5 days of a frustrated ex-smoker

Right now exactly 5 days ago at 13h20 I killed my last smoke, as you may have read so dramatically in my last post, so I have now been a non-smoker for 5 days and for now it has become really difficult, especially at work. During a normal working day I used to take frequent smoke breaks, not just for the sake of smoking but also as a break from my mind-numbingly boring work and to stretch my legs and get my blood moving, and some feeling back in my arse which goes quite numb after a few hours sitting on it! The smoke breaks broke the boredom and gave my brain a much needed break.

So the last two days at work have been particularly frustrating because I have been craving quite severely! I understand that theoretically it's that physical nicotine addiction, or the "monster" in my belly, starving for a fix and going crazy with hunger so it's ripping at my mind trying everything to convince me to have a smoke, making me think about it constantly and working hard at forcing my sub conscience to instinctively send me outside to find a cigarette!

The cravings are frustrating, and highly annoying, making me irritable and restless and at times ridiculously short tempered.

But I know it's just that starving nicotine monster getting insanely desperate, as would any creature desperately hungry and delusional with the aggressive need to survive!

The first day or two it was like the proverbial itch that just needed a scratch. It's way beyond that now, I can almost feel the claws and teeth ripping away at my insides as the beast within thrashes around in desperation to get fed, to be sated and soothed with a cigarette and a good calming dose of nicotine! I know that would be the easy relief to this frustration, and in a way it would be nice, a blissful relief!

But that's just the psychological perception and not any kind of physical reality, and all it would serve to do would be to start the problem all over again and revive the need to constantly desire a cigarette to keep the beast fed with every reason and excuse in the book as to why I "need" the next cigarette, while in essence those cigarettes do absolutely nothing for me, other than to continue ruining my life, both physically, mentally and socially!

No no no, I will not go back to smoking not even one little harmless looking cigarette, I will not succumb to temptation. After all, it only took that first drag of that first cigarette 18 years ago to get me hooked on a lifetime of nicotine addiction, an unwitting slave, unknowingly allowing those harmless looking little cigarettes to control my life and personality, and dictate the person I would be for 18 years!

I have also realised that smoking has gradually and progressively fuelled my alcohol addiction without my realising, like an evil little motivator! Sounds strange to come up with something seemingly so absurd, but I'm quite sure of it! The urge to drink is not as strong without the prospect of having the cigarette involved. The two clearly go hand in hand, like destructive, soul-destroying, conniving, anti-social partners in crime breaking me down and overcoming my sense of reality and responsibility. But like bullies on the playground, strong and arrogant in numbers, but weak and cowardly if caught on their own, so now I'm thinking the pull of the alcohol will be a lot weaker without the added muscle of it's ally, the little Peter Stuyvesant.

But in the meantime I will continue to fight this urge to smoke until it goes away, which I'm sure will be soon. I don't need the cigarette, and that Allen Carr session last week taught me to think about why I don't need, or want a smoke, and why that little green beast will try make me think and even feel otherwise! Earlier when I was really getting irritable I took a walk, much to the amusement of my colleagues, out into the fresh air and around a huge university residential complex for 15 minutes, and that really helped to ease the craving!

By Friday, after 7 days, the nicotine addiction should be dying significantly, and in 2 weeks after that should be completely dead and gone. I just need to be strong and stick it out until then to be home free! at the moment it's peaking, I can feel it, it will get easier soon!

My only concern is I have not lost (or gained) any weight since I quit smoking. I do find I've been eating a little more, though not anything unhealthy or in large quantities, and I'm still exercising furiously. So that's a bit disheartening as my weight should still be going down, and I've disappointingly realised I won't reach my weight target by Christmas. The consolation is that in January when the year end functions have died down and I'm too broke to have too many unhealthy "treats" I'll catch up, but in the meantime I've scored a great victory in my battle to get healthy in that I successfully quit smoking, before I'd intended to even try!