Day 22

News flash - so I'm going to discontinue apologizing for skipping days of writing this blog. Life is busy, shit happens, I simply don't have the time every day to sit and compose a lengthy blog (because I can't do a half-arsed effort, I've got a lot to say when I sit down and start writing), so when time permits and the creative juices are brewing then I'll unleash my thoughts into these blog posts. Please be patient, they will come.

Right now, it's 8pm, I'm at home and incredibly irritable and seriously in need of a strong drink. The irritating yabbering, mumbling, yelling and faffing around me in the house, TV on full volume, and a hell of a tooth & ear ache all compounding boredom, and pushing my anxiety to insanity. You look at me and see a face, but behind my eyes are a thousand bells, whistles, sirens, jackhammers and Roman trumpets all blaring at full force. These moments are triggers which usually drive me to drink to get drunk to dull the noise, right now not having that outlet and not quite knowing in this moment what to do is driving me considerably mad! I went to gym earlier and had a great 45 minute spinning class, sweated buckets over a fantastic workout and felt great, fantastic stress release from a busy work day and a good booze cravings buster. But then I have to go home.

There is a plan going forward, the games/entertainment room which was once my study which is now a big disgusting dump-site for all the household odds and ends, and washing, that I cannot stand even entering the room anymore because the sight of it infuriates me... the beautiful expensive pool table in there which once was the entertainment hub in the house, now just a surface for more crap to be dumped on, is in the process of being sold. Once that is out the way I'm going to insist that everything in there get cleared out and packed away or I am going to burn it. I am sick of that mess. My desk with my computer where I used to spend a lot of my time is such a mess I cannot stand sitting there anymore, and both my PC screens are stuffed. The plan is to turn it back into a tidy study and a gym room and a space to relax away for the annoying bustle around the house, so that just maybe what should be my home and solace and escape from the big bad world will once again harbour a small corner that I can escape to and relax and enjoy an hour or two of peace where I am not constantly craving a hardcore fucking drink to calm my irritated and pissed off vibe much like the one I'm engulfed in right now, resulting in this blog being a miserable bloody waste of time. Next year when I start my degree I will need the quiet space, because working here at the dining table in the centre of this noisy place I don't stand a chance of passing an exam, let alone completing any modules before giving up.

I need to take up reading again in the meantime too, methinks. It has really taken me by surprise how much free time I now have in the evenings now that my mind is now awake and alive and not anesthetized by alcohol.

I did have topics I was thinking about and mentally composing earlier in the day to make this blog interesting, but honestly I can't be arsed right now. We're allowed to have our bad moods sometimes and I'm sure the pain in my face from what is no doubt an infected tooth is really bringing on the "bear with the sore tooth" syndrome which is causing terrible ear ache and these people standing around me yelling at each other actually hurts. The fact that I cannot afford a dentist and my medical insurance is also useless means I have to just grin and bear it and hope it goes away. Some whiskey would have numbed this pain albeit temporarily, it would be heavenly right now, but since that's not an option I will just ride out this foul mood with some written bitching!

So yes, this craving and actual emotional "need" for a drink is infuriatingly strong, but do not fear, I won't crumble to defeat.

One story I will share about this last weekend, on Saturday night I went to a friends birthday party, actually the bass guitarist in my band, a 65 year old chemical scientist who looks like a combination of Gandalf and the last surviving real 60's hippie, an incredibly great guy and also an alcoholic. The two of us for years have pretty much consistently been pissed at band practice, more so at the parties. We have enormous fun rocking out backline tunes when we're pissed, much to the frustration of the rest of the band, to whom our wicked rhythms must sound well out of whack!

I knew I wasn't going to drink and really looked forward to the party as a sober reveler, and that expectation did not disappoint. The party was fun, my band did a rocking half hour set and everybody else was drinking, except me and the children. I had fun, laughed a lot, socialised with confidence to the end, and drove my family home with no fear of road blocks or causing an accident.

It was great, I am truly enjoying socialising without alcohol. I'm finding it easy to not drink in social environments and actually not missing or craving drinking, yet, probably because my mind is busy and distracted by the people and activity. It's these boring evenings at home which I am finding particularly excruciating at times, even popping out thoughts of giving in and just escaping to my bottle like before. I've even thought of taking up smoking again for some relief! I have to check myself and remember the reasons I decided to not drink and all the bad things the alcohol does, and the mission and determination to at least make that 100 days without so much as a sniff of alcohol. I know now that I'm strong enough to do this, but it doesn't mean it's easy and smooth sailing all the way. Right now I miss it like a nasty destructive abusive ex wife who was only good for short-lived great sex that always ended in ugly fights and unhappiness, right now I'm horny so the thought of that great sex blurs out all the other ugly realities. But deep down I know that as soon as the wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am is over the ugliness returns. (I just made up that analogy to booze, cool hey!)

But, I must admit I feel much better now, having vented on my blog, and the noisies seem to have retired to their warrens, the craving is easing back.

And no I will NEVER smoke cigarettes again!

I know that I have come across as being positive about this no drinking thing over the last 3 weeks, I'm sure that's been possible partly because I'm seemingly not as "severe" an alcoholic as some other people, we're all different in our journeys and dependence on alcohol, it seems that I'm able to control this without external assistance or interference, my friends on the Facebook groups seem to have been enough like-minded support in my own circumstances along with the strong desire to no longer be controlled by alcohol to be able to fight this thing. It's also partly because that's just how my personality ticks, I like to help people and through my own experience with alcoholism I believe I'm poised and capable of inspiring and motivating others with positivity and brutal honesty to overcome their own booze demons, or I hope so anyway, and that is an encouragement to stick to this path of sobriety with determination to succeed, otherwise it will come across as hypocritical to help others to be strong when my own wheels are falling off.

Point I was heading for is sometimes that positive attitude is also forced at times. I get down and depro over this booze thing sometimes too because it is not an easy battle, in fact it's easily one of the toughest challenges I have ever faced, mentally, physically and emotionally. It sure will be easy to just say fuck-it, I'll start again next week, and stop in at the liquor store and get some relief, break this resistance and just slump into a corner and get drunk, and deal with it like so many hundreds of times before. At the grocery store this evening, on the way out passing the liquor store my wife caught me slowing down and looking longingly inside and she said to me "well done", that I've done so well, and I appreciate her doing that, it snapped me back to reality and I walked on. That booze addiction is getting desperate and trying subconscious manipulation to get a fix, it takes a determined strength to keep my resolve strong.

I believe I will see this through, at least to 100 days, and probably on past that. But it is difficult being strong, probably more so than is outwardly showing. But then I suppose if quitting alcoholism were easy it wouldn't be such a worldwide epidemic, and the trillion dollar alcohol industry would collapse and many people would be jobless.

Have a great evening, I'm going to bed.