Day 3

Cravings are shit!

Right now I'm going crazy! It's only 3 measly days since the last drink, it's also the longest I've been without a drink in ages, months! I'm quite ashamed to admit that morbid fact, but that's the point of this - to admit to the darker facts around this life of alcoholism, honesty, to contrast the ugliness and damage against the life that could be, could have been, that's been missed out on for so long. I suppose one small blessing is I simply cannot remember all the doom and gloom of being drunk, but then realistically that is all time, countless hours of my life lost, blacked out, wiped out and wasted. Our life spans are limited, really quite short, and if it were possible to calculate the time lost to the dark fog of alcoholism (referring to being drunk, not just casual moderate drinks) it will probably work out to a shockingly large percentage of my total time alive since birth to death! Add in the time lost to nursing hangovers, fuzzy conversations the day after through a throbbing headache, unnecessary fuck-ups at work, turning away people we love to feel sorry for ourselves alone, wasted Saturdays or Sundays spent lazying around being completely useless because of yet another massive binger the night before... it's a lot of life lost and wasted! Thinking about all this as it flows from my head right now I have to admit it just seems utterly stupid! What a ridiculously dumbass and depressing realization - so much of my life has been lost to that evil poison, time that can never be reclaimed! Alcohol truly makes us stupid!

(You want to know a little about me, this article is like looking in a mirror at a female version of myself. Anxiety is definitely a dominant personality trait of yours truly: What its like to live with high functioning anxiety.)

Today's entry admittedly is coming out sounding rather down and depro, it's echoing the way I'm feeling this evening. I do apologise for the sense of humour failure. I'll try to explain... the usual triggers which usually brings the whiskey bottle to the lips abound in force tonight! I came home craving like crazy, usual minor end of day irritations on arriving home just seem compounded today. I lost my temper with the wife over something petty, when her and her mother gang up on me over shit like the fucking budgies cages aren't cleaned I lost my temper unreasonably and stormed out. It took some harsh internalization and reality check to remind myself of the mission and it's importance, and to NOT go strait to the pub. The desire to drink was incredibly strong, the alcohol monster was shouting. But I didn't, I calmed, waited for the wife and we went to the shop to get dinner instead. I didn't appreciate the boxes of wine being snuck into the trolley, the words "unfair" and "unsupportive" came to mind, but I kept quiet and accepted that is selfish sentiments on my part. Having full support at home would be a big help in this battle, ie. an alcohol free house, but I accept that I'm the one with the drinking problem, not them, it feels like expecting solidarity will be punishing the "moderate" drinkers for my sins. So i'll keep quiet and keep it to myself. In fairness, they do tend to not drink in front of me this week, I think they appreciate that I go to bed early then they can indulge guilt free.

Other triggers currently, the worst, as always, boredom! If not for typing up this blog I'd be going mental. Wife & mother-outlaw have the lounge and TV watching their soapies on full volume for most of every evening which irritates me far more than I care to show. Being in Africa, many of the shows are in various African languages with English subtitles. I can't see the screen so I'm just listening to this loud annoying yabba yabba bla bla, none of which I can understand. I feel like the stranger in my own house, like one of the dogs that must just shut up and stay out the way of the women doing their thing, often squabbling, 3 generations arguing or loudly debating from across the house, or yelling at the dogs, or barking orders at me, etc etc. My life does not involve any much needed peace and quiet time in my own home, so I escape the noise and boredom by either running or drinking or both (drinking after running of course). As for running, it's bloody freezing here at the moment, going out to run is not appealing, and besides right now it feels like I've completely lost my mojo. It's probably got to do with the no-drinking, I just don't feel like bothering, it's easier to stay inside and lazy and feeling sorry for myself for missing my booze. But I know I HAVE to get moving again soon, I'm getting lazier and fat, fast. That is proving to be the other setback to not drinking, after only 3 days the food consumption is becoming a problem, for which a management plan of action needs to be composed and activated soon to set up an active balance between eating right and exercising! Maybe after a few days this non-drinking thing will settle somewhat, I'll find some energy levels again and get into a healthier routine. But for today - fuck that, I feel like shit, unhappy, and hungry (dinner is still a long way off!) Today the sulk is master, pity party with my Coke Zero; tomorrow will be better...

Most likely, it's just  that my monster is thirsty and pissed off for not getting it's drink and taking it out on my mind and emotions. But this nasty bastard can just shut it's foul life-sucking trap, it's not getting a drink. I am going to learn to tame this beast and eventually kill it!

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In other news, my daughter is home from holidays at her grandparents. Really good to have her back, but of course she's back in front of her computer watching her shows on YouTube, etc like the rest of us don't exist. It's only allowed now on a weeknight because it's school holidays. It's cool, she's home safe, and daddy's back full time now, we have plenty of time.

For now, I'm going to plug in some headphones and listen to another chapter of This Naked Mind, waiting for dinner. Wife asked Tammy what she wants as a welcome home dinner, she asked for roast chicken! Could be a while still...

Anyway, thanks for listening to my miserable rant, I do feel better from writing this, and the craving is gone, for now. Monster is sleeping.

Tomorrow I might be quiet. I have a trail run with my club after work then I'm going through to the recording studio to lay the drum tracks for a new tune my band is working on. And that's another regular drinking situation to break - band nights. Too many times I've ended the session trashed, and still drive home 30km in that state from Durbanville to Table View. It will be nice to do it sober for a change, if my bassist can take no for an answer to his usual generous offers of box wine!

G'night!