Day 2

Yeah don't laugh, it's only been two days without a drink and the cravings were out with some bigger artillery this evening. Couple of familiar triggers aiming their barrels at me... sitting in traffic; one of my severe pet hates in life is sitting in traffic. We all get a little impatient sitting in traffic but for me it's a massive frustration. I have adult ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder), and some people have suggested I get medicated for anxiety because I am, and I know I am, an abnormally anxious person. The perfect ready made reason (excuse) to drink copiously, and I use that one to the max. Every day I get home from work and I'm pissed off with having dealt with another hour of every dimwit driving a motor vehicle in the country being on my journey home, and trust me, they drive badly here in Africa! It drives me mental, today was no different, compounded by a frustrating argument with the wife... the thoughts of whiskey were big!

But, fortunately, being Tuesday it's also our weekly afternoon run with my running club, which I was already running late for, as usual, because fate being the asshole she is, traffic on a Tuesday is always worse, like they're ALL out to grate my goose to a temper explosion!

I made it just in time for my run, then all was fine! It was freezing out there tonight and a bit breezy but it was another spectacular sunset run on the beachfront overlooking Table Bay. Kite surfers and paddle boarders were out, lots of other folks running, walking, skateboarding, etc, along the promenade; the usual smell of weed wafting around and the pubs and bars on the beachfront, many of which I've frequented often, were bustling with pisscats, many of whom would be driving home wasted later on, as I've done many times too. (Honesty here, right!)

I only did a slow, lazy 7.5km run tonight, it was cold and I felt lazy, I think I left my mojo in my last bottle of whiskey. This concentrating on being sober and fighting the cravings is exhausting work. Which brings us to my next familiar trigger - post run drinks with the running club, which my club shares with the local lifesavers club house, the bar is always open to us on club days and the booze is cheap. It's been a long time since I did NOT have a drink or 17 at the club after a run. Tonight I did not. I was offered a beer by two people, when I declined their jaws nearly hit the floor. The barman I think was the most surprised, and clearly not impressed. Tuff shit, I said goodbye shortly after my run and ducked out of there because the temptation was like a physical force that would have won had I given it the chance. Tonight I won the battle in this 100 day war!

Came home, it was a great surprise to find dinner already made, chicken lasagna, wolfed down a bowl with some ghost pepper sauce (I'm a chilli fanatic, long story for another day) that produced more sweat than my beach run earlier! Love it. And cravings for booze subdued and bedded for the night!

So a bit of news, there's a book about tackling alcoholism that was recommended to me by a lady, author of Lose Da Booze blog, on one of the Facebook groups I've been active on, the book is called This Naked Mind, by Annie Grace. I've been reading the e-book and so far it's fantastic. Today I found the Audiobook version so I can listen in the car or at work with headphones. What is refreshing is the book is not about the Alcoholics Anonymous method, which I don't like, from what I can tell it's more about changing the way we understand and think about alcohol; unlike the AA which teaches us that alcoholism is a disease that we're forever stuck with, we will always be alcoholics, in recovery. This book's method seems to work on a concept of changing our mindsets so we will not need or desire alcohol. It's kind of like the Allen Carr book to quit smoking by changing the way we perceive smoking. As a lifelong smoker, completely skeptical to any kind of hocus pocus bullshit, I read this book and quit smoking, just like that. For me it genuinely worked, I haven't smoked since or craved a cigarette after that initial 2 weeks of "starving" the addiction, I don't miss it and quite honestly repulsed by the smell of cigarettes these days. I was a pack a day smoker for 20 years until the day I finished reading the book. My last cigarette a deliberate and an emotional moment that I cried. After I stubbed out that smoke I knew it was finished and a massive burden was lifted from my life in a moment! IF Annie Grace's book works on a similar concept then I believe it will work for me, and I'm excited about the idea of not craving or wanting or needing an alcoholic drink, the way i have done every day for many years. Sure, it does still seem somewhat far-fetched. This is a much tougher addiction to kick than nicotine, but as a heavy smoker I kicked that habit easy enough, because I wanted to. Surely ditching the booze will not be much worse. But, like the book says in the Introduction chapter, the hardest part will be the "herd mentality", the social aspect, peer pressure. To be of a strong enough mindset to overcome that, to not feel the need or desire to drink out of social expectation and not be bothered by any negative reactions to my choices, will be a victory! Pivotal battle won, to conquer the social stigma of drinking alcohol!
Booya!

One of the aspects to the AA which I find quite intimidating, as alluded to above, is the old-school club mentality, once an alcoholic always an alcoholic, and us alcoholics will stick together and forever more admit to being alcoholics and celebrate sobriety "birthdays", etc. No offence intended to anybody in the AA for which the AA has worked for them. But I'm on DAY 2 of my sobriety, yet reading the comments on the AA facebook page and people are celebrating lifetimes, like 35 years, sober birthdays, like it was yesterday! I mean, 35 years is a bloody long time since you've had a drink, SURELY there comes a point where you can safely say you're over it and no longer need to be labeled an alcoholic? I'm sorry but if that's how the AA works, it's not for me! I intend, possibly naively, to break out of the addiction. I don't believe I will never drink again, because never is forever, from now until death, I'm not sure I want that. What I don't want is to be a drunk, to have a drink and go balls to the wall uncontrollably until I'm paralytic. I want to learn to control this, to be able to have a glass of Champagne at the Christmas table, have a beer or two with friends around a braai (BBQ) when the rugby's on without getting drunk, to not feel the need to binge drink, or drink at all on weeknights or any other time that a drink is not required. I don't want to be labeled as a recovering alcoholic for the rest of my life, unable to touch a drink in fear of ridicule, nor do I want to be regarded as the local drunk, pissed at every occasion. I just want to be normal, to be able to enjoy a drink like a normal person, and not be a drunk!

Is that even possible?

I guess time, and Annie Grace will tell!

Tomorrow my gorgeous daughter comes home from her holidays with grandpa, my dad. She's coming home to find her daddy is a new man. I will be spending a lot more quality time with that awesome kid from here on. She deserves to have a coherent, attentive, sober dad.

Tammy will not see me drunk again!

Have an awesome evening y'all.