Life

(This post was written a few weeks back, I haven't had the balls to post it, not like anybody is likely to read it anyway!)

Today has turned into another one of those days that are gracing themselves more and more often in my life in times of late.

The short of it – it’s a shit day with the weight of all my personal burdens just getting the better of my emotions and usual determination to remain positive, rendering me despondent, demotivated and depressed.

The long of it is my mind has been filled uncontrollably with thoughts that do not define the person that I am, thoughts of a permanent relief to the crushing weight of my problems. Like my Facebook status today said “This dark hole is getting so deep I can’t see the top anymore.” Which is how I feel on days like today, yet nobody understands.

Yes maybe I am feeling somewhat sorry for myself, and no I’m not looking for attention. I’m not arrogant or insecure like that, ie. threatening suicide to get people to notice me, it’s not an open advert. So why am I writing this here on this blog?... probably on some level it is a whimper for help, and I don’t know who to talk to so I’ll just talk to anybody who cares to read this, if anybody at all. I’ve always found it easier to write down my thoughts and feelings than discuss them openly because the page doesn't talk back or belittle me or insult me or argue, it just passively listens. Besides, any time I reveal any kind of emotional stress I get told I need to “see somebody”, ie a shrink. Sorry but I’m just not comfortable with being pushed into phoning the company-sponsored psychologist, a complete stranger, and blurting out all my personal problems and suicidal fantasies. It’s probably a combination of pride and embarrassment and shame at all my failures, but I just don’t see the point in exposing myself like that in such an impersonal way to somebody who doesn't know me. And I don’t see how it will solve my problems. Yet there is nobody else I can have a reasonable discussion with either, so I’ll stick to this medium of writing down how I feel in the hope that some brilliant idea will overwhelm me that will be my savior (and that does not imply any religious intervention, I’ve kind of lost faith in that regard too, praying and believing does not bring forth any solutions). Not that I’m sitting back waiting for free stuff, much like the mentality of the millions of b***k people in this country, no I’m prepared to work to succeed, but I don’t know what work to do that is going to get me out of this bottomless pit because nothing I do bears any fruit, in fact it genuinely feels like I just go backwards no matter how hard I try, with everything!

Even as I write this there’s something inside me that’s making me feel like a retard for the things I’m saying and thinking. I mean, surely it’s not that bad, there are people out there with much bigger problems.... that’s the guilt trip that my own conscience and no doubt other know-it-all’s will load onto me. Maybe so, but my own issues have gotten to the point where it’s too much for me to handle alone, I’m overwhelmed, depressed, and terrified at what my future holds and consequently what hardships my own failures will burden my dear family with unless some miracle comes my way, or I die and my family will at least get some financial relief through insurance pay-outs and not have me depressing them all the time with my bad moods and bleak financial future.

That’s the reality of what I’m battling with in my head and it’s making me miserable, especially on days like this when I get reminded of my own shortcomings by people who think their own shit doesn't stink. Eg, less than an hour ago my boss reminding me yet again that I’ll be out of a job soon because of my inadequate training. I do not show it but inside it is crushing, humiliating, degrading and incredibly hurtful. Similar feeling last night while editing photo’s when I’m struggling to make my images took good, let alone professional, and feeling like some progress is made, when a fellow photographer, who was photographing the same people at the same event produces images of a quality I do not come anywhere close to. I do not have the ability or the know how, let alone talent, to compete with that and it made me realise that without proper training, which I have neither the finances or time for, I don’t stand a chance! Yes I get jealous of people that can produce such mindblowing work because I also want to be like that, but being stuck in this rapidly deepening financial pit it is just not looking like a reality, not any time soon! Yet somehow I have to produce something out of my arse because I have 3 big jobs paid for already that needs to be delivered soon and the amount of work I face with my amateur skills is colossal. Each evening when I sit down with my editing after a long kak day at my soul-destroying day job and try to figure out ways of making my photo’s look great I sit there with blanks in my head, I simply don’t know how to make them look fantastic like other good photographers do, and I should be at that level by now. Then I get irritated, agitated, angry, demotivated and ultimately distracted, often ending up back in the bottle. I love love love photography with a passion, so why the fuck can I not produce images that portrays that? Why can’t I produce sharp, beautiful, colourful photos that make people go “wow”, like the photos that I see others producing??? My images are dull, fuzzy, grainy, incorrectly exposed and usually far too fucking orange! Hard as I try they just look shit, and there's only so much I can do in Lightroom to fix them! Don’t even talk about Photoshop – I know the real photo artists work in Photoshop but I simply don’t know how. A friend showed me a few tricks the other day, there was so much going on I don’t remember what or how she did it. And yes I could probably learn with a lot of trial and error practice, but right now I have shitloads of photo’s to produce that I just don’t have the time!

Add to that my course – it needs to be finished in 6 weeks’ time and it is simply not going to be done in time because I do not have the time to do it! So it’s going to cost me R1500 for an extension. I don’t have that kind of spare cash! It’s so disappointing because I like this course and I’ve been determined to finish it. So much in my life I started and never finished – I really want to finish this one and get that diploma. Somewhere I’ll have to produce the money for the extension, I just have to, or miraculously get the last 7 modules done by then!

I am determined to make a career out of photography, but why is it so difficult just to get the basics right? When I’m out of a job at the end of next month I had grand plans of going solo as a photographer, but I have realised that I need to find another dead end meaningless degrading low-end job in the corporate world because with the quality of work that I cannot produce I’m not going to be hired by the big spenders, the competition out there is just far too vast and superior! So there goes my dreams…

Unfortunately, thanks to deeper debt than I’ve ever known and huge monthly financial commitments I absolutely have to find a replacement income from February. This single fact is the cause of the majority of the stress and depression I’m going through, it’s a worry and a burden unlike I have ever felt before and the primary reason I have been having thoughts of suicide. Effectively I will be worth more to my family dead than alive, in fact alive I will be a burden on them. Not that I want to die, but lying in bed last night thinking about it the thought of dying almost felt like a kind of relief from the gut-wrenching soul-dissolving stress I’m under and seeing no way out of the fuck-up that my life has become and the loser that it’s resulted in. I am not and cannot seem to be the man that I want to be so now I feel small, insignificant, and worthless and I hate myself. Genuinely I do!

The fact that I’m losing my job because I’m not qualified enough, despite having being doing the job for over 5 years, is destroying me! These arrogant obnoxious corrupt ass licking motherfuckers in this company are working me out of the system and any chance of a career in this line because I don’t have the qualifications that compliment the ego of the poes who has taken it upon himself to play god in this institution and I refuse to be one of his tail of bum lickers. So I have to go. It’s a grossly unfair situation, and as these kunts have said I will not find another job in the same line of work because of my lack of tertiary education. I feel betrayed and discriminated against because I have done a good job here, I’ve been loyal and a good asset to the company and I wanted to stay here long term because of the potential benefits to study through the company. I’ve sucked up the shit the ego-bashers have fed me for three fucking years in the hope of securing a permanent job but the new boss in town would rather boost his own ego with a team of over-qualified like minded arrogants to do the mindless repetitive work that I am fully capable of doing. It’s fucked up and completely degrading and if I didn't need this salary to the very last day I would walk out here today and save what’s left of my dignity. But I can’t do that, I am forced to continue wasting my time, pride and life in this, what has now become, a shit-hole, and suck it up until the end of January; at which point if I do not have an alternative income one of two things will happen – I put my house on the market so the bills can be paid, or my life comes to an end so the debts can be paid out by insurance and my family will be financially sound for the foreseeable future. I desperately don’t want either of those scenarios to play out, and if there is any glimmer of hope for some other opportunity that presents itself in my whiskey pickled brain I will take it with open arms for the sake of providing for my family!

Which brings me to the next colossal fuck-up of my life – alcoholism! My alcoholic addiction which still controls me, my life, my family, my health and my future or lack there-of. I've written in depth about this many times in the past and nothing has changed, I still binge drink regularly to the point of total inebriation then feel like shit in a puddle the whole of the next day. I hate this addiction, I hate being drunk and I hate being hungover and useless, but most of all I despise the time and productivity that gets lost because I’m either drunk or hungover. With everything else on my plate these days I've actually given up trying to fight it and just go along with satisfying the urge to drink every few days as it grabs me. It’s an impossible thing to fight alone and I don’t see any practical means of help or support so it will just have to continue until such time as it kills me (which I don’t mind the idea of right now) or, again, some miracle happens, which with my luck is not going to happen.

As of the last few weeks there is another thing which has greatly compounded my depression – my health! Once again I am grossly overweight, unfit, lazy and unhealthy, and I feel absolutely disgusting and revolted in myself. I feel sick when I see myself in the mirror, almost back to my size and ugliness of the days before I put in all that effort to lose weight (20kg) a year ago. Every day I say to myself I must do something – go to gym, go for a run, eat healthy. But every day I come home feeling down from another humiliating day at work, I feel tired, and daunted by the task of all the photo work to do for the rest of the night. My daily excuse is I don’t have the time, but in reality I feel lazy and ashamed to go out in public looking like I do all over again. And of course I’m always hungry, so I eat. And what do I eat – fucking junk! Because it’s easy and cheap. Right now with my absolute lack of any spare cash I simply cannot afford to eat the healthy stuff that contributed to my fantastic health and weight loss a year ago, so every day it’s carbs, starch, sugars, fats and all things cheap and unhealthy. For this reason of the way I look now and the path my life has taken I really really hate the useless person I am now.

Then there’s Christmas! It’s the worst time of year because it costs more money than any other time of the year. All the time and money spent shopping for gifts trying to match up to people’s expectations is something I don’t believe in. If I could afford it then it would be a lot more fun - I can’t afford it. But obligations still need to be met and whatever the means the costs need to be covered for fair contribution and come January we sit in more financial trouble than ever before! It was so much easier living in the UK and doing Christmas there. Got a gift for my wife and had lovely phone-calls with the family on Christmas day and got on with life hassle free with some change left in the pocket. This year is just the worst – I’m broke as it is, and with the prospect of not knowing how I will support my family in less than two months, this is going to be my worst Christmas ever.

But hopefully my little girl will enjoy it, that is the one thing that will make it special.

There are loads of other things that are getting me down too but I've run out of time to list them, my lunch break is over so I need to get back to Autocad drawings. Besides, after this long mope and rant I feel somewhat relieved, at the same time idiotic for coming out like such an insecure wimp. It’s not who I want to be.

I don’t know what to do to make all this better. My future looks dark and I need some answers, I just don’t know what to do…

Despite all this doom and gloom in my life there are still two things that are like beacons of light and happiness in the dankness – my wife and daughter, Liezel and Tammy. If it weren't for them I don’t know where or what I would be now, if anything at all. They keep me going, they are the reason I fight on.

Meantime, tonight I will drink again, I really need a drink today!

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So following on from the story above (written this time yesterday), I did indeed get wasted again last night, and did it with fury and it was good. Needless to say I got little editing done again.

Today is even more drama, I've landed myself in a fight with my mother and subsequently my brother, both of whom it seems are smoking the same shit because they are mad, and seriously gunning for me over something stupid! Basically, a few months back mom asked me to build her a braai in exchange for the telephoto lens she gave me. Fine, great deal, all good. A few weeks back I committed to doing the work this weekend on Saturday and Monday, which was fine, no objections from mom. The deadline was Christmas, she would have got her braai by Christmas. This week I've been planning and looking around for materials, yesterday she asked me what the plan is and how much it's going to cost. This morning I suggested a ballpark worst case scenario figure of R2000. She stripped her moer and told me it's too expensive and I should not worry. Suddenly little brother is chipping in that I'm being stubborn and I should pay half because of the value of the lens, etc. I'm like, what the fuck did I do to deserve that? So they can all get fucked! I will give the lens back, much as I love it, I won't be held to ransom and put up with these petty guilt trips because mom is throwing a tantrum! Fuck that, I've got enough to worry about, as you may have noticed from the text above!

Never in my life have I been this stressed. This morning again wife & I had gut wrenching discussions about the money, or complete lack there-of. We are so deep in the shit financially, and the fact that I'm losing my job soon is terrifying, I get knots or butterflies, whatever you call that feeling in the stomach every time I think about it and sometimes I can feel my heart going apeshit in my chest. This burden and worry is going to be the end of me, whether by heart attack or pushing me to the limits. I have always believed I'm a stronger person than taking one's own life, it's a cowardly thing to do, but how much can a man take? Surely we all have a breaking point because sometimes I feel close. The weight of burden is just getting heavy. And fuck anybody that says things like "you're luckier than many people, there's people with bigger problems than yours, stay positive, there is a solution, have faith that you will get through this, etc, etc". You don't fucking know what I'm going through or how hard all this is for me! I suck at everything I try, I have failed as a man and I have nothing to offer the world or my family despite a lifetime of trying! Fuck the bullshit of being a quitter, etc, I'm not a quitter but I am losing faith and hope that I will ever be successful at anything! My photography - mediocre, my drumming - I'm not a good drummer, etc. Things I love doing, yet I can't be good at! My job - something I can do in my sleep yet I'm losing out to corporate politics under the premise that I'm not good enough because I don't have a piece of paper that says I am! 

I hate being such an angry person, I hate feeling so down and depro and constantly worried and afraid and inferior to everybody around me! I hate it and I'm fucking sick of it! I feel like shit because of other people and it's making hate humanity. I wish I could just take my camera and my computer and disappear alone into the bush, away from people and their bullshit, alone with wild Africa, one of my biggest loves in life, a love so far away and financially impossible to enjoy. But I would be happy being alone in the wild with a camera. Though I'll need to invest in a new zoom lens since I'm giving the one I have back to my mother to clear my conscience.

It saddens me to the core that I've come to hate life this much, not life itself because being alive should be wonderful, but my own life sucks, really it does. I'm feeling horribly sorry for myself and that makes me feel weak and cowardly and solidifies the fact that I'm a failure. I don't want to feel like this or be this person, and I don't want to throw in the towel and give it all up, but I also don't know how to get back up and out of this impossible hole. It's so deep and dark down here. What the fuck am I supposed to do?

What the fuck am I supposed to do???

Don't worry, I'll still be here tomorrow and the next day, probably still bitching about my problems, but I don't have the balls to end my own life so I'll just stick around and drag my family through the mud that is my mess of a life until someday they wake up and move on to find greener pastures.