Suck!

I fucking hate my life right now. I am afraid to think how much worse it can get and to be honest I don't want this pathetic excuse for an existence anymore. No I'm not drunk, I'm trying to give that bullshit drinking up. Who knows, maybe it will last 3 days, a week, a month, before I hit the bottle and fuck up properly again like I did so well on new years eve. After my stupidity that night again I actually walked away in my drunken stupor and walked through the bush and swamps in the night for about 10km, new years fireworks exploding in the distance. I had no intention of coming back. But after waking up somewhere in the bush shivering with cold, bugs crawling over me, I headed back to my daughter, freezing, tired, sore and thirsty. Nobody is even aware of what I put myself through that night, all they see is the asshole that can't handle his booze and fucked up yet again. Maybe they thought I ran off to sit in a pub or something. Honestly, who cares. It's a very lonely place!

Fact is my future looks bleak and I'm a miserable sod with very little enjoyment in life, some of which was cut off again today when my wife cut the dstv subscription. Now this house is like darker and quiet. It's a simple thing, but the TV is like a central point, a means of relaxing and distraction. It's just become a more unpleasant place to be.

2013 started off horribly and it's only getting worse and with my impending job loss is going to become a nightmare. I wish I didn't have to carry on, and if it weren't for Tammy I would not.

But like I said - who gives a shit!