So I just read my blog from last night, I considered deleting it because of the bad language rant because of how that side of my personality offends people, but I've decided to leave it as it was written, here on my publicly viewable blog, not to offend the soft-cocks who don't like my dark side, but because that dark side is who I am and this blog is a reflection of the mad goings-on in my mind. Enough times in the past I've written a blog like that, angry and obscene, often fueled by alcohol like last nights one, read it the next day and deleted it out of embarrassment, thinking of the goodie goodies who will take offence. Honest thoughts lost to the sensitivities of others. These stories are always honest, but I'm gatvol of having to always try to control my demons for the benefit of other people who seem to take personal offence at much of what I say. Meantime those peoples reaction and offence offends me deeply, not that that matters! Classic example, the time I called jacob zuma a poes face on Facebook and my sister in-law took offence and lambasted me publicaly followed quickly by my mom jumping in that same boat and disowning me and my family for 3 years as a result of the insulting fight that ensued. Apparently I should have rather just shut up and apologized politely with my tail between my legs in submission to the clique who's opinions matter more.
But anyway, best not scratch open those old wounds again, they have barely healed, despite the ever present scars.
Point is, as much as I do make a concerted effort to close up and keep my real thoughts and personality caged up these days, I do go through times like this where the beast just needs to get out and flap it's wings in clear air for a while, release the pressure, until I can reel it back in and shut it back up again.
I'm not trying to be dramatic, and despite being an alcoholic I don't know what my mental problems are (because the rest of judgmental society will see them as "problems", like bipolar, schizophrenia, ADHD, or just plain fucking mad), but this angry, resentful, aggressive side to my personality is just part of the complete package. I know I'm generally a nice guy, a good guy with good intentions and a lot of love to give, and I'm an awesome father according to my awesome child; I just think I'm misunderstood. Hell I don't even understand much of what goes on in my head, or where it comes from!
Possibly part of the problem is the bear with a sore toe syndrome, or in this case, man with a hole in the arm. I had a large cyst the size of a golf ball cut out of my arm two days ago, resulting in a big hole gouged deep into my upper arm closed up with 14 stitches. It has been very painful and still is, to the point it's actually becoming outright annoying! I'm taking painkillers which make me sleepy and mess with my mood and concentration. Fueling this rant.
Or it could also be the onset of manopause, or a hangover, or both.
Who knows, who cares!
I'm still frustrated at being unable to create simple labels last night for my chili sauces. I bought sheets of stickers and used the corresponding template in MS Word to design them and despite the design looking stupidly amateurish I could not get the label template to print on the actual labels, wasting my time and a stack of expensive sheets of labels with only a bad temper tantrum to show for my efforts. I don't know what to do about this, I can't afford expensive designers and professional printers.
What I don't understand is why do I sit here hating the fact that I binge drink, feeling shit from the hangover, thinking quite logically that I'm an idiot for getting drunk again and doing such horrific damage to my body and mind (maybe had I been sober I'd have gotten those labels right), and I swear I'm going to stop this stupidity. This happens every time! Yet last night on the way home I clearly remember looking forward to that drink, the thought of it excited me, I couldn't wait to get home to the pleasure and joy of diving into that foul-tasting soul-destroying crap! I don't understand what controls my brain into being completely manipulated by that desire to drink to get drunk, day after day, despite knowing that there are large numbers of wrong reasons to drink compared to not one single logical good reason to drink! I could list a hundred reasons not to drink right now, and I could logically discredit any possible positive reason for drinking without much thought. Yet this evening none of that will be relevant as the next mindwash to get home and get soaked in whiskey takes over all rational thought!
I don't understand why this happens or how to stop it!
Anyway, I've calmed down. Now the next thing to happen is I will read through this and realise I'm making an arse of myself again and will consider deleting this post to the trash bin. If you have read through this then you'll know I decided against that.
Maybe I need to see a shrink. These blog entries are testament to that. But now I'm thinking "why"? Because that's what 'society' would suggest? Because that's the easy solution - flog off problematic people to strangers with degrees in psychology and rate the problem as being solved. Like euthanasing problem animals, except with humans that would be murder, even more highly frowned upon than institutionalizing the non-"normal". Like Sylvester the lion. He only wants to be free, be himself, as nature intended. For that he will probably be "put down" because he's going against the boundaries imposed by stupid humans! He doesn't want to be controlled, like I don't want to be controlled, yet I have to accept that I need to be controlled by psychology in order to be accepted by "other" people...
Not sure where that was going...
Anyway, I have work to do. Those bills don't pay themselves! And since I can't even make simple fucking bottle labels it's unlikely I'll ever have the aptitude or patience to run any kind of entrepreneurial business like selling sauces. So I best accept that this menial low-paying day job is the way the rest of my life will pan out! The deep depression which revelations like that instills in my mind frightens me! It's a lonely place in there.
Have a nice day!
Edit: Just as an afterthought... on the admin dashboard on my Blogger profile I can see how many people have read each blog, it counts the number of times a page is viewed on a unique computer or device by noting the IP address, and unless I share a post on my Facebook page then absolutely nobody reads them. So I don't know why I'm concerned about who reads these articles about my madness, because nobody even reads them. Except for the very first post nobody has ever commented in the comments section below each blog post (prove me wrong by leaving a comment below this one please!) I'm not sharing this post on Facebook, so I don't expect to see any comments.
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaa...
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