Downer

Just a quick bit of blog therapy as right now I'm down in the doldrums. Miserable! Mainly because of my usual cause for depression - money. The lack of it and the constant demand to keep on dishing it out causes immeasurable stress and anxiousness! There are purchases I need to make to get my sauces marketable, like labels and more bottles and ingredients to make more stock. Then there's this weekend away that I'm actually not looking forward to because of lack of money, which I know is going to cause problems and fights with the wife because money is often the cause of friction between us. I know she looks down on me because I'm poor. She makes more money than I do so she spends more than I do on necessities and bills and generally seems to have access to more. My cash availability is transparent, it's always the same, no secrets, yet the Wife's cash flow is a complete mystery to me, despite always having my head bitten off over money running out yet there's money for holidays, etc. The debt that she digs herself deeper into terrifies me because it drags us both down. I don't get deeper into debt, my debt remains at the same level, I just don't bring in enough cash to sustain my own expenses on a month to month basis, living from pay check to pay check, counting pennies after the 3rd of every month until the next salary hits my bank account only to all be taken away by debts ind interest withing days.

That is the point of this chili sauce exercise - not for fun - I want to try to build up a steady cash inflow on the side, hoping it will gradually increase to the point of building capital to expand to better infrastructure and other products and eventually have a professional production supplying retailers with awesome products. But none of that can happen if I can't even scrape together the basics to get the first batch on the market! But we're going on holiday!

Keeping my mouth shut!

It's these kinds of absolute frustrations that gets me so constantly depressed! On top of that I'm doing a day job that I don't like, eg today I'm doing the job of somebody else who actually reports to me, and I don't know the details of his job like I'm supposed to as the department head, mainly because my own menial work keeps me too busy to learn those ever changing details. It's frustrating and humiliating, and I don't like it. But I have to sit here and do this job for most of my waking hours to bring in that pittance of a salary at the end of the month in an effort to keep the bills paid and the debts from sinking deeper, leaving very little time or resources to work on building a better life. When you are constantly on the back foot trying to play catch-up it's impossible to get ahead and make progress. All I need is a break, a small lotto win or something to get ahead and get a small business going. But that's not how life works, especially as a white male in this country that doesn't have family money as a springboard to build on something worthwhile. This struggle is something I cannot clearly explain, especially having to also deal with alcoholism, ADD, etc.

Now I'm expressing in more detail than I normally do how I feel on a regular and often constant basis. It's times like this that I use as reason to drink, which only makes it worse but the thought of which usually excites me. Like "fuck the world and all it's crap, I'll just go home and drown my thoughts in that black fog again." And I look forward to that! Times like this that make an endeavor to not drink very very difficult to maintain. More often than not these days I feel like my life is pointless, it's an irreparable balls-up that's going nowhere but downwards into more misery and difficulty. I'm trying to put on a positive front, and really I am trying to see the good and the opportunities but they are just not happening, everything just seems out of reach and now I'm brutally aware that I'm moving into the older years of my life and in a few short years it will be time to retire and I will have NOTHING to take with me. I don't want to be alive for that! I don't want to be a wasted forgotten old alcoholic in some abusive government old-age home with not two cents to rub together, long forgotten by my family! These are the things that fill my mind these days. I'm afraid of what life holds. Afraid that all my ideas and ambitions will amount to nothing because of the financial hole my life has amounted to, and in the end I will never manage to catch up and be something my daughter can be proud of someday!

But that is the one thing that keeps me going, keeps my mind working to keep on trying - I have to do it for my Tammy! That kid is my heart and soul, she drives my world and somehow I have to make this all work out for the better, for her sake!

I know that if anybody heard me saying these things they'll laugh at me, because we live in a nice house and have a comfortable life. And yes, that's how it seems. But what's a nice house if you can't afford some paint to make it look nice or get the pool serviced or the leaking geyser repaired or even buy a new pair of underwear every now and then. Appearances are deceptive, because I have no spare money to work with once all the ridiculous bills and debt payments have been made every month! Nothing! And it's killing my soul!

Now I really feel the urge to drink stronger than any other time this week, because I'm crying inside, and drinking is all that makes that better. Tonight is going to be agony!

I've really had enough of being miserable and alone and struggling with my own weaknesses all the time!