Unreasonably Insane Craving

Yeah I know, 4th blog in a day, must be my record. It's 6.30pm and I'm at home and losing my fucking mind and as much as I know it's unreasonable it's unstoppable. Certain compounding triggers have angered me to boiling point and all I want to do is reach for the bottle and down a big hearty gulp of whiskey, I know that will calm my bad mood in an instant. That craving is mighty convincing and it's taking a lot of effort not to do it! But I've made almost a week now, I'm not going to break! Not yet!

I didn't feel like going for a run after all that build up earlier, we got back a bit late and I'm in a foul sad mood. I had my mind set on parking in front of the computer in peace and working on my stuff but it's been occupied again. Then I couldn't find the key to the side door at my desk, it was eventually found in a fucking box! WHY WHY WHY was it there! Why can people just not put things where they belong!!! This place is an absolute flipping dump, the mess just grows and grows and it's making me mad! Things being put in a different place all the time infuriates me, as a creature of habit. I won't bother to express in the necessary expletives what it does to my blood temperature when my personal stuff gets moved and messed with (like my bathroom scissors!)

I really really need a strong drink right now!

But I must admit this blog is probably like the AA sponsor whom an alcoholic would call as the crutch to bitch and rant on like I'm doing here to relieve the craving for a drink. I'm not sure I'd feel comfortable whining and pitying myself speaking to some other person albeit having been through the same thing, well to anybody really. My "woe is me" moan as Wife has often referred. Maybe I should talk to a shrink, somebody who has to listen and be understanding and not have to be friends with afterwards, though I'm not sure that idea instills a lot of comfort either. No I like the blog, it doesn't talk back, argue or offer clinical advice. It just listens!

Wife found me lying on my bed in my room a while ago looking at my phone (starting a new blog post actually), I was hiding away from the noises and bickering and and my own frustrations and from the sheer boredom I go through when I'm home in the evening unable to access my stuff and not passing the time by getting shitfaced. The constant fighting between the three females in this house does my head in, another madness soothed by the sweet nectar of intoxication. She asked what's wrong and chirped some snotty comment again. She has no clue what's going on here. She has no interest so she has no idea what I'm doing or going through right now, though in fairness nor does anybody else. I have not mentioned any of this to anybody. It's better this way, I don't want sympathy or pity. This is my battle, I need to face it and fight it alone. Other people are not interested in the whimperings and pains of an alcoholic, even one trying to break free. Probably because they've heard it all before and have all long since lost interest, condemning us to a certain early death by the bottle, by our own irresponsible stupidity. To be honest, I am always aware that this addiction could kill me and I know the ways it can do so, particularly through liver damage, and despite my constant battles to lose weight and ferocious cardio exercising especially running I also know that a large part of my bulging "belly" is due to a swollen liver. Yet despite knowing all this the alcohol makes us alcoholics feel invincible. "If it hasn't got me by now then I'm probably ok". Yet being clear headed this deadly reality is a great fear which cause quiet despondency, but only until the next craving for the spirit takes over all logical reason and the manipulative spirits fog my mind back into the darkness of ignorance once more.

I'm getting tired of this now, tired of this battle with the booze, tired of my life revolving around the next drinking session and the resulting hangover, tired of missing out and messing up because of drinking. This is coming to the point where I know if I don't change my life drastically and drop this evil affliction in place of a healthier lifestyle very soon it's unlikely I'm going to get another chance. It is literally a case of do or die. And I'm not ready to die!

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Anyway, I'm now having dinner. Home made fish cakes and spaghetti, and veggies which I asked for, I was craving some vegetables. I do feel better now.

One thing with me and drinking - food is always a deterrent to drink. When I'm drinking I seldom eat because food fills the stomach and takes away the desire to drink. That's why when we have a party I seldom eat until I'm too plastered to drink anymore, if at all. So the same tactic seems to work to quell the cravings now while trying not to drink too. This is a bad thing, for the same reasons smokers put on weight when quitting the fag; eating becomes a replacement for the bad habit. I've quit smoking twice (8 months smoke free now!) and never put on weight as a result because I've always picked up the running pace and consciously eaten healthy. Beating this beast, I fear, might not be so simple!

Giving up smoking was tough both times, but that was a piece of piss compared to this!

If I can keep this up and hold out, I know I'm in for one hell of a ride if my temper and mood swings today were any indication of how this goes! I feel bad for my family, though I do hope they could on some level be understanding. I don't expect help, I gave up on that hope ages ago, but some mild understanding would go a long way.

That said, if it weren't for you, dear diary, it would not be possible!

Goodnight!