Hello fans, friends and freaks!
For the handful of you who followed my blog in the past you'll notice that all that morbid shit is gone. It's history, and so shall remain in history, forgotten history! I've decided to reboot this blog and rap on here from a more chilled and positive perspective. Because you see, I've clocked 40 this year, time is running out, that big old clock of life continues to tick on relentlessly towards the ultimate demise of said life, the point of which I'm almost certainly passed the halfway mark towards reaching. So, bitching and moaning about life's problems and challenges is no longer really relevant and does not help solving problems, nor does anybody really give a shit other than amused pity.
Besides, I'm a happy guy! The primary focus of my existence these days is running. It has been on and off for the last 5 or so years but lately it really has gone to new levels of not just an interest and occasional passtime, but to a full time obsession that hogs my thoughts, dictates my calendar and influences the events of mine and my family's time, especially on weekends, race days. I sit on my lard-ass at work every day thinking about running, planning and booking races and talking to my running friends about all things running. My old running buddies tend to outright ignore my long-winded posts and opinions and rants on our whatsapp group, and I don't blame them, they don't feel the same as I do nor have the same goals or this obsession which holds my thoughts hostage day in and out! Except for one new friend I have recently met at the races, a breath of fresh air in my life and an inspiration to work harder, push further, train harder; with the same enthusiasm and obsession for running as I have. We chat often and account to each other for training or lack thereof. It's exactly what I need for encouragement and accountability, and also just as a sounding board to chat about ideas and opinions. There is nobody else in my world who shares the same passion for running that I can talk to with the same level of interest. This friend does, albeit she's in Joburg, she's fast become a solid motivational feature in my running lifestyle for which I'm very grateful. We're both working towards the same goals, we will cross that Comrades finish line together in June next year, and we will do it strong and as prepared as we can be! And around this time next start the whole process all over again, forgetting the immense pain we put ourselves though over those 87.5 very long kilometers!
In fact it was a comment from that same friend recently which inspired the rebirth of this waffle!
And yes you heard right - COMRADES!!! I have entered the Comrades marathon next year! Who'd have thought... those of you who've known me for a while will remember the fat lazy slob I was not that long ago always eating junk, smoking like a tractor and either pissed or hungover most days of the week! Now I have entered, AND recently qualified to run the iconic Comrades marathon 87.5km of uphill, with the Two Oceans Ultra (56km) and Om die Dam Ultra (50km) among the "training" runs next year! I've already got two full marathons up my arse recently, and 10km races are rare these days in favour of half marathons or longer. When this all started 10km races were a big deal, I felt like a legend finishing them. Marathons and Ultra's were for insanely fit elite runners with mental issues. Now I'm one of those freaks!
Talking of which, this month is 2 years since I quit smoking!
This running "thing" has taken my life by the nuts and is gradually pacing one step at a time to bigger and greater goals and achievements! As much as it's hard work in often unpleasant weather, and early starts on weekends when the rest of the world still sleeps blissfully, I am loving this craze and intend on riding this high for as long as my legs are still functional!
So maybe that is the direction this blog will take. It makes sense, as the one thing that dominates my life over anything else these days (except my beautiful daughter of course), it should be the main topic of these one-sided discussions! I say one-sided because the comment section at the bottom of each blog entry remains eternally barren! (hint hint, if you're reading this far!)
The next race on my calendar, the Vlakte marathon this coming Saturday, involves a trip to the southern Cape. My third marathon, it runs from Heidelburg down to Witsand, finishes on the beach so yes damn straight I'll be running past the finish line into the ocean! My dad lives in Witsand so I'll take the Tamster with to visit grandpa.
Anyway my lunch break is now just about concluded, so it's goodbye for now!
Monday, 21 November 2016
Wednesday, 24 August 2016
Hello world...
So I'm thinking it's about time to go through another one of those blogging phases again. More light hearted and fun, rather than all morbid and woe is me for being an alkie, etc. Some of the old shit I used to write is actually somewhat embarrassing to read in hindsight.
But, I'll think about it and think up some cool stuff to yabber on about that would be more interesting and informative than pitiful. So those of you who like to follow the problems of others with glee - this will no longer be your fix.
Yes I'm an alcoholic, I know that. Blogging about it won't fix it, I know that. So no more bitching about it. I'll either get over it someday or it will kill me first. preferably the former. We'll see what happens...
The big thing in my life these days is my running, training for a marathon next month and then Two Oceans Ultra and Comrades next year. So that will take up much of my discussions!
Otherwise, work is manic at the moment, no time to chat more today...
But, I'll think about it and think up some cool stuff to yabber on about that would be more interesting and informative than pitiful. So those of you who like to follow the problems of others with glee - this will no longer be your fix.
Yes I'm an alcoholic, I know that. Blogging about it won't fix it, I know that. So no more bitching about it. I'll either get over it someday or it will kill me first. preferably the former. We'll see what happens...
The big thing in my life these days is my running, training for a marathon next month and then Two Oceans Ultra and Comrades next year. So that will take up much of my discussions!
Otherwise, work is manic at the moment, no time to chat more today...
Wednesday, 13 April 2016
Day zero
And so we start again from scratch. I got drunk again last night and it was bliss. I loved and hated being in that dark pit once again. But the count for the days sober begins again from zero.
The reason (and it's a reason, not an excuse) is the wife! She pushed and poked that I could not handle the condescending insulting manner in which she speaks to me and her continuous high pitched shrieking and shouting across the house. After a long kak day to come home to some peace and try to get some work done on my business to get that, just knocked me over the edge of sanity. (Wife was off, on leave, but I had to come home and wash the dishes from the night before too! I mean, WTF???) My poor Tammy came to me in tears twice for the same reason that I took to the bottle - being yelled at and belittled. I felt so sorry for her but against that tyranny I am unfortunately powerless, confronting it only aggravates it to a louder higher pitched shrieking and a deeper level of of abuse and insult and further reminder of what she pays for and I don't.
I am ashamed that my resolve weakened to the point that I deliberately drove to the bottle store, purchased a bottle of whiskey and went home and consumed more than half of the bottle. Even worse, when I got home I actually chose not to drink and just left the bottle in the kitchen since the drive out of the house did calm my nerves, but after half an hour of listening to wife yelling at Tammy it drove me mental even over the sound of my heavy metal music in my office behind a closed door! Walking to that bottle and pouring a drink was almost automatic, like a surreal parasite taking control of my movement and mind.
This is my biggest challenge with the drinking, and the reasons I drink! All the other triggers and cravings I've been managing to handle and stave off the urge to drink, but the way the wife speaks to me and treats me in a way that makes me feel useless and worthless and insignificant and nothing more than a pointless irritation worthy of the worst of her insults and humiliations, the way that makes me feel all too often drives me to care little enough to want to drink to get drunk to escape. She hurts me in ways I cannot describe, and she does not know because she does not care. All she cares for is how she feels and what the point of her thoughts are and how whatever is happening affects her.
I will not be the instigator in breaking up my family no matter how hard she pushes or how deep she drives that stake into my heart. But apart from drinking I do not know how to deal with this incessant emotional bullying. I cannot fight back because of course physically is not an option and words only make it worse and earn more insults and hurtful comments. Nothing I have to say means anything nor is even heard, no matter if my opinion is expressed in a calm rational discussion or a raging frustration-fueled temper explosion. There's only one side that counts for anything and it's never mine. She even sometimes has the audacity to ask why I don't tell her how I feel, yet when I do she is so disinterested she does not hear a word. At times, especially in the car, travelling to work or back I'll talk to her then realise she's texting on her phone or sleeping and has not heard anything I've said.
Yet somehow I am always to blame. It's always turned around that it's about what I'm doing wrong or how she has been wronged or how it affects her. She has no more compassion for me as her husband, and I believe there is no love left either. She cares nothing for me unless it affects her, and if it affects her negatively then I get the wrath of hell bourne down on my head.
I do not know what to do about this, or how to escape the degrading humiliation of constantly being made to feel so worthless. To the point that I sit here writing shit like this pitying myself, hating myself and the miserable life I have landed up being forced to live, sharing it with a self-obsessed person determined, whether deliberately or not, to imprison me in the belief that I am nothing and will never be anything other than a pathetic useless piece of shit with few uses worthy of keeping around!
This is how I feel. I can't tell you the things that went through my mind over the course of that horrible horrible hour long hellish drive to work this morning in that claustrophobic little car with not a single word spoken between us. Every second was a painful hell as a million dark, sad things went through my head.!
Once I have calmed down and my blood has stopped boiling I will probably read this and feel a bucket load of guilt and shame for feeling and thinking this way and I will probably delete this blog post so I do not get into trouble and earn myself another long lecture and threats of divorce and having my beloved daughter taken away from me as punishment for being upset and saying the wrong things, and rightly so, I do not want to lose my Tammy. If it were not for her being in my life one of two things would have happened a long time ago: 1) wife and I would have parted ways, or 2) I would have taken my own life. No, I carry on and suck it up with something of a smile for Tammy, I live for that child, everything I do is for her and I will stick around and fight for her and take the abuse and emotional bullying so that she is not taken from me through selfish spite.
-------------------------------
Skip an hour
-------------------------------
The reason (and it's a reason, not an excuse) is the wife! She pushed and poked that I could not handle the condescending insulting manner in which she speaks to me and her continuous high pitched shrieking and shouting across the house. After a long kak day to come home to some peace and try to get some work done on my business to get that, just knocked me over the edge of sanity. (Wife was off, on leave, but I had to come home and wash the dishes from the night before too! I mean, WTF???) My poor Tammy came to me in tears twice for the same reason that I took to the bottle - being yelled at and belittled. I felt so sorry for her but against that tyranny I am unfortunately powerless, confronting it only aggravates it to a louder higher pitched shrieking and a deeper level of of abuse and insult and further reminder of what she pays for and I don't.
I am ashamed that my resolve weakened to the point that I deliberately drove to the bottle store, purchased a bottle of whiskey and went home and consumed more than half of the bottle. Even worse, when I got home I actually chose not to drink and just left the bottle in the kitchen since the drive out of the house did calm my nerves, but after half an hour of listening to wife yelling at Tammy it drove me mental even over the sound of my heavy metal music in my office behind a closed door! Walking to that bottle and pouring a drink was almost automatic, like a surreal parasite taking control of my movement and mind.
This is my biggest challenge with the drinking, and the reasons I drink! All the other triggers and cravings I've been managing to handle and stave off the urge to drink, but the way the wife speaks to me and treats me in a way that makes me feel useless and worthless and insignificant and nothing more than a pointless irritation worthy of the worst of her insults and humiliations, the way that makes me feel all too often drives me to care little enough to want to drink to get drunk to escape. She hurts me in ways I cannot describe, and she does not know because she does not care. All she cares for is how she feels and what the point of her thoughts are and how whatever is happening affects her.
I will not be the instigator in breaking up my family no matter how hard she pushes or how deep she drives that stake into my heart. But apart from drinking I do not know how to deal with this incessant emotional bullying. I cannot fight back because of course physically is not an option and words only make it worse and earn more insults and hurtful comments. Nothing I have to say means anything nor is even heard, no matter if my opinion is expressed in a calm rational discussion or a raging frustration-fueled temper explosion. There's only one side that counts for anything and it's never mine. She even sometimes has the audacity to ask why I don't tell her how I feel, yet when I do she is so disinterested she does not hear a word. At times, especially in the car, travelling to work or back I'll talk to her then realise she's texting on her phone or sleeping and has not heard anything I've said.
Yet somehow I am always to blame. It's always turned around that it's about what I'm doing wrong or how she has been wronged or how it affects her. She has no more compassion for me as her husband, and I believe there is no love left either. She cares nothing for me unless it affects her, and if it affects her negatively then I get the wrath of hell bourne down on my head.
I do not know what to do about this, or how to escape the degrading humiliation of constantly being made to feel so worthless. To the point that I sit here writing shit like this pitying myself, hating myself and the miserable life I have landed up being forced to live, sharing it with a self-obsessed person determined, whether deliberately or not, to imprison me in the belief that I am nothing and will never be anything other than a pathetic useless piece of shit with few uses worthy of keeping around!
This is how I feel. I can't tell you the things that went through my mind over the course of that horrible horrible hour long hellish drive to work this morning in that claustrophobic little car with not a single word spoken between us. Every second was a painful hell as a million dark, sad things went through my head.!
Once I have calmed down and my blood has stopped boiling I will probably read this and feel a bucket load of guilt and shame for feeling and thinking this way and I will probably delete this blog post so I do not get into trouble and earn myself another long lecture and threats of divorce and having my beloved daughter taken away from me as punishment for being upset and saying the wrong things, and rightly so, I do not want to lose my Tammy. If it were not for her being in my life one of two things would have happened a long time ago: 1) wife and I would have parted ways, or 2) I would have taken my own life. No, I carry on and suck it up with something of a smile for Tammy, I live for that child, everything I do is for her and I will stick around and fight for her and take the abuse and emotional bullying so that she is not taken from me through selfish spite.
-------------------------------
Skip an hour
-------------------------------
Ok I'm over that rant now, though still absolutely resentful that I am sitting here with a hangover again after working so hard, holding out 10 long days without getting pissed. It's the longest in my adult life, at least for many years that I can remember, that I've boon sober. Sounds disgusting, I know, but that gives me hope that next time I can make it even longer, depending on how strong I can hold myself against the demons within that break my spirit to the point of soaking my soul in more of Satan's nectar.
I find myself once again considering the option of seeing a psychologist, or therapist, or the like. If only there were such an option that I could afford! Not the marriage counselor that wife keeps threatening, but somebody who might be able to help me get out of this darkness.
On the up side, my bottle labels have arrived in Cape Town, I will go and fetch them later. Can't wait. Andre who supplied them called me earlier, such an awesome guy! 200 of each label, for free!
Woo hoo I can start selling sauces soon!
Only setback now is getting the website up and running. Last night my other enormous frustration was being unable to progress on my website because my internet at home was impossibly slow at the best of times, it was completely non-existent most of the time. as my website is a Wordpress eCommerce site hosted on a remote web server the entire development happens over the internet, so when my internet at home is not functional I cannot do any work. I know it's because the fucked up useless ISP's in this backwards country throttle the bandwidth during peak hours through their "fair usage" policies but they throttle so badly that it simply does not work! The incompetence of these companies is costing us small business guys, but I know that fibre networks are coming to my area, when that happens I will ditch my current ISP and the Telkom line provider and never touch those fuckers again! Later in the evening when people in the area obviously went off their internets and my bandwidth improved I was too drunk to understand the complicated code of today's web development to do anything useful so the whole evening was a complete productive void. That infuriated my urge to drink even more, though I would not have drank in the first place if not for the wife!
I need to do my job, this blogging at work will get me into shit if it takes up too much time. I need to, it helps my sanity, but I also need to balance it with the need to earn my meager paycheck at the end of the month!
Tuesday, 12 April 2016
Day 10
Well at least these numbered days for blog headings takes away the need to think up some quirky (more like cheesy) heading for each blog post! I can easily waffle off pages and pages of a lot to do about very little but thinking of the name gets me stumped. Like naming a sauce or a business idea or a new dog or whatever. I'll tell you all about it bit don't ask me what it's called!
Day 10 and still I've not had a drink. Not much else to say on the matter today.
I will tell you about my lunch though - rather messy toasted sandwiches on brown bread with tuna, cream cheese, mayo, salt and some of the habanero sauce I made in December, which is nice and mature and rather strong. It's a delicious sandwich!
So both of my sauces now have labels designed and are being printed and shipped to the company's offices in Cape Town in the next day or two. By the weekend I'll have a stack of sauces bottled and ready to sell. Can't wait to have an actual tangible stock of products ready for purchase by actual paying customers. And this will be the start of many! Thanks to that break I mentioned in yesterday's post!
The website is also coming along, albeit slowly, it's taking shape and shouldn't take too long to go live. I'm building it on Wordpress using the Woothemes eCommerce infrastructure. The cooler themes and extensions are expensive so I'm limited to the free version of the software which is quite limited so it's a lot of time and work to get it doing what I need. I don't get much opportunity to work on it, and sometimes the odd moment I do get in peace on my computer at home gets hijacked by a family member the moment I get up off my chair. Last night it happened again and I was furious, not just because my limited time was stolen, but because I was treated as if the work that I need to do in my time on my equipment is unimportant and inconsequential compared to whatever anybody else needs to do! I'm trying to build a business, with very little knowledge or support and zero capital to outsource things like finances, marketing, building websites etc, so each development day lost is one day further away that an income can be generated. But who cares what I think! Those are the blood-boiling moments that I would usually go and drink, especially when being viciously insulted for getting upset, and I feel my resolve is deliberately being tested to see how far my limits stretch before breaking! But I will not! I will not allow more time to be wasted being drunk and unproductive even if my precious productive time is taken by other means!
On another note, this morning I came up with another business idea, off-shooting from my sauces, it's relatively simple in concept and once my business is going will generate additional revenue through relatively little effort. BUT, I think this is relatively unique in this industry and quite a risky idea to be stolen and jeopardized, so until such time as it's been set up and tested I will absolutely not give any clues as to what this idea is! It could flop into oblivion or it could make me stupidly wealthy... time will tell, but my limited marketing skills will be tested!
Regarding my day job, I'm not enjoying it these days. I'm just bored and unstimulated and therefore thanks to my ADD constantly distracted with delusions of grand adventures and crazy ideas of ways to make money by other means that don't involve a clockwatched job working for a herd of obnoxious demeaning bosses for a heavily taxed meager salary that just gets less and less in relation to inflation and having to risk my life 10 times a week in traffic from hell to get to my dreary old office in this most hideous of industrial environments to perform the repetitive monotonous tasks of the job that hacks away constantly at the dwindling time that's been allocated to my existence in this bodily form on this earth. That and I don't want to live in the city anymore!
I'm so desperately hungry for change and some excitement and new challenges with decent potential rewards, both financial and mental well-being. I don't want to be stuck in this rut anymore, having to make that depressing infuriating journey through many of the planets worst fucktards to this boring job in this ugly place, while constantly being in a gradually deepening financial pit that makes any form of progress impossible! I've had enough being so poor that just being poor makes me even more poor, I've had enough of struggling to get from one payday to the next and going through the same monthly depression that gets deeper and deeper as the month progresses.
At the moment I've even lost my mojo for running, which scares me because I love the running and I love being addicted to running but right now that craving to run is just dulled.
The time is coming for big changes, and that time needs to be soon before this dreadful hole of expanding blackness consumes my soul beyond the point of return! Life as it is now, my life, cannot continue on the bumpy lonely thorn-bush lined downhill path it's going now.
In the next few days I need to think about a timeline of targets, including at which point my alternative incomes generate enough funds consistently to leave this soul-sucking day job to work for myself full time without risking losing my home!
There's more to life, more to me, than what I am now. This can't be how it ends for me!
Fuck that! Time to start climbing upwards...
But for now, my half-hour lunch break is over, back to the coalface...
Day 10 and still I've not had a drink. Not much else to say on the matter today.
I will tell you about my lunch though - rather messy toasted sandwiches on brown bread with tuna, cream cheese, mayo, salt and some of the habanero sauce I made in December, which is nice and mature and rather strong. It's a delicious sandwich!
So both of my sauces now have labels designed and are being printed and shipped to the company's offices in Cape Town in the next day or two. By the weekend I'll have a stack of sauces bottled and ready to sell. Can't wait to have an actual tangible stock of products ready for purchase by actual paying customers. And this will be the start of many! Thanks to that break I mentioned in yesterday's post!
The website is also coming along, albeit slowly, it's taking shape and shouldn't take too long to go live. I'm building it on Wordpress using the Woothemes eCommerce infrastructure. The cooler themes and extensions are expensive so I'm limited to the free version of the software which is quite limited so it's a lot of time and work to get it doing what I need. I don't get much opportunity to work on it, and sometimes the odd moment I do get in peace on my computer at home gets hijacked by a family member the moment I get up off my chair. Last night it happened again and I was furious, not just because my limited time was stolen, but because I was treated as if the work that I need to do in my time on my equipment is unimportant and inconsequential compared to whatever anybody else needs to do! I'm trying to build a business, with very little knowledge or support and zero capital to outsource things like finances, marketing, building websites etc, so each development day lost is one day further away that an income can be generated. But who cares what I think! Those are the blood-boiling moments that I would usually go and drink, especially when being viciously insulted for getting upset, and I feel my resolve is deliberately being tested to see how far my limits stretch before breaking! But I will not! I will not allow more time to be wasted being drunk and unproductive even if my precious productive time is taken by other means!
On another note, this morning I came up with another business idea, off-shooting from my sauces, it's relatively simple in concept and once my business is going will generate additional revenue through relatively little effort. BUT, I think this is relatively unique in this industry and quite a risky idea to be stolen and jeopardized, so until such time as it's been set up and tested I will absolutely not give any clues as to what this idea is! It could flop into oblivion or it could make me stupidly wealthy... time will tell, but my limited marketing skills will be tested!
Regarding my day job, I'm not enjoying it these days. I'm just bored and unstimulated and therefore thanks to my ADD constantly distracted with delusions of grand adventures and crazy ideas of ways to make money by other means that don't involve a clockwatched job working for a herd of obnoxious demeaning bosses for a heavily taxed meager salary that just gets less and less in relation to inflation and having to risk my life 10 times a week in traffic from hell to get to my dreary old office in this most hideous of industrial environments to perform the repetitive monotonous tasks of the job that hacks away constantly at the dwindling time that's been allocated to my existence in this bodily form on this earth. That and I don't want to live in the city anymore!
I'm so desperately hungry for change and some excitement and new challenges with decent potential rewards, both financial and mental well-being. I don't want to be stuck in this rut anymore, having to make that depressing infuriating journey through many of the planets worst fucktards to this boring job in this ugly place, while constantly being in a gradually deepening financial pit that makes any form of progress impossible! I've had enough being so poor that just being poor makes me even more poor, I've had enough of struggling to get from one payday to the next and going through the same monthly depression that gets deeper and deeper as the month progresses.
At the moment I've even lost my mojo for running, which scares me because I love the running and I love being addicted to running but right now that craving to run is just dulled.
The time is coming for big changes, and that time needs to be soon before this dreadful hole of expanding blackness consumes my soul beyond the point of return! Life as it is now, my life, cannot continue on the bumpy lonely thorn-bush lined downhill path it's going now.
In the next few days I need to think about a timeline of targets, including at which point my alternative incomes generate enough funds consistently to leave this soul-sucking day job to work for myself full time without risking losing my home!
There's more to life, more to me, than what I am now. This can't be how it ends for me!
Fuck that! Time to start climbing upwards...
But for now, my half-hour lunch break is over, back to the coalface...
Monday, 11 April 2016
Day 9
Ok I'm bullshitting just a little here, I had 2 beers with my dinner on Saturday evening but I'm not counting that as failure and restarting the daily count because it was well earned beer after a long tough hot day starting with an 8km run and a lot more walking all over Hermanus on a stinking hot day. It wasn't a pissup and I had no desire for any more so the count continues, this being day 9 since I last got drunk.
The dreaded weekend was actually very nice. Yes stressful because I was unable to contribute too much to the cost of it all, which I'm sure was quite a lot that The Wife covered, which didn't go unappreciated! There was no awkwardness and we had a great weekend away as a family in a town we would quite happily move to live in. Being there made us realise how unpleasant and stressful life is living in the city and dealing with the traffic and commute, crappy thankless jobs, crime and overcrowding, etc, let alone the expense. And people in the city are just generally shit. Hermanus is still a bustling town but it's a world away from life in the city! Much less stressful, and it's quieter, cleaner, people are friendlier, much less crime, it's safer to be outside of our residential fortresses (Tammy was riding her bicycle out in the actual street!) We were highly envious of the people living out there, they generally seemed happy. So we are going to look at ways to someday move out to a place like Hermanus and still earn a sustainable living. Certainly more of a practical option than moving to Australia!
All that being said we had a fantastic weekend. We stayed in the Mountain View Manor guest house. Our hosts Charlise and Geoff were fantastic, they made us feel totally at home and they made the best breakfasts I've tasted in years! The room was big and comfortable, and the location was great, it was centrally enough located to access wherever we wanted to go yet still in a quiet neighbourhood so as to be away from the hustle and bustle. It was close to the Sandbaai coastline, I went for two nice long runs along the coast. And we went into town to the country market which was lovely, only proper authentic crafts and organic foods, etc. No imported kuk. We walked around town and went for a drink (I had a grapetiser) down at Bientangs Cave in the old harbour, dinner at a little Portuguese restaurant near the beach close to the guest house, where I had my 2 beers. Sunday on the way home we took the day to stop at a few wine estates where The Wife did plenty of wine tasting. I had plenty of coffee, and ended up not being able to sleep last night until about midnight.
The weekend was a much needed stress release for all 3 of us. Tammy had an absolute ball all the way! This week I HAVE to up the effort with my running and get back into the gym again, starting tonight!
I've hit a nice break with my sauces - a friend from another life (we grew up in the same town, last saw each other about 30 years ago) has a printing business, he has printed off hundreds of labels for my first two sauces at no cost. It really is a big help because as soon as they arrive in Cape Town I can launch and start selling my stuff and generating an income. It's all I need to get going is labels! It really is a God-send which I'm most grateful for!
Have a nice day folks! (creek creek...)
The dreaded weekend was actually very nice. Yes stressful because I was unable to contribute too much to the cost of it all, which I'm sure was quite a lot that The Wife covered, which didn't go unappreciated! There was no awkwardness and we had a great weekend away as a family in a town we would quite happily move to live in. Being there made us realise how unpleasant and stressful life is living in the city and dealing with the traffic and commute, crappy thankless jobs, crime and overcrowding, etc, let alone the expense. And people in the city are just generally shit. Hermanus is still a bustling town but it's a world away from life in the city! Much less stressful, and it's quieter, cleaner, people are friendlier, much less crime, it's safer to be outside of our residential fortresses (Tammy was riding her bicycle out in the actual street!) We were highly envious of the people living out there, they generally seemed happy. So we are going to look at ways to someday move out to a place like Hermanus and still earn a sustainable living. Certainly more of a practical option than moving to Australia!
All that being said we had a fantastic weekend. We stayed in the Mountain View Manor guest house. Our hosts Charlise and Geoff were fantastic, they made us feel totally at home and they made the best breakfasts I've tasted in years! The room was big and comfortable, and the location was great, it was centrally enough located to access wherever we wanted to go yet still in a quiet neighbourhood so as to be away from the hustle and bustle. It was close to the Sandbaai coastline, I went for two nice long runs along the coast. And we went into town to the country market which was lovely, only proper authentic crafts and organic foods, etc. No imported kuk. We walked around town and went for a drink (I had a grapetiser) down at Bientangs Cave in the old harbour, dinner at a little Portuguese restaurant near the beach close to the guest house, where I had my 2 beers. Sunday on the way home we took the day to stop at a few wine estates where The Wife did plenty of wine tasting. I had plenty of coffee, and ended up not being able to sleep last night until about midnight.
The weekend was a much needed stress release for all 3 of us. Tammy had an absolute ball all the way! This week I HAVE to up the effort with my running and get back into the gym again, starting tonight!
I've hit a nice break with my sauces - a friend from another life (we grew up in the same town, last saw each other about 30 years ago) has a printing business, he has printed off hundreds of labels for my first two sauces at no cost. It really is a big help because as soon as they arrive in Cape Town I can launch and start selling my stuff and generating an income. It's all I need to get going is labels! It really is a God-send which I'm most grateful for!
Have a nice day folks! (creek creek...)
Thursday, 7 April 2016
Unreasonably Insane Craving
Yeah I know, 4th blog in a day, must be my record. It's 6.30pm and I'm at home and losing my fucking mind and as much as I know it's unreasonable it's unstoppable. Certain compounding triggers have angered me to boiling point and all I want to do is reach for the bottle and down a big hearty gulp of whiskey, I know that will calm my bad mood in an instant. That craving is mighty convincing and it's taking a lot of effort not to do it! But I've made almost a week now, I'm not going to break! Not yet!
I didn't feel like going for a run after all that build up earlier, we got back a bit late and I'm in a foul sad mood. I had my mind set on parking in front of the computer in peace and working on my stuff but it's been occupied again. Then I couldn't find the key to the side door at my desk, it was eventually found in a fucking box! WHY WHY WHY was it there! Why can people just not put things where they belong!!! This place is an absolute flipping dump, the mess just grows and grows and it's making me mad! Things being put in a different place all the time infuriates me, as a creature of habit. I won't bother to express in the necessary expletives what it does to my blood temperature when my personal stuff gets moved and messed with (like my bathroom scissors!)
I really really need a strong drink right now!
But I must admit this blog is probably like the AA sponsor whom an alcoholic would call as the crutch to bitch and rant on like I'm doing here to relieve the craving for a drink. I'm not sure I'd feel comfortable whining and pitying myself speaking to some other person albeit having been through the same thing, well to anybody really. My "woe is me" moan as Wife has often referred. Maybe I should talk to a shrink, somebody who has to listen and be understanding and not have to be friends with afterwards, though I'm not sure that idea instills a lot of comfort either. No I like the blog, it doesn't talk back, argue or offer clinical advice. It just listens!
Wife found me lying on my bed in my room a while ago looking at my phone (starting a new blog post actually), I was hiding away from the noises and bickering and and my own frustrations and from the sheer boredom I go through when I'm home in the evening unable to access my stuff and not passing the time by getting shitfaced. The constant fighting between the three females in this house does my head in, another madness soothed by the sweet nectar of intoxication. She asked what's wrong and chirped some snotty comment again. She has no clue what's going on here. She has no interest so she has no idea what I'm doing or going through right now, though in fairness nor does anybody else. I have not mentioned any of this to anybody. It's better this way, I don't want sympathy or pity. This is my battle, I need to face it and fight it alone. Other people are not interested in the whimperings and pains of an alcoholic, even one trying to break free. Probably because they've heard it all before and have all long since lost interest, condemning us to a certain early death by the bottle, by our own irresponsible stupidity. To be honest, I am always aware that this addiction could kill me and I know the ways it can do so, particularly through liver damage, and despite my constant battles to lose weight and ferocious cardio exercising especially running I also know that a large part of my bulging "belly" is due to a swollen liver. Yet despite knowing all this the alcohol makes us alcoholics feel invincible. "If it hasn't got me by now then I'm probably ok". Yet being clear headed this deadly reality is a great fear which cause quiet despondency, but only until the next craving for the spirit takes over all logical reason and the manipulative spirits fog my mind back into the darkness of ignorance once more.
I'm getting tired of this now, tired of this battle with the booze, tired of my life revolving around the next drinking session and the resulting hangover, tired of missing out and messing up because of drinking. This is coming to the point where I know if I don't change my life drastically and drop this evil affliction in place of a healthier lifestyle very soon it's unlikely I'm going to get another chance. It is literally a case of do or die. And I'm not ready to die!
Anyway, I'm now having dinner. Home made fish cakes and spaghetti, and veggies which I asked for, I was craving some vegetables. I do feel better now.
One thing with me and drinking - food is always a deterrent to drink. When I'm drinking I seldom eat because food fills the stomach and takes away the desire to drink. That's why when we have a party I seldom eat until I'm too plastered to drink anymore, if at all. So the same tactic seems to work to quell the cravings now while trying not to drink too. This is a bad thing, for the same reasons smokers put on weight when quitting the fag; eating becomes a replacement for the bad habit. I've quit smoking twice (8 months smoke free now!) and never put on weight as a result because I've always picked up the running pace and consciously eaten healthy. Beating this beast, I fear, might not be so simple!
Giving up smoking was tough both times, but that was a piece of piss compared to this!
If I can keep this up and hold out, I know I'm in for one hell of a ride if my temper and mood swings today were any indication of how this goes! I feel bad for my family, though I do hope they could on some level be understanding. I don't expect help, I gave up on that hope ages ago, but some mild understanding would go a long way.
That said, if it weren't for you, dear diary, it would not be possible!
Goodnight!
I didn't feel like going for a run after all that build up earlier, we got back a bit late and I'm in a foul sad mood. I had my mind set on parking in front of the computer in peace and working on my stuff but it's been occupied again. Then I couldn't find the key to the side door at my desk, it was eventually found in a fucking box! WHY WHY WHY was it there! Why can people just not put things where they belong!!! This place is an absolute flipping dump, the mess just grows and grows and it's making me mad! Things being put in a different place all the time infuriates me, as a creature of habit. I won't bother to express in the necessary expletives what it does to my blood temperature when my personal stuff gets moved and messed with (like my bathroom scissors!)
I really really need a strong drink right now!
But I must admit this blog is probably like the AA sponsor whom an alcoholic would call as the crutch to bitch and rant on like I'm doing here to relieve the craving for a drink. I'm not sure I'd feel comfortable whining and pitying myself speaking to some other person albeit having been through the same thing, well to anybody really. My "woe is me" moan as Wife has often referred. Maybe I should talk to a shrink, somebody who has to listen and be understanding and not have to be friends with afterwards, though I'm not sure that idea instills a lot of comfort either. No I like the blog, it doesn't talk back, argue or offer clinical advice. It just listens!
Wife found me lying on my bed in my room a while ago looking at my phone (starting a new blog post actually), I was hiding away from the noises and bickering and and my own frustrations and from the sheer boredom I go through when I'm home in the evening unable to access my stuff and not passing the time by getting shitfaced. The constant fighting between the three females in this house does my head in, another madness soothed by the sweet nectar of intoxication. She asked what's wrong and chirped some snotty comment again. She has no clue what's going on here. She has no interest so she has no idea what I'm doing or going through right now, though in fairness nor does anybody else. I have not mentioned any of this to anybody. It's better this way, I don't want sympathy or pity. This is my battle, I need to face it and fight it alone. Other people are not interested in the whimperings and pains of an alcoholic, even one trying to break free. Probably because they've heard it all before and have all long since lost interest, condemning us to a certain early death by the bottle, by our own irresponsible stupidity. To be honest, I am always aware that this addiction could kill me and I know the ways it can do so, particularly through liver damage, and despite my constant battles to lose weight and ferocious cardio exercising especially running I also know that a large part of my bulging "belly" is due to a swollen liver. Yet despite knowing all this the alcohol makes us alcoholics feel invincible. "If it hasn't got me by now then I'm probably ok". Yet being clear headed this deadly reality is a great fear which cause quiet despondency, but only until the next craving for the spirit takes over all logical reason and the manipulative spirits fog my mind back into the darkness of ignorance once more.
I'm getting tired of this now, tired of this battle with the booze, tired of my life revolving around the next drinking session and the resulting hangover, tired of missing out and messing up because of drinking. This is coming to the point where I know if I don't change my life drastically and drop this evil affliction in place of a healthier lifestyle very soon it's unlikely I'm going to get another chance. It is literally a case of do or die. And I'm not ready to die!
---------------------------------------------------
One thing with me and drinking - food is always a deterrent to drink. When I'm drinking I seldom eat because food fills the stomach and takes away the desire to drink. That's why when we have a party I seldom eat until I'm too plastered to drink anymore, if at all. So the same tactic seems to work to quell the cravings now while trying not to drink too. This is a bad thing, for the same reasons smokers put on weight when quitting the fag; eating becomes a replacement for the bad habit. I've quit smoking twice (8 months smoke free now!) and never put on weight as a result because I've always picked up the running pace and consciously eaten healthy. Beating this beast, I fear, might not be so simple!
Giving up smoking was tough both times, but that was a piece of piss compared to this!
If I can keep this up and hold out, I know I'm in for one hell of a ride if my temper and mood swings today were any indication of how this goes! I feel bad for my family, though I do hope they could on some level be understanding. I don't expect help, I gave up on that hope ages ago, but some mild understanding would go a long way.
That said, if it weren't for you, dear diary, it would not be possible!
Goodnight!
Over it.
Ok I'm over that downer I had in my last blog. Not sure why I'm getting mood swings like that. Maybe I'm bipolar, or it could be alcohol withdrawals. Or it could be manopause. It wasn't fake, rather just a bit over-dramatic in expression.
What I do need to is get the running shoes out and start running again. I've not run since Two Oceans, been taking a break while this stitched up wound on my arm heals. Tonight I'll go for a run when I get home and take Tammy with, she can ride her bicycle alongside me. She needs the exercise too. She is also getting a bit on the chubby side from all the crap she eats. I don't feed her said crap and I'm not there to give it to her (last night I came home and she was eating the processed chicken nuggets and a toasted cheese sandwich, no veggies of any kind). The sight of which (mountain of carbs) made me cringe but as I only get home at that stage and she's being fed by granny who is pretty much more parent to her than her own parents I don't really have a say when nobody takes my side. On Monday it was pizza for lunch and supper and again for lunch the next day. That really upsets me but if I mention it I get shat on. What I can do is help her get some exercise to burn off all the kuk she eats, then when we get back home I'll cook something healthy, if she hasn't already had a dinner of carbs.
See this is one of those frustrations of having a lack of resources and time to take control. If I'm not there to provide nor have the money to buy loads of healthy stuff then it becomes difficult to argue against the gang. I get into so much shit for speaking out that usually I rather just keep quiet and pour a drink.
So after the run and dinner I'm looking forward to spending some more time on my bottle label design, and doing some work on my website. And last night I downloaded the season finale for Walking Dead which I'm excited to see.
Oh, and I have to pack for this dreaded weekend away. While we're there I'll be motivating for some energetic and free outdoors activities like hiking in the mountains, walking on the beach, etc. to save a buck.
But first I have to deal with my absolute pet hate in life - sitting in the horrid traffic that makes up my hated travel home.
Oh the joys...
What I do need to is get the running shoes out and start running again. I've not run since Two Oceans, been taking a break while this stitched up wound on my arm heals. Tonight I'll go for a run when I get home and take Tammy with, she can ride her bicycle alongside me. She needs the exercise too. She is also getting a bit on the chubby side from all the crap she eats. I don't feed her said crap and I'm not there to give it to her (last night I came home and she was eating the processed chicken nuggets and a toasted cheese sandwich, no veggies of any kind). The sight of which (mountain of carbs) made me cringe but as I only get home at that stage and she's being fed by granny who is pretty much more parent to her than her own parents I don't really have a say when nobody takes my side. On Monday it was pizza for lunch and supper and again for lunch the next day. That really upsets me but if I mention it I get shat on. What I can do is help her get some exercise to burn off all the kuk she eats, then when we get back home I'll cook something healthy, if she hasn't already had a dinner of carbs.
See this is one of those frustrations of having a lack of resources and time to take control. If I'm not there to provide nor have the money to buy loads of healthy stuff then it becomes difficult to argue against the gang. I get into so much shit for speaking out that usually I rather just keep quiet and pour a drink.
So after the run and dinner I'm looking forward to spending some more time on my bottle label design, and doing some work on my website. And last night I downloaded the season finale for Walking Dead which I'm excited to see.
Oh, and I have to pack for this dreaded weekend away. While we're there I'll be motivating for some energetic and free outdoors activities like hiking in the mountains, walking on the beach, etc. to save a buck.
But first I have to deal with my absolute pet hate in life - sitting in the horrid traffic that makes up my hated travel home.
Oh the joys...
Downer
Just a quick bit of blog therapy as right now I'm down in the doldrums. Miserable! Mainly because of my usual cause for depression - money. The lack of it and the constant demand to keep on dishing it out causes immeasurable stress and anxiousness! There are purchases I need to make to get my sauces marketable, like labels and more bottles and ingredients to make more stock. Then there's this weekend away that I'm actually not looking forward to because of lack of money, which I know is going to cause problems and fights with the wife because money is often the cause of friction between us. I know she looks down on me because I'm poor. She makes more money than I do so she spends more than I do on necessities and bills and generally seems to have access to more. My cash availability is transparent, it's always the same, no secrets, yet the Wife's cash flow is a complete mystery to me, despite always having my head bitten off over money running out yet there's money for holidays, etc. The debt that she digs herself deeper into terrifies me because it drags us both down. I don't get deeper into debt, my debt remains at the same level, I just don't bring in enough cash to sustain my own expenses on a month to month basis, living from pay check to pay check, counting pennies after the 3rd of every month until the next salary hits my bank account only to all be taken away by debts ind interest withing days.
That is the point of this chili sauce exercise - not for fun - I want to try to build up a steady cash inflow on the side, hoping it will gradually increase to the point of building capital to expand to better infrastructure and other products and eventually have a professional production supplying retailers with awesome products. But none of that can happen if I can't even scrape together the basics to get the first batch on the market! But we're going on holiday!
Keeping my mouth shut!
It's these kinds of absolute frustrations that gets me so constantly depressed! On top of that I'm doing a day job that I don't like, eg today I'm doing the job of somebody else who actually reports to me, and I don't know the details of his job like I'm supposed to as the department head, mainly because my own menial work keeps me too busy to learn those ever changing details. It's frustrating and humiliating, and I don't like it. But I have to sit here and do this job for most of my waking hours to bring in that pittance of a salary at the end of the month in an effort to keep the bills paid and the debts from sinking deeper, leaving very little time or resources to work on building a better life. When you are constantly on the back foot trying to play catch-up it's impossible to get ahead and make progress. All I need is a break, a small lotto win or something to get ahead and get a small business going. But that's not how life works, especially as a white male in this country that doesn't have family money as a springboard to build on something worthwhile. This struggle is something I cannot clearly explain, especially having to also deal with alcoholism, ADD, etc.
Now I'm expressing in more detail than I normally do how I feel on a regular and often constant basis. It's times like this that I use as reason to drink, which only makes it worse but the thought of which usually excites me. Like "fuck the world and all it's crap, I'll just go home and drown my thoughts in that black fog again." And I look forward to that! Times like this that make an endeavor to not drink very very difficult to maintain. More often than not these days I feel like my life is pointless, it's an irreparable balls-up that's going nowhere but downwards into more misery and difficulty. I'm trying to put on a positive front, and really I am trying to see the good and the opportunities but they are just not happening, everything just seems out of reach and now I'm brutally aware that I'm moving into the older years of my life and in a few short years it will be time to retire and I will have NOTHING to take with me. I don't want to be alive for that! I don't want to be a wasted forgotten old alcoholic in some abusive government old-age home with not two cents to rub together, long forgotten by my family! These are the things that fill my mind these days. I'm afraid of what life holds. Afraid that all my ideas and ambitions will amount to nothing because of the financial hole my life has amounted to, and in the end I will never manage to catch up and be something my daughter can be proud of someday!
But that is the one thing that keeps me going, keeps my mind working to keep on trying - I have to do it for my Tammy! That kid is my heart and soul, she drives my world and somehow I have to make this all work out for the better, for her sake!
I know that if anybody heard me saying these things they'll laugh at me, because we live in a nice house and have a comfortable life. And yes, that's how it seems. But what's a nice house if you can't afford some paint to make it look nice or get the pool serviced or the leaking geyser repaired or even buy a new pair of underwear every now and then. Appearances are deceptive, because I have no spare money to work with once all the ridiculous bills and debt payments have been made every month! Nothing! And it's killing my soul!
Now I really feel the urge to drink stronger than any other time this week, because I'm crying inside, and drinking is all that makes that better. Tonight is going to be agony!
I've really had enough of being miserable and alone and struggling with my own weaknesses all the time!
That is the point of this chili sauce exercise - not for fun - I want to try to build up a steady cash inflow on the side, hoping it will gradually increase to the point of building capital to expand to better infrastructure and other products and eventually have a professional production supplying retailers with awesome products. But none of that can happen if I can't even scrape together the basics to get the first batch on the market! But we're going on holiday!
Keeping my mouth shut!
It's these kinds of absolute frustrations that gets me so constantly depressed! On top of that I'm doing a day job that I don't like, eg today I'm doing the job of somebody else who actually reports to me, and I don't know the details of his job like I'm supposed to as the department head, mainly because my own menial work keeps me too busy to learn those ever changing details. It's frustrating and humiliating, and I don't like it. But I have to sit here and do this job for most of my waking hours to bring in that pittance of a salary at the end of the month in an effort to keep the bills paid and the debts from sinking deeper, leaving very little time or resources to work on building a better life. When you are constantly on the back foot trying to play catch-up it's impossible to get ahead and make progress. All I need is a break, a small lotto win or something to get ahead and get a small business going. But that's not how life works, especially as a white male in this country that doesn't have family money as a springboard to build on something worthwhile. This struggle is something I cannot clearly explain, especially having to also deal with alcoholism, ADD, etc.
Now I'm expressing in more detail than I normally do how I feel on a regular and often constant basis. It's times like this that I use as reason to drink, which only makes it worse but the thought of which usually excites me. Like "fuck the world and all it's crap, I'll just go home and drown my thoughts in that black fog again." And I look forward to that! Times like this that make an endeavor to not drink very very difficult to maintain. More often than not these days I feel like my life is pointless, it's an irreparable balls-up that's going nowhere but downwards into more misery and difficulty. I'm trying to put on a positive front, and really I am trying to see the good and the opportunities but they are just not happening, everything just seems out of reach and now I'm brutally aware that I'm moving into the older years of my life and in a few short years it will be time to retire and I will have NOTHING to take with me. I don't want to be alive for that! I don't want to be a wasted forgotten old alcoholic in some abusive government old-age home with not two cents to rub together, long forgotten by my family! These are the things that fill my mind these days. I'm afraid of what life holds. Afraid that all my ideas and ambitions will amount to nothing because of the financial hole my life has amounted to, and in the end I will never manage to catch up and be something my daughter can be proud of someday!
But that is the one thing that keeps me going, keeps my mind working to keep on trying - I have to do it for my Tammy! That kid is my heart and soul, she drives my world and somehow I have to make this all work out for the better, for her sake!
I know that if anybody heard me saying these things they'll laugh at me, because we live in a nice house and have a comfortable life. And yes, that's how it seems. But what's a nice house if you can't afford some paint to make it look nice or get the pool serviced or the leaking geyser repaired or even buy a new pair of underwear every now and then. Appearances are deceptive, because I have no spare money to work with once all the ridiculous bills and debt payments have been made every month! Nothing! And it's killing my soul!
Now I really feel the urge to drink stronger than any other time this week, because I'm crying inside, and drinking is all that makes that better. Tonight is going to be agony!
I've really had enough of being miserable and alone and struggling with my own weaknesses all the time!
Day 5
Getting bored of this yet?
So far this daily diary thing is working for me, taking the fight against alcohol a day at a time and keeping a written journal of the progress! I write this with the idea in mind that I have a captive audience out there following my story with encouragement and compassion, though I'm also not naive enough to believe that that audience is real, I doubt anybody else will ever read this. But in my mind it is real and it's helping me. If I lie or cheat I'm only lying or cheating myself, which is pointless and stupid, rendering this whole exercise a waste of my own time, so rest assured dear audience of binary numbers, this platform is me in all my honest entirety!
Last night I did feel like having a drink, as usual, but the urge wasn't as strong as usual. I didn't drink anything, that quarter bottle of J&B is still there, probably getting desperate for some attention, but I've ignored it. So 5 days sober now. I'm not going to be fooled into thinking the addiction is waning this quickly without a drink, I know it doesn't work this way, it waits for you to relax and then pounces unsuspectingly usually in the form of landing in a situation where having a drink is obliged, waking the monster and fueling it back into taking control again.
I have to not let that happen.
Besides, last night I had to go out late to fetch The Wife from a work party in the city at 10pm, so drinking was not even an option. That sort of situation tends to block out most urges anyway. So I used the quiet time while I had access to my computer to get a load of work done on my chili business, and chat to my sweet daughter about her day and stuff. That kid loves telling me all kinds of crazy stories and the scenarios in her head because I listen and I enjoy listening to her. She's so awesome, and she listens to what I have to say with genuine interest and without judgement or insult. It's a rare treat!
I finally got round to creating some financial and product costing spreadsheets and set up the costs per bottle of the two sauces I've made so far and worked out what my selling prices will be. I've also designed a (preliminary) bottle label for my flagship sauce, Pirate Sauce. I'm still deciding on the design details and will spend time in the coming days playing around with ideas, but at least the basic layout is there with the info section looking respectable. I sent it to a friend who's a graphic designer and offered to help and advise for a couple of bottles of sauce. Maybe he can spruce it up a bit.
This coming weekend is going to be a personal challenge as we're going away to Hermanus. The Wife has booked one of these Groupon getaway specials. We will no doubt be going to a few bars and restaurants. I'm going to challenge myself to not have a single alcoholic beverage. Apart from the obvious reasons I also cannot afford it. (I don't think Wife is even aware of what's going on in my life regarding the drinking, I haven't mentioned it). Depressingly I don't actually have any money for this trip, it's a bit of an unpleasant and awkward situation to be landed in this position where I'm going to have to find money that I don't have for food, petrol, entertainment, etc and still have enough to get to the next paycheck in three weeks and still buy my sauce bottle labels next week when my designs are finalized. So not drinking alcohol will save a load of cash!
This crap chair in my office is so annoying. The wheels on two of the castors keeps popping off, lobsiding my chair and rendering it unmovable. It's irritating, but I won't even ask for a new one, I know that conversation won't end in my favour! But more annoying this morning was walking into my office to the stench of death. I knew exactly why, we've had a mouse problem for a while, last week a company came in to lay poison traps. I haven't seen the usual mouse shit scattered on my desk for the last few mornings so I expected to start smelling it's rotten corpse soon. After an extensive search I found it in the file drawer at my colleagues desk in a nest it had made by shredding his payslips, covered in mouse shit and what looked like bloody piss. Disgusting sight, even worse stench. This colleague is the one who's in Uganda training shopfitters now. He's got some cleaning to do when he returns.
I'm so insanely busy at work this week with that plonker on his holiday in Uganda, it's too much, but I'm not pulling unpaid overtime, I don't get paid nearly enough for that nonsense and I have too much other stuff to do in my private time to even consider it, so I best stop blogging and get back to work.
Catch y'all tomorrow... all none of you! haha
So far this daily diary thing is working for me, taking the fight against alcohol a day at a time and keeping a written journal of the progress! I write this with the idea in mind that I have a captive audience out there following my story with encouragement and compassion, though I'm also not naive enough to believe that that audience is real, I doubt anybody else will ever read this. But in my mind it is real and it's helping me. If I lie or cheat I'm only lying or cheating myself, which is pointless and stupid, rendering this whole exercise a waste of my own time, so rest assured dear audience of binary numbers, this platform is me in all my honest entirety!
Last night I did feel like having a drink, as usual, but the urge wasn't as strong as usual. I didn't drink anything, that quarter bottle of J&B is still there, probably getting desperate for some attention, but I've ignored it. So 5 days sober now. I'm not going to be fooled into thinking the addiction is waning this quickly without a drink, I know it doesn't work this way, it waits for you to relax and then pounces unsuspectingly usually in the form of landing in a situation where having a drink is obliged, waking the monster and fueling it back into taking control again.
I have to not let that happen.
Besides, last night I had to go out late to fetch The Wife from a work party in the city at 10pm, so drinking was not even an option. That sort of situation tends to block out most urges anyway. So I used the quiet time while I had access to my computer to get a load of work done on my chili business, and chat to my sweet daughter about her day and stuff. That kid loves telling me all kinds of crazy stories and the scenarios in her head because I listen and I enjoy listening to her. She's so awesome, and she listens to what I have to say with genuine interest and without judgement or insult. It's a rare treat!
 |
| Prelim design for my bottle label |
This coming weekend is going to be a personal challenge as we're going away to Hermanus. The Wife has booked one of these Groupon getaway specials. We will no doubt be going to a few bars and restaurants. I'm going to challenge myself to not have a single alcoholic beverage. Apart from the obvious reasons I also cannot afford it. (I don't think Wife is even aware of what's going on in my life regarding the drinking, I haven't mentioned it). Depressingly I don't actually have any money for this trip, it's a bit of an unpleasant and awkward situation to be landed in this position where I'm going to have to find money that I don't have for food, petrol, entertainment, etc and still have enough to get to the next paycheck in three weeks and still buy my sauce bottle labels next week when my designs are finalized. So not drinking alcohol will save a load of cash!
This crap chair in my office is so annoying. The wheels on two of the castors keeps popping off, lobsiding my chair and rendering it unmovable. It's irritating, but I won't even ask for a new one, I know that conversation won't end in my favour! But more annoying this morning was walking into my office to the stench of death. I knew exactly why, we've had a mouse problem for a while, last week a company came in to lay poison traps. I haven't seen the usual mouse shit scattered on my desk for the last few mornings so I expected to start smelling it's rotten corpse soon. After an extensive search I found it in the file drawer at my colleagues desk in a nest it had made by shredding his payslips, covered in mouse shit and what looked like bloody piss. Disgusting sight, even worse stench. This colleague is the one who's in Uganda training shopfitters now. He's got some cleaning to do when he returns.
I'm so insanely busy at work this week with that plonker on his holiday in Uganda, it's too much, but I'm not pulling unpaid overtime, I don't get paid nearly enough for that nonsense and I have too much other stuff to do in my private time to even consider it, so I best stop blogging and get back to work.
Catch y'all tomorrow... all none of you! haha
Wednesday, 6 April 2016
Day 4
Quick update, so incredibly busy at work today. My colleague who does most of the local bills of quantities has gone to train a new team of shopfitters in Uganda for two weeks and he's not up to date with his work, leaving me to do his job and my own, both of which a full time busy jobs. So I am actually crapping under the workload. As an experienced shopfitter he knows the BoQ's in much greater detail than I do so it takes me a lot longer to put together a list of all the fittings and fixtures required to build a large Pep store, of which I have 3 which need to be done today, along with other management issues that I need to deal with, such as getting a truck released at the Lesotho border being held there by corrupt border officials demanding payment of a lot of money because the "tax invoice looks fake", same tax invoice format I always send with these cross border shipments. It is in effect some dirty bastard expecting a bribe to be paid, which we will not do, we will rather spend the R5000 it's costing us to same-day courier a more "authentic" stamped and signed letterheaded invoice to these dickheads rather than pay the prick his R200 or whatever he'll accept! Africa really is a god-damned continent run by dishonest useless idiots! As I've said before I would still ditch this dusty shithole for greener more civilised pastures like North America or Europe with my family at the slightest hint of an opportunity! Without a second thought!
The answer you're wondering is no, I did not make it to the AA meeting last night. I got cold feet and clung to the excuse that I was told by Wife that I have to make dinner while she completes a study assignment. I'm still well nervous about making the move of going, it's still a secret (between me and my unread blog! LOL). Maybe next week my balls will have swollen a bit with some confidence.
And no, I did not drink last night. Despite that evil quarter bottle of whiskey left over from last Friday, taunting and jeering at me each time I go into the scullery. I know it would be better to kill temptation by throwing it out, but I can't bring myself to doing that seemingly simple thing. Laugh all you want at my weakness, dear internet, but you do not understand the struggle!
This is all the boring waffle I have time for today...
The answer you're wondering is no, I did not make it to the AA meeting last night. I got cold feet and clung to the excuse that I was told by Wife that I have to make dinner while she completes a study assignment. I'm still well nervous about making the move of going, it's still a secret (between me and my unread blog! LOL). Maybe next week my balls will have swollen a bit with some confidence.
And no, I did not drink last night. Despite that evil quarter bottle of whiskey left over from last Friday, taunting and jeering at me each time I go into the scullery. I know it would be better to kill temptation by throwing it out, but I can't bring myself to doing that seemingly simple thing. Laugh all you want at my weakness, dear internet, but you do not understand the struggle!
This is all the boring waffle I have time for today...
Tuesday, 5 April 2016
Day 3
So far so good, still no booze in the last 3 days. Early days still, I know, but progress is progress, albeit in baby steps.
Last night we went out to a restaurant for dinner, Enchanted Pizza in Parklands. The pizza was fantastic, and I drank sparkling mineral water. Quite enjoyed it actually.
Though I'm was still considering the dilemma of social functions like the usual rugby braai or going to a pub. What then? If I keep it to one or two "social" drinks am I still going to count those days, providing I manage to keep control so it doesn't become a binge, ie. hammering back shooters then hitting the whiskey back at home just to get pissed.
The problem is I understand that alcoholism doesn't work like that. It's all or nothing. I know from many years of experience that once I start my inhibitions and all good intentions frizzle away with each swig and the demonic urge to consume as much alcohol as possible until all sense of reason and reality is a mindless blur (and slur) takes full control without much effort. "Just one beer" soon becomes a "fuckit, I'll start again tomorrow", and then tomorrow is another pity-party full of regrets and kicking myself for being a weak idiot again with a throbbing hangover rendering another day wasted!
One option is to allow unrestricted "off days", like once every fortnight. But then that sounds just like the cop-out that it is! That feels like the insecurity of FOMO (fear of missing out) and a fear of not having fun griping my thoughts. This addiction is like a parasite on my mind! Not like, it is!
We'll see what happens. For now I'm taking this one day at a time. Each day sober is a small victory!
Tonight being Tuesday is AA meeting in my area, a fact that I'm brutally conscious of. I'm still in half minds about going, each thought of going gives me nervous butterflies bordering on fear. I've not mentioned it to my family or anybody yet because if I say I'm going then chicken out then nobody takes me seriously. Understandably, since I've said these things so many times before!
Besides this blog I've not mentioned this "mission" to anybody.
I shall report back tomorrow what happens...
Last night we went out to a restaurant for dinner, Enchanted Pizza in Parklands. The pizza was fantastic, and I drank sparkling mineral water. Quite enjoyed it actually.
Though I'm was still considering the dilemma of social functions like the usual rugby braai or going to a pub. What then? If I keep it to one or two "social" drinks am I still going to count those days, providing I manage to keep control so it doesn't become a binge, ie. hammering back shooters then hitting the whiskey back at home just to get pissed.
The problem is I understand that alcoholism doesn't work like that. It's all or nothing. I know from many years of experience that once I start my inhibitions and all good intentions frizzle away with each swig and the demonic urge to consume as much alcohol as possible until all sense of reason and reality is a mindless blur (and slur) takes full control without much effort. "Just one beer" soon becomes a "fuckit, I'll start again tomorrow", and then tomorrow is another pity-party full of regrets and kicking myself for being a weak idiot again with a throbbing hangover rendering another day wasted!
One option is to allow unrestricted "off days", like once every fortnight. But then that sounds just like the cop-out that it is! That feels like the insecurity of FOMO (fear of missing out) and a fear of not having fun griping my thoughts. This addiction is like a parasite on my mind! Not like, it is!
We'll see what happens. For now I'm taking this one day at a time. Each day sober is a small victory!
Tonight being Tuesday is AA meeting in my area, a fact that I'm brutally conscious of. I'm still in half minds about going, each thought of going gives me nervous butterflies bordering on fear. I've not mentioned it to my family or anybody yet because if I say I'm going then chicken out then nobody takes me seriously. Understandably, since I've said these things so many times before!
Besides this blog I've not mentioned this "mission" to anybody.
I shall report back tomorrow what happens...
Monday, 4 April 2016
Mission - Day 2
So this weekend I've spent a bit of time thinking about my ongoing battle with the bottle. On Friday night again I got shitfaced at home, polishing off most of a bottle of whiskey, which as usual rendered me useless with a hangover for most of Saturday. An all too common recurring story in my life!
For anybody following my blog you'll have noticed lately I'm going through one of my more vigorous phases of desperately wanting to give up the booze, mostly because lately I've been drinking particularly more. Albeit these revelations to quit are mostly more bark and no bite, nothing ever changes, I'm thinking this time it's time to actually put some action into the happening instead of just bitching about it on here on the Daily Drumroll and by this afternoon losing all my resolve and getting wasted again tonight after work and again every other evening for the rest of the week.
I've truly had enough of that self destruction now! (Again!)
I'm still considering joining the AA meetings again on Tuesday evenings, maybe in some way that will help, if nothing else to change my reaction to the usual triggers that get my easily manipulated sub-conscience convinced to drink another session (boredom at home, frustration, angry & bitchy wife, anger and hatred at myself and my own inadequacies, etc), though thinking about it in the car this morning while wife went on again for an hour about other people who I don't know and their life's problems while bottling in all I wish I could say, I was thinking that maybe going to speak to a professional, a shrink of some sort, might not be a bad idea. It might provide some insight from a different perspective and may go towards changing my own stubborn mentality. I don't know. I don't know if that would help, and I certainly can't afford that sort of expense right now so like so many other grand ideas that I come up with it will likely just hit the dead end wall of financial restrictions, and fade away into the depths of the pages of this blog.
Maybe somebody at the AA can provide an alternative to professional therapy! Or maybe after a session or two at the AA like last time I'll scrap that idea due to being just an invisible outsider once more, or it will be like a church & prayer service. I'll rather go to church on a Sunday for religious inspiration than an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.
Or am I being stubborn and selfish in branding them as useless to me before giving them a chance, based on one insecure experience?
Anyway, the point of all this is that sometime soon this pity-party of constantly feeling sorry for myself because of alcohol needs to come to an end and soon so that I can prolong what's left of my time in the world with some form of pride and dignity. That will not happen as long as the booze still has a grip on my body and mind. Nobody else cares enough to help or advise (there's that self-pity thing again) so I'm going to try do this alone. And if it works, maybe I'll document my methods and use it to inspire others in the same predicament. Alcoholism is a terribly lonely dark hole to be in, one which the rest of society (including loved ones) tends to walk around and look the other way, with only insult, condemnation, and hypocritical judgement on offer.
It's like the one rule of the AA - you only need a desire to quit drinking. I have that desire in bucketloads, but the strength and willpower to meet that desire is seriously lacking. I don't know why it's such a difficult thing to overcome and just not allow myself to walk into that bottle store in the first place, let along pour that first precious drink!
I'm waffling again and need to get back to doing my job. So here's what I'm going to do as an attempt at self motivation to not drink...
I'm going to use this blog as a daily diary about giving up drinking, counting and documenting each day off the booze.
I'm marking this as day two, being Monday now. I didn't drink yesterday or Saturday, though Saturday doesn't count because I was so hungover from Friday. So this is now day two of hopefully a new life of sobriety.
No this is not a permanent commitment to never touching alcohol again, there will be exceptions. The concept of never touching a drink again is absolutely frightening, and overwhelming. The concept is, to my mind, unfathomable Example my 40th is coming up soon and I've booked a Mexican cantina for the party, so there will no doubt be a lot of tequila. Tequila is one of my weaknesses, I won't be able to say no to that.
Besides, this might only last a few days until my mad brain moves onto some other fantastical idea. But for now the idea is fresh and strong and as I write this I have all intention of seeing it through.
So let's see what happens, and we'll talk again tomorrow...
Note: This will be an honest daily account. If I drink I will say so, and tomorrow start from Day 1 again, maybe the private humiliation will be adeterrant.
For anybody following my blog you'll have noticed lately I'm going through one of my more vigorous phases of desperately wanting to give up the booze, mostly because lately I've been drinking particularly more. Albeit these revelations to quit are mostly more bark and no bite, nothing ever changes, I'm thinking this time it's time to actually put some action into the happening instead of just bitching about it on here on the Daily Drumroll and by this afternoon losing all my resolve and getting wasted again tonight after work and again every other evening for the rest of the week.
I've truly had enough of that self destruction now! (Again!)
I'm still considering joining the AA meetings again on Tuesday evenings, maybe in some way that will help, if nothing else to change my reaction to the usual triggers that get my easily manipulated sub-conscience convinced to drink another session (boredom at home, frustration, angry & bitchy wife, anger and hatred at myself and my own inadequacies, etc), though thinking about it in the car this morning while wife went on again for an hour about other people who I don't know and their life's problems while bottling in all I wish I could say, I was thinking that maybe going to speak to a professional, a shrink of some sort, might not be a bad idea. It might provide some insight from a different perspective and may go towards changing my own stubborn mentality. I don't know. I don't know if that would help, and I certainly can't afford that sort of expense right now so like so many other grand ideas that I come up with it will likely just hit the dead end wall of financial restrictions, and fade away into the depths of the pages of this blog.
Maybe somebody at the AA can provide an alternative to professional therapy! Or maybe after a session or two at the AA like last time I'll scrap that idea due to being just an invisible outsider once more, or it will be like a church & prayer service. I'll rather go to church on a Sunday for religious inspiration than an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.
Or am I being stubborn and selfish in branding them as useless to me before giving them a chance, based on one insecure experience?
Anyway, the point of all this is that sometime soon this pity-party of constantly feeling sorry for myself because of alcohol needs to come to an end and soon so that I can prolong what's left of my time in the world with some form of pride and dignity. That will not happen as long as the booze still has a grip on my body and mind. Nobody else cares enough to help or advise (there's that self-pity thing again) so I'm going to try do this alone. And if it works, maybe I'll document my methods and use it to inspire others in the same predicament. Alcoholism is a terribly lonely dark hole to be in, one which the rest of society (including loved ones) tends to walk around and look the other way, with only insult, condemnation, and hypocritical judgement on offer.
It's like the one rule of the AA - you only need a desire to quit drinking. I have that desire in bucketloads, but the strength and willpower to meet that desire is seriously lacking. I don't know why it's such a difficult thing to overcome and just not allow myself to walk into that bottle store in the first place, let along pour that first precious drink!
I'm waffling again and need to get back to doing my job. So here's what I'm going to do as an attempt at self motivation to not drink...
I'm going to use this blog as a daily diary about giving up drinking, counting and documenting each day off the booze.
I'm marking this as day two, being Monday now. I didn't drink yesterday or Saturday, though Saturday doesn't count because I was so hungover from Friday. So this is now day two of hopefully a new life of sobriety.
No this is not a permanent commitment to never touching alcohol again, there will be exceptions. The concept of never touching a drink again is absolutely frightening, and overwhelming. The concept is, to my mind, unfathomable Example my 40th is coming up soon and I've booked a Mexican cantina for the party, so there will no doubt be a lot of tequila. Tequila is one of my weaknesses, I won't be able to say no to that.
Besides, this might only last a few days until my mad brain moves onto some other fantastical idea. But for now the idea is fresh and strong and as I write this I have all intention of seeing it through.
So let's see what happens, and we'll talk again tomorrow...
Note: This will be an honest daily account. If I drink I will say so, and tomorrow start from Day 1 again, maybe the private humiliation will be adeterrant.
Thursday, 31 March 2016
AA, maybe
In light of my previous two blog posts, I made the tentative move of venturing onto the AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) website to do a bit of reading. I'm thinking it's about time to stop bitching about being an alcoholic and not wanting to be an alcoholic and not knowing what to do about it; and actually do something about it! It's clear that despite my cries for help, it's not going to come to me. Alcoholism is a very lonely and dark place, being shunned and judged by everybody else for being caught by the disease. People are quick to insult, criticize and bitch about alcoholics but nobody will bother to offer any help. That's my experience anyway, so I'm going to have to start clawing my way out of the bottle on my own.
I did previously go to the local Table View AA, I went to two meetings, and it didn't work for me. I felt like an outsider butting my way into a long established clique of old friends, I didn't feel comfortable. They had no welcome packs at the time but I was promised somebody would contact me when they had and to discuss a possible "sponsor". That never happened. It also felt like a church service with a room full of born-again Christians, with multiple prayer sessions. I am a Christian, "born-again" many years ago. Sure I don't go around preaching or living by the 10 commandments, but I am a believer, my relationship with God is a personal one. But in that particular environment I didn't feel comfortable. What I needed was help and advice and encouragement and support to stop drinking, not scripture lessons and prayers.
But, I've also realised that besides the AA there simply is no other support or help around for alcoholics, besides expensive rehab centres, which are absolutely not an option. So reluctantly I'm going to have to give the AA another try in the near future, or carry on drinking until it kills me.
I'm not keen to die just yet, and I feel that is coming soon if something is not done!
To be honest, the idea of going back there does make me nervous, incredibly so. Not because anybody might recognize me, because I doubt anybody noticed the last time I was there. It's a big step, a huge step, to actually attempt getting help to stop drinking and break free from this disease, because that's what it is - a disease that affects the mind and body. I'm honestly afraid, it's like walking away from a 22 year love/hate relationship. What will happen, how will I cope with NOT drinking at social functions. Truly, the idea of actually not drinking and being drunk and hungover again is exciting in some strange way, but I know that at the time, or even this evening in a few hours the cravings will be back and it will be incredibly difficult, and stressful, to not touch alcohol.
Besides, what do non-drinkers drink at parties? Besides sugar? Everything else except water has mountains of sugar, and I don't want the sugar. So what are the alternatives to alcohol? What are the incentives? Go to a party and drink water, milk or coffee all night? Sorry but that idea does not sound like barrels of fun!
But, somehow that will need to become a reality. I simply cannot drink in moderation, or drink minimal like a beer or two. Alcohol grips me and takes control just at the thought of a drink! Once that first drink crosses my lips I will be swigging out the whiskey bottle until I have no more memory of the night. Happens every time! And if I run out of booze I go insane. It's not cool, I'm ashamed of the person I am when I drink.
It needs to stop!
And I need to do some work...
I did previously go to the local Table View AA, I went to two meetings, and it didn't work for me. I felt like an outsider butting my way into a long established clique of old friends, I didn't feel comfortable. They had no welcome packs at the time but I was promised somebody would contact me when they had and to discuss a possible "sponsor". That never happened. It also felt like a church service with a room full of born-again Christians, with multiple prayer sessions. I am a Christian, "born-again" many years ago. Sure I don't go around preaching or living by the 10 commandments, but I am a believer, my relationship with God is a personal one. But in that particular environment I didn't feel comfortable. What I needed was help and advice and encouragement and support to stop drinking, not scripture lessons and prayers.
But, I've also realised that besides the AA there simply is no other support or help around for alcoholics, besides expensive rehab centres, which are absolutely not an option. So reluctantly I'm going to have to give the AA another try in the near future, or carry on drinking until it kills me.
I'm not keen to die just yet, and I feel that is coming soon if something is not done!
To be honest, the idea of going back there does make me nervous, incredibly so. Not because anybody might recognize me, because I doubt anybody noticed the last time I was there. It's a big step, a huge step, to actually attempt getting help to stop drinking and break free from this disease, because that's what it is - a disease that affects the mind and body. I'm honestly afraid, it's like walking away from a 22 year love/hate relationship. What will happen, how will I cope with NOT drinking at social functions. Truly, the idea of actually not drinking and being drunk and hungover again is exciting in some strange way, but I know that at the time, or even this evening in a few hours the cravings will be back and it will be incredibly difficult, and stressful, to not touch alcohol.
Besides, what do non-drinkers drink at parties? Besides sugar? Everything else except water has mountains of sugar, and I don't want the sugar. So what are the alternatives to alcohol? What are the incentives? Go to a party and drink water, milk or coffee all night? Sorry but that idea does not sound like barrels of fun!
But, somehow that will need to become a reality. I simply cannot drink in moderation, or drink minimal like a beer or two. Alcohol grips me and takes control just at the thought of a drink! Once that first drink crosses my lips I will be swigging out the whiskey bottle until I have no more memory of the night. Happens every time! And if I run out of booze I go insane. It's not cool, I'm ashamed of the person I am when I drink.
It needs to stop!
And I need to do some work...
Another angry one, with sadness.
So I just read my blog from last night, I considered deleting it because of the bad language rant because of how that side of my personality offends people, but I've decided to leave it as it was written, here on my publicly viewable blog, not to offend the soft-cocks who don't like my dark side, but because that dark side is who I am and this blog is a reflection of the mad goings-on in my mind. Enough times in the past I've written a blog like that, angry and obscene, often fueled by alcohol like last nights one, read it the next day and deleted it out of embarrassment, thinking of the goodie goodies who will take offence. Honest thoughts lost to the sensitivities of others. These stories are always honest, but I'm gatvol of having to always try to control my demons for the benefit of other people who seem to take personal offence at much of what I say. Meantime those peoples reaction and offence offends me deeply, not that that matters! Classic example, the time I called jacob zuma a poes face on Facebook and my sister in-law took offence and lambasted me publicaly followed quickly by my mom jumping in that same boat and disowning me and my family for 3 years as a result of the insulting fight that ensued. Apparently I should have rather just shut up and apologized politely with my tail between my legs in submission to the clique who's opinions matter more.
But anyway, best not scratch open those old wounds again, they have barely healed, despite the ever present scars.
Point is, as much as I do make a concerted effort to close up and keep my real thoughts and personality caged up these days, I do go through times like this where the beast just needs to get out and flap it's wings in clear air for a while, release the pressure, until I can reel it back in and shut it back up again.
I'm not trying to be dramatic, and despite being an alcoholic I don't know what my mental problems are (because the rest of judgmental society will see them as "problems", like bipolar, schizophrenia, ADHD, or just plain fucking mad), but this angry, resentful, aggressive side to my personality is just part of the complete package. I know I'm generally a nice guy, a good guy with good intentions and a lot of love to give, and I'm an awesome father according to my awesome child; I just think I'm misunderstood. Hell I don't even understand much of what goes on in my head, or where it comes from!
Possibly part of the problem is the bear with a sore toe syndrome, or in this case, man with a hole in the arm. I had a large cyst the size of a golf ball cut out of my arm two days ago, resulting in a big hole gouged deep into my upper arm closed up with 14 stitches. It has been very painful and still is, to the point it's actually becoming outright annoying! I'm taking painkillers which make me sleepy and mess with my mood and concentration. Fueling this rant.
Or it could also be the onset of manopause, or a hangover, or both.
Who knows, who cares!
I'm still frustrated at being unable to create simple labels last night for my chili sauces. I bought sheets of stickers and used the corresponding template in MS Word to design them and despite the design looking stupidly amateurish I could not get the label template to print on the actual labels, wasting my time and a stack of expensive sheets of labels with only a bad temper tantrum to show for my efforts. I don't know what to do about this, I can't afford expensive designers and professional printers.
What I don't understand is why do I sit here hating the fact that I binge drink, feeling shit from the hangover, thinking quite logically that I'm an idiot for getting drunk again and doing such horrific damage to my body and mind (maybe had I been sober I'd have gotten those labels right), and I swear I'm going to stop this stupidity. This happens every time! Yet last night on the way home I clearly remember looking forward to that drink, the thought of it excited me, I couldn't wait to get home to the pleasure and joy of diving into that foul-tasting soul-destroying crap! I don't understand what controls my brain into being completely manipulated by that desire to drink to get drunk, day after day, despite knowing that there are large numbers of wrong reasons to drink compared to not one single logical good reason to drink! I could list a hundred reasons not to drink right now, and I could logically discredit any possible positive reason for drinking without much thought. Yet this evening none of that will be relevant as the next mindwash to get home and get soaked in whiskey takes over all rational thought!
I don't understand why this happens or how to stop it!
Anyway, I've calmed down. Now the next thing to happen is I will read through this and realise I'm making an arse of myself again and will consider deleting this post to the trash bin. If you have read through this then you'll know I decided against that.
Maybe I need to see a shrink. These blog entries are testament to that. But now I'm thinking "why"? Because that's what 'society' would suggest? Because that's the easy solution - flog off problematic people to strangers with degrees in psychology and rate the problem as being solved. Like euthanasing problem animals, except with humans that would be murder, even more highly frowned upon than institutionalizing the non-"normal". Like Sylvester the lion. He only wants to be free, be himself, as nature intended. For that he will probably be "put down" because he's going against the boundaries imposed by stupid humans! He doesn't want to be controlled, like I don't want to be controlled, yet I have to accept that I need to be controlled by psychology in order to be accepted by "other" people...
Not sure where that was going...
Anyway, I have work to do. Those bills don't pay themselves! And since I can't even make simple fucking bottle labels it's unlikely I'll ever have the aptitude or patience to run any kind of entrepreneurial business like selling sauces. So I best accept that this menial low-paying day job is the way the rest of my life will pan out! The deep depression which revelations like that instills in my mind frightens me! It's a lonely place in there.
Have a nice day!
Edit: Just as an afterthought... on the admin dashboard on my Blogger profile I can see how many people have read each blog, it counts the number of times a page is viewed on a unique computer or device by noting the IP address, and unless I share a post on my Facebook page then absolutely nobody reads them. So I don't know why I'm concerned about who reads these articles about my madness, because nobody even reads them. Except for the very first post nobody has ever commented in the comments section below each blog post (prove me wrong by leaving a comment below this one please!) I'm not sharing this post on Facebook, so I don't expect to see any comments.
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaa...
But anyway, best not scratch open those old wounds again, they have barely healed, despite the ever present scars.
Point is, as much as I do make a concerted effort to close up and keep my real thoughts and personality caged up these days, I do go through times like this where the beast just needs to get out and flap it's wings in clear air for a while, release the pressure, until I can reel it back in and shut it back up again.
I'm not trying to be dramatic, and despite being an alcoholic I don't know what my mental problems are (because the rest of judgmental society will see them as "problems", like bipolar, schizophrenia, ADHD, or just plain fucking mad), but this angry, resentful, aggressive side to my personality is just part of the complete package. I know I'm generally a nice guy, a good guy with good intentions and a lot of love to give, and I'm an awesome father according to my awesome child; I just think I'm misunderstood. Hell I don't even understand much of what goes on in my head, or where it comes from!
Possibly part of the problem is the bear with a sore toe syndrome, or in this case, man with a hole in the arm. I had a large cyst the size of a golf ball cut out of my arm two days ago, resulting in a big hole gouged deep into my upper arm closed up with 14 stitches. It has been very painful and still is, to the point it's actually becoming outright annoying! I'm taking painkillers which make me sleepy and mess with my mood and concentration. Fueling this rant.
Or it could also be the onset of manopause, or a hangover, or both.
Who knows, who cares!
I'm still frustrated at being unable to create simple labels last night for my chili sauces. I bought sheets of stickers and used the corresponding template in MS Word to design them and despite the design looking stupidly amateurish I could not get the label template to print on the actual labels, wasting my time and a stack of expensive sheets of labels with only a bad temper tantrum to show for my efforts. I don't know what to do about this, I can't afford expensive designers and professional printers.
What I don't understand is why do I sit here hating the fact that I binge drink, feeling shit from the hangover, thinking quite logically that I'm an idiot for getting drunk again and doing such horrific damage to my body and mind (maybe had I been sober I'd have gotten those labels right), and I swear I'm going to stop this stupidity. This happens every time! Yet last night on the way home I clearly remember looking forward to that drink, the thought of it excited me, I couldn't wait to get home to the pleasure and joy of diving into that foul-tasting soul-destroying crap! I don't understand what controls my brain into being completely manipulated by that desire to drink to get drunk, day after day, despite knowing that there are large numbers of wrong reasons to drink compared to not one single logical good reason to drink! I could list a hundred reasons not to drink right now, and I could logically discredit any possible positive reason for drinking without much thought. Yet this evening none of that will be relevant as the next mindwash to get home and get soaked in whiskey takes over all rational thought!
I don't understand why this happens or how to stop it!
Anyway, I've calmed down. Now the next thing to happen is I will read through this and realise I'm making an arse of myself again and will consider deleting this post to the trash bin. If you have read through this then you'll know I decided against that.
Maybe I need to see a shrink. These blog entries are testament to that. But now I'm thinking "why"? Because that's what 'society' would suggest? Because that's the easy solution - flog off problematic people to strangers with degrees in psychology and rate the problem as being solved. Like euthanasing problem animals, except with humans that would be murder, even more highly frowned upon than institutionalizing the non-"normal". Like Sylvester the lion. He only wants to be free, be himself, as nature intended. For that he will probably be "put down" because he's going against the boundaries imposed by stupid humans! He doesn't want to be controlled, like I don't want to be controlled, yet I have to accept that I need to be controlled by psychology in order to be accepted by "other" people...
Not sure where that was going...
Anyway, I have work to do. Those bills don't pay themselves! And since I can't even make simple fucking bottle labels it's unlikely I'll ever have the aptitude or patience to run any kind of entrepreneurial business like selling sauces. So I best accept that this menial low-paying day job is the way the rest of my life will pan out! The deep depression which revelations like that instills in my mind frightens me! It's a lonely place in there.
Have a nice day!
Edit: Just as an afterthought... on the admin dashboard on my Blogger profile I can see how many people have read each blog, it counts the number of times a page is viewed on a unique computer or device by noting the IP address, and unless I share a post on my Facebook page then absolutely nobody reads them. So I don't know why I'm concerned about who reads these articles about my madness, because nobody even reads them. Except for the very first post nobody has ever commented in the comments section below each blog post (prove me wrong by leaving a comment below this one please!) I'm not sharing this post on Facebook, so I don't expect to see any comments.
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaa...
Wednesday, 30 March 2016
Don't read this! Ok!
Right now I want so much just to be able to rant! I feel like shit and I'm grumpy as fuck and the only people who will listen are a very small group of my "friends" on my social media spaces, like this blog! I used to use facebook for my rants but apparently most people don't wanna know, apparently I've offended a lot of people, I've heard rumors that many people have unfollowed me, eg. my mom told me recently that my extended family discuss my online "behaviour" at family gatherings like Christmas, and not in a positive way. It seems the superficial appearances are far more important than real people. Although I do miss being part of a bigger family I'm also fine without them, I don't need or want to be judged for not conforming to the norm and have for years now distanced myself and my loved ones from that sort of soul corrosion. You get beaten off enough times you back off! I'm still not quite sure where I landed up being the family black sheep, it was never meant and intentions were always good and honest, but I suppose in every big family somebody needs to bear that dark title and I believe I wear that crown with many thorns.
So this is already getting to the level of getting me right back down deep in the shit of offending people, again not because I want to but because I'm fucking miserable right now and when I'm miserable it pisses people off! I had minor surgery yesterday which has been incredibly painful all day today, I had a shyte day at work, I've just spent my evening trying to design and create simple labels using simple Word templates matching the standard stationery sheets of expensive labels and it's not working and with all the painkillers in my system right now I'm just not fucking happy at the moment! My great ambition to make and sell awesome professionally presented chili sauces is just not going to plan! The sauces are made and bottled, but sitting in boxes in the garage, useless, because I cannot create simple fucking labels for them!
And this hole in my arm is burning like hell despite the whiskey and painkillers!
Why the fuck does it have to be so god damned impossible to make progress! I hate this drag of the menial unappreciated degrading day job that just drags one deeper into a recession as inflation drowns one in waves past the annual basic pay rise while the "correctly" connected soar to financial wealth! Just a small fucking break would be nice. Like labels that print correctly on a home printer so one can try sell a few simple sauces! It's not asking much!
So yeah, rant is feeling good, I still have this angry scowl etched on my face, I can feel it and I hate feeling this way but ranting in writing is in some fucked up way therapeutic!
To my regular, more conservative readers, please forgive my bad language, and don't abandon me as most of my family have. You know I've been trying to tone down my personality both here and on facebook. Sometimes it's just not easy keeping it all bottled! Let alone labelled! Haha see there's still the joker throwing a bone in...
Goodnight!
So this is already getting to the level of getting me right back down deep in the shit of offending people, again not because I want to but because I'm fucking miserable right now and when I'm miserable it pisses people off! I had minor surgery yesterday which has been incredibly painful all day today, I had a shyte day at work, I've just spent my evening trying to design and create simple labels using simple Word templates matching the standard stationery sheets of expensive labels and it's not working and with all the painkillers in my system right now I'm just not fucking happy at the moment! My great ambition to make and sell awesome professionally presented chili sauces is just not going to plan! The sauces are made and bottled, but sitting in boxes in the garage, useless, because I cannot create simple fucking labels for them!
And this hole in my arm is burning like hell despite the whiskey and painkillers!
Why the fuck does it have to be so god damned impossible to make progress! I hate this drag of the menial unappreciated degrading day job that just drags one deeper into a recession as inflation drowns one in waves past the annual basic pay rise while the "correctly" connected soar to financial wealth! Just a small fucking break would be nice. Like labels that print correctly on a home printer so one can try sell a few simple sauces! It's not asking much!
So yeah, rant is feeling good, I still have this angry scowl etched on my face, I can feel it and I hate feeling this way but ranting in writing is in some fucked up way therapeutic!
To my regular, more conservative readers, please forgive my bad language, and don't abandon me as most of my family have. You know I've been trying to tone down my personality both here and on facebook. Sometimes it's just not easy keeping it all bottled! Let alone labelled! Haha see there's still the joker throwing a bone in...
Goodnight!
Thursday, 24 March 2016
Dogs & stuff
I feel like writing up a blog post today but I don't know what I feel like writing about so this will just be another random waffle about nothing in particular.
I'll start with pictures of my dogs. The skinny one is Daisy-Belle, a 3-legged amputee that we adopted last month. Her leg was amputated because she had been so badly beaten that her leg was paralyzed and dragging on the ground causing open wounds. They had to amputate it. She also had cuts and sores from the abuse, and she came in to the shelter with a litter of puppies who were so ill they all died. She is really the sweetest dog and so happy to be with us. The fat one is Higgins, or Piggins, because he eats and grunts like an eternally hungry piglet. Also an awesome and very lovable mutt, an SPCA rescue. He's a Labradoodle.
The most exciting thing happening in my life at the moment is the Two Oceans half marathon two days from now. So guess what, you're about to read more about running, except my right hand hurts while I'm typing so this won't be too long. I hope it's not the early onset of gout or some other old-age related ailment where the bones fuse up and don't work properly. And yes, I am getting old, I'm almost 40!
Old-man hands aside, I'm really excited about this years Two Oceans, it's the first one I'm running where I'm going for a respectable finish time, not just to finish within the allocated time. My aim is for a 2 hour 10 minute finish. I had originally planned to go for a sub 2 hour finish but my training has not been sufficient and with all the foot traffic in the way that's unlikely. I'm seeded in group C so there won't be that many people behind me, unlike last year where we just made it to the back of group E as the cannon fired (we were late due to traffic), with 16,000 people in front of us (Colin, Marius and I) to work our way through. It took about 12 minutes just to cross the start line after the gun went off, that's 2km worth of time on the road. My mates are all back in group D this year, they start 10 minutes after me, and they have lots of people to get through. I think it's Colin's greatest ambition to ensure he catches me on the road. It's my mission to ensure he doesn't. He usually finishes the 10km races about 5 minutes ahead of me, which will equate to about 10 minutes over 21km, so he may be close, but he won't catch me this time. As for Marius, we'll all be waiting for him at the finish, though I'm well proud of the guy, firstly that he's actually doing this again despite his pain last year, and secondly he's been doing very well with his running lately. His wife Adriana is doing her first Oceans. She only started running a few months ago, she pulled off a 2h 15m for her first ever race, last years Gun Run 21.1km. That chick has a fast pair of legs on her but she's light and slender so she should be fast. I rate she'll do a similar time to mine, though 10 minutes behind because my group starts 10 minutes earlier than them. At least I manage to secure parking near the finish this year so we have a long walk to the start, but that's at least better than a long walk after the race, like the previous races! That's just kak!
Ja I'm really looking forward to this run, it will be nice to be competitive for the first time. It's always emotional for me finishing Oceans, though this will be my last half for a while, from next year I'm taking on the 56km Ultra. I can't wait to be fit enough to be able to run distances like that in respectable finish times.
From next week I'll find myself a running coach and start on a proper marathon training program to work up to the Cape Town Marathon in September, that will be my first full marathon.
I put too much Dynamite on my lunch, my face it burning.
I've actually messed up on my training this week, I had planned on at least one treadmill hill run at the gym yesterday but instead I've stayed home and drank too much for the last 3 days in a row so I've done no running, instead I've weakened myself a little. This is my biggest problem, and weakness, and the time is coming soon to find a way of dealing with this and stop the drinking. I don't yet know what or how, and I'll take any advice, but I need to can the bottle now. I've had enough of this shit, this self destruction that ruins everything else in my life including my running progress. I know if it weren't for the drinking I'd be much faster and fitter by now, that sub 2 hour wouldn't just be a possibility, it would be happening consistently at the 21km races by now. I'd be as fast or faster than Colin. This knowledge depresses me, and what do I do when I'm feeling down - I drink some more. I am deeply ashamed of this addiction to booze, but maybe being open about it, in a way shaming myself, will contribute towards making the psychological changes that will get me off of that poison! I need to! I want to! I just don't know how to stop!
I'm seriously gatvol of feeling hungover all the time!
So anyway, this last weekend was indeed a good one on the road. On Saturday I did the Ravensmeade 15km in a time of 1h 35m, did that one with Adriana (1h 30m). The pic below is with a fellow club member, Duncan. We're part of West Coast Athletic Club. And a pic of the medal.
Then on Monday's public holiday I did the Top Form 10km with Adriana, Marius & Colin. First time in ages the whole gang has run together, even though we all finish apart. At least I beat Adriana this time! LOL.
In other news, my Tammy is away this week spending some time with her grandparent. Since Sunday with my dad in Witsand, this morning she went to my mom in Somerset West. I'll fetch her on Saturday after the race, and I can't wait because I'm missing that kid like crazy!
Back to work for the last 3 hours of the day, and week, then we're off for a much needed 4 day weekend! As weekends should be!
Have a great Easter y'all!
I'll start with pictures of my dogs. The skinny one is Daisy-Belle, a 3-legged amputee that we adopted last month. Her leg was amputated because she had been so badly beaten that her leg was paralyzed and dragging on the ground causing open wounds. They had to amputate it. She also had cuts and sores from the abuse, and she came in to the shelter with a litter of puppies who were so ill they all died. She is really the sweetest dog and so happy to be with us. The fat one is Higgins, or Piggins, because he eats and grunts like an eternally hungry piglet. Also an awesome and very lovable mutt, an SPCA rescue. He's a Labradoodle.
 |
| Daisy-Belle |
 |
| Higgins |
The most exciting thing happening in my life at the moment is the Two Oceans half marathon two days from now. So guess what, you're about to read more about running, except my right hand hurts while I'm typing so this won't be too long. I hope it's not the early onset of gout or some other old-age related ailment where the bones fuse up and don't work properly. And yes, I am getting old, I'm almost 40!
Old-man hands aside, I'm really excited about this years Two Oceans, it's the first one I'm running where I'm going for a respectable finish time, not just to finish within the allocated time. My aim is for a 2 hour 10 minute finish. I had originally planned to go for a sub 2 hour finish but my training has not been sufficient and with all the foot traffic in the way that's unlikely. I'm seeded in group C so there won't be that many people behind me, unlike last year where we just made it to the back of group E as the cannon fired (we were late due to traffic), with 16,000 people in front of us (Colin, Marius and I) to work our way through. It took about 12 minutes just to cross the start line after the gun went off, that's 2km worth of time on the road. My mates are all back in group D this year, they start 10 minutes after me, and they have lots of people to get through. I think it's Colin's greatest ambition to ensure he catches me on the road. It's my mission to ensure he doesn't. He usually finishes the 10km races about 5 minutes ahead of me, which will equate to about 10 minutes over 21km, so he may be close, but he won't catch me this time. As for Marius, we'll all be waiting for him at the finish, though I'm well proud of the guy, firstly that he's actually doing this again despite his pain last year, and secondly he's been doing very well with his running lately. His wife Adriana is doing her first Oceans. She only started running a few months ago, she pulled off a 2h 15m for her first ever race, last years Gun Run 21.1km. That chick has a fast pair of legs on her but she's light and slender so she should be fast. I rate she'll do a similar time to mine, though 10 minutes behind because my group starts 10 minutes earlier than them. At least I manage to secure parking near the finish this year so we have a long walk to the start, but that's at least better than a long walk after the race, like the previous races! That's just kak!
Ja I'm really looking forward to this run, it will be nice to be competitive for the first time. It's always emotional for me finishing Oceans, though this will be my last half for a while, from next year I'm taking on the 56km Ultra. I can't wait to be fit enough to be able to run distances like that in respectable finish times.
From next week I'll find myself a running coach and start on a proper marathon training program to work up to the Cape Town Marathon in September, that will be my first full marathon.
I put too much Dynamite on my lunch, my face it burning.
I've actually messed up on my training this week, I had planned on at least one treadmill hill run at the gym yesterday but instead I've stayed home and drank too much for the last 3 days in a row so I've done no running, instead I've weakened myself a little. This is my biggest problem, and weakness, and the time is coming soon to find a way of dealing with this and stop the drinking. I don't yet know what or how, and I'll take any advice, but I need to can the bottle now. I've had enough of this shit, this self destruction that ruins everything else in my life including my running progress. I know if it weren't for the drinking I'd be much faster and fitter by now, that sub 2 hour wouldn't just be a possibility, it would be happening consistently at the 21km races by now. I'd be as fast or faster than Colin. This knowledge depresses me, and what do I do when I'm feeling down - I drink some more. I am deeply ashamed of this addiction to booze, but maybe being open about it, in a way shaming myself, will contribute towards making the psychological changes that will get me off of that poison! I need to! I want to! I just don't know how to stop!
I'm seriously gatvol of feeling hungover all the time!
So anyway, this last weekend was indeed a good one on the road. On Saturday I did the Ravensmeade 15km in a time of 1h 35m, did that one with Adriana (1h 30m). The pic below is with a fellow club member, Duncan. We're part of West Coast Athletic Club. And a pic of the medal.
Then on Monday's public holiday I did the Top Form 10km with Adriana, Marius & Colin. First time in ages the whole gang has run together, even though we all finish apart. At least I beat Adriana this time! LOL.
In other news, my Tammy is away this week spending some time with her grandparent. Since Sunday with my dad in Witsand, this morning she went to my mom in Somerset West. I'll fetch her on Saturday after the race, and I can't wait because I'm missing that kid like crazy!
Back to work for the last 3 hours of the day, and week, then we're off for a much needed 4 day weekend! As weekends should be!
Have a great Easter y'all!
Thursday, 17 March 2016
Daily Routines and side stories
Hello internet and the people who lurk behind it,
Seeing as I'm now on a daily basis baring all details of my life to you on this blog, I figured I may as well bore you with a breakdown of my boring daily weekday routine. It's boring as hell ('cos imagine
how boring hell must be, just burning and screaming in a fiery cave forever), so if this bores you then just go play on Facebook or something less boring, but documenting my boring life gives me something to think about for the duration of this script, thus breaking the bore briefly. Because for me boring is hell, I simply cannot just do monotonous, or worse, nothing, for any length of time!
But anyway, on to the exciting stuff...
My day starts at 04h40 when my pre-alarm goes off. Yes I'm one of those freaks who sets the alarm considerably earlier than necessary because firstly it breaks me out of a deep sleep, if it's one of those good nights when I'm in a deep sleep, but more importantly one of my favourite things is being able to fall asleep again even just for a few minutes. The snooze cycle repeats twice... twice I get to roll over into another blissful doze before reluctantly forcing my brain to drag my sorry ass out of bed.
Most days lately I don't sleep well from about the early hours, either because my mind is active and dreaming of all kinds of weirdness, or Wife is snoring like a bulldozer, or Daughter comes running and jumps into the bed when she goes to the toilet and gets frightened by the flush, and proceeds to push the blankets off or practice her ninja moves on me in her sleep.
At 06h00, at the third gentle melody of my alarm I get up, go do my ablutions, shower, then come back into the room 15 minutes later and wake Wife and get dressed.
Being the good man I am I let her sleep in peace for a whole long wonderful 15 minutes!
From that moment until we leave for work I have no idea what Wife is doing because I don't see her again until just before we leave at 06h00. In that time I make breakfast, either one of my incredibly deliciously awesome smoothies for the family, often including extra to take to work for lunch, or I make toast. My favourite toast bread is that Sasko honey & oats low-GI dumpy loaves, double toasted (makes the nicest airy crispy hot toast, the butter seeps right through it!!! Toast has either peanut butter, or my absolute favourite toast topping of Bovril and mayo, or one of each. Sometimes the mayo is swapped for cream cheese or cheddar cheese, but there's always Bovril. It's one of my weaknesses in life, I just love it. Back when I used to poison myself with two-minute-noodles I usually blopped in a dollop of Bovril and mayo, the rich noodle soup it makes is divine!
Besides breakfast, I also make lunch, often for Wife and I, be it a sandwich, or during the healthy phases (like we're starting now) a salad. Today we had leftover chicken stir fry made last night by Wife. No noodles, just veg, breasts (the chickens, not Wife's) and sauce, mine with extra chilli sauce of course, some of my last batch of Habanero sauce.
Then I clean up, wash dishes, take out the trash on bin days, open windows, switch off outside lights, check my Facebook and Whatsapps, and do whatever else is necessary to get ready to leave at 06h00. This is why for me it's always a rush to get done on time so if we leave late through no fault of my own (like an exploding blender full of smoothie) I get annoyed.
We used to aim to leave at 06h15 but lately with the increasing traffic out of our area congesting earlier and earlier I was coming in to work late more often, and I hate the humiliation of getting to work late. Leaving home 15 minutes earlier at 6 cuts off almost an hour from our travel time these days, on a normal day.
So at this point we hit the road for an hour or more of my absolute pet hate in life - traffic! Apart from the infuriating frustration of just having to sit in sloooow traffic, not able to do anything besides look at the ugly vehicle in front of me, listening to the radio or Wife waffling or moaning about something; the sheer volume of arrogant pricks, complete idiots and selfish, lawless reckless dickheads on our roads, making mine and the rest of the schmucks who politely wait our turn and obey the rules a nightmare. Having to helplessly watch people jump queue's, cut in, jump lights and generally show complete disregard to other motorists and blatant lack of manners, class or culture. As each journey through the nightmare continues my blood boils hotter and hotter to the point that I end up throwing tantrums and obscene hand gestures at the worst offenders personally inconveniencing me. I do get bouts of road rage, unfortunately poor old Wife bears the brunt of my anger as she has to put up with my bitching and foul language! Going to work in the mornings isn't so bad because we miss the worst of it, but travelling home in that shit after a long kak day at work just gets me in a bad mood! I hate hate hate the traffic and the moronic fucktards on the roads around here!
Deep breath, apologies for the rant. That is what just the thought of my journey home inspires - anger!
{jump a day in writing this)
Actually, I will go on to reiterate that my journey to work and back is the worst part of my life, I hate it more that I can express! It's a complete waste of precious time! I believe it is a time when Wife feels that she has me cornered in that uncomfortable claustrophobic little box on wheels and I'm often convinced it is her mission to make every journey a miserable one, she manages to upset me most of the time usually at the beginning of that hellish journey, which on days like this morning puts me in a seriously foul mood, especially when we are already running late so the stress of walking into work late and the massively increased traffic volumes actually ruins my day. I never start a day in a bad mood, in fact I'm actually quite a cheerful guy from the onset, but that gets changed for me and right now as I sit at my desk, embarrassed from having to walk in late and run the gauntlet past all the offices of work colleagues looking at me with that look in their faces of "look who's late again", I'm actually bloody miserable! That is why the tone of this blog has gone to shit, I just started this paragraph on a new morning because I was too busy to complete it yesterday when it started!
Another downside of being stuck in traffic, especially when I'm irritated or angry, one of those little things which I've always hated myself for, is nail biting. I bite my nails when I'm anxious or bored, most of the time I don't even realise I'm doing it until I hurt myself. This is not something I'm proud of, in fact I hate it and I wish it could stop. Sometimes it does, like during holidays or periods where I have some happiness hogging my mind, but the rest of the time I have this personal battle with one of the most revolting and embarrassing habits I've ever had. When I speak to people, like the parent teacher meeting on Wednesday, I consciously hide my hands or curl my fingers in to hide the shame. 99% of my nail biting happens when I'm stuck in traffic, trapped in that kak-box called the Atos, bored shitless, furious and pumped with hostile adrenaline at some other near miss by another retarded idiot on the road, or fuming and stewing after another attack from Wife with great effort to keep my mouth shut and my angry thoughts to myself. As countless scenarios, mental discussions (and arguments) and thoughts go through my mind I'll eventually realise I'm biting again. All it does is infuriate me further, it's not good for my mojo at all! I keep thinking I need to get that bitter enamel to paint on my fingers in the morning to try and discourage my idiot subconscious from chomping.
Ok, now I will breathe deep, gather my composure, cheer the funk up and chill the duck out. The original topic of this (now two day) blog about the daily routine can continue. We haven't even made it to work yet and it's already one of my longest stories ever. If anybody has even read this far in, I applaud you as a true friend and a legend! That or you just have a morbid fascination with the psychotic crap that comes out of my head!
Just while it's still early, going back to breakfast... my last blender died yesterday. The base of the jug cracked. Apparently you can't replace just that weak part, so I tried fixing it with duct tape, which didn't work. So it's joined the small appliance graveyard, on top of the scullery cupboard. Last night I raped my Game card with a new fancy heavy duty Russel Hobbs blender which got tested out on this mornings banana & mango smoothie and it works like a bomb! And it doesn't mess when pouring like the last cheapie. I almost look forward to using it again, almost as much as I look forward to my tea time smoothie (lunch today is salad. Yes, actual salad, with leaves & stuff!)
Yesterday at Game I realised I can buy my booze on my Game account. Probably not a good discovery, and the resulting mild hangover is not helping my mood today either.
Those of you who have known me for a while know about my battle with alcohol. It still controls and dictates much of my life. Yes I do want to give it up, every single day, and I don't understand why I can't. It's the most powerful (and destructive) addiction I've ever known by far. Giving up smoking, twice, was easy compared to the hold the booze has over me. I'm not going to make this blog into a whine about my alcoholism, like a previous one I had a few years ago. I thought that talking (well writing) about it might help, or may even have attracted some outside help, neither of which happened. I've realised there is no practical help around for this problem, the only thing that will stop it is myself, if I ever manage to garner the willpower to do so. Alcoholism is a very very lonely and sad place. I don't want it, I know I will be a better and happier person without it, and as I sit here writing this the idea of not drinking again sounds easy and excites me, but by this afternoon I know I'll be craving a drink again and the awful journey home in that nightmare traffic and the crap-outs/insults/lectures/etc from Wife will only push that craving to drink to a decision to drink, developing an actual excitement for that first swig of whiskey from the bottle which will render another evening wasted and another painful day tomorrow. I don't understand this, I don't know why this happens, it just does, and I hate myself for it!
That is all I will say on the matter.
So anyway, my day job starts at 07h30 officially. Traffic and morning routine dependent I like to be in the office by 7am or earlier. When traffic and morning routine works against me like this morning then I get here after 07h30 and as you read earlier that just pours petrol on the fire of my already bad mood!
My day job:
My official job title is Technical Manager, I work at a company called Pepkor Installations. We procure, manufacture and import equipment to do shopfitting for Pep stores, Ackermans, Dunns, Shoe City, John Craig, Jay Jays and some other brands. My department deals with Pep, a bigger contract than all the others combined It's a massive operation, we basically take an empty property and fit it out with everything from flooring & electrical, to stands, displays, shelving, till points, office, fitting rooms, store rooms, etc, everything you see in a store before it is staffed and merchandised.
My job involves heading up a department that receives the store design plans from Pep, which we convert into a bill of quantities of everything required to fit a new or revamped store, quantified down to the crews, nuts & bolts. We issue this BoQ to our warehouse which then fills a truck with the listed equipment which we send with a team of shopfitters to fit the store and get it ready to be merchandised and trade.
It's an interesting job, at times, though can be rather dull quite often too. Part of my role is preparing all documentation required for invoicing, that's the most boring part. Most months, for Pep alone, we are putting in 30 plus new stores a month across Africa, so it's a very busy operation that turns over many millions monthly.
I only wish the pay was a tad more reasonable. I really struggle to get by on this salary. But as an ageing white male in South Africa, jobs are far and few between so I'm not going to complain or make demands. White people get fired for protesting or striking in this country, unlike our black countrymen who can strike, riot and destroy & burn everything in sight in their quest to make demands for pay raises or free services (which the rest of "us" pay for) and usually they get their way. I'd be fired instantly and probably locked up for trying the same thing. Yet as the white guy I'm last in line for a job due to demographics and politics, and still I'm persecuted and threatened because I'm white and still get called a racist just for being white! This is how it works in South Africa these days. It's unfair and unjust, but there's nothing we can do about it, nor do we have the means to leave this hell hole, so we just shut up and do the jobs we're fortunate to have without bitching about it!
Well there you have my job in a nutshell. I won't bore you with the details of what I do all day, except I get a whopping half hour lunch break at 12h30, which really flies by, most of which is taken up by wolfing down my lunch while catching up with my Facebook, personal emails and other internet stuff. Except that has changed somewhat, since we have recently been blocked from accessing Facebook at work. It was unannounced, it just happened. Like the nanny state type of mind control that corporate businesses institute over their employees. I thought we were better than that, but apparently these guys also don't want people to have any acknowledgement of lives outside of work during working hours. So I'm now bound to my phone for Facebook, which is not ideal, it costs a fair bit of money in data, but it is what it is, so again, no use in complaining. Just shut up and swallow.
My working day finishes at 16h15 Monday to Thursday and at 15h00 of Fridays. That Friday early finish is great, when that hooter goes at 15h00 this place is deserted in seconds.If you walk out here at 15h01 you're the last one out by a minute!
The evening routine can obviously be more varied. I often go to the gym, or go for a run with the club and occasionally a midweek race. I don't often just go and run around our neighbourhood because I don't feel safe alone on the roads. Also, the greenbelts all over (thus the area name of Parklands) are not looked after so running on the footpaths are like trail running without the scenery and hills. The area is deadpan flat too. It's just boring running in the area, I prefer doing some hill training on the treadmill at the gym and getting a decent strength workout afterwards.
When I used to have a band going I'd go to band practice one or two evenings a week too. But the band doesn't happen anymore because of a dispute about the living arrangements between the bassist and singer, resulting in the bassist who owns all the PA gear having to move out of the band rehearsal house, so the singers dog has a nice home. All a disappointing mess, but hopefully something new will come along soon. Then I'll have a band to practice with again! The bassist is busy setting up at a new place in Durbanville so possibly the 3 guys from the last band will get a new project going soon at the new place. That will be cool, they're great guys to play with. Except that Durbanville is a bit far out of my way, which means more travel time and expense.
Otherwise in the evenings we'll sometimes stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy small amounts of absolutely necessary groceries. Food especially is so ridiculously expensive these days that one simply can't buy more than is absolutely necessary. Especially meats and fresh fruits & vegetables cost far too much to be able to eat proper healthy food all the time. Healthy eating guidelines suggest at least 5 portions of fruit & veg a day, if I get one I'm doing well! Though my smoothies do count for at least 3 on days when I make them.
I used to do most of the cooking at home but lately I just don't really feel like it much anymore. Not being able to afford all the ingredients to try out interesting hearty meals puts me off. Lately when I cook it's something like a pot of pasta that can provide dinner for at least 2 days and a couple of lunches at work for a few days. Don't get me wrong, my pasta's are fantastic, and they're easy and economical. Every now and then, especially just after pay day I'll get my cook on and whip up a good meal that the family seems to enjoy. I should actually get the cooking vibe going again and work on making some decent interesting dinners like I used to do.
This blog used to be called the Daily Noodle because for a long time I would often experiment with making interesting and delicious foods, it was enough to talk about frequently on its own blog, with pictures and descriptions. I don't know why I don't anymore, in fact these days in the evenings I don't feel excited to do anything interesting at home and I'm usually in bed by 9pm like an old fart. No that's got to change, I'm not that old, I'm still a thirty something, albeit only for two more months. I need to get back to being creative in the kitchen in the evenings.
That said, when the salary ship comes in again this month I will go and buy a load of stock of chillies and ingredients and get into making my sauces. Every now and then I'll put together a new recipe and spend an evening trying it and refining it until it's something awesome, or my tongue is dead from too much chilli and I can't taste what I'm making anymore. But that exercise will be fun. On a successful night I'll end up with another stock of a new product which I'll bottle, cost and market on my Facebook page, website or wherever I'll be selling them at the time. I've been doing the research and coming up with all kinds of interesting ideas for sauces, I will have an interesting range of products. The challenge will be marketing them and selling them in enough quantities to make the whole thing financially worthwhile.
Hey, this blog post wasn't meant to be about my semi-secret business ideas, but I doubt anybody has read this far so I'm not too worried. This is going to be a helluva entry to proof read when (if) it's ever finished! Or I might just carry on writing and writing and nobody will ever read this because it will be a permanent work in progress... or I will finish soon and get back to doing the job I'm paid to do (more likely scenario).
These business ideas I get really do get me excited. This chilli sauce thing I can't wait to get going on when I have some cash again to purchase the required stock, bottles, etc. I hope it takes off and people buy my stuff, and this idea doesn't just fade into obscurity having never taken off like my last great idea of importing technology from China. That was a big project, one that I spent many hours working on, I spent a fair bit of money on it, set up the Shopify website and Facebook page,, paid a graphic designer for the logo, sourced suppliers, set up the business bank account and got my business licence, etc, but it fell apart because of money, mainly. I was working on setting it up as a drop-shipping business to start off, ie. a customer would purchase something off my website. I would then purchase the item from the supplier in China who would then ship the product directly to my customer as if I'd sent it. In simplistic theory it's a great idea and one that's commonly used in civilised countries, especially the USA, but it turns out not very practical for me. Firstly it's a big risk for me from various angles. If the item gets lost or broken in the post or the supplier just takes my money and doesn't send anything, the loss is mine to bear. If the customer returns the product the shipping costs are mine. Also, customs taxes, when payable, are mine to pay. Then there's the issue of the ridiculously weak rand value against the dollar, buying things from China these days, albeit dirt cheap in world terms is still very expensive from here, so in order to make any profit I'd need to sell the products for a high price. I thank our shit-for-brains president Zuma for that hindrance to build a business! The other problem is the poor service in our postal service. When tracking the items I did purchase from the various suppliers in Hong Kong, Shenzen, etc overseas I could see that it takes between 1 and 3 days to reach the international sorting centre in Johannesburg. From there it's taken between 4 and 9 weeks to get to me in Cape Town. That's how long it takes them to sort, customs clear and distribute incoming international mail. It's quicker to order stuff by sea-freight. So obviously that poses a problem for drop-shipped orders, my customers will wait up to two months for their order, which can only be bad for business.
Ideally the best solution would be to buy in bulk, get the stuff shipped to me where I'll keep the stock and distribute directly to my customers per order. The shipping is much much cheaper than airfreight and the stock is cheaper to buy in bulk. The problem is I don't have the money to buy stock in bulk from overseas, and take the risks associated.
All that being said, this business idea is not dead, it's just sidelined for now. When my circumstances improve, maybe my chilli sauce business takes off and brings in some decent cash then I'll put some moola into this business (called Tamzel Gadgets) and get it going, even with just a few items and built it up on it's own steam until I'm running it out of a warehouse.
The idea started with importing Android based TV boxes and mini PC's for the purpose of turning people's regular TV's into smart TV's capable of streaming content from the internet like Netflix, or other home networked devices.
Like every other restriction in my life it comes down to money money money. Like they say, you need money to make money. Somehow I need to find ways of working around that.
One thing I do know is I need to get my own business(es) set up and going soon. I can't do this daily grind in traffic that's going to be the death of me to a menial unappreciated un-stimulating job working for a boss (well a whole lot of them) for a set meager salary that goes up each year by a lot less than inflation, in the process building up a bigger and bigger debt profile, for the rest of my working years. Because if that happens, and some day I retire from a job at a company with a small pension, having worked my ass off my entire life to help other people get rich, then this life will have been meaningless and wasted. I don't want to come to that realization someday when it's too late; so somehow I need to find a way of working for myself and earning my own money, and someday employ other people who's jobs contribute to my own family's wealth and survival. It would be nice to be reasonably rich someday, but I'll be happy with a comfortable debt-free life ending in a retirement where money will not be a worry!
This is the dream!
This has been a week of records for me, on Sunday I ran the furthest I've ever run in one session, and this is probably the longest blog post I've ever written!
But it's now time to end this stupidly long blog with a picture of my lunch; salad for a change:
Seeing as I'm now on a daily basis baring all details of my life to you on this blog, I figured I may as well bore you with a breakdown of my boring daily weekday routine. It's boring as hell ('cos imagine
how boring hell must be, just burning and screaming in a fiery cave forever), so if this bores you then just go play on Facebook or something less boring, but documenting my boring life gives me something to think about for the duration of this script, thus breaking the bore briefly. Because for me boring is hell, I simply cannot just do monotonous, or worse, nothing, for any length of time!
But anyway, on to the exciting stuff...
My day starts at 04h40 when my pre-alarm goes off. Yes I'm one of those freaks who sets the alarm considerably earlier than necessary because firstly it breaks me out of a deep sleep, if it's one of those good nights when I'm in a deep sleep, but more importantly one of my favourite things is being able to fall asleep again even just for a few minutes. The snooze cycle repeats twice... twice I get to roll over into another blissful doze before reluctantly forcing my brain to drag my sorry ass out of bed.
Most days lately I don't sleep well from about the early hours, either because my mind is active and dreaming of all kinds of weirdness, or Wife is snoring like a bulldozer, or Daughter comes running and jumps into the bed when she goes to the toilet and gets frightened by the flush, and proceeds to push the blankets off or practice her ninja moves on me in her sleep.
At 06h00, at the third gentle melody of my alarm I get up, go do my ablutions, shower, then come back into the room 15 minutes later and wake Wife and get dressed.
Being the good man I am I let her sleep in peace for a whole long wonderful 15 minutes!
From that moment until we leave for work I have no idea what Wife is doing because I don't see her again until just before we leave at 06h00. In that time I make breakfast, either one of my incredibly deliciously awesome smoothies for the family, often including extra to take to work for lunch, or I make toast. My favourite toast bread is that Sasko honey & oats low-GI dumpy loaves, double toasted (makes the nicest airy crispy hot toast, the butter seeps right through it!!! Toast has either peanut butter, or my absolute favourite toast topping of Bovril and mayo, or one of each. Sometimes the mayo is swapped for cream cheese or cheddar cheese, but there's always Bovril. It's one of my weaknesses in life, I just love it. Back when I used to poison myself with two-minute-noodles I usually blopped in a dollop of Bovril and mayo, the rich noodle soup it makes is divine!
Besides breakfast, I also make lunch, often for Wife and I, be it a sandwich, or during the healthy phases (like we're starting now) a salad. Today we had leftover chicken stir fry made last night by Wife. No noodles, just veg, breasts (the chickens, not Wife's) and sauce, mine with extra chilli sauce of course, some of my last batch of Habanero sauce.
Then I clean up, wash dishes, take out the trash on bin days, open windows, switch off outside lights, check my Facebook and Whatsapps, and do whatever else is necessary to get ready to leave at 06h00. This is why for me it's always a rush to get done on time so if we leave late through no fault of my own (like an exploding blender full of smoothie) I get annoyed.
We used to aim to leave at 06h15 but lately with the increasing traffic out of our area congesting earlier and earlier I was coming in to work late more often, and I hate the humiliation of getting to work late. Leaving home 15 minutes earlier at 6 cuts off almost an hour from our travel time these days, on a normal day.
So at this point we hit the road for an hour or more of my absolute pet hate in life - traffic! Apart from the infuriating frustration of just having to sit in sloooow traffic, not able to do anything besides look at the ugly vehicle in front of me, listening to the radio or Wife waffling or moaning about something; the sheer volume of arrogant pricks, complete idiots and selfish, lawless reckless dickheads on our roads, making mine and the rest of the schmucks who politely wait our turn and obey the rules a nightmare. Having to helplessly watch people jump queue's, cut in, jump lights and generally show complete disregard to other motorists and blatant lack of manners, class or culture. As each journey through the nightmare continues my blood boils hotter and hotter to the point that I end up throwing tantrums and obscene hand gestures at the worst offenders personally inconveniencing me. I do get bouts of road rage, unfortunately poor old Wife bears the brunt of my anger as she has to put up with my bitching and foul language! Going to work in the mornings isn't so bad because we miss the worst of it, but travelling home in that shit after a long kak day at work just gets me in a bad mood! I hate hate hate the traffic and the moronic fucktards on the roads around here!
Deep breath, apologies for the rant. That is what just the thought of my journey home inspires - anger!
{jump a day in writing this)
Actually, I will go on to reiterate that my journey to work and back is the worst part of my life, I hate it more that I can express! It's a complete waste of precious time! I believe it is a time when Wife feels that she has me cornered in that uncomfortable claustrophobic little box on wheels and I'm often convinced it is her mission to make every journey a miserable one, she manages to upset me most of the time usually at the beginning of that hellish journey, which on days like this morning puts me in a seriously foul mood, especially when we are already running late so the stress of walking into work late and the massively increased traffic volumes actually ruins my day. I never start a day in a bad mood, in fact I'm actually quite a cheerful guy from the onset, but that gets changed for me and right now as I sit at my desk, embarrassed from having to walk in late and run the gauntlet past all the offices of work colleagues looking at me with that look in their faces of "look who's late again", I'm actually bloody miserable! That is why the tone of this blog has gone to shit, I just started this paragraph on a new morning because I was too busy to complete it yesterday when it started!
Another downside of being stuck in traffic, especially when I'm irritated or angry, one of those little things which I've always hated myself for, is nail biting. I bite my nails when I'm anxious or bored, most of the time I don't even realise I'm doing it until I hurt myself. This is not something I'm proud of, in fact I hate it and I wish it could stop. Sometimes it does, like during holidays or periods where I have some happiness hogging my mind, but the rest of the time I have this personal battle with one of the most revolting and embarrassing habits I've ever had. When I speak to people, like the parent teacher meeting on Wednesday, I consciously hide my hands or curl my fingers in to hide the shame. 99% of my nail biting happens when I'm stuck in traffic, trapped in that kak-box called the Atos, bored shitless, furious and pumped with hostile adrenaline at some other near miss by another retarded idiot on the road, or fuming and stewing after another attack from Wife with great effort to keep my mouth shut and my angry thoughts to myself. As countless scenarios, mental discussions (and arguments) and thoughts go through my mind I'll eventually realise I'm biting again. All it does is infuriate me further, it's not good for my mojo at all! I keep thinking I need to get that bitter enamel to paint on my fingers in the morning to try and discourage my idiot subconscious from chomping.
Ok, now I will breathe deep, gather my composure, cheer the funk up and chill the duck out. The original topic of this (now two day) blog about the daily routine can continue. We haven't even made it to work yet and it's already one of my longest stories ever. If anybody has even read this far in, I applaud you as a true friend and a legend! That or you just have a morbid fascination with the psychotic crap that comes out of my head!
Just while it's still early, going back to breakfast... my last blender died yesterday. The base of the jug cracked. Apparently you can't replace just that weak part, so I tried fixing it with duct tape, which didn't work. So it's joined the small appliance graveyard, on top of the scullery cupboard. Last night I raped my Game card with a new fancy heavy duty Russel Hobbs blender which got tested out on this mornings banana & mango smoothie and it works like a bomb! And it doesn't mess when pouring like the last cheapie. I almost look forward to using it again, almost as much as I look forward to my tea time smoothie (lunch today is salad. Yes, actual salad, with leaves & stuff!)
Yesterday at Game I realised I can buy my booze on my Game account. Probably not a good discovery, and the resulting mild hangover is not helping my mood today either.
Those of you who have known me for a while know about my battle with alcohol. It still controls and dictates much of my life. Yes I do want to give it up, every single day, and I don't understand why I can't. It's the most powerful (and destructive) addiction I've ever known by far. Giving up smoking, twice, was easy compared to the hold the booze has over me. I'm not going to make this blog into a whine about my alcoholism, like a previous one I had a few years ago. I thought that talking (well writing) about it might help, or may even have attracted some outside help, neither of which happened. I've realised there is no practical help around for this problem, the only thing that will stop it is myself, if I ever manage to garner the willpower to do so. Alcoholism is a very very lonely and sad place. I don't want it, I know I will be a better and happier person without it, and as I sit here writing this the idea of not drinking again sounds easy and excites me, but by this afternoon I know I'll be craving a drink again and the awful journey home in that nightmare traffic and the crap-outs/insults/lectures/etc from Wife will only push that craving to drink to a decision to drink, developing an actual excitement for that first swig of whiskey from the bottle which will render another evening wasted and another painful day tomorrow. I don't understand this, I don't know why this happens, it just does, and I hate myself for it!
That is all I will say on the matter.
So anyway, my day job starts at 07h30 officially. Traffic and morning routine dependent I like to be in the office by 7am or earlier. When traffic and morning routine works against me like this morning then I get here after 07h30 and as you read earlier that just pours petrol on the fire of my already bad mood!
My day job:
My official job title is Technical Manager, I work at a company called Pepkor Installations. We procure, manufacture and import equipment to do shopfitting for Pep stores, Ackermans, Dunns, Shoe City, John Craig, Jay Jays and some other brands. My department deals with Pep, a bigger contract than all the others combined It's a massive operation, we basically take an empty property and fit it out with everything from flooring & electrical, to stands, displays, shelving, till points, office, fitting rooms, store rooms, etc, everything you see in a store before it is staffed and merchandised.
My job involves heading up a department that receives the store design plans from Pep, which we convert into a bill of quantities of everything required to fit a new or revamped store, quantified down to the crews, nuts & bolts. We issue this BoQ to our warehouse which then fills a truck with the listed equipment which we send with a team of shopfitters to fit the store and get it ready to be merchandised and trade.
It's an interesting job, at times, though can be rather dull quite often too. Part of my role is preparing all documentation required for invoicing, that's the most boring part. Most months, for Pep alone, we are putting in 30 plus new stores a month across Africa, so it's a very busy operation that turns over many millions monthly.
I only wish the pay was a tad more reasonable. I really struggle to get by on this salary. But as an ageing white male in South Africa, jobs are far and few between so I'm not going to complain or make demands. White people get fired for protesting or striking in this country, unlike our black countrymen who can strike, riot and destroy & burn everything in sight in their quest to make demands for pay raises or free services (which the rest of "us" pay for) and usually they get their way. I'd be fired instantly and probably locked up for trying the same thing. Yet as the white guy I'm last in line for a job due to demographics and politics, and still I'm persecuted and threatened because I'm white and still get called a racist just for being white! This is how it works in South Africa these days. It's unfair and unjust, but there's nothing we can do about it, nor do we have the means to leave this hell hole, so we just shut up and do the jobs we're fortunate to have without bitching about it!
Well there you have my job in a nutshell. I won't bore you with the details of what I do all day, except I get a whopping half hour lunch break at 12h30, which really flies by, most of which is taken up by wolfing down my lunch while catching up with my Facebook, personal emails and other internet stuff. Except that has changed somewhat, since we have recently been blocked from accessing Facebook at work. It was unannounced, it just happened. Like the nanny state type of mind control that corporate businesses institute over their employees. I thought we were better than that, but apparently these guys also don't want people to have any acknowledgement of lives outside of work during working hours. So I'm now bound to my phone for Facebook, which is not ideal, it costs a fair bit of money in data, but it is what it is, so again, no use in complaining. Just shut up and swallow.
My working day finishes at 16h15 Monday to Thursday and at 15h00 of Fridays. That Friday early finish is great, when that hooter goes at 15h00 this place is deserted in seconds.If you walk out here at 15h01 you're the last one out by a minute!
The evening routine can obviously be more varied. I often go to the gym, or go for a run with the club and occasionally a midweek race. I don't often just go and run around our neighbourhood because I don't feel safe alone on the roads. Also, the greenbelts all over (thus the area name of Parklands) are not looked after so running on the footpaths are like trail running without the scenery and hills. The area is deadpan flat too. It's just boring running in the area, I prefer doing some hill training on the treadmill at the gym and getting a decent strength workout afterwards.
When I used to have a band going I'd go to band practice one or two evenings a week too. But the band doesn't happen anymore because of a dispute about the living arrangements between the bassist and singer, resulting in the bassist who owns all the PA gear having to move out of the band rehearsal house, so the singers dog has a nice home. All a disappointing mess, but hopefully something new will come along soon. Then I'll have a band to practice with again! The bassist is busy setting up at a new place in Durbanville so possibly the 3 guys from the last band will get a new project going soon at the new place. That will be cool, they're great guys to play with. Except that Durbanville is a bit far out of my way, which means more travel time and expense.
Otherwise in the evenings we'll sometimes stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy small amounts of absolutely necessary groceries. Food especially is so ridiculously expensive these days that one simply can't buy more than is absolutely necessary. Especially meats and fresh fruits & vegetables cost far too much to be able to eat proper healthy food all the time. Healthy eating guidelines suggest at least 5 portions of fruit & veg a day, if I get one I'm doing well! Though my smoothies do count for at least 3 on days when I make them.
I used to do most of the cooking at home but lately I just don't really feel like it much anymore. Not being able to afford all the ingredients to try out interesting hearty meals puts me off. Lately when I cook it's something like a pot of pasta that can provide dinner for at least 2 days and a couple of lunches at work for a few days. Don't get me wrong, my pasta's are fantastic, and they're easy and economical. Every now and then, especially just after pay day I'll get my cook on and whip up a good meal that the family seems to enjoy. I should actually get the cooking vibe going again and work on making some decent interesting dinners like I used to do.
This blog used to be called the Daily Noodle because for a long time I would often experiment with making interesting and delicious foods, it was enough to talk about frequently on its own blog, with pictures and descriptions. I don't know why I don't anymore, in fact these days in the evenings I don't feel excited to do anything interesting at home and I'm usually in bed by 9pm like an old fart. No that's got to change, I'm not that old, I'm still a thirty something, albeit only for two more months. I need to get back to being creative in the kitchen in the evenings.
That said, when the salary ship comes in again this month I will go and buy a load of stock of chillies and ingredients and get into making my sauces. Every now and then I'll put together a new recipe and spend an evening trying it and refining it until it's something awesome, or my tongue is dead from too much chilli and I can't taste what I'm making anymore. But that exercise will be fun. On a successful night I'll end up with another stock of a new product which I'll bottle, cost and market on my Facebook page, website or wherever I'll be selling them at the time. I've been doing the research and coming up with all kinds of interesting ideas for sauces, I will have an interesting range of products. The challenge will be marketing them and selling them in enough quantities to make the whole thing financially worthwhile.
Hey, this blog post wasn't meant to be about my semi-secret business ideas, but I doubt anybody has read this far so I'm not too worried. This is going to be a helluva entry to proof read when (if) it's ever finished! Or I might just carry on writing and writing and nobody will ever read this because it will be a permanent work in progress... or I will finish soon and get back to doing the job I'm paid to do (more likely scenario).
These business ideas I get really do get me excited. This chilli sauce thing I can't wait to get going on when I have some cash again to purchase the required stock, bottles, etc. I hope it takes off and people buy my stuff, and this idea doesn't just fade into obscurity having never taken off like my last great idea of importing technology from China. That was a big project, one that I spent many hours working on, I spent a fair bit of money on it, set up the Shopify website and Facebook page,, paid a graphic designer for the logo, sourced suppliers, set up the business bank account and got my business licence, etc, but it fell apart because of money, mainly. I was working on setting it up as a drop-shipping business to start off, ie. a customer would purchase something off my website. I would then purchase the item from the supplier in China who would then ship the product directly to my customer as if I'd sent it. In simplistic theory it's a great idea and one that's commonly used in civilised countries, especially the USA, but it turns out not very practical for me. Firstly it's a big risk for me from various angles. If the item gets lost or broken in the post or the supplier just takes my money and doesn't send anything, the loss is mine to bear. If the customer returns the product the shipping costs are mine. Also, customs taxes, when payable, are mine to pay. Then there's the issue of the ridiculously weak rand value against the dollar, buying things from China these days, albeit dirt cheap in world terms is still very expensive from here, so in order to make any profit I'd need to sell the products for a high price. I thank our shit-for-brains president Zuma for that hindrance to build a business! The other problem is the poor service in our postal service. When tracking the items I did purchase from the various suppliers in Hong Kong, Shenzen, etc overseas I could see that it takes between 1 and 3 days to reach the international sorting centre in Johannesburg. From there it's taken between 4 and 9 weeks to get to me in Cape Town. That's how long it takes them to sort, customs clear and distribute incoming international mail. It's quicker to order stuff by sea-freight. So obviously that poses a problem for drop-shipped orders, my customers will wait up to two months for their order, which can only be bad for business.
Ideally the best solution would be to buy in bulk, get the stuff shipped to me where I'll keep the stock and distribute directly to my customers per order. The shipping is much much cheaper than airfreight and the stock is cheaper to buy in bulk. The problem is I don't have the money to buy stock in bulk from overseas, and take the risks associated.
All that being said, this business idea is not dead, it's just sidelined for now. When my circumstances improve, maybe my chilli sauce business takes off and brings in some decent cash then I'll put some moola into this business (called Tamzel Gadgets) and get it going, even with just a few items and built it up on it's own steam until I'm running it out of a warehouse.
The idea started with importing Android based TV boxes and mini PC's for the purpose of turning people's regular TV's into smart TV's capable of streaming content from the internet like Netflix, or other home networked devices.
Like every other restriction in my life it comes down to money money money. Like they say, you need money to make money. Somehow I need to find ways of working around that.
One thing I do know is I need to get my own business(es) set up and going soon. I can't do this daily grind in traffic that's going to be the death of me to a menial unappreciated un-stimulating job working for a boss (well a whole lot of them) for a set meager salary that goes up each year by a lot less than inflation, in the process building up a bigger and bigger debt profile, for the rest of my working years. Because if that happens, and some day I retire from a job at a company with a small pension, having worked my ass off my entire life to help other people get rich, then this life will have been meaningless and wasted. I don't want to come to that realization someday when it's too late; so somehow I need to find a way of working for myself and earning my own money, and someday employ other people who's jobs contribute to my own family's wealth and survival. It would be nice to be reasonably rich someday, but I'll be happy with a comfortable debt-free life ending in a retirement where money will not be a worry!
This is the dream!
This has been a week of records for me, on Sunday I ran the furthest I've ever run in one session, and this is probably the longest blog post I've ever written!
But it's now time to end this stupidly long blog with a picture of my lunch; salad for a change:
Have a nice day folks!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)