Today, like yesterday, I feel alive! It feels like I'm gradually coming back to life from a long hibernation. No hangover, or that day after the hangover hangover of fuzziness and lethargy. It's good to be back! Yet I say that now at 10.30am long before the cravings usually kick in!
Yesterday after work was another 'delightful' drive home in the traffic, some extra special knuckleheads were driving around in my vicinity yesterday, got my hackles raised like the selfish idiots manage to effect every day. One day I'll learn to control my impatience and road rage. One thing at a time. Alcoholism first! Funny to note though, I have two vehicles, a stupid little Hyundai Atos, really not much more than a biscuit tin with trolley wheels and a lawnmower engine. At least it has working air con. My other car is a big old Land Rover Discovery 2, fully off-road bush-worthy with big all terrain tyres, raised suspension, massive solid bull-bar on the front, etc. Tough piece of machinery. Driving in traffic in the Atos and people bully me around as if I'm completely insignificant, zero respect or consideration whatsoever. It's a zippy little car but I have to watch the other drivers who often come close to driving me into the gutter. BUT, when I'm in the Landy then I'm king! Even the lawless obnoxious minibus taxi drivers do not push their luck because I'm bigger and stronger. I get gaps opened as if Moses is standing on my bonnet with his staff raised in anger and people show me respect. You wouldn't think it but the vehicle you drive definitely does make a difference to one's driving experience and road safety!
That said, it matters not what you drive, to drive drunk you are the asshole in every way!
So last night I didn't blog because, as I was saying before getting sidetracked above, I got home, irritated with humans in general, like most days (I could quite happily live as a recluse in the wilderness, with WiFi of course!)... I'd intended to have some dinner and hang around at home a while, but shit happened, mother-outlaw pissed on my battery again. If you've followed my blog for the last 5 days you'll have realised that this is the time of day I'm most vulnerable to desires and cravings for alcohol. The reasons and triggers are at the max. Getting whined at over crap while in that sensitive state just got my blood boiling. I retreated to my bedroom and screamed into a pillow, veins just about bursting out my forehead, took a few deep breaths and went back out sporting the mother of fake smiles.
I sat and chatted to my beautiful daughter for a while about our days and the cool stuff I'm planning for the weekend. I'll take her on a daddy-daughter date, she absolutely loves those! Simple cliche things like movies and a pizza. (It's looking to be too stormy for the theme park, Ratanga Junction this weekend) The idea of our dates, bearing in mind she's 9 years old, is to teach her how girls should be treated by boys. I treat her kindly and gently and politely, good manners like opening doors for her, etc. We get home and she's always had a great time feeling safe and treated like the little lady she is. I hope it leaves some kind of lasting impression for when the time comes for her to find boys and romance so she chooses nice boys and not little shits whom I'll have to make disappear! Honestly, I'm dreading that phase, boys, I'm not ready for that shit yet, my little girl is an only child and my whole world, I am and will remain incredibly protective over her, so much so it will probably become a nuisance and embarrassment to the poor kid. Tuff shit, at least she will know that dad has her back no matter what!
This is repeated news but Tammy is my number one reason for ditching the booze, or trying to at least (long way to go to call it any realistic kind of success). When she was little it was easy enough to not let it affect her, but she's a bright kid, and now she sees it. Fortunately I'm not an aggressive drunk, I get quite affectionate and can be quite fun, but I still behave like an idiot especially into the blackout stage where all sense of reason and coherence is gone. Funny for a baby, not for a fast growing girl with a learning mind that is absorbing everything she experiences, including dad acting like an idiot and useless in helping with homework! So many times over the years she's asked me to read her bedtime stories and I've had to say no because I was too drunk to read, or tried to and it came out as incoherent blabber. Saying this now, in hindsight, brings a horrible sadness to my heart! How could I have done this to my baby?
Now these days she knows what "drunk" means, and a few times recently she's commented on "dad you're drinking again". The hurt and embarrassment and confusion it brings to my confuddled state when my daughter calls me out for pissing it up again, it's absolutely horrible, few times in life that I've felt more worthless! My response, have another swig of whiskey drowning in self pity.
No, fuck that, I cannot go back to that again! I will not hurt Tammy like that again. From now on it's every effort to be the best dad I can be. I know she loves me dearly, she already regards me as her hero, her favourite person, despite my faults and stupidity with drinking. I cannot and will not disappoint my Princess like that again, time to be a real dad!
You see, this is why writing this blog works, composing it all down in creative words puts it all into a clearer perspective in ways I don't normally randomly think about. It's like lifting the fog to expose, clear as daylight, the true situation and the mess I've made through being a drunk. I know the more "correct" way of labeling us addicted drinkers is "alcoholic", but I'm no different to an outright drunk than the hobo passed out in the gutter clutching his brown paper bag clad bottle of cheap plonk. I no longer want to be a "drunk"! I also do not want to be labelled as a sober alcoholic. I want to and will become a non-alcoholic. Whether that means not ever drinking alcohol at all or somewhere in the future being in complete control, unaddicted, able to enjoy a drink without any desire to get drunk. But I think that's been said before too.
I will however recommend this idea of blogging, keeping a journal of one's journey through fighting this addiction, whatever stage you're at, to anybody able to read and write. Whether it's public like mine or private and secret, I am finding this exercise of writing down my thoughts, feelings, ideas, stories and personal reasons for wanting to quit to be incredibly therapeutic and a massive relief. It's as if putting it all in writing takes the burden out of my head. And, to be honest, just a few days into sobriety, or non-drinking (I don't like that word "sobriety", it feels so clinical and institutionalized) I'm finding a creativeness with words unlike I was ever aware I had. People have often said I write well, and on Facebook I've often been referred to as a "Grammar-Nazi" because poor basic written English annoys me with great irritation, I realise unreasonably. But I'm really enjoying this. Once I start typing it just flows, and a little secret (shhhh), I might even turn this into a book someday, if it gets that far.
Anyway, the point is, I implore anybody in a similar circumstance to sit down and write about it, just let the words flow. If you do and you come back and tell me it it has NOT made you feel better, I'll punch myself in the face and send you a pic of the black eye! (Yeah don't bullshit now for a laugh!)
Ok, after the blow-up with the outlaw over opinions about the water bill, and the chat with the Tamster, I slapped together a cheese sandwich, loaded up my drum kit and left to head to the recording studio at my bass guitarists' house. I spent the rest of the evening tracking the drums for a fun new rock tune my band is working on called "Werewolf". I'll talk about the band another day. As usual Alan my hippie 64 year old bassist offered me some wine, I politely declined and took a glass of Coke instead. Strangely, I did not even miss drinking alcohol last night, I felt great for not drinking actually and noticeably enjoyed being sober with all my wits about me to pull off some cracking, tight AF (the other one!) drum beats. Driving home sober was a feeling of freedom I did not expect! I listened to some more of "This Naked Mind", in audiobook. It's actually an incredible book, it's an unexpected and practical, refreshing, modern way of thinking about alcoholism. I will break this addiction, and this book will be pivotal in that success.
So tonight is going to be the biggest challenge of this mission so far. After work I'm meeting some friends at the local pub, the Flaming Fox, a place I've consumed vast quantities of beer, tequila, etc over time. The one guy, Myles, a running buddy, and I usually chug down easily 10 liters of beer on a Friday night, like some unwritten competition, before I go home to club half a bottle of whiskey and turn Saturday into a complete waste. I've just noticed on our friends Whatsapp group it's turning into quite a crowd tonight. I've already told Myles I'll be there but I'll be a cheap date, no alcohol. You, whoever is reading this, has my word, I WILL NOT drink any alcohol this evening. To be honest, and this is peculiar, I'm not even worried about not drinking. In fact, quite the contrary, I am looking forward to socializing with drinkers and not drinking. Usually I'm the one who's too pissed to hold up an intellectual conversation or catch the jokes, tonight will be an interesting exercise watching my friends deteriorate into spluttering stumbling clowns. Ok, sorry, that's a rather hypocritical statement which I'll withdraw (but not delete because it's funny). Point is, 5 days sober and I'm going in to a drinking party in a familiar drinking hole. When I get home tonight I will compose my blog for day 5, and it will be clear whether I broke or not by the way my sentences are strung together...
Besides, I have a race on tomorrow!
Anyway, I've now spent the last hour writing this at work. My boss will have a hernia if he finds me blogging in working hours. So for now, cheers, have a brilliant Friday!
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As an afterthought, I just saw this on an Alcoholics Anonymous facebook group:
"My name is ****** and I am an alcoholic. I have abstained from alcohol for a long period of time twice in my life. The first time was for 4 and a half years. The second, for almost 2 years. Both times, it was due to falling in love. The moment my relationship ended I went back to alcohol. I did not understand why at the time but I do now. What I did was replace the alcohol with a relationship. That was only a temporary solution. Since my coming into AA again, I have learned that I can only replace alcohol with the AA way of life. Nothing else!"
Just my opinion, this guy's story is sad, but what I find quite depressing is the last statement, "Since my coming into AA again, I have learned that I can only replace alcohol with the AA way of life. Nothing else!" I'm sorry but there HAS to be more to life after alcohol than just the AA way of life. To me that sounds like a complete brainwashing. Again, no disrespect to the many people for whom the AA has worked to save them from alcoholism. But for me, I want to live my life free and alive, independent of alcohol or the label of being an alcoholic! I plan to live my life MY way by my own choices and mistakes, not the archaic AA way guided by the Big Book and accountable to a "sponsor", always a diseased alcoholic until death takes me from this world and thereafter I'll always be remembered as "Justin the Alcoholic, who quit drinking 45 years ago", and nothing else dignified!
Am I being arrogant by thinking this way? Am I going to be eating some humble pie for saying this?
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