Day 23

Drank a bloody Red Bull again tonight! Awards night at the running club, I ordered a Red Bull zero sugar and was buzzing like I was tripping my rocks off afterwards. Just one! Even when I got home the wife pulled me aside and asked if I had been drinking or taking drugs because I was acting weird. No, it was just a Red Bull!

So no more of that crap, 2 hours later and I'm still sitting here wide eyed and grinning like the Cheshire Cat! But hey, where it would usually be beer & tequila, now I need to find pleasant alternatives so through trial and error, RB being an error, I'll figure out some regular options to order. I also had a Grapetizer, which is very nice, but way too much sugar so not a long term option. We need to not replace alcohol with sugary drinks, sugar is almost as much a poison to our bodies as alcohol, replacing one deadly poison with another kinda defeats the point, we may as well just do it properly and drink whiskey and Coke, or vodka and Red Bull, throw in some heart stopping caffeine just for an even higher risk of premature death!

I was a little bit worried at the club tonight, to be honest. One of the things my running club does at awards evenings, bear in mind my running club, West Coast Athletic Club, is the "drinking club with a running problem", is to dish out 'fines' in the form of shooters, usually tequila or apple sours or something in between. I have had a few in recent months, for silly things like finishing my first 50km ultra looking too strong. I was worried about getting one tonight, and having to publicly decline and then have to explain to however many nosy parkers demanded an explanation afterwards, but I was lucky, no fines for me this week. There were plenty of others though, ranging from a new pair of lovebirds being too affectionate in club photos, a guy with a bruised face from hitting the pavement, a lady who's drunk dancing was embarrassing... it's all for a laugh among the more serious awards for actual running achievements. All in all a fun evening, and I stayed sober of course. Some friends asked how it's going, they seemed impressed at my 23 days, as they sipped their wines, etc.

I must confess, I did miss the booze at times this evening, not badly, but a beer or wine would have been pleasant. Or so that addiction within was having me think about.

Nothing else really interesting happened in my day today, or since the last blog. I do apologise again for my bad mooood yesterday, it was just one of those downer moments. My tooth and ear feels better today, not such a pain, which has helped the mood improve. Also, the guy who's bought my pool table will pay me for it this week and come to collect it next weekend so I can finally clear out that room. It may require a hired trailer to cart all the crap in there to the municipal dump, and then it can take shape as a clear, comfortable corner of peace and relaxation, exercise and study. Once it is set up there will be rules, rules which will be enforced. Namely, any stuff that gets dumped in there will be considered as rubbish and transferred to the big outside bin, I don't give a crap what or who's stuff it is! The space will be for everybody to use, within the boundaries which I will set, as the man in this house I insist those rules will not be negotiable!

As for the running, it seems my lazy days are going to come to an end soon. Summer is creeping closer so the days are getting gradually longer and ever so slightly warmer. I did not run at club tonight, I simply didn't make it in time, which was the perfect "reason" to not have to run in the miserable cold windy rainy weather on the beachfront. However our club captain did announce some interesting new training programs run by external professional coaches for club members starting up soon including multi-day training sessions per week with a mix of intervals, fartleks, speed, hills, track work and long runs on weekends. This is brilliant, exactly what I need, besides my usual just going out and racking up the mileage mostly chasing medals at races! I need, rather desperately, a lot more technical and particularly speed training. I can pound out the long distances but I'm still far too slow, I need to get quicker and fitter.

I'm really excited actually, with these coached training sessions and more early morning runs as it warms up, and of course never losing training time to hangovers, my running is going to vastly improve and quite fast. New goals will be set with bigger and more difficult accomplishments reached! Eg. my fastest 10km is 52 minutes, I want to train to pull off 45 minute 10km's consistently in this year, and crack a marathon within 4 hours. My best marathon time is 4h39m in Feb this year.

At the moment it's difficult to make it to the weekday evening training sessions due to family transport responsibilities, but the wife starts a new job in September which she will catch a bus to so I'll be free to go strait from work to training, which will be awesome!

Anyway, I'm just waffling here! Good night folks, I'm off to see if I can get to sleep through the buzz of this Red Bull, might have to tape the eyelids shut and whack my head against the wall...

Day 22

News flash - so I'm going to discontinue apologizing for skipping days of writing this blog. Life is busy, shit happens, I simply don't have the time every day to sit and compose a lengthy blog (because I can't do a half-arsed effort, I've got a lot to say when I sit down and start writing), so when time permits and the creative juices are brewing then I'll unleash my thoughts into these blog posts. Please be patient, they will come.

Right now, it's 8pm, I'm at home and incredibly irritable and seriously in need of a strong drink. The irritating yabbering, mumbling, yelling and faffing around me in the house, TV on full volume, and a hell of a tooth & ear ache all compounding boredom, and pushing my anxiety to insanity. You look at me and see a face, but behind my eyes are a thousand bells, whistles, sirens, jackhammers and Roman trumpets all blaring at full force. These moments are triggers which usually drive me to drink to get drunk to dull the noise, right now not having that outlet and not quite knowing in this moment what to do is driving me considerably mad! I went to gym earlier and had a great 45 minute spinning class, sweated buckets over a fantastic workout and felt great, fantastic stress release from a busy work day and a good booze cravings buster. But then I have to go home.

There is a plan going forward, the games/entertainment room which was once my study which is now a big disgusting dump-site for all the household odds and ends, and washing, that I cannot stand even entering the room anymore because the sight of it infuriates me... the beautiful expensive pool table in there which once was the entertainment hub in the house, now just a surface for more crap to be dumped on, is in the process of being sold. Once that is out the way I'm going to insist that everything in there get cleared out and packed away or I am going to burn it. I am sick of that mess. My desk with my computer where I used to spend a lot of my time is such a mess I cannot stand sitting there anymore, and both my PC screens are stuffed. The plan is to turn it back into a tidy study and a gym room and a space to relax away for the annoying bustle around the house, so that just maybe what should be my home and solace and escape from the big bad world will once again harbour a small corner that I can escape to and relax and enjoy an hour or two of peace where I am not constantly craving a hardcore fucking drink to calm my irritated and pissed off vibe much like the one I'm engulfed in right now, resulting in this blog being a miserable bloody waste of time. Next year when I start my degree I will need the quiet space, because working here at the dining table in the centre of this noisy place I don't stand a chance of passing an exam, let alone completing any modules before giving up.

I need to take up reading again in the meantime too, methinks. It has really taken me by surprise how much free time I now have in the evenings now that my mind is now awake and alive and not anesthetized by alcohol.

I did have topics I was thinking about and mentally composing earlier in the day to make this blog interesting, but honestly I can't be arsed right now. We're allowed to have our bad moods sometimes and I'm sure the pain in my face from what is no doubt an infected tooth is really bringing on the "bear with the sore tooth" syndrome which is causing terrible ear ache and these people standing around me yelling at each other actually hurts. The fact that I cannot afford a dentist and my medical insurance is also useless means I have to just grin and bear it and hope it goes away. Some whiskey would have numbed this pain albeit temporarily, it would be heavenly right now, but since that's not an option I will just ride out this foul mood with some written bitching!

So yes, this craving and actual emotional "need" for a drink is infuriatingly strong, but do not fear, I won't crumble to defeat.

One story I will share about this last weekend, on Saturday night I went to a friends birthday party, actually the bass guitarist in my band, a 65 year old chemical scientist who looks like a combination of Gandalf and the last surviving real 60's hippie, an incredibly great guy and also an alcoholic. The two of us for years have pretty much consistently been pissed at band practice, more so at the parties. We have enormous fun rocking out backline tunes when we're pissed, much to the frustration of the rest of the band, to whom our wicked rhythms must sound well out of whack!

I knew I wasn't going to drink and really looked forward to the party as a sober reveler, and that expectation did not disappoint. The party was fun, my band did a rocking half hour set and everybody else was drinking, except me and the children. I had fun, laughed a lot, socialised with confidence to the end, and drove my family home with no fear of road blocks or causing an accident.

It was great, I am truly enjoying socialising without alcohol. I'm finding it easy to not drink in social environments and actually not missing or craving drinking, yet, probably because my mind is busy and distracted by the people and activity. It's these boring evenings at home which I am finding particularly excruciating at times, even popping out thoughts of giving in and just escaping to my bottle like before. I've even thought of taking up smoking again for some relief! I have to check myself and remember the reasons I decided to not drink and all the bad things the alcohol does, and the mission and determination to at least make that 100 days without so much as a sniff of alcohol. I know now that I'm strong enough to do this, but it doesn't mean it's easy and smooth sailing all the way. Right now I miss it like a nasty destructive abusive ex wife who was only good for short-lived great sex that always ended in ugly fights and unhappiness, right now I'm horny so the thought of that great sex blurs out all the other ugly realities. But deep down I know that as soon as the wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am is over the ugliness returns. (I just made up that analogy to booze, cool hey!)

But, I must admit I feel much better now, having vented on my blog, and the noisies seem to have retired to their warrens, the craving is easing back.

And no I will NEVER smoke cigarettes again!

I know that I have come across as being positive about this no drinking thing over the last 3 weeks, I'm sure that's been possible partly because I'm seemingly not as "severe" an alcoholic as some other people, we're all different in our journeys and dependence on alcohol, it seems that I'm able to control this without external assistance or interference, my friends on the Facebook groups seem to have been enough like-minded support in my own circumstances along with the strong desire to no longer be controlled by alcohol to be able to fight this thing. It's also partly because that's just how my personality ticks, I like to help people and through my own experience with alcoholism I believe I'm poised and capable of inspiring and motivating others with positivity and brutal honesty to overcome their own booze demons, or I hope so anyway, and that is an encouragement to stick to this path of sobriety with determination to succeed, otherwise it will come across as hypocritical to help others to be strong when my own wheels are falling off.

Point I was heading for is sometimes that positive attitude is also forced at times. I get down and depro over this booze thing sometimes too because it is not an easy battle, in fact it's easily one of the toughest challenges I have ever faced, mentally, physically and emotionally. It sure will be easy to just say fuck-it, I'll start again next week, and stop in at the liquor store and get some relief, break this resistance and just slump into a corner and get drunk, and deal with it like so many hundreds of times before. At the grocery store this evening, on the way out passing the liquor store my wife caught me slowing down and looking longingly inside and she said to me "well done", that I've done so well, and I appreciate her doing that, it snapped me back to reality and I walked on. That booze addiction is getting desperate and trying subconscious manipulation to get a fix, it takes a determined strength to keep my resolve strong.

I believe I will see this through, at least to 100 days, and probably on past that. But it is difficult being strong, probably more so than is outwardly showing. But then I suppose if quitting alcoholism were easy it wouldn't be such a worldwide epidemic, and the trillion dollar alcohol industry would collapse and many people would be jobless.

Have a great evening, I'm going to bed.

Day 18

Here are days 13, 14, 15, 16 & 17... my sincere apologies for the silence. It's been a busy week including last weekend. Should you not wish to read all this, at least read day 17, that's the best!

Some facts in summarizing this period:

• Yes I am still 100% alcohol free, 18 days today and loving this new AF life more every day!
  
• Last Friday night I took the wife and daughter to see The Little Mermaid theater production performed by some of the kids at my daughter's school Elkanah House. For a bunch of school kids it was excellent! Some serious talent among them, it was a thoroughly entertaining 2 hours!
  
• Saturday morning (day 13) I embarked on my 4th Ultra marathon, the Cape Town Festival of
  
  Running, I did the 50km distance. I found this to be a tougher race than the 56km Two Oceans Marathon in April, because of the tough mental challenge of this race, which took the shape of a dead-pan flat 5km loop around the Sea Point promenade from the swimming pool to the Mouille Point lighthouse, 10 times. The first few laps were great fun, greeting friends as you pass them, beautiful scenery on a stunning day, etc. But by around lap 7 to 8 you no longer greet your friends and don't care for the now repetitive scenery, like the Groundhog Day of running. To run a loop 10 times over 6 hours and 28 minutes is a complete mind-fuck, a mental challenge unlike I have ever experienced! But I finished, never to do that again! Well not until next year at least!
  The rest of the day was spent licking my wounds in front of the TV watching a few good movies with my girls!
• Sunday, day 14, I took my daughter to our local theme park, Ratanga Junction. After a good

  

  Tammy and me on the Monkey Falls water ride

  night's sleep I felt strong and lively again and had a really awesome day out with my little girl, while Wife roamed the world famous shoppers paradise Canal Walk shopping centre (I hate the place with a passion, so it suited me fine to leave her there for a few hours without the soul-sucking experience of having to be dragged around the place in abject misery absolutely aching to rather be drinking, which I often did do, go sit in the bar in the center and deliberately get pissed). Instead Tammy and I had a delightful daddy-daughter date enjoying all the rides, roller coasters, bumper cars, etc, had hot dogs for lunch, and an all round ball of a day. Then home, picking up the shopped out mom on the way, to end the weekend with another movie and a nice warm dinner of, I think chicken and stuff.
  
• All weekend I had very few cravings for booze, unlike the previous (first) weekend AF. It was really so negligible this weekend that it was not an issue at any stage, even the evenings. Though I suppose the lack of social events contributed to a lack of desire to drink.
  
• Monday, day 15, following another suckingly long day at work, with the expected usual post work cravings for a drink on the tedious journey home, I dropped Wife off at home, got changed and went to the gym for a fantastic spinning class and a strength workout. Once again the lack of alcohol poisoning every aspect of my life and body was noticeable. I had the strongest spinning class ever, it was surprisingly easy and more fun than usual. Even the instructor commented on my animated liveliness (I was air drumming on the bicycle to Nickelback! LOL) Every Monday at 6pm is my preferred spinning class, but 4 times out of 5 I've missed it because of hangovers from Sunday night and most days when I do pitch it's half hearted because of a weakened mind and body from drinking. After this workout I felt awesome!
  
• Tuesday, day 16. The usual on a Tuesday afternoon, in a hurry to get back and Murphy being a prick again I got stuck in frustrating traffic, worse than usual, which raises my impatience and anxiety to boiling point, getting my alcohol monster within very excited about the increased possibility of getting fed a hearty dose of booze, elixir of life for the addiction, deadly poison for my mind and body. But again the cravings were less severe than before because the monster is getting weaker without the booze. It's dying slowly.
  The rush was to drop Wife off at home and get down to the running club for the regular Tuesday club run. I only did a 5km, it was a cold, overcast and miserable evening, not pleasant conditions though I did enjoy the run, and again abstained from getting alcohol at the club bar afterwards despite hanging around to socialise for a good half hour.
  Then I headed off to Durbanville to the recording studio to lay down some more drum tracks for the recording we're working on. On Monday the guitarist decided to increase the tempo by 2bpm and as our soundie is still new to recording he didn't know how to compress the overall drum tracks digitally to fit the tempo so I had to go in to re-record the complete drum tracks. Which was fine, I love recording, it's great fun and therapeutic to my soul. And the accelerometer in my Garmin sports watch picks up the motion as steps. A solid rocking evening of band practice clocks at about a half marathon distance on my watch.
  
• Wednesday, Day 17. This was an awesome day concerning my journey to become free from the

  

  My work colleagues

  alcohol addiction, a rather large victory in this war with the booze! Last night I went out with some work colleagues to dinner at a local fancy steakhouse. 5 loud blokes in management including the boss out on a work pissup and dinner paid for by the company. The boss put 2 bottles of wine on the table for everybody. I did not have a single sip of alcohol all night! The other guys polished off the wine and had a few beers and tequila's. I drank Coke Zero and a coffee at the end. I did announce when I got there that I wouldn't be drinking alcohol, they were shocked and cracked a few jokes and I laughed with but it was fine and soon forgotten.
  
  The most surprising aspect to this scenario is that not drinking alcohol did not bother me in the least, not at all, not once! I did not wish to have a glass of wine or crave a beer or feel left out when the tequila's went around. I was perfectly content without booze and had a perfectly enjoyable evening without it, quite comfortable in the conversations and as chatty and funny as anybody else; and the other guys drinking and getting steadily inebriated did not phase me either. In fact I rather enjoyed being on the sober bench watching the dynamics evolve through alcohol as the evening progressed and it was quite fascinating. Nobody got stupid or misbehaved but they did get louder, more vulgar with language and more opinionated, but usually I would be as "tipsy" if not more drunk as everybody else so I've never seen this perspective before of a dinner party with outspoken drinkers and unlimited alcohol.
  
  The result of this evening, this test, is that I now know that I do not need booze to enjoy a

  

  Found my namesake in Sea Point, randomly
  bumped into him, we are friends on Facebook,
  I thought he lived in Europe. He recognised
  me. Such a rare chance meeting and it happens
  out of the blue after a race! Bizarre!

  social gathering, and I am perfectly happy without it while still feeling perfectly confident and comfortable socializing without the false sense of courage that we've been led to believe alcohol gives us. In fact I felt more in control of my mind and what I said, I didn't make an ass of myself, slur, knock stuff over or fall around.
  
  And to top it off, driving home with the complete peace of mind of being 100% sober after a party was brilliant! No fear of being caught by the cops, or causing an accident, etc. In fact I arrogantly hoped to be pulled over and breathalyzed.
  
  There are a number of social events coming up soon which will involve alcohol, and my initial fear of doing it sober and missing out is now an excitement for a new era of socializing in a far more enjoyable way, without spending a fortune on booze, the risk of making an idiot of myself or being a nuisance, or not remembering the event, or having to drive home drunk with my family and risking ours or other innocent people's lives... I really am excited about this!

That's my news for today.

The series of photos below is from that 50km race, I took on the mind-distraction of taking a selfie after each lap and at the start and finish. You can see the deterioration in enthusiasm as the race progressed, except the last lap acknowledging only one lap to go! One hell of a rough day:

Day 12

Hello, today's entry is a little different. This morning I saw an article shared on Facebook on one of the alcohol support groups I actively participate on:

20 Common Things People Realise When They Quit Drinking

I've actually seen this going around on a few FB pages today actually. The reason I'm mentioning this is because at 12 days since my last drink I can already clearly relate to every one of the 20 points mentioned. The changes to my own life since not drinking, so far, has been incredible, and actually quite fascinating to notice consciously as these types of things are mentioned through discussions on the Facebook groups, blogs and articles I've read and Annie Grace's book "This Naked Mind", which I've just about finished. If not for these sources it would have most likely just been noticeable as feeling better and more awake. But to have the specifics laid out in point form like this makes me realise factually and specifically how quitting the booze has made a difference in my own personal circumstances.

So, I have listed the various points from the article below, verbatim, and added annotations of my own experiences of sobering up with each point.

I must admit, this method of going alcohol free, the "spontaneous sobriety" way as described in my previous post, is definitely far more suited to my own personality and far more enjoyable and exciting than the AA would be with attending boring meetings trying to fit into old-school clique's and having to report to a sponsor (like a boss) and working the 12 steps and studying the big book alongside some serious prayer and bible study, etc. With my highly anxious and restless and excitable personality those methods would probably bore me back into the bottle. Again, no offence or disrespect intended to those people for whom the AA method works, if that got you sober then that's awesome! It's just not for me! I like this modernized "change of mentality" of freeing myself from alcoholism rather than forever carrying that burden of being a permanently sick, recovering drunk. I rather want to brag about being an ex-drunk, recovered and living life free and to the fullest without worrying about alcohol, able to confidently and enthusiastically help others get out of the gutter of alcohol addiction!

Anyway, I'm waffling again. Here are the 20 points copied and pasted from 20 Common Things People Realise When They Quit Drinking with my own points added, in red.

1.) The first major thing people see is a dramatic improvement in overall physical health. This commonly includes significant weight loss, improved digestion, greater energy and less fatigue, clearer skin, and they no longer wake up with even mild hangovers, headaches or nausea.

• This is a worthy first point! Definitely, in less than 2 weeks the health improvements are noticeable! I can't say I'm losing weight because I was mostly a whiskey and soda drinker, very low calorie drink compared to others, and since ditching the booze I'm certainly eating a LOT more. I suppose you can call it a replacement. But I'm not worried about that, I'm starting to run more, with a 50km ultramarathon on tomorrow, the weight will come off in it's own time. That's not the priority now. Otherwise, it certainly is awesome to be waking up day after day with no hangovers, feeling more refreshed and physically alive and energetic each day. And I've had no indigestion at all, whereas while drinking I got them daily, painfully! To feel healthier, stronger, livelier all day is a billion times better than the few minutes of joy that first tipsy buzz gives from the first drink of the night before destroying it all into a mental wasteland and abject unhappiness, bad moods and physical suffering from the next day's hangover. I DO NOT miss hangovers!

2.) Improvements in mental health include decreased overall anxiety, improvements in depression, much higher levels of mental clarity, improved memory, better concentration, increased sense of connection, decreased levels of stress, higher self-esteem, greater motivation and a more positive outlook on life in general.

• Pretty much all of the above!
  I am generally an incredibly anxious person, more so over the years. I also have adult ADD (self diagnosed, but there is no doubt, all the symptoms are present and strong!) The anxiety, I'm not sure if it was caused by or aggravated by the alcohol or if it was a contributor to my alcohol addiction, or both; but since not drowning my senses in ethanol poisoning I do feel less anxious most of the time unless I'm craving a drink, then it comes out in earnest, like last night, and it's a bladdy nuisance!
  Yes alcohol contributes massively to the depression caused by other life challenges, compounding the emotions, so of course I'm now less stressed and not feeling as pitiful as before and certainly less stressed. The lighter load emotionally is fantastic, making way for more positive attitude and a noticeable improved level of self-confidence and self respect. Dealing with people is becoming a welcome challenge, instead of an avoidable necessity to hide the permanent hangovers and slow responses.

3.) Sleep dramatically improves. They find it much easier to fall asleep, they sleep much better throughout the night, and they feel much more rested upon waking.

• Yes, I just mentioned to my wife this morning how much better I'm sleeping, more restful and relaxed and comfortable, right through the night. No more restlessness, constant thirst to quench from the bathroom tap multiple times, no constant bad dreams anymore. Just sound, comfortable deep sleep, waking up feeling well rested every day! It's sheer bliss, I love sleeping now!

4.) They commonly see big changes in their attitude towards other people, noticing that it tends to be easier to see things from the perspective of others as they feel less self-absorbed. They find it much easier to be empathetic towards others.

• Relationships are certainly improving, both at home and at work. It's easier to get respect from people when we're not behaving like idiots or trying to hide booze breath at work and covering up stupid remarks and mistakes. Relations with the wife are improving and time with my daughter is just precious. That fact alone will keep me out the bottle - being sober now I can see the emotional harm it does to my beautiful child by being drunk and useless to her. 

5.) Quitting drinking typically saves a great deal of money.

• Fact. Around R2000 per month, around R24,000 per year. The percentage of my annual salary spent on alcohol is in the double digits.

6.) They save a great deal of time as they get their evenings, night-time, an mornings back. They frequently embark in new endeavors or try new activities which were impossible to do with an alcoholic lifestyle.

• The amount of time lost to being drunk in my life is immeasurable! Entire evenings, day after day, lost into the oblivion of being drunk, much of it a complete loss to memory, blackouts. Precious family time lost, fun evenings with friends and family which I do not remember. Entire Saturdays and Sundays wasted to lame hangovers. The cumulative productive or conscious time lost to drinking across my 23 years of drinking must run into years! Years of life wasted that I will never get back! And who knows by how much all those years of drinking have already shortened what's left of my time on earth! Now without the drinking I am freeing up a lot more time to spend with my family and for running and exercise!

7.) They realize that they don’t actually need to drink to have fun and enjoy themselves at parties and social gatherings, thus exposing the great cultural lie that alcohol equals a good time. For many, they discover that alcohol actually strains social relationships rather than strengthening them.

• This I have not yet experienced much of, but I am excited to test this theory, knowing what I know now about alcohol and the mental perception around drinking. Maybe that will happen this weekend, a party with my regular drinking friends. I did go to the pub last Friday, and that was ok though still difficult. I feel that a week later I'm certainly stronger for it!

8.) They begin to see themselves for who they really are, no longer using alcohol as a mask behind which to hide. This can be both enlightening and startling as they are forced to accept both the good and the bad aspects of the self. They must then choose how to confront the emotional realities of their life. Something that is all but impossible with regular consumption of alcohol.

• True story, I am learning about myself as if it's a new person I have recently met and engaged in a relationship with. I like this new person and I'd like to get to now more...

9.) They realize that alcohol tends to make personal problems worse.

• ...and causes personal problems! The other crap in my life does seem less daunting to deal with without the constant thoughts of if, when and how the next drink will come and finding a drink to make my other problems seem less. Which of course it doesn't, booze only makes EVERYTHING worse!

10.) People find they have fewer regrets when living alcohol free. Not only do they not do stupid, risky and troublesome things when drunk, but they also are more available to experience more from life.

• Simple. When I'm pissed I do and say stupid shit all the time, often embarrassing or hurtful to others. Take the drink away and that problem is no longer a problem, less regrets, less waking up with a sinking feeling wondering what crap I caused again last night! I have managed to ruin relationships and friendships while drunk and not being able to remember how or what I did to do so! That realisation is a horrible horrible feeling! Yet the response was to feel sorry for myself by getting drunk again! How embarrassing to admit that!

11.) Quitting is both very difficult and very easy. The first stretch when they stop drinking is the most challenging, as the cravings for booze must be reckoned with, yet once they’ve experienced sobriety, they find it is much easier than they had imagined to stay sober, even when hanging out with drunk people.

• Again this is true to the letter. The cravings are strong, the desire to drink can be quite all consuming, especially in the first week or so and the challenge to overcome those desires and cravings takes some creative maneuvers, but it is becoming easier gradually and is certainly proving to be not just easier than I imagined, but actually possible to do without divine intervention and AA meetings and sponsors, therapy, rehabs, etc. I can do this on my own steam with knowledge and understanding of what I'm trying to achieve, not just sheer aimless willpower.

12.) For some reason it really makes drinkers uncomfortable to be around someone who is abstaining. They realize that people who drink are incredibly judgmental towards non-drinkers, and will try anything to get a sober person to join the party with a drink. They will even make fun of you or put you down.

• This I have noticed already. The few people who know about what I'm doing, some of whom are close friends, have shown clear discomfort at my polite refusal to drink. Some have tried convincing me to just have one, some have made fun of my abstinence, some just don't seem to know what to say. But it's fine, I have a good sense of humour, I can take the jokes as I'll be having the last laugh, and I'm not making a big deal about not drinking alcohol in an effort to diffuse the unease and latent distrust at my dodgy choice to remain sober!

13.) They notice that many people are just assholes when they drink. This is not always easy to see when partaking in booze with everyone else, but with the clarity of sobriety, many find that the quick-witted social rock stars appear that seem so impressive at the bar are just really attention seeking jerks.

• I know I was one of those, the obnoxious know-it-all drunk assholes! I knew it at the time but didn't care, and I've often seen it in others before I go over the same edge of dignity, and didn't care. Now it's going to be fascinating to watch, and see what I used to be like, and probably cringe at realising how bad I was.

14.) They realize that booze fueled conversations are actually boring, ego-driven and quite superficial, as well as highly prone to aggressiveness, bickering, fighting and ill sentiments.

• I've seen all of this so many hundreds and thousands of times and probably been all of this - boring, slurring conversations, egotistical, obnoxious, etc. But again I look forward to being the sober one watching it all in other drunks with a clear critical analyzing mind!

15.) They realize that people can be just as toxic as substances, and that many relationships are not able to survive without the crutch of booze. They tend to learn a great deal about who their true friends really are.

• I have not been sober for long enough to have the chance to see which of my "friends" will prove to be real friends if I'm not drinking with them. My best friend and I have had a drinking relationship since we've known each other for our entire adult lives, when we're together there is always alcohol involved. That said I trust the integrity of our friendship that although he may get annoyed that I don't drink with him, I doubt he will avoid hanging out or doing the social gatherings with me, not for that reason anyway. I'm sure the same can be said for most of my friends. Anybody who does have an issue with my abstinence from drinking can go fly a kite, I won't miss that sort of falseness.

16.) They begin to understand that alcoholism is in large part an environmental disorder, meaning that it is just as easy to not drink once a reasoned change has been made to their environment, who they spend time with, who they work with, and what they do in their free time.

• Yes true, this comes down to triggers. In my case there are many environmental triggers. Mostly limited to the days of the week - Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday! One saving situation is if I'm running the next morning then I didn't drink. That's a personal rule, there are few things worse than running a race with a hangover! It's enough to keep me out the bottle the night before!

17.) Alcohol is the least fulfilling and least interesting buzz available, when compared to many other mind-altering and mind-expanding substances people take to alter consciousness.

• In my younger years I tried a number of other drugs, especially the 8 years I lived in London. Ecstasy was a favourite when we went clubbing, but it was never an addiction. I also did cocaine a few times, which actually did nothing for me. Magic mushrooms were awesome in the right place with awesome music. And marijuana I've smoked my entire adult life, a lot in my early twenties and gradually less over the years, these days if it's once a year it's a lot. But that was also not an addiction, just a stupid social "fun" thing to do. All of the above always gave a much greater mental vibe and fun times than drinking alcohol ever did. Even dope with it's "stupid" effect has always been preferred to booze, but being illegal is not practical. Of course I don't smoke cigarettes anymore either so weed also kinda died with that. I hate being drunk, I hate being out of control and incoherent and always making a fool of myself and feeling shit from hangovers or guilt, etc. I truly hate being drunk, and sitting here writing all this clever stuff it still makes no sense how or why I have been completely hooked on alcohol for so long! I hate it!

18.) They find it easier to make healthier choices in general, choosing better foods, drinking more water, taking more exercise, and purposefully sleeping better.

• Not just choosing better foods, but regular foods just taste so much better now that my sense of taste is no longer numb all the time! My running is improving as my energy levels improve. Generally I am feeling stronger, healthier and enjoying living more!

19.) They find that not drinking allows them to experience a greater level of spiritual awareness and consciousness in their everyday lives.

• Part of the reason I'm not a fan of the AA model is the spiritual perspective. So this point is a non-issue for me. I am Christian, and for many years  have prayed for salvation from God from this horrid darkness of alcoholism and my prayers have been ignored. Now I'm doing it myself.

20.) They find that a return to drinking alcohol is often immediately gratifying with one or two drinks, but that shortly after consuming even a small amount of alcohol they feel crappy, lethargic, spaced out, dizzy and off.

• I have not yet reached this point of returning to alcohol. That time will come, not before my 100 days are up, and at the time I'll deal with how I'm going to deal with it, but I intend to be smart and in control and NOT allow the alcohol to take over my inhibitions and ruin all my progress to becoming a non-alcoholic! Any insatiable urges to drink more to get drunk after the first drink and the next 100 days AF starts immediately!

Again, these points are all personal experiences regarding the points mentioned above.

Day 10 - 11

Good evening friends, fans and fantabulous fandamily!

Firstly... apologies for the absence of your blog fix yesterday. My internet at home was dead so I was unable to access my online blog and didn't feel like hassling with the cell phone, etc. It was another cold night and my bed was calling! For those who don't know, I live down in deepest darkest Africa, the technological infrastructure here is still far behind the rest of the world, albeit catching up gradually. I just found out today the fibre optic cabling which has been laid in my neighbourhood is now live so I've ordered my fibre internet to be installed, which should happen in the next 2 months if I'm lucky. Things don't happen so fast around here! I'm seriously envious of you guys living in the first world in the northern hemisphere and would give just about everything for the chance to relocate there, if it were that simple. But I wouldn't qualify as a political refugee! LOL.

But, this isn't about feeling sorry for myself for the misfortune of where I was born.

Meantime, the alcohol saga continues. Personally it's been a good couple of days for the most part. The evenings are the worst. Tonight I was craving massively again on the way home, mostly because I was pissed off and grumpy as a mutherfucker, and when I'm in a foul mood like that I NEED to drink, hard! Not long ago, by this time of the evening I’d have been an incoherent waste of oxygen. I wanted to make it in time for a trail run with my running club around a local nature reserve. The first trigger to my mood was the wife making me wait 15 minutes when I fetched her when she knew I had a tight time schedule; she was "finishing typing something". I kept my thoughts to myself for the sake of not starting a fight. Then I got caught in traffic getting into my area, took an hour to get a distance that normally takes 10 minutes, because some fucking dimwit caused an accident on the only route into the area, which I would have missed had we been 10 minutes earlier. I won’t even go into my thoughts about the other people, other drivers on the road, the most ridiculously stupid, selfish, fucked-up humans on this planet that seem to have spawned from this place in vast masses… So I missed my run which I'd really looked forward to. Of course being angry only compounded my craving to drink which compounded my anger knowing that I could not have that drink. And having been listening to the podcast of Annie Grace's book and all the mental conversions going on through that just confused me to shits which of course threw more fuel on my already blazing temper inferno. Despite knowing now that "needing" a drink is illogical and would only make matters worse, in any situation, especially unstable emotions of anger, my inhibitions and self-control were just swearing "oh fuck-it, just get a drink and you'll feel better", the addiction, my parasitic monster within getting uncontrollably excited that it was getting it's way and breaking me, using my impatience, anger and anxiety to manipulate it's way to getting it's fix of booze... then we stopped at the supermarket to get groceries, another trigger that gets me chomping at the bit for a drink because I hate the supermarket and the dregs of society who frequent the place; having to drag around after my wife imagining tortoises overtaking me, it takes so long. By now my blood was boiling. We passed my regular liquor store on the way into the shop and the whole time there that's all that I could think about, my familiar whiskey isle, bright and sparkling in my minds eye. On the way out the supermarket, eventually, there was my liquor store again. I stopped in the doorway, looking longingly at all those lonely looking whiskey bottles almost animatedly begging to be taken home, my booze beast going apeshit inside me like a climaxing tornado making me crazy with lust for the contents of that store... but it did not win! It was a tough battle, the booze monster fought valiantly, but I was victorious again and went home with no booze. Frazzled and exhausted from that ordeal, I climbed into that bowl of toffee in the fridge (my flopped fudge from the weekend) and fed the monster a hearty dose of sugar to shut it up. Eventually the asshole got the hint and shut up and has since left me alone for the night, no more cravings.

But that was a tough one. Combo of waiting, awful traffic, missing my run, the crappy shops, my own inner turmoil getting to grips with this alcohol free mentality, etc was challenging tonight. With the best positive attitude I can throw at this thing, it's really not easy at times, and it's always at the same times, between leaving work until after I'm home, with the same triggers. I reckon, cut out that unpleasant journey home and my desire to drink will be almost annihilated! But, that’s not going to happen! Life and responsibilities need to continue.

Ok so that was my colourful rant for the day, I am unfortunately known for my temper, and this platform being an honest interpretation of my life, it won’t be concealed when it comes out. On the plus side, the worst of my temper normally comes out when I’m hungover, then I can be a real dick, but that dimension is no more so maybe once the worst of the addiction cravings have passed I’ll learn to control my ADD and anxiety, without ever having to resort to medication, and life will be peachy with no more toys being thrown out the cot.

All that said, there is definitely a positive side to this sobering up drama that I’m noticing in the last few days. Firstly, my brain is certainly functioning a lot better, I’m much more sharp witted in conversations at work and capable of contributing to intellectual debates and technical issues. Not that I was an idiot before, I’m good at what I do but have always noticeably been a little on the “slow” side. Not anymore, now I’m on the ball.

The other thing is my confidence, self-confidence is at a level I’ve never experienced. It’s by no means arrogance, I cannot stand arrogance in the slightest and do not intend to become like that, but I’m feeling like I’m coming alive, out from under a rock from a 20 year hibernation of sorts and suddenly I’m less shy and not afraid to face people and speak up. I’ll give an example. My boss is an asshole, a bully sporting the worst arrogance I have ever experienced in another human. For 4 years we have bumped heads and he has actively and repeatedly picked on me and belittled me at work, psychologically, breaking me down and insulting me on a personal level time and time again, treating me like a complete idiot and making me feel absolutely worthless and useless, repeatedly and deliberately humiliating me in front of my colleagues, my staff whom report to me as a manager. How can people ever respect me when I’m put down like that in front of them repeatedly? And all the time like a pussy I have shut up and taken it without fighting back, purely for the sake of keeping my job. Because you see, for those of you in other parts of the world who don’t know how this country works, being a white male in a completely racist country run and corrupted by a black majority government in an economic society governed by all levels of “affirmative action” laws, I don’t stand much chance of getting another job out there. I’m lucky to have one, and my boss knows that. People here are not hired on merit. If I applied for a job with all the right qualifications and experience and a black guy with a criminal record who has not finished school applies, he will get the job. It’s actual LAW here! Another reason I wish I could pack up my family and leave this godforsaken racist wasteland.

Anyway, back on track, so that’s the history with my boss, basically he has differing sets of rules for different people depending on how well you kiss his arse and conform to his ways. I am a stubborn fool, I will not kiss anybody arse for any reason, and that is my downfall.

But yesterday he came into my office and had another dig at me in front of my colleagues over something petty and I stood up, without intending to, and called him a “fucking asshole” to his face, and proceeded to shit on him for the way he speaks to me. He did not like this and blew his top, and by now I was so furious I was actually shaking and he attacked more but I kept going back at him. Eventually 2 hours later we were still at it but it had strangely quietened into a more civil conversation than a fight. I didn’t expect that, I told him outright I was already looking for another job and he actually intimated that he didn’t want that. I actually think he developed some respect for me yesterday, all because I have a new confidence level to take a risk and stand up to his bullying, because I’m less insecure and numbed by alcohol. Maybe the relationship will improve, I don’t know, time will tell. I would really love nothing more than to get out of there and start somewhere fresh if the opportunity arose, but for now I’m stuck by the colour of my skin so using my newfound confidence and wit I will improve the situation and make the better of it.

Something else I wanted to discuss today (every day there’s so much, but I’ll get to it all in time), is something somebody mentioned on the LDB group in response to one of my posts yesterday, sorry I don’t recall who. It was a comment that likened me to “spontaneous sobriety”. A concept discussed in Annie Grace’s book “This Naked Mind”. Again, I have to confess I am loving that book, it’s so fascinating, I love her refreshing approach to becoming a non-drinker through changing our mental perception towards alcohol to become free from the addiction. That’s where this spontaneous sobriety idea is so fantastic. In a nutsack, it defines an alcoholic who has stopped drinking successfully through changing one’s outlook about drinking and one’s reasoning behind drinking, and literally stopped drinking alcohol, WITHOUT the support of any of the formal institutions for sobriety such as the AA, rehab, counselling, etc. The main difference being you become free of the addiction and move on with your life happily as a non-drinker, and not living the rest of your life with the burden of being labelled an alcoholic having to forever be aware of the desire to drink and having to control that desire and feel like you need meetings and a sponsor and support systems and divine intervention etc to keep you out of the bottle. No, this way you simply choose to release yourself from the conflict within between your conscious choice of not wanting to drink and your subconscious conditioning that is addicted to drink, you choose a better life without booze, you take control of your life and your choices and you move on free from the burden of alcoholism.


I hope my description is making sense. I listened to that chapter in Annie’s book today and I think that is me exactly, again another way in which I relate almost as if I’m the context and case study of her book, so much of that book is almost a mirror of my own life through alcohol. It is giving me the hope and confidence that I can and will beat this thing and kill the addiction, the alcohol monster within me!

Anyway, it’s late now. I just wanted to end off by saying that am so grateful for where I am right now, albeit a humble 11 days sober only, I am learning so much every day about myself and about alcoholism and about life and it is proving to be a fascinating journey. And I’m grateful for the people involved, you know who you are, you’re probably reading this blog right now! Thank you for being there! No it’s not easy, at times I would like to take the simple cowardly way out and just drop my guard and allow the booze to take over again, but those moments are short lived and getting weaker (except today, that was a nasty one!) and day by day I’m realising how idiotic and senseless it would be to break down and get pissed and screw it all up and have to start all over again! I don’t want that, I don’t want to get drunk again, even if I do drink alcohol again in future that will only be when I am in complete control, I will not fall back into that dark ugly abyss of numb, senseless drunken fog. It makes no sense to do that, to disappoint my family again, to disappoint myself, and do stupid shit and say stupid shit, do more damage to my mind and body, etc, etc. I’m looking forward to learning to enjoy social functions for the circumstances and the people, conversations, laughter, debates and the places, and NOT have it being all about alcohol and being dependant on alcohol to have a good time.

And also, I hope that someday when I’m free I can inspire others to follow the same path to a life free from the shackles of alcohol addiction. I’m already practicing on my wife, even though she fell asleep when I played her Annie’s book in the car earlier.

But first, I need to get through this successfully. The road to success is still long with many deceptive turns along the way to avoid. Long journey to go yet, but let’s make it an adventure and have some fun getting there!

(I know, so damn cheesy!)

Day 9 - extended.

Just a quick one, further to the earlier entry. Something of a tough-ish test passed tonight. I went to the running club for an awesome evening run on the beachfront with some good friends and joined them at the bar afterwards. As always, the Tuesday evening after-run run social at the club bar is a pleasant vibrant chit chat with club mates over drinks, I was with some good friends who I ran with, they were drinking beer and wine. I had a Coke Zero. That is all! Some of them tried cracking jokes about "91 days to go, hahaha...", fortunately I've got a sense of humor so I laughed along.

In truth, it was tough, I was rather envious of them, a cold beer after a hot run really has an appeal, it is nice. Not a pissup, just a cold beer to cool down, it honestly is enjoyable and not for the alcohol, though admittedly the alcohol in the beer does normally inspire the next phase which at the bar usually includes tequila. THAT is the challenge in future, to learn to enjoy that beer for the purpose of a refreshing cold beer after a run and leave it at that, without the desire to get shattered further. I was proud of myself for not drinking but I really would have loved just one beer!

Anyway, the point is, I stuck to my guns tonight, despite temptation and social pressure, it wasn't terribly enjoyable in the circumstances, making it clear there certainly are going to be times that this non-drinking thing will have its challenges. Despite a general positive attitude towards this thing, I'm feeling a bit down right now. Compounded by the noise around me in this house, outlaw clanging dishes in the kitchen and muttering and the TV being so fucking annoyingly loud into a bit of an ear/tooth ache, 3 females yelling at each other across the house in high pitched voices, me sitting in the middle.

Sorry for the misery, I'm gonna hit the sack. I can't escape this racket to my whiskey anymore, so to bed it has to be.

Tomorrow will be better.... got some shit to figure out, strategies to plan. Goodnight.

Day 9

Hellooooooo...

I have to admit, I am really loving being sober! What the hell I was afraid of giving up all those years, I don't know. Most likely it was the subconscious manipulation of that living alcohol addiction doing whatever it needs to ensure it gets it's regular fix of booze in copious quantities, irrespective of the damage it causes to our bodies, lives, families, etc. After all, no parasitic organism on this planet is known as being considerate in any way, the one purpose of a parasite is survival, to the complete detriment and destruction of its host. Think of the wasp that attacks and stings the spider to paralyze it, then lays it's eggs in the spiders body. The spider remains alive though useless so the wasp larvae within it can survive and grow, gradually killing the spider. Eventually the spider dies as the parasites suck all the life from it. Alcohol, in my opinion, works much the same. Once that addiction is embedded within us and takes hold of our lives it gradually destroys us and sucks the life from us without us realizing until it's too late and our existence becomes about mindlessly feeding our parasitic. Often this alcoholic parasite kills us too. Fortunately for us we are able to come to our senses and fight back and kill off the addiction by not feeding it's lifeline of alcohol, and unlike the poor spider, we are able to survive this parasite, IF WE WANT TO, and make the conscious decision (in between the unconscious blurs of being drunk) to save our own lives and kill off the parasite.

This is where I (think I) am now. That parasitic beast within me has sucked the life from my existence for long enough now, I am fighting back with surprising resilience and strength against what I expected to be a more powerful enemy. Sure there are different levels of alcoholism and differing depths of the addition, and of course differing strengths of the "hosts", us people addicted to alcohol, to fight their addictions. Maybe I'm not "as bad an alcoholic" as I thought, or maybe my positive attitude is an unexpected weapon in the battle, who knows, but at the end of it an alcoholic is an alcoholic and becoming a non-alcoholic (NOT a sober alcoholic!!) is not easy nor has any quick fix. Of course, as some of the AA folks will attest, an alcoholic WILL ALWAYS BE an alcoholic. I do not believe that, and yesterday on an AA Facebook page I read a thread where the poster asked something along the lines of "Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic?" Just about everybody answered "yes". I found that disturbing. I do not feel that permanently labeling yourself as an alcoholic even if you never drink again is healing or good for the self-confidence and dignity. Maybe I'm being naive here, and in my inexperience with sobriety maybe rightly so. A number of people on that thread mentioned the analogy of "once the cucumber becomes a pickle, it can never become a cucumber again!" Bullshit, we're not fucking cucumbers! Cucumbers are vegetables, they don't make choices, they don't choose to become pickles! We are intelligent humans with conscious (usually) choices! Sure we may choose (whether consciously or unconsciously) to pickle ourselves in alcohol and many of us don't survive that "choice" to un-pickle ourselves, but we are still capable of choosing to un-pickle ourselves if we decide to do so!

Well I have decided I've had enough of being a pickle and I am choosing to revert back to being a cucumber! A sexy man-cucumber with arms, legs, head, etc, and a functional intelligent brain, self awareness and ALIVE!!!

I am only 9 days into this new alcohol free lifestyle, and I admit I miss the booze and get agitating and annoying cravings, especially at the end of the day when I'd normally be drinking, but I am starting to love this life of being sober! My family life is noticeably improving already, my daughter is getting the attention she deserves and she is thriving! That child really adores me, her dad; the last few days we've been chatting lots, laughing together, she tells me constantly that she loves me. We're having real fun just spending simple honest time together without dad being drunk and confused and slurring and disorderly, etc. How the hell could I have missed out on this relationship with this perfect little person for so long and not even realised the awesomeness of this father daughter bond. Of course I've always known we're close, but I've taken it for granted, and I realise now how neglected she must have felt all along whenever I've been drunk! It disgusts me that I did that, and that knowledge is enough motivation without ANY other influence to fight this addiction with all my strength, to subdue the desires for booze permanently in favour of a healthy and nurturing relationship with my little girl, a child with a heart of gold bursting with love and happiness that she just wants to share with those around her!

It's also really nice not to be suffering from hangovers day after day anymore. To wake up when my alarm goes off, after a good night's sleep (another noticeable change, I'm sleeping so wonderfully comfortably these days), get up feeling alive and refreshed and ready for the day, despite the current mornings being ridiculously cold. To go through the day not feeling mentally and physically numb, half asleep, uncomfortable and dehydrated, with a sore head. Unable to run or exercise because of a lack of energy and deadened muscles and willpower. Only to repeat it all again the next day, and the next and the next... Now I'm chirpy and talkative, making much more sense, better at my job, more communicative with co-workers and friends. Sorting out life issues which have been ignored for long enough. Etc, etc. Yes, I definitely do not miss the hangovers!

Even relations with the wife are improving. Yes she still drinks alcohol, she's not the one with the problem so I don't expect her to quit, though in fairness in the 9 days since I've last had a drink I've not seen her drink, nor is there any sign of booze around the house, except in the wine rack in the kitchen, which is fine, I'm not really a wine drinker, it doesn't bother me in the least. Our relationship has improved, seeing as I'm not as irritable and hot-tempered as before and not snapping at everything, and our bedroom door is getting locked more often (no you don't get more details, wink wink).

Suffice to say, family time has certainly improved, those delightful family hugs are far more frequent.

It's becoming increasingly noticeable how incredible the change to one's lifestyle becomes simply by cutting out alcohol. Life is just better sober, it's exciting to feel alive and looking forward to every day activities without the constant burden of factoring in when the drinking will fit in and getting annoyed and impatient when "other things" like school events, etc get in the way of drinking time. If you are not a drinker you really cannot begin to understand how much that dimension of being an alcoholic plays havoc with our lives and minds... the constant awareness of alcohol and the mental planning of when, where, how and with who the next drinking session happens. We are not really even aware of how much our lives are controlled by alcohol and planned & co-ordinated around drinking, and how much we manipulate the people around us to suit our own needs to drink.

Thinking about that reality right now actually just gave me a physical sinking feeling in my stomach at the realization of just how selfish we are as alcoholics, without even consciously meaning to be. I cannot right now think of an exact example, but I know that I have cunningly manipulated people and events countless times so that I can get my time with my bottle of whiskey. How fucking sad is that!

Never again!

I saw this post earlier, "What's The Difference Between Being an Alcoholic and Just Really, Really Liking to Drink?"and found I can relate to the sentiment rather accurately. Though I haven't had numerous attempts at months of giving up yet I have tried the moderating thing, as recently as in the first few months of this year. And yes I did manage to cut down the frequency and quantities consumed, though not by much, it was with great effort, and constantly waiting excitedly for the next session of unleashing the beast and playing catch up to quench the insatiable thirst of my booze-monster within. It wasn't long before I was fully back into the old easy ways of drinking to oblivion almost every day except on the nights before races.

I reckon that's about enough of my opinionated opinions on alcoholism for the day.

Tonight is a club run on the beachfront with my running club again. I'm feeling quite amped for a good solid 10km speed training run tonight. Then it's an easy taper for the rest of the week before that monster 50km promenade Ultra on Saturday, 10 looks of 5km. My family is coming to support, which is awesome, it'll be a long day's picnic for them waiting for me to come round every half hour, at least they'll have food and drink so I don't need to carry.

Have a great day folks!

Day 8

Apologies to my fans for dropping you yesterday (assuming of course I have any fans, being a humble blogging alcoholic and not some rock superstar, well not while I'm awake in reality anyway), it was a cold lazy Sunday. In a nutshell, I had a lovely lie-in enjoying my warm comfortable bed after that crazy storm the night before. Then some mates started commenting on our running group about an easy beach run, so I donned my running kit and headed out to join the guys for a lovely 12.5km run along the beachfront. Came home and didn't go outside again for the rest of the day. My daughter and I made awesome home-made pizzas for the family for lunch, then we tried to make fudge. As always, a disaster! My fudge ALWAYS comes out as toffee, gooey, sticky toffee! I don't know why but it's really pissing me off that I can't make the simple things! Head-bloat confession - I'm a bloody good cook, I can make the most incredible meals of all sorts, I'm creative and interesting in the kitchen, my family and friends love my culinary creations. But, I cannot make rice! Yes, fucking RICE!!! It always comes out a flop - overcooked, burned, under-cooked, or like mielie pap (thick maize porridge). In my 41 years of sucking oxygen I have NEVER managed to make a decent pot of rice! (And please keep your tips and tricks, I've heard them all and tried them all and still managed to cock it up!)

The rest of the day was spent doing not much more than nothing. Watched a movie with Tammy, "Finding Neverland", very nice heartwarming show. Hit the hay fairly early with grand intentions again of getting up early to hit the treadmill. That has yet to actually happen! I blame winter, 100%. The last few days has been freezing in the early mornings!

And yes, I was craving drink yesterday, again the usual trigger situations - home, bored, irritated with my housemates (aka family, 3 generations of noisy chicks), just really craved a stiff whiskey. It was a week earlier that I'd been indulging my last drink, deliberately to make it the last. Feels like a month away, not a week. But, of course I did not cave in and drink, it wasn't that bad. I was asleep at 9pm when that exact week since the last drink clocked, which means effectively right now (Monday) I'm just about 8 full days in.

Today is really the first day I have been absolutely fine, very mild craving at the end of the day, so mild it was negligible, and ironically what brought it on was listening to Annie Grace's "This Naked Mind" in the car on the way home. The chapter was on about marketing and advertising as brainwashing by the alcohol industry and it got me thinking about drinking events and good times and I felt a twinge of regret , as we expect the dying addiction to do in desperation, remind us that we love drinking and we are missing out on great socials and the great feelings and enjoyment that drinking brings, etc, etc... and to a point it did work, I have had a lot of great fun times in my life where alcohol has been involved and and I was reminiscing  know that part of me will miss drinking beer with friends around a braai fire or wine tasting in the Cape's amazing wine estates with the wife, that sort of thing that I'm having to sacrifice for the sake of fighting this shit addiction that has taken my life hostage.

But all that was short lived, gone by the time I got home. Yeah you can call that a bit of regret, but so what, it's all part of the package, the positives of giving up booze far outweigh the negatives. Social events just need some adjustment, and yet I truly am excited about the prospect of being sober and sharp witted at social events, even having the peace of mind of being a responsible sober driver and not have to drunkenly take back roads home to avoid potential road block routes. It will just take some getting used to, finding and adjusting to a suitable and enjoyable non-alcoholic drink, of which there aren't many options that aren't piled full of sugar at most bars, compared to the thousands of alcoholic options.

But, otherwise I had a great day today. Came home and headed off to gym for a great strength workout in preparation for the 50km race I'm running on Saturday. It's very cold here again this evening. There's snow on the mountains around the Cape, which sends icy air down here into Cape Town. Luckily I got back from gym to a lovely hot bowl of creamy vegetable soup made by the wife.

I actually had some other topics I wanted to chat about in my blog this evening, but to be honest, I'm not really in that creative head space for writing much useful stuff tonight so I won't waste any more time on pointless blabber.

Tomorrow's entry will be more enthusiastic and interesting, I promise!

Good night!

Day 6

Saturday night. I'm at home with the family, quiet evening, nothing going on. Wife busy on the computer in the study, daughter and mother-outlaw busy in a bedroom. I'm pottering around bored silly, watched a movie, scoured Facebook in detail, whatsapped a few friends. There's a heavy storm pounding outside in the darkness...

Because of the weather this weekend I'm not running tomorrow, so I can lie in as late as I feel like.

You know what I would normally be doing right now? Without doubt or fail - DRINKING... drinking whiskey with maybe some beer to wash down the whiskey, deliberately, albeit mostly subconsciously, getting completely twatted! Shitfaced drunk! By now, 8.45pm I would be well past tipsy, I'd be in the idiot stage, probably blasting some hard rock on my headphones and singing or whistling or drumming on my desk and being a general nuisance. The family long since retreated to their rooms to avoid the irritation of the usual Friday or (sometimes AND) Saturday night drunken drama on a night like tonight. Of course tomorrow I don't remember much of my antics.

Instead, here I am quietly pounding away at my laptop keyboard talking to my blog and whoever happens to read this, quiet and well behaved, sipping away at a delicious hot chocolate my wife made and really actually enjoying it far more than neat cheap Scotch whiskey would taste right now!

YET, and here's the but, the reason I'm writing this right now is to admit that truthfully I am craving a drink worse than any other time in the six days since I last had one. No I certainly won't break and have a drink, partly because it's late and the liquor stores are closed, more so because I am determined to beat this beast into submission until it dies and fucks off out of my life back to the hell whence it came! Alcohol truly is an evil creation!

Still, being here, bored, irritated, as always feeling out of place in my own home, the thoughts and cravings for not just booze but an outright pissup are uncomfortably strong! I need to get drunk right now! Well that's what that gruff manipulative voice in my head is saying, almost chanting... "must get drunk... must get drunk... must get drunk..." and it does so in a way that somewhere in the midst of my conscious thought and subconscious instinct the rationale is that it's a good thing, it will be a pleasant relief from the unpleasantness that the same irrational mess in my head is rather convincing about!

I don't know if any of this is making sense, once again these words are just flowing out as they are being strung together in my unusually sober reasoning.

I do not want to drink, I have consciously decided this, so it's not going to happen because this has gone far enough to be strongly convincing enough to put the stakes at giving up too high. But like some kind of hidden psychological magnet, another living conscious force within my head, the desire to drink is driving, pushing, pulling, nagging, trying to chip away at reason until my conscious resolve capitulates and concedes defeat to the alcohol-thirsty beast within.

It is difficult, I won't lie, really difficult at times like this when that craving aches, and I can understand why so many people who are trying to quit buckle under the pressure and go back to the booze as if it's some immense relief, and at the time probably feels that way. The torment of the cravings to feed the relentless addiction are real and strong; throw in external stresses like relationship issues with loved ones, divorce, difficult kids, unsupportive friends & family, peer pressure to drink, social expectations, boredom, loneliness, insecurities, self-loathing etc, and of course it becomes impossible for many folks to fight this fight alone. I've said this before, alcoholism is a terribly dark and lonely place to be, no matter how many people we have around us. This is my experience, despite having a loving family and good friends I have felt trapped and alone in this wavering fog of alcoholism for a long time, most people around tend to just ignore what it really is, and of course as the alcoholics we also become masters at covering and hiding the problem so the true magnitude of the depth of our despair is never truly realised, until we choose to come out and speak up and seek help, or something tragic happens as a result of the drinking!

Personally, I think I'm lucky. Yes I have irritations in my life, discomforts and awkward situations, including my own anxiety. But I have a loving family, a roof over my head (though it's starting to show signs of leaking in this storm), a job, friends who respect my decision not to drink, other family who don't bother me much, the two Facebook groups of fantastic people in the same situation with alcohol, etc... I don't have overpowering external factors making this fight impossible without intervention, and I'm beginning to believe I'm going to make it out of this pit into the light of freedom. Freedom from being addicted to alcohol, with the full power and choice in my own control of whether or not I drink and how much to drink if I decide to. The decision will not be made by this subconscious desire and insatiable addiction that controls me now. That addiction will be dead! the decisions and choices will be completely my own!

Or am I talking a load of fantastical shite? At only 6 days sober who the hell do I think I am making statements like this? "I'm going to be freeeeee... bla bla bla..." Tell me to snap out of it if you like. But this is how my mind works, combination of ADD, anxiety and a non-stop brain like a full speed freight train full of wild imagination. This is why I'm loving this blogging thing, it's an outlet for the madness within to be unleashed on the world. If my experiences and thoughts can help somebody in anyway, then it's all worth it. And if it helps nobody but manages to provide some corny entertainment and a laugh or two then it's still a win!

News for the day, this morning I got my lazy ass out from under my covers of two duvets and 3 thick blankets at ridiculous-o'clock to go run that 15km race, in icy cold rain the entire way, starting in darkness. I didn't mind too much running in the rain, but as soon as you stop that cold quickly takes hold and freezes you to the core. There have been few times in my life I've been as cold as I was this morning, I got home soaked and frozen to the middle bone, had the longest scalding hot shower ever, despite serious water restrictions due to the drought in the catchment areas.

Being fitter and considerably thinner than previous years, I'm really not enjoying this winter. Without the natural blubber to keep warm the difference is noticeable. And I spent 8 years in London, the snowy icy winters there never bothered me. Cape Town doesn't get nearly as cold but it's almost unbearable right now. BUT, it could also be that I'm no longer constantly numb from booze so the nervous system is doing what it's supposed to.

Ok enough for tonight, I've spoken my craving away, so now I'm going to settle on the couch with the wife under a duvet and watch a movie.

Myles, Naz & Me at the Easterns AC race in Brackenfell, Cape Town.

Day 5

This will be a brief one. 8.30pm home about to watch a movie with the family, up early for a race tomorrow.

Just wanted to say, I passed the test of the pub tonight and I feel great about it. My 3 best mates joined me at the local bar tonight, these are guys that over the years I've known them there have been very few occasions out of hundreds that we've parted ways sober, except at races, and even then sometimes we cane a few few hard drinks at 10am-ish after a run. This should have been an all night piss-up. I had a Coke Zero and a Lime & Soda. NO alcohol at all, and I felt absolutely fine about it. My friends were confused at first, then quite concerned that I was terminally ill or something. I didn't elaborate on all the details, simply told them I'm going through a 100 day no alcohol detox. They cracked a few jokes about it, I laughed along, then we chatted about other nonsense. Some of them hammered down the beers and left quite tanked.

Ottilie, Adriana, Marius, Me, Colin, Myles

I must admit I felt surprisingly comfortable not drinking. Yes of course I did crave a real drink, a beer with the boys would have been nice, but then I remembered all the things I've been learning through Annie Grace's book and it was ok, I was ok without the alcohol, and I was ok with them drinking around me. What I'm doing is my own choice, my friends understand that, and I'm not going to push what I'm doing on them or try to influence them against alcohol.

Not yet anyway... hahaha. (Evil laugh)

All in all, another good day Alcohol Free! Another day, another step closer to the light beyond this manipulative fog of alcoholism.

Anyway, my dinner's getting cold and the movie's starting.

Day 4

Better late than never! It's actually now Friday, into day 5, and still AF (alcohol free!)

Today, like yesterday, I feel alive! It feels like I'm gradually coming back to life from a long hibernation. No hangover, or that day after the hangover hangover of fuzziness and lethargy. It's good to be back! Yet I say that now at 10.30am long before the cravings usually kick in!

Yesterday after work was another 'delightful' drive home in the traffic, some extra special knuckleheads were driving around in my vicinity yesterday, got my hackles raised like the selfish idiots manage to effect every day. One day I'll learn to control my impatience and road rage. One thing at a time. Alcoholism first! Funny to note though, I have two vehicles, a stupid little Hyundai Atos, really not much more than a biscuit tin with trolley wheels and a lawnmower engine. At least it has working air con. My other car is a big old Land Rover Discovery 2, fully off-road bush-worthy with big all terrain tyres, raised suspension, massive solid bull-bar on the front, etc. Tough piece of machinery. Driving in traffic in the Atos and people bully me around as if I'm completely insignificant, zero respect or consideration whatsoever. It's a zippy little car but I have to watch the other drivers who often come close to driving me into the gutter. BUT, when I'm in the Landy then I'm king! Even the lawless obnoxious minibus taxi drivers do not push their luck because I'm bigger and stronger. I get gaps opened as if Moses is standing on my bonnet with his staff raised in anger and people show me respect. You wouldn't think it but the vehicle you drive definitely does make a difference to one's driving experience and road safety!

That said, it matters not what you drive, to drive drunk you are the asshole in every way!

So last night I didn't blog because, as I was saying before getting sidetracked above, I got home, irritated with humans in general, like most days (I could quite happily live as a recluse in the wilderness, with WiFi of course!)... I'd intended to have some dinner and hang around at home a while, but shit happened, mother-outlaw pissed on my battery again. If you've followed my blog for the last 5 days you'll have realised that this is the time of day I'm most vulnerable to desires and cravings for alcohol. The reasons and triggers are at the max. Getting whined at over crap while in that sensitive state just got my blood boiling. I retreated to my bedroom and screamed into a pillow, veins just about bursting out my forehead, took a few deep breaths and went back out sporting the mother of fake smiles.

I sat and chatted to my beautiful daughter for a while about our days and the cool stuff I'm planning for the weekend. I'll take her on a daddy-daughter date, she absolutely loves those! Simple cliche things like movies and a pizza. (It's looking to be too stormy for the theme park, Ratanga Junction this weekend) The idea of our dates, bearing in mind she's 9 years old, is to teach her how girls should be treated by boys. I treat her kindly and gently and politely, good manners like opening doors for her, etc. We get home and she's always had a great time feeling safe and treated like the little lady she is. I hope it leaves some kind of lasting impression for when the time comes for her to find boys and romance so she chooses nice boys and not little shits whom I'll have to make disappear! Honestly, I'm dreading that phase, boys, I'm not ready for that shit yet, my little girl is an only child and my whole world, I am and will remain incredibly protective over her, so much so it will probably become a nuisance and embarrassment to the poor kid. Tuff shit, at least she will know that dad has her back no matter what!

This is repeated news but Tammy is my number one reason for ditching the booze, or trying to at least (long way to go to call it any realistic kind of success). When she was little it was easy enough to not let it affect her, but she's a bright kid, and now she sees it. Fortunately I'm not an aggressive drunk, I get quite affectionate and can be quite fun, but I still behave like an idiot especially into the blackout stage where all sense of reason and coherence is gone. Funny for a baby, not for a fast growing girl with a learning mind that is absorbing everything she experiences, including dad acting like an idiot and useless in helping with homework! So many times over the years she's asked me to read her bedtime stories and I've had to say no because I was too drunk to read, or tried to and it came out as incoherent blabber. Saying this now, in hindsight, brings a horrible sadness to my heart! How could I have done this to my baby?

Now these days she knows what "drunk" means, and a few times recently she's commented on "dad you're drinking again". The hurt and embarrassment and confusion it brings to my confuddled state when my daughter calls me out for pissing it up again, it's absolutely horrible, few times in life that I've felt more worthless! My response, have another swig of whiskey drowning in self pity.

No, fuck that, I cannot go back to that again! I will not hurt Tammy like that again. From now on it's every effort to be the best dad I can be. I know she loves me dearly, she already regards me as her hero, her favourite person, despite my faults and stupidity with drinking. I cannot and will not disappoint my Princess like that again, time to be a real dad!

You see, this is why writing this blog works, composing it all down in creative words puts it all into a clearer perspective in ways I don't normally randomly think about. It's like lifting the fog to expose, clear as daylight, the true situation and the mess I've made through being a drunk. I know the more "correct" way of labeling us addicted drinkers is "alcoholic", but I'm no different to an outright drunk than the hobo passed out in the gutter clutching his brown paper bag clad bottle of cheap plonk. I no longer want to be a "drunk"! I also do not want to be labelled as a sober alcoholic. I want to and will become a non-alcoholic. Whether that means not ever drinking alcohol at all or somewhere in the future being in complete control, unaddicted, able to enjoy a drink without any desire to get drunk. But I think that's been said before too.

I will however recommend this idea of blogging, keeping a journal of one's journey through fighting this addiction, whatever stage you're at, to anybody able to read and write. Whether it's public like mine or private and secret, I am finding this exercise of writing down my thoughts, feelings, ideas, stories and personal reasons for wanting to quit to be incredibly therapeutic and a massive relief. It's as if putting it all in writing takes the burden out of my head. And, to be honest, just a few days into sobriety, or non-drinking (I don't like that word "sobriety", it feels so clinical and institutionalized) I'm finding a creativeness with words unlike I was ever aware I had. People have often said I write well, and on Facebook I've often been referred to as a "Grammar-Nazi" because poor basic written English annoys me with great irritation, I realise unreasonably. But I'm really enjoying this. Once I start typing it just flows, and a little secret (shhhh), I might even turn this into a book someday, if it gets that far.

Anyway, the point is, I implore anybody in a similar circumstance to sit down and write about it, just let the words flow. If you do and you come back and tell me it it has NOT made you feel better, I'll punch myself in the face and send you a pic of the black eye! (Yeah don't bullshit now for a laugh!)


Ok, after the blow-up with the outlaw over opinions about the water bill, and the chat with the Tamster, I slapped together a cheese sandwich, loaded up my drum kit and left to head to the recording studio at my bass guitarists' house. I spent the rest of the evening tracking the drums for a fun new rock tune my band is working on called "Werewolf". I'll talk about the band another day. As usual Alan my hippie 64 year old bassist offered me some wine, I politely declined and took a glass of Coke instead. Strangely, I did not even miss drinking alcohol last night, I felt great for not drinking actually and noticeably enjoyed being sober with all my wits about me to pull off some cracking, tight AF (the other one!) drum beats. Driving home sober was a feeling of freedom I did not expect! I listened to some more of "This Naked Mind", in audiobook. It's actually an incredible book, it's an unexpected and practical, refreshing, modern way of thinking about alcoholism. I will break this addiction, and this book will be pivotal in that success.

So tonight is going to be the biggest challenge of this mission so far. After work I'm meeting some friends at the local pub, the Flaming Fox, a place I've consumed vast quantities of beer, tequila, etc over time. The one guy, Myles, a running buddy, and I usually chug down easily 10 liters of beer on a Friday night, like some unwritten competition, before I go home to club half a bottle of whiskey and turn Saturday into a complete waste. I've just noticed on our friends Whatsapp group it's turning into quite a crowd tonight. I've already told Myles I'll be there but I'll be a cheap date, no alcohol. You, whoever is reading this, has my word, I WILL NOT drink any alcohol this evening. To be honest, and this is peculiar, I'm not even worried about not drinking. In fact, quite the contrary, I am looking forward to socializing with drinkers and not drinking. Usually I'm the one who's too pissed to hold up an intellectual conversation or catch the jokes, tonight will be an interesting exercise watching my friends deteriorate into spluttering stumbling clowns. Ok, sorry, that's a rather hypocritical statement which I'll withdraw (but not delete because it's funny). Point is, 5 days sober and I'm going in to a drinking party in a familiar drinking hole. When I get home tonight I will compose my blog for day 5, and it will be clear whether I broke or not by the way my sentences are strung together...

Besides, I have a race on tomorrow!

Anyway, I've now spent the last hour writing this at work. My boss will have a hernia if he finds me blogging in working hours. So for now, cheers, have a brilliant Friday!

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As an afterthought, I just saw this on an Alcoholics Anonymous facebook group:

"My name is ****** and I am an alcoholic. I have abstained from alcohol for a long period of time twice in my life. The first time was for 4 and a half years. The second, for almost 2 years. Both times, it was due to falling in love. The moment my relationship ended I went back to alcohol. I did not understand why at the time but I do now. What I did was replace the alcohol with a relationship. That was only a temporary solution. Since my coming into AA again, I have learned that I can only replace alcohol with the AA way of life. Nothing else!"

Just my opinion, this guy's story is sad, but what I find quite depressing is the last statement, "Since my coming into AA again, I have learned that I can only replace alcohol with the AA way of life. Nothing else!" I'm sorry but there HAS to be more to life after alcohol than just the AA way of life. To me that sounds like a complete brainwashing. Again, no disrespect to the many people for whom the AA has worked to save them from alcoholism. But for me, I want to live my life free and alive, independent of alcohol or the label of being an alcoholic! I plan to live my life MY way by my own choices and mistakes, not the archaic AA way guided by the Big Book and accountable to a "sponsor", always a diseased alcoholic until death takes me from this world and thereafter I'll always be remembered as "Justin the Alcoholic, who quit drinking 45 years ago", and nothing else dignified!

Am I being arrogant by thinking this way? Am I going to be eating some humble pie for saying this?