better life without booze, you take control of your life and your choices and you move on free from the burden of alcoholism.


I hope my description is making sense. I listened to that chapter in Annie’s book today and I think that is me exactly, again another way in which I relate almost as if I’m the context and case study of her book, so much of that book is almost a mirror of my own life through alcohol. It is giving me the hope and confidence that I can and will beat this thing and kill the addiction, the alcohol monster within me!

Anyway, it’s late now. I just wanted to end off by saying that am so grateful for where I am right now, albeit a humble 11 days sober only, I am learning so much every day about myself and about alcoholism and about life and it is proving to be a fascinating journey. And I’m grateful for the people involved, you know who you are, you’re probably reading this blog right now! Thank you for being there! No it’s not easy, at times I would like to take the simple cowardly way out and just drop my guard and allow the booze to take over again, but those moments are short lived and getting weaker (except today, that was a nasty one!) and day by day I’m realising how idiotic and senseless it would be to break down and get pissed and screw it all up and have to start all over again! I don’t want that, I don’t want to get drunk again, even if I do drink alcohol again in future that will only be when I am in complete control, I will not fall back into that dark ugly abyss of numb, senseless drunken fog. It makes no sense to do that, to disappoint my family again, to disappoint myself, and do stupid shit and say stupid shit, do more damage to my mind and body, etc, etc. I’m looking forward to learning to enjoy social functions for the circumstances and the people, conversations, laughter, debates and the places, and NOT have it being all about alcohol and being dependant on alcohol to have a good time.

And also, I hope that someday when I’m free I can inspire others to follow the same path to a life free from the shackles of alcohol addiction. I’m already practicing on my wife, even though she fell asleep when I played her Annie’s book in the car earlier.

But first, I need to get through this successfully. The road to success is still long with many deceptive turns along the way to avoid. Long journey to go yet, but let’s make it an adventure and have some fun getting there!

(I know, so damn cheesy!)