Somehow I need to pull myself together and sort my shit out. I don't know how, but it's either that or throw in the towel, which I don't want. Fact is I need help. Again I don't know what or from where, and I don't quite know how to ask for it without making more of a humiliated ass of myself than I already have. I'm sick of worrying and being afraid and feeling sorry for myself and especially for being such a loser asshole.
I've got a gorgeous little girl who adores me and doesn't understand the personal hell I'm going through, nobody does. My wife knows I'm a miserable fuck but that's all she sees and then turns the focus onto her own worries and in the same breath insults me and tells me what an idiot I am. That is not quite the help I'm looking for. I don't want my marriage to end, but it doesn't feel like a marriage, it feels like I'm a hassle and a burden to my wife, she reminds me of that constantly both blatantly and with subtle indication. To a degree I understand her frustration as I'm not an easy bloke to deal with, but in the ideal world we should be supporting each other not just with lectures and speeches and sarcasm, or is it how it works?
Anyway I have had enough feeling sorry for myself, and feeling so alone. I need a game plan. But first I need to get finished editing and deliver these three jobs! And find a job. And quit drinking. And lose weight and get fit and healthy and start training for 2 Oceans. And and and...
Crap and there's my course too, which I'm not going to finish in time. I'm going to have to ask them very nicely for an extension without having to pay the R1500 which I simply cannot afford! Otherwise it's a forfeit!
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