Day 6

Saturday night. I'm at home with the family, quiet evening, nothing going on. Wife busy on the computer in the study, daughter and mother-outlaw busy in a bedroom. I'm pottering around bored silly, watched a movie, scoured Facebook in detail, whatsapped a few friends. There's a heavy storm pounding outside in the darkness...

Because of the weather this weekend I'm not running tomorrow, so I can lie in as late as I feel like.

You know what I would normally be doing right now? Without doubt or fail - DRINKING... drinking whiskey with maybe some beer to wash down the whiskey, deliberately, albeit mostly subconsciously, getting completely twatted! Shitfaced drunk! By now, 8.45pm I would be well past tipsy, I'd be in the idiot stage, probably blasting some hard rock on my headphones and singing or whistling or drumming on my desk and being a general nuisance. The family long since retreated to their rooms to avoid the irritation of the usual Friday or (sometimes AND) Saturday night drunken drama on a night like tonight. Of course tomorrow I don't remember much of my antics.

Instead, here I am quietly pounding away at my laptop keyboard talking to my blog and whoever happens to read this, quiet and well behaved, sipping away at a delicious hot chocolate my wife made and really actually enjoying it far more than neat cheap Scotch whiskey would taste right now!

YET, and here's the but, the reason I'm writing this right now is to admit that truthfully I am craving a drink worse than any other time in the six days since I last had one. No I certainly won't break and have a drink, partly because it's late and the liquor stores are closed, more so because I am determined to beat this beast into submission until it dies and fucks off out of my life back to the hell whence it came! Alcohol truly is an evil creation!

Still, being here, bored, irritated, as always feeling out of place in my own home, the thoughts and cravings for not just booze but an outright pissup are uncomfortably strong! I need to get drunk right now! Well that's what that gruff manipulative voice in my head is saying, almost chanting... "must get drunk... must get drunk... must get drunk..." and it does so in a way that somewhere in the midst of my conscious thought and subconscious instinct the rationale is that it's a good thing, it will be a pleasant relief from the unpleasantness that the same irrational mess in my head is rather convincing about!

I don't know if any of this is making sense, once again these words are just flowing out as they are being strung together in my unusually sober reasoning.

I do not want to drink, I have consciously decided this, so it's not going to happen because this has gone far enough to be strongly convincing enough to put the stakes at giving up too high. But like some kind of hidden psychological magnet, another living conscious force within my head, the desire to drink is driving, pushing, pulling, nagging, trying to chip away at reason until my conscious resolve capitulates and concedes defeat to the alcohol-thirsty beast within.

It is difficult, I won't lie, really difficult at times like this when that craving aches, and I can understand why so many people who are trying to quit buckle under the pressure and go back to the booze as if it's some immense relief, and at the time probably feels that way. The torment of the cravings to feed the relentless addiction are real and strong; throw in external stresses like relationship issues with loved ones, divorce, difficult kids, unsupportive friends & family, peer pressure to drink, social expectations, boredom, loneliness, insecurities, self-loathing etc, and of course it becomes impossible for many folks to fight this fight alone. I've said this before, alcoholism is a terribly dark and lonely place to be, no matter how many people we have around us. This is my experience, despite having a loving family and good friends I have felt trapped and alone in this wavering fog of alcoholism for a long time, most people around tend to just ignore what it really is, and of course as the alcoholics we also become masters at covering and hiding the problem so the true magnitude of the depth of our despair is never truly realised, until we choose to come out and speak up and seek help, or something tragic happens as a result of the drinking!

Personally, I think I'm lucky. Yes I have irritations in my life, discomforts and awkward situations, including my own anxiety. But I have a loving family, a roof over my head (though it's starting to show signs of leaking in this storm), a job, friends who respect my decision not to drink, other family who don't bother me much, the two Facebook groups of fantastic people in the same situation with alcohol, etc... I don't have overpowering external factors making this fight impossible without intervention, and I'm beginning to believe I'm going to make it out of this pit into the light of freedom. Freedom from being addicted to alcohol, with the full power and choice in my own control of whether or not I drink and how much to drink if I decide to. The decision will not be made by this subconscious desire and insatiable addiction that controls me now. That addiction will be dead! the decisions and choices will be completely my own!

Or am I talking a load of fantastical shite? At only 6 days sober who the hell do I think I am making statements like this? "I'm going to be freeeeee... bla bla bla..." Tell me to snap out of it if you like. But this is how my mind works, combination of ADD, anxiety and a non-stop brain like a full speed freight train full of wild imagination. This is why I'm loving this blogging thing, it's an outlet for the madness within to be unleashed on the world. If my experiences and thoughts can help somebody in anyway, then it's all worth it. And if it helps nobody but manages to provide some corny entertainment and a laugh or two then it's still a win!

News for the day, this morning I got my lazy ass out from under my covers of two duvets and 3 thick blankets at ridiculous-o'clock to go run that 15km race, in icy cold rain the entire way, starting in darkness. I didn't mind too much running in the rain, but as soon as you stop that cold quickly takes hold and freezes you to the core. There have been few times in my life I've been as cold as I was this morning, I got home soaked and frozen to the middle bone, had the longest scalding hot shower ever, despite serious water restrictions due to the drought in the catchment areas.

Being fitter and considerably thinner than previous years, I'm really not enjoying this winter. Without the natural blubber to keep warm the difference is noticeable. And I spent 8 years in London, the snowy icy winters there never bothered me. Cape Town doesn't get nearly as cold but it's almost unbearable right now. BUT, it could also be that I'm no longer constantly numb from booze so the nervous system is doing what it's supposed to.

Ok enough for tonight, I've spoken my craving away, so now I'm going to settle on the couch with the wife under a duvet and watch a movie.

Myles, Naz & Me at the Easterns AC race in Brackenfell, Cape Town.