Mission - Day 2

So this weekend I've spent a bit of time thinking about my ongoing battle with the bottle. On Friday night again I got shitfaced at home, polishing off most of a bottle of whiskey, which as usual rendered me useless with a hangover for most of Saturday. An all too common recurring story in my life!

For anybody following my blog you'll have noticed lately I'm going through one of my more vigorous phases of desperately wanting to give up the booze, mostly because lately I've been drinking particularly more. Albeit these revelations to quit are mostly more bark and no bite, nothing ever changes, I'm thinking this time it's time to actually put some action into the happening instead of just bitching about it on here on the Daily Drumroll and by this afternoon losing all my resolve and getting wasted again tonight after work and again every other evening for the rest of the week.

I've truly had enough of that self destruction now! (Again!)

I'm still considering joining the AA meetings again on Tuesday evenings, maybe in some way that will help, if nothing else to change my reaction to the usual triggers that get my easily manipulated sub-conscience convinced to drink another session (boredom at home, frustration, angry & bitchy wife, anger and hatred at myself and my own inadequacies, etc), though thinking about it in the car this morning while wife went on again for an hour about other people who I don't know and their life's problems while bottling in all I wish I could say, I was thinking that maybe going to speak to a professional, a shrink of some sort, might not be a bad idea. It might provide some insight from a different perspective and may go towards changing my own stubborn mentality. I don't know. I don't know if that would help, and I certainly can't afford that sort of expense right now so like so many other grand ideas that I come up with it will likely just hit the dead end wall of financial restrictions, and fade away into the depths of the pages of this blog.

Maybe somebody at the AA can provide an alternative to professional therapy! Or maybe after a session or two at the AA like last time I'll scrap that idea due to being just an invisible outsider once more, or it will be like a church & prayer service. I'll rather go to church on a Sunday for religious inspiration than an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.

Or am I being stubborn and selfish in branding them as useless to me before giving them a chance, based on one insecure experience?

Anyway, the point of all this is that sometime soon this pity-party of constantly feeling sorry for myself because of alcohol needs to come to an end and soon so that I can prolong what's left of my time in the world with some form of pride and dignity. That will not happen as long as the booze still has a grip on my body and mind. Nobody else cares enough to help or advise (there's that self-pity thing again) so I'm going to try do this alone. And if it works, maybe I'll document my methods and use it to inspire others in the same predicament. Alcoholism is a terribly lonely dark hole to be in, one which the rest of society (including loved ones) tends to walk around and look the other way, with only insult, condemnation, and hypocritical judgement on offer.

It's like the one rule of the AA - you only need a desire to quit drinking. I have that desire in bucketloads, but the strength and willpower to meet that desire is seriously lacking. I don't know why it's such a difficult thing to overcome and just not allow myself to walk into that bottle store in the first place, let along pour that first precious drink!

I'm waffling again and need to get back to doing my job. So here's what I'm going to do as an attempt at self motivation to not drink...

I'm going to use this blog as a daily diary about giving up drinking, counting and documenting each day off the booze.

I'm marking this as day two, being Monday now. I didn't drink yesterday or Saturday, though Saturday doesn't count because I was so hungover from Friday. So this is now day two of hopefully a new life of sobriety.

No this is not a permanent commitment to never touching alcohol again, there will be exceptions. The concept of never touching a drink again is absolutely frightening, and overwhelming. The concept is, to my mind, unfathomable Example my 40th is coming up soon and I've booked a Mexican cantina for the party, so there will no doubt be a lot of tequila. Tequila is one of my weaknesses, I won't be able to say no to that.

Besides, this might only last a few days until my mad brain moves onto some other fantastical idea. But for now the idea is fresh and strong and as I write this I have all intention of seeing it through.

So let's see what happens, and we'll talk again tomorrow...

Note: This will be an honest daily account. If I drink I will say so, and tomorrow start from Day 1 again, maybe the private humiliation will be adeterrant.