Day 3

Cravings are shit!

Right now I'm going crazy! It's only 3 measly days since the last drink, it's also the longest I've been without a drink in ages, months! I'm quite ashamed to admit that morbid fact, but that's the point of this - to admit to the darker facts around this life of alcoholism, honesty, to contrast the ugliness and damage against the life that could be, could have been, that's been missed out on for so long. I suppose one small blessing is I simply cannot remember all the doom and gloom of being drunk, but then realistically that is all time, countless hours of my life lost, blacked out, wiped out and wasted. Our life spans are limited, really quite short, and if it were possible to calculate the time lost to the dark fog of alcoholism (referring to being drunk, not just casual moderate drinks) it will probably work out to a shockingly large percentage of my total time alive since birth to death! Add in the time lost to nursing hangovers, fuzzy conversations the day after through a throbbing headache, unnecessary fuck-ups at work, turning away people we love to feel sorry for ourselves alone, wasted Saturdays or Sundays spent lazying around being completely useless because of yet another massive binger the night before... it's a lot of life lost and wasted! Thinking about all this as it flows from my head right now I have to admit it just seems utterly stupid! What a ridiculously dumbass and depressing realization - so much of my life has been lost to that evil poison, time that can never be reclaimed! Alcohol truly makes us stupid!

(You want to know a little about me, this article is like looking in a mirror at a female version of myself. Anxiety is definitely a dominant personality trait of yours truly: What its like to live with high functioning anxiety.)

Today's entry admittedly is coming out sounding rather down and depro, it's echoing the way I'm feeling this evening. I do apologise for the sense of humour failure. I'll try to explain... the usual triggers which usually brings the whiskey bottle to the lips abound in force tonight! I came home craving like crazy, usual minor end of day irritations on arriving home just seem compounded today. I lost my temper with the wife over something petty, when her and her mother gang up on me over shit like the fucking budgies cages aren't cleaned I lost my temper unreasonably and stormed out. It took some harsh internalization and reality check to remind myself of the mission and it's importance, and to NOT go strait to the pub. The desire to drink was incredibly strong, the alcohol monster was shouting. But I didn't, I calmed, waited for the wife and we went to the shop to get dinner instead. I didn't appreciate the boxes of wine being snuck into the trolley, the words "unfair" and "unsupportive" came to mind, but I kept quiet and accepted that is selfish sentiments on my part. Having full support at home would be a big help in this battle, ie. an alcohol free house, but I accept that I'm the one with the drinking problem, not them, it feels like expecting solidarity will be punishing the "moderate" drinkers for my sins. So i'll keep quiet and keep it to myself. In fairness, they do tend to not drink in front of me this week, I think they appreciate that I go to bed early then they can indulge guilt free.

Other triggers currently, the worst, as always, boredom! If not for typing up this blog I'd be going mental. Wife & mother-outlaw have the lounge and TV watching their soapies on full volume for most of every evening which irritates me far more than I care to show. Being in Africa, many of the shows are in various African languages with English subtitles. I can't see the screen so I'm just listening to this loud annoying yabba yabba bla bla, none of which I can understand. I feel like the stranger in my own house, like one of the dogs that must just shut up and stay out the way of the women doing their thing, often squabbling, 3 generations arguing or loudly debating from across the house, or yelling at the dogs, or barking orders at me, etc etc. My life does not involve any much needed peace and quiet time in my own home, so I escape the noise and boredom by either running or drinking or both (drinking after running of course). As for running, it's bloody freezing here at the moment, going out to run is not appealing, and besides right now it feels like I've completely lost my mojo. It's probably got to do with the no-drinking, I just don't feel like bothering, it's easier to stay inside and lazy and feeling sorry for myself for missing my booze. But I know I HAVE to get moving again soon, I'm getting lazier and fat, fast. That is proving to be the other setback to not drinking, after only 3 days the food consumption is becoming a problem, for which a management plan of action needs to be composed and activated soon to set up an active balance between eating right and exercising! Maybe after a few days this non-drinking thing will settle somewhat, I'll find some energy levels again and get into a healthier routine. But for today - fuck that, I feel like shit, unhappy, and hungry (dinner is still a long way off!) Today the sulk is master, pity party with my Coke Zero; tomorrow will be better...

Most likely, it's just  that my monster is thirsty and pissed off for not getting it's drink and taking it out on my mind and emotions. But this nasty bastard can just shut it's foul life-sucking trap, it's not getting a drink. I am going to learn to tame this beast and eventually kill it!

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In other news, my daughter is home from holidays at her grandparents. Really good to have her back, but of course she's back in front of her computer watching her shows on YouTube, etc like the rest of us don't exist. It's only allowed now on a weeknight because it's school holidays. It's cool, she's home safe, and daddy's back full time now, we have plenty of time.

For now, I'm going to plug in some headphones and listen to another chapter of This Naked Mind, waiting for dinner. Wife asked Tammy what she wants as a welcome home dinner, she asked for roast chicken! Could be a while still...

Anyway, thanks for listening to my miserable rant, I do feel better from writing this, and the craving is gone, for now. Monster is sleeping.

Tomorrow I might be quiet. I have a trail run with my club after work then I'm going through to the recording studio to lay the drum tracks for a new tune my band is working on. And that's another regular drinking situation to break - band nights. Too many times I've ended the session trashed, and still drive home 30km in that state from Durbanville to Table View. It will be nice to do it sober for a change, if my bassist can take no for an answer to his usual generous offers of box wine!

G'night!

Day 2

Yeah don't laugh, it's only been two days without a drink and the cravings were out with some bigger artillery this evening. Couple of familiar triggers aiming their barrels at me... sitting in traffic; one of my severe pet hates in life is sitting in traffic. We all get a little impatient sitting in traffic but for me it's a massive frustration. I have adult ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder), and some people have suggested I get medicated for anxiety because I am, and I know I am, an abnormally anxious person. The perfect ready made reason (excuse) to drink copiously, and I use that one to the max. Every day I get home from work and I'm pissed off with having dealt with another hour of every dimwit driving a motor vehicle in the country being on my journey home, and trust me, they drive badly here in Africa! It drives me mental, today was no different, compounded by a frustrating argument with the wife... the thoughts of whiskey were big!

But, fortunately, being Tuesday it's also our weekly afternoon run with my running club, which I was already running late for, as usual, because fate being the asshole she is, traffic on a Tuesday is always worse, like they're ALL out to grate my goose to a temper explosion!

I made it just in time for my run, then all was fine! It was freezing out there tonight and a bit breezy but it was another spectacular sunset run on the beachfront overlooking Table Bay. Kite surfers and paddle boarders were out, lots of other folks running, walking, skateboarding, etc, along the promenade; the usual smell of weed wafting around and the pubs and bars on the beachfront, many of which I've frequented often, were bustling with pisscats, many of whom would be driving home wasted later on, as I've done many times too. (Honesty here, right!)

I only did a slow, lazy 7.5km run tonight, it was cold and I felt lazy, I think I left my mojo in my last bottle of whiskey. This concentrating on being sober and fighting the cravings is exhausting work. Which brings us to my next familiar trigger - post run drinks with the running club, which my club shares with the local lifesavers club house, the bar is always open to us on club days and the booze is cheap. It's been a long time since I did NOT have a drink or 17 at the club after a run. Tonight I did not. I was offered a beer by two people, when I declined their jaws nearly hit the floor. The barman I think was the most surprised, and clearly not impressed. Tuff shit, I said goodbye shortly after my run and ducked out of there because the temptation was like a physical force that would have won had I given it the chance. Tonight I won the battle in this 100 day war!

Came home, it was a great surprise to find dinner already made, chicken lasagna, wolfed down a bowl with some ghost pepper sauce (I'm a chilli fanatic, long story for another day) that produced more sweat than my beach run earlier! Love it. And cravings for booze subdued and bedded for the night!

So a bit of news, there's a book about tackling alcoholism that was recommended to me by a lady, author of Lose Da Booze blog, on one of the Facebook groups I've been active on, the book is called This Naked Mind, by Annie Grace. I've been reading the e-book and so far it's fantastic. Today I found the Audiobook version so I can listen in the car or at work with headphones. What is refreshing is the book is not about the Alcoholics Anonymous method, which I don't like, from what I can tell it's more about changing the way we understand and think about alcohol; unlike the AA which teaches us that alcoholism is a disease that we're forever stuck with, we will always be alcoholics, in recovery. This book's method seems to work on a concept of changing our mindsets so we will not need or desire alcohol. It's kind of like the Allen Carr book to quit smoking by changing the way we perceive smoking. As a lifelong smoker, completely skeptical to any kind of hocus pocus bullshit, I read this book and quit smoking, just like that. For me it genuinely worked, I haven't smoked since or craved a cigarette after that initial 2 weeks of "starving" the addiction, I don't miss it and quite honestly repulsed by the smell of cigarettes these days. I was a pack a day smoker for 20 years until the day I finished reading the book. My last cigarette a deliberate and an emotional moment that I cried. After I stubbed out that smoke I knew it was finished and a massive burden was lifted from my life in a moment! IF Annie Grace's book works on a similar concept then I believe it will work for me, and I'm excited about the idea of not craving or wanting or needing an alcoholic drink, the way i have done every day for many years. Sure, it does still seem somewhat far-fetched. This is a much tougher addiction to kick than nicotine, but as a heavy smoker I kicked that habit easy enough, because I wanted to. Surely ditching the booze will not be much worse. But, like the book says in the Introduction chapter, the hardest part will be the "herd mentality", the social aspect, peer pressure. To be of a strong enough mindset to overcome that, to not feel the need or desire to drink out of social expectation and not be bothered by any negative reactions to my choices, will be a victory! Pivotal battle won, to conquer the social stigma of drinking alcohol!
Booya!

One of the aspects to the AA which I find quite intimidating, as alluded to above, is the old-school club mentality, once an alcoholic always an alcoholic, and us alcoholics will stick together and forever more admit to being alcoholics and celebrate sobriety "birthdays", etc. No offence intended to anybody in the AA for which the AA has worked for them. But I'm on DAY 2 of my sobriety, yet reading the comments on the AA facebook page and people are celebrating lifetimes, like 35 years, sober birthdays, like it was yesterday! I mean, 35 years is a bloody long time since you've had a drink, SURELY there comes a point where you can safely say you're over it and no longer need to be labeled an alcoholic? I'm sorry but if that's how the AA works, it's not for me! I intend, possibly naively, to break out of the addiction. I don't believe I will never drink again, because never is forever, from now until death, I'm not sure I want that. What I don't want is to be a drunk, to have a drink and go balls to the wall uncontrollably until I'm paralytic. I want to learn to control this, to be able to have a glass of Champagne at the Christmas table, have a beer or two with friends around a braai (BBQ) when the rugby's on without getting drunk, to not feel the need to binge drink, or drink at all on weeknights or any other time that a drink is not required. I don't want to be labeled as a recovering alcoholic for the rest of my life, unable to touch a drink in fear of ridicule, nor do I want to be regarded as the local drunk, pissed at every occasion. I just want to be normal, to be able to enjoy a drink like a normal person, and not be a drunk!

Is that even possible?

I guess time, and Annie Grace will tell!

Tomorrow my gorgeous daughter comes home from her holidays with grandpa, my dad. She's coming home to find her daddy is a new man. I will be spending a lot more quality time with that awesome kid from here on. She deserves to have a coherent, attentive, sober dad.

Tammy will not see me drunk again!

Have an awesome evening y'all.

Day 1

Home on a Monday night and sober. It's been a long time since that's happened. It's not a fact that I'm proud to admit, but this blog is all about honesty, facing up to this cruel addiction and the life I've lived around alcohol for so long, and doing something to fix it!

So this is day one, almost a full day since my last drink according to my Sober Time app, though admittedly it's not exactly right, I estimated my last drink to be around 9.30pm last night, but I was so twatted I don't remember the exact time, or even going to bed, or anything after about 7pm, so that's a rough guess. But that was a deliberate pissup as my farewell to the booze, I've donated the rest of my bottle of Bells to my resident mother-in-law on condition I do not see it. Out of sight... no not out of mind, it will be a while before I am no longer constantly thinking about sucking on that poison for pleasure!

Another of my reasons for tanking it up hard last night was the inevitable hangover I've been nursing today, I deliberately wanted to feel it as a bad one as a reminder of what "joys" drinking brings, and well it worked, I have suffered today, but I've consciously been enjoying the thought that I won't have to go through another day like this again, at least not for the next 99 days. My personal 100 days expires on the 18th October. Having a finite period of tackling this sobering up business is far more mentally manageable than "forever". Right now it's impossible to say what my attitude and mindset towards drinking will be on the 18th October, but the hope is that by then I'll be over the worst of the craving and will have made such great progress with the running, pushing to reach some tough personal running goals, that I'll not want to drink again, albeit for a short period before taking on the next 100 day challenge. Still, in my pickled brain 100 days certainly seems possible, whereas the thought of "forever" scares the crap out of me!

Regarding "how's it going"? Right now I am craving, but it's not too bad because I've had dinner. Usually if I eat it takes away the desire to drink, often at a party once my belly is full of food I don't drink much after that. On the contrary, usually if I'm drinking I don't eat for exactly that reason, as if this alcohol monster in my gut convinces my brain that I "want" to drink so I "do not want" to eat! Of course the danger of this theory and eating to ease the booze cravings is I'm GOING TO GET FAT if it's not controlled! Replace the booze with food and soon my running shoes will run away! The plus side of course is that without drinking the running too is going to increase drastically. I hope!

Anyway, before dinner, that period between getting home and eating, it was strong, the beast withing was shouting loudly to get its fix of the golden Scottish nectar it's convinced my blurry brain that we love in copious volumes!

But the monster is sulking quietly now, it will not get that fix tonight! Or tomorrow, etc.

Just a little side snippet of interesting technology, I posted earlier on the AA group, in jest, the following: "I do think sometimes that Facebook is an asshole! So many of the "sponsored" posts and ads are alcohol related! Doesn't Zucky know we're alcoholics trying to get off the booze and they keep taunting us with booze products, pub quiz competitions, etc. Not very responsible advertising algorithms!"

Somebody responded with info about a Chrome browser extension that allows you to completely control what you see on Facebook, eg, removes all the "Sponsored" ad boxes, you can avoid certain topics, switch off things like game & app requests, limit what menu's you can see, etc, just about every aspect of Facebook can be controlled. You can even see who unfriends you, if that interests you! I love applications like this. It's called Fluffbuster Purity. Seriously cool!

I have another confession - I'm getting lazy! Since the Comrades marathon on 4th June I've been battling to get back into the running again. I meant to run or go to gym this evening, but I just don't feel like it. The cold wet winter weather outside is also de-motivating. But, seeing as I've admitted this publicly, I will now also commit to dragging my lardy ass out of bed half an hour earlier tomorrow at 4.30am and hit the treadmill for a 5km trot. If anybody is reading this, and you remember tomorrow, ask if I got up for my 5km run. Either way I promise to answer honestly, and if I say no, you have permission to bollock me properly for being useless! The usual excuse of being drunk or hungover will no longer fly, there HAS to be more running to avoid the alcohol monster being replaced by the blubberous beast of gluttony!

Hahahahaha...

Thanks for reading, have a fantabulous evening!

A new beginning, a new life story.

Hello and welcome. Again.

This old blog is becoming like an old Volkswagen Beetle standing unused in a backyard shed, forgotten and rusty, every now and again taken out, dusted off and cranked up for another smoking noisy spin around the block and then parked reluctantly in it's dirty shed and left forlornly without the proper attention it deserves, until dragged out again next time as another short lived bright idea.

Maybe this proves to be another one of those times but the intention is certainly for this blog to come alive and become active daily again, the purpose being once again a tool in my personal battle for sobriety. Yeah, strait to the point - I want to try once more to claw my way out of the darkness in this ever deepening pit of loneliness called alcoholism, to find freedom and life again. I say "again", I don't even remember what life was like before alcoholism took over my entire world so many years ago, around the age of 18, not even out of school yet. The journey of how it all started and grew is another long story which I'll delve into another rainy day; it will take a lot of soul searching and digging through long ago faded archive of memories which for now are merely occasional brief flashbacks.

See, I have known for a long time, years, that I have a problem with alcohol, I have accepted this and in my heart have wanted to break free of the disease all along, and there have been times, some of which are mentioned earlier in this blog, where I have feebly attempted to stop drinking, with much self-loathing and attention seeking self-pity. Of course that was not going to last and the whiskey always won and claimed back my life for it's own evil grasp, back into the wavering fog of alcoholism until the next feeble attempt to stop for a few days, as if the alcohol is alive and taunting, teasing, knowing it would always win with the last laugh.

One of the biggest setbacks in my personal fight with alcohol is that alcoholism really is a sad, dark, lonely place. Yes sure it's often a social activity, there are always people around, many are aware that I'm an alcoholic but nobody ever says it, like most of society, people quietly turn a blind eye to an alcoholics problem, either through genuine ignorance or deliberate "head in the sand" syndrome, pretending not to notice. The easier response is judgement, condemnation and ridicule, if any at all. My wife and mom are the only two people who ever say anything against my drinking, and unfortunately it's seldom constructive or positive, often simply angering me to want to drink more through feeling embarrassed or insulted. Everybody else just drinks along merrily or simply ignores  when I'm blind drunk at the party, way more tanked than anybody else, until I become a problem by falling around, causing shit with bouncers, etc, none of this I can ever remember doing of course. I always get by far the most drunk at socials with my regular friends, all of whom drink too. Justin ALWAYS gets shitfaced... why... because along with the social beer or whiskey/soda, glass of wine in hand, I also sneakily (or often openly) swig neat whiskey straight out the bottle at regular intervals, or at bars I'm slamming a tequila with every round. The most fucked up thing of all, and now when I'm sober I cringe at the thought, is that often I still drive after drinking, sometimes with my wife and daughter in the car, often I wake up and cannot even remember driving home, and that realization terrifies me every time. Then the guilt that follows with the belittling lecture of irresponsibility from my wife brings on feelings of anger, guilt, stupidity and absolute self-hatred, and that makes me want to drink again! Being made to feel stupid and worthless is a trigger for the desire to drink. The drunken arrogance insists that I can handle driving just fine, and fortunately until now I have not been in an accident or been stopped by the police and busted DUI, but I know that is just lucky. God may have been ignoring my countless prayers over the years to help me stop drinking, but He has certainly kept us safe! Unfortunately though, everybody's luck runs out sooner or later and I know that if this drinking and driving does not stop as in NOW something terrible could happen!

The other frightening aspect to alcoholism is knowing that my beautiful intelligent daughter is growing up watching her dad being drunk and disorderly all the time. The repercussions of this influence on her life, I know, could be disastrous, there are a string of consequences which could come from her growing up with a drunk father. This is one of the, if not THE strongest deciding factors pushing me to a decision to sober up.

Two paragraphs earlier I was alluding to the fact that alcoholism is lonely, for me it really has been. I have tried the AA, going to a few meetings here in Table View (Cape Town, South Africa) a few years back, and that didn't work for me. I felt like an outsider in an established clique of old school recovering alcoholics of a different sort, I felt out of place and intimidated and barely noticed. The idea of the Big Book (whatever that is), the 12 complicated steps and the whole turning all my faith to God to save me from myself... it put me off, and I doubt anybody there even noticed that I never returned. I left there and went back to my bottle, alone and feeling sorry for myself all over again. It was almost a relief to be back in my beloved booze. Since then it's been the same lonely place.

But recently I've been looking around for options, support groups, help of some sort. From what I can tell there is nothing in my area besides the AA that I will not likely return to, unlike drugs where there is help everywhere, but I have been finding groups on Facebook, full of people like me, in the same situation who have been through or are going through the same thing, the same feelings, emotions, broken lives, desperation to escape the bottle, as I have. Two groups in particular I have found have been fantastic, the people there are inspiring, encouraging, helpful, sympathetic, and positive. Ordinary people with no commercial or self-righteous agenda's to try and bible bash other members, etc. People battling alcohol just like me, some successfully, some not so much, everybody with the same end goal. They are complete strangers, mostly on the other side of the planet. These people on simple inconspicuous Facebook groups have made me realise I am no longer alone! These are people who are interested in my story because theirs is similar, I feel like I can share, ask questions, moan when it's tough or help others who struggle. No judgement or condemnation! I didn't believe this existed!

I now have a renewed motivation to try again, to break the grip and escape this monster controlling my life called alcohol. I want to and I am going to!

One of the two groups I'm referring to above is centered around a 100 day sobriety challenge. Having read the testaments of the other members over the last few days I am inspired and confident that with their encouragement and support I can do this.

Today, I have decided, I will have a drink, a farewell of sorts, probably to the point of the usual paralytic blackouts and not remembering half the night. But that's it, finished, tomorrow I start the 100 day challenge. 100 days of zero alcohol.

A month ago I ran the Comrades marathon, 87km of tough uphill running over 12 hours, it was the hardest thing I've ever done, I had doubts about whether I'll make it despite all my training, I think most people I know, including my running club mates, didn't think I'd make it in the cut-off time, but I did, with time to spare. That feat of personal endurance was nothing compared to what this mammoth mountain will be to climb, quitting alcohol even just for 100 days is going to be by far the most difficult accomplishment of my life! But finishing Comrades has given some personal hope of having a realistic chance at beating this beast and winning!

Wish me luck...

Slave Route Challenge half marathon - 14 May

Winter is definitely kicking in because the early morning starts are getting ridiculously cold before sunrise. And of course the races are starting later. This one, the Slave Route Challenge, kicked off at a respectable 7am, just before sunrise. I drove through to this one, with Myles, Leon and Obertina for passengers, we got to the city at around 5.45am, early enough to get a decent parking on the Grand Parade close to the start in Darling Street adjacent to the City Hall.

As always there were plenty of West Coasters, lots of familiar faces. It really is a fantastic club full of awesome friendly people all keen and willing to support each other in running, it's always good chatting to this lot and there's always encouragement and well wishes for running. Like a big happy alcoholic family with a running problem.

Oh yeah, 20 days to Comrades 2017!

Off topic - I do not know why I'm writing this blog about running races, or how long it will continue. Like everything in my life it's probably just another phase that will fade away soon enough because of the effort involved, but until then, so this shall continue. I'm not even sure why I just wrote this paragraph, other than I'm simply weird like that. The ADD in me brings out strange scenarios sometimes.

Anyway, it was a great race, well organised and a fantastic vibe on the road. The famous Koesister Hill (Pentz drive up into BoKaap) did not disappoint. The Muslim ladies were out in force sharing their absolutely delicious freshly baked Koesisters with the runners. I indulged in 3 before heading back down the hill again. The 21km course out around the stadium was nice, quite scenic, but dead pan flat so a bit dull. I jumped onto Craig Strachan's 2h15m bus and stuck with him to the finish, despite feeling strong enough to continue faster towards the end to a close to 2 hour finish, I help back to conserve the legs and rack up a bit more time on the legs, more important now for Comrades.

All in all a great event and as always a great way to start a Sunday!

Heading up into District 6

The incredibly steep Pentz drive (Koesister Hill), hardly anybody runs here, though I did run about half of it slowly.

Pentz Drive again

 

Wesley & Emma

Cheesy selfie about halfway up Pentz.

Charlie and me.

25 days until Comrades

Hello, I'm back. Not sure yet if this will become a regular thing again for a while or this is just a once off.

So, as per the heading, Comrades marathon is only 25 days away, yes I'm running it, no I don't feel ready for it, yes I'm crapping myself. I have done 900km of running this year so far including 3 ultra distance runs and a number of marathons, many say it's enough, I don't feel it is. I've lost a lot of weight but still feel far too overweight to be participating in an 87km ultra marathon. But, we'll find out in just 25 short days how ready I am for this beast.

Anyway, keeping it short and sweet for now. I'm thinking of reviving this old blog again as a diary about the running, if this takes off in my busy world I'll reflect back briefly on previous running-related experiences from the past year or so, so this makes sense and forms and actual story with a beginning instead of cutting right off somewhere randomly in the middle.

Hopefully I can manage to keep it positive!

Weskus Marathon 2017

Saturday 6th May - Marathon number 8 in my running career including 2 ultra's, my first being Cape Town Marathon in September last year. The Weskus Marathon took place in Langebaan from the back end of the West Coast National Park, right through the park and finishing at the Langebaan Country Estate in the town.

One of the more stunning marathons I've run relating to scenery and aesthetic value, with very few motor vehicles, man-made structures and people besides runners. Relatively small number of participants, under 1000 this year with a fantastic vibe among the runners. My club, West Coast Athletic Club, represented in great numbers. Best running club!

My race started off well, chatted to a few cool people along the way, including running for about 15km with a lady I've often seen at races and greeted but never really spoken to. We ran a great pace together, chatted comfortably at that speed while making good progress. Unfortunately at around the half way mark I had to let her go on without me as I needed the portaloo quite suddenly and that's where my troubles started. After that pitstop the stomach bug kicked in and pretty much ruined the rest of my race as I spent half the second half in the bushes vomiting up everything I put in including liquids. By the end of the race the dehydration and weakness was real, I was almost dragged to the finish by some other very cool and supportive runners. So yes I did finish and get that medal but it was not one I enjoyed working for. Finishing a marathon with a bad stomach bug is not for pussies! Anyway, I'll find that lady again at the next marathon and finish what we started. I hate bailing!

Other than the gut-bug it was a great experience with some cool new friends made. My mate Myles from my "friends" running group and I drove up the night before and stayed in a hostel after a lovely and sociable dinner at Kokomo's restaurant with some of our running club mates. I admittedly did have about 6 draft beers, which also didn't help me get through that marathon the next morning. It wasn't a full on hangover, but it did cut off some time! You see, after having done 3 ultra distance runs (including Two Oceans and Om die Dam) recently, we got arrogant thinking it's "just a marathon". Well fortunately we sometimes learn from our mistakes. I've learned from this one - 4 beers MAX the night before. Hahaha. (Better yet, none!) It was an enjoyable evening nonetheless.

The morning of the race, all the marathon runners caught buses from the finish area to the start of the race, an hour long bumpy ride through the park to a freezing cold start area at the Tsaarbank picnic spots on the wild seafront. I've brought the family there for picnic braai's many times, one of the best places in this country for a lunch braai, in the wild on a rough rocky beach.

Anyway, I think if aliens landed on this planet and saw that us humans endure cold early mornings and a long bus ride to a random point only to endure a grueling bunch of time running back to where we started for no apparent practical reason, they would not hang around this crazy planet for too long in search of planets with more intelligent beings.

Well, as slow as the race was for me due to whatever bugs those damn spontaneously (stupidly) bought cheesegrillers brought, it was still 5 hours 17 minutes of valuable time on the legs counting towards Comrades training!

Next race is the Slave Route Challenge half marathon next weekend on 14 May.

West Coast Athletic team for the marathon.

Just after the start. Some guys still wearing their bin bags due to the cold.

Finishing the race, I look remarkably stronger than I felt on the day. I was looking left at the club gazebo, we were the last West Coasters in, everybody else cheered us in.

My new friend Lizelle. We ran comfortably the same pace for a good 15km or so, until my stomach bug started biting.

Dancie and I summiting Black Mamba, the only big hill in the race.

My mate Myles from our social running group.

Selfie photobombed by a few nutters from the club

How awesome is that view. Such a stunning place to run!

Rebirth!

Hello fans, friends and freaks!

For the handful of you who followed my blog in the past you'll notice that all that morbid shit is gone. It's history, and so shall remain in history, forgotten history! I've decided to reboot this blog and rap on here from a more chilled and positive perspective. Because you see, I've clocked 40 this year, time is running out, that big old clock of life continues to tick on relentlessly towards the ultimate demise of said life, the point of which I'm almost certainly passed the halfway mark towards reaching. So, bitching and moaning about life's problems and challenges is no longer really relevant and does not help solving problems, nor does anybody really give a shit other than amused pity.

Besides, I'm a happy guy! The primary focus of my existence these days is running. It has been on and off for the last 5 or so years but lately it really has gone to new levels of not just an interest and occasional passtime, but to a full time obsession that hogs my thoughts, dictates my calendar and influences the events of mine and my family's time, especially on weekends, race days. I sit on my lard-ass at work every day thinking about running, planning and booking races and talking to my running friends about all things running. My old running buddies tend to outright ignore my long-winded posts and opinions and rants on our whatsapp group, and I don't blame them, they don't feel the same as I do nor have the same goals or this obsession which holds my thoughts hostage day in and out! Except for one new friend I have recently met at the races, a breath of fresh air in my life and an inspiration to work harder, push further, train harder; with the same enthusiasm and obsession for running as I have. We chat often and account to each other for training or lack thereof. It's exactly what I need for encouragement and accountability, and also just as a sounding board to chat about ideas and opinions. There is nobody else in my world who shares the same passion for running that I can talk to with the same level of interest. This friend does, albeit she's in Joburg, she's fast become a solid motivational feature in my running lifestyle for which I'm very grateful. We're both working towards the same goals, we will cross that Comrades finish line together in June next year, and we will do it strong and as prepared as we can be! And around this time next start the whole process all over again, forgetting the immense pain we put ourselves though over those 87.5 very long kilometers!

In fact it was a comment from that same friend recently which inspired the rebirth of this waffle!

And yes you heard right - COMRADES!!! I have entered the Comrades marathon next year! Who'd have thought... those of you who've known me for a while will remember the fat lazy slob I was not that long ago always eating junk, smoking like a tractor and either pissed or hungover most days of the week! Now I have entered, AND recently qualified to run the iconic Comrades marathon 87.5km of uphill, with the Two Oceans Ultra (56km) and Om die Dam Ultra (50km) among the "training" runs next year! I've already got two full marathons up my arse recently, and 10km races are rare these days in favour of half marathons or longer. When this all started 10km races were a big deal, I felt like a legend finishing them. Marathons and Ultra's were for insanely fit elite runners with mental issues. Now I'm one of those freaks!

Talking of which, this month is 2 years since I quit smoking!

This running "thing" has taken my life by the nuts and is gradually pacing one step at a time to bigger and greater goals and achievements! As much as it's hard work in often unpleasant weather, and early starts on weekends when the rest of the world still sleeps blissfully, I am loving this craze and intend on riding this high for as long as my legs are still functional!

So maybe that is the direction this blog will take. It makes sense, as the one thing that dominates my life over anything else these days (except my beautiful daughter of course), it should be the main topic of these one-sided discussions! I say one-sided because the comment section at the bottom of each blog entry remains eternally barren! (hint hint, if you're reading this far!)

The next race on my calendar, the Vlakte marathon this coming Saturday, involves a trip to the southern Cape. My third marathon, it runs from Heidelburg down to Witsand, finishes on the beach so yes damn straight I'll be running past the finish line into the ocean! My dad lives in Witsand so I'll take the Tamster with to visit grandpa.

Anyway my lunch break is now just about concluded, so it's goodbye for now!

Hello world...

So I'm thinking it's about time to go through another one of those blogging phases again. More light hearted and fun, rather than all morbid and woe is me for being an alkie, etc. Some of the old shit I used to write is actually somewhat embarrassing to read in hindsight.

But, I'll think about it and think up some cool stuff to yabber on about that would be more interesting and informative than pitiful. So those of you who like to follow the problems of others with glee - this will no longer be your fix.

Yes I'm an alcoholic, I know that. Blogging about it won't fix it, I know that. So no more bitching about it. I'll either get over it someday or it will kill me first. preferably the former. We'll see what happens...

The big thing in my life these days is my running, training for a marathon next month and then Two Oceans Ultra and Comrades next year. So that will take up much of my discussions!

Otherwise, work is manic at the moment, no time to chat more today...

Day zero

And so we start again from scratch. I got drunk again last night and it was bliss. I loved and hated being in that dark pit once again. But the count for the days sober begins again from zero.

The reason (and it's a reason, not an excuse) is the wife! She pushed and poked that I could not handle the condescending insulting manner in which she speaks to me and her continuous high pitched shrieking and shouting across the house. After a long kak day to come home to some peace and try to get some work done on my business to get that, just knocked me over the edge of sanity. (Wife was off, on leave, but I had to come home and wash the dishes from the night before too! I mean, WTF???) My poor Tammy came to me in tears twice for the same reason that I took to the bottle - being yelled at and belittled. I felt so sorry for her but against that tyranny I am unfortunately powerless, confronting it only aggravates it to a louder higher pitched shrieking and a deeper level of of abuse and insult and further reminder of what she pays for and I don't.

I am ashamed that my resolve weakened to the point that I deliberately drove to the bottle store, purchased a bottle of whiskey and went home and consumed more than half of the bottle. Even worse, when I got home I actually chose not to drink and just left the bottle in the kitchen since the drive out of the house did calm my nerves, but after half an hour of listening to wife yelling at Tammy it drove me mental even over the sound of my heavy metal music in my office behind a closed door! Walking to that bottle and pouring a drink was almost automatic, like a surreal parasite taking control of my movement and mind.

This is my biggest challenge with the drinking, and the reasons I drink! All the other triggers and cravings I've been managing to handle and stave off the urge to drink, but the way the wife speaks to me and treats me in a way that makes me feel useless and worthless and insignificant and nothing more than a pointless irritation worthy of the worst of her insults and humiliations, the way that makes me feel all too often drives me to care little enough to want to drink to get drunk to escape. She hurts me in ways I cannot describe, and she does not know because she does not care. All she cares for is how she feels and what the point of her thoughts are and how whatever is happening affects her.

I will not be the instigator in breaking up my family no matter how hard she pushes or how deep she drives that stake into my heart. But apart from drinking I do not know how to deal with this incessant emotional bullying. I cannot fight back because of course physically is not an option and words only make it worse and earn more insults and hurtful comments. Nothing I have to say means anything nor is even heard, no matter if my opinion is expressed in a calm rational discussion or a raging frustration-fueled temper explosion. There's only one side that counts for anything and it's never mine. She even sometimes has the audacity to ask why I don't tell her how I feel, yet when I do she is so disinterested she does not hear a word. At times, especially in the car, travelling to work or back I'll talk to her then realise she's texting on her phone or sleeping and has not heard anything I've said.

Yet somehow I am always to blame. It's always turned around that it's about what I'm doing wrong or how she has been wronged or how it affects her. She has no more compassion for me as her husband, and I believe there is no love left either. She cares nothing for me unless it affects her, and if it affects her negatively then I get the wrath of hell bourne down on my head.

I do not know what to do about this, or how to escape the degrading humiliation of constantly being made to feel so worthless. To the point that I sit here writing shit like this pitying myself, hating myself and the miserable life I have landed up being forced to live, sharing it with a self-obsessed person determined, whether deliberately or not, to imprison me in the belief that I am nothing and will never be anything other than a pathetic useless piece of shit with few uses worthy of keeping around!

This is how I feel. I can't tell you the things that went through my mind over the course of that horrible horrible hour long hellish drive to work this morning in that claustrophobic little car with not a single word spoken between us. Every second was a painful hell as a million dark, sad things went through my head.!

Once I have calmed down and my blood has stopped boiling I will probably read this and feel a bucket load of guilt and shame for feeling and thinking this way and I will probably delete this blog post so I do not get into trouble and earn myself another long lecture and threats of divorce and having my beloved daughter taken away from me as punishment for being upset and saying the wrong things, and rightly so, I do not want to lose my Tammy. If it were not for her being in my life one of two things would have happened a long time ago: 1) wife and I would have parted ways, or 2) I would have taken my own life. No, I carry on and suck it up with something of a smile for Tammy, I live for that child, everything I do is for her and I will stick around and fight for her and take the abuse and emotional bullying so that she is not taken from me through selfish spite.

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Skip an hour
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Ok I'm over that rant now, though still absolutely resentful that I am sitting here with a hangover again after working so hard, holding out 10 long days without getting pissed. It's the longest in my adult life, at least for many years that I can remember, that I've boon sober. Sounds disgusting, I know, but that gives me hope that next time I can make it even longer, depending on how strong I can hold myself against the demons within that break my spirit to the point of soaking my soul in more of Satan's nectar.

I find myself once again considering the option of seeing a psychologist, or therapist, or the like. If only there were such an option that I could afford! Not the marriage counselor that wife keeps threatening, but somebody who might be able to help me get out of this darkness.

On the up side, my bottle labels have arrived in Cape Town, I will go and fetch them later. Can't wait. Andre who supplied them called me earlier, such an awesome guy! 200 of each label, for free!

Woo hoo I can start selling sauces soon!

Only setback now is getting the website up and running. Last night my other enormous frustration was being unable to progress on my website because my internet at home was impossibly slow at the best of times, it was completely non-existent most of the time. as my website is a Wordpress eCommerce site hosted on a remote web server the entire development happens over the internet, so when my internet at home is not functional I cannot do any work. I know it's because the fucked up useless ISP's in this backwards country throttle the bandwidth during peak hours through their "fair usage" policies but they throttle so badly that it simply does not work! The incompetence of these companies is costing us small business guys, but I know that fibre networks are coming to my area, when that happens I will ditch my current ISP and the Telkom line provider and never touch those fuckers again! Later in the evening when people in the area obviously went off their internets and my bandwidth improved I was too drunk to understand the complicated code of today's web development to do anything useful so the whole evening was a complete productive void. That infuriated my urge to drink even more, though I would not have drank in the first place if not for the wife!

I need to do my job, this blogging at work will get me into shit if it takes up too much time. I need to, it helps my sanity, but I also need to balance it with the need to earn my meager paycheck at the end of the month!

Day 10

Well at least these numbered days for blog headings takes away the need to think up some quirky (more like cheesy) heading for each blog post! I can easily waffle off pages and pages of a lot to do about very little but thinking of the name gets me stumped. Like naming a sauce or a business idea or a new dog or whatever. I'll tell you all about it bit don't ask me what it's called!

Day 10 and still I've not had a drink. Not much else to say on the matter today.

I will tell you about my lunch though - rather messy toasted sandwiches on brown bread with tuna, cream cheese, mayo, salt and some of the habanero sauce I made in December, which is nice and mature and rather strong. It's a delicious sandwich!

So both of my sauces now have labels designed and are being printed and shipped to the company's offices in Cape Town in the next day or two. By the weekend I'll have a stack of sauces bottled and ready to sell. Can't wait to have an actual tangible stock of products ready for purchase by actual paying customers. And this will be the start of many! Thanks to that break I mentioned in yesterday's post!

The website is also coming along, albeit slowly, it's taking shape and shouldn't take too long to go live. I'm building it on Wordpress using the Woothemes eCommerce infrastructure. The cooler themes and extensions are expensive so I'm limited to the free version of the software which is quite limited so it's a lot of time and work to get it doing what I need.  I don't get much opportunity to work on it, and sometimes the odd moment I do get in peace on my computer at home gets hijacked by a family member the moment I get up off my chair. Last night it happened again and I was furious, not just because my limited time was stolen, but because I was treated as if the work that I need to do in my time on my equipment is unimportant and inconsequential compared to whatever anybody else needs to do! I'm trying to build a business, with very little knowledge or support and zero capital to outsource things like finances, marketing, building websites etc, so each development day lost is one day further away that an income can be generated. But who cares what I think! Those are the blood-boiling moments that I would usually go and drink, especially when being viciously insulted for getting upset, and I feel my resolve is deliberately being tested to see how far my limits stretch before breaking! But I will not! I will not allow more time to be wasted being drunk and unproductive even if my precious productive time is taken by other means!

On another note, this morning I came up with another business idea, off-shooting from my sauces, it's relatively simple in concept and once my business is going will generate additional revenue through relatively little effort. BUT, I think this is relatively unique in this industry and quite a risky idea to be stolen and jeopardized, so until such time as it's been set up and tested I will absolutely not give any clues as to what this idea is! It could flop into oblivion or it could make me stupidly wealthy... time will tell, but my limited marketing skills will be tested!

Regarding my day job, I'm not enjoying it these days. I'm just bored and unstimulated and therefore thanks to my ADD constantly distracted with delusions of grand adventures and crazy ideas of ways to make money by other means that don't involve a clockwatched job working for a herd of obnoxious demeaning bosses for a heavily taxed meager salary that just gets less and less in relation to inflation and having to risk my life 10 times a week in traffic from hell to get to my dreary old office in this most hideous of industrial environments to perform the repetitive monotonous tasks of the job that hacks away constantly at the dwindling time that's been allocated to my existence in this bodily form on this earth. That and I don't want to live in the city anymore!

I'm so desperately hungry for change and some excitement and new challenges with decent potential rewards, both financial and mental well-being. I don't want to be stuck in this rut anymore, having to make that depressing infuriating journey through many of the planets worst fucktards to this boring job in this ugly place, while constantly being in a gradually deepening financial pit that makes any form of progress impossible! I've had enough being so poor that just being poor makes me even more poor, I've had enough of struggling to get from one payday to the next and going through the same monthly depression that gets deeper and deeper as the month progresses.

At the moment I've even lost my mojo for running, which scares me because I love the running and I love being addicted to running but right now that craving to run is just dulled.

The time is coming for big changes, and that time needs to be soon before this dreadful hole of expanding blackness consumes my soul beyond the point of return! Life as it is now, my life, cannot continue on the bumpy lonely thorn-bush lined downhill path it's going now.

In the next few days I need to think about a timeline of targets, including at which point my alternative incomes generate enough funds consistently to leave this soul-sucking day job to work for myself full time without risking losing my home!

There's more to life, more to me, than what I am now. This can't be how it ends for me!


Fuck that! Time to start climbing upwards...

But for now, my half-hour lunch break is over, back to the coalface...

Day 9

Ok I'm bullshitting just a little here, I had 2 beers with my dinner on Saturday evening but I'm not counting that as failure and restarting the daily count because it was well earned beer after a long tough hot day starting with an 8km run and a lot more walking all over Hermanus on a stinking hot day. It wasn't a pissup and I had no desire for any more so the count continues, this being day 9 since I last got drunk.

The dreaded weekend was actually very nice. Yes stressful because I was unable to contribute too much to the cost of it all, which I'm sure was quite a lot that The Wife covered, which didn't go unappreciated! There was no awkwardness and we had a great weekend away as a family in a town we would quite happily move to live in. Being there made us realise how unpleasant and stressful life is living in the city and dealing with the traffic and commute, crappy thankless jobs, crime and overcrowding, etc, let alone the expense. And people in the city are just generally shit. Hermanus is still a bustling town but it's a world away from life in the city! Much less stressful, and it's quieter, cleaner, people are friendlier, much less crime, it's safer to be outside of our residential fortresses (Tammy was riding her bicycle out in the actual street!) We were highly envious of the people living out there, they generally seemed happy. So we are going to look at ways to someday move out to a place like Hermanus and still earn a sustainable living. Certainly more of a practical option than moving to Australia!

All that being said we had a fantastic weekend. We stayed in the Mountain View Manor guest house. Our hosts Charlise and Geoff were fantastic, they made us feel totally at home and they made the best breakfasts I've tasted in years! The room was big and comfortable, and the location was great, it was centrally enough located to access wherever we wanted to go yet still in a quiet neighbourhood so as to be away from the hustle and bustle. It was close to the Sandbaai coastline, I went for two nice long runs along the coast. And we went into town to the country market which was lovely, only proper authentic crafts and organic foods, etc. No imported kuk. We walked around town and went for a drink (I had a grapetiser) down at Bientangs Cave in the old harbour, dinner at a little Portuguese restaurant near the beach close to the guest house, where I had my 2 beers. Sunday on the way home we took the day to stop at a few wine estates where The Wife did plenty of wine tasting. I had plenty of coffee, and ended up not being able to sleep last night until about midnight.

The weekend was a much needed stress release for all 3 of us. Tammy had an absolute ball all the way! This week I HAVE to up the effort with my running and get back into the gym again, starting tonight!

I've hit a nice break with my sauces - a friend from another life (we grew up in the same town, last saw each other about 30 years ago) has a printing business, he has printed off hundreds of labels for my first two sauces at no cost. It really is a big help because as soon as they arrive in Cape Town I can launch and start selling my stuff and generating an income. It's all I need to get going is labels! It really is a God-send which I'm most grateful for!

Have a nice day folks! (creek creek...)

Unreasonably Insane Craving

Yeah I know, 4th blog in a day, must be my record. It's 6.30pm and I'm at home and losing my fucking mind and as much as I know it's unreasonable it's unstoppable. Certain compounding triggers have angered me to boiling point and all I want to do is reach for the bottle and down a big hearty gulp of whiskey, I know that will calm my bad mood in an instant. That craving is mighty convincing and it's taking a lot of effort not to do it! But I've made almost a week now, I'm not going to break! Not yet!

I didn't feel like going for a run after all that build up earlier, we got back a bit late and I'm in a foul sad mood. I had my mind set on parking in front of the computer in peace and working on my stuff but it's been occupied again. Then I couldn't find the key to the side door at my desk, it was eventually found in a fucking box! WHY WHY WHY was it there! Why can people just not put things where they belong!!! This place is an absolute flipping dump, the mess just grows and grows and it's making me mad! Things being put in a different place all the time infuriates me, as a creature of habit. I won't bother to express in the necessary expletives what it does to my blood temperature when my personal stuff gets moved and messed with (like my bathroom scissors!)

I really really need a strong drink right now!

But I must admit this blog is probably like the AA sponsor whom an alcoholic would call as the crutch to bitch and rant on like I'm doing here to relieve the craving for a drink. I'm not sure I'd feel comfortable whining and pitying myself speaking to some other person albeit having been through the same thing, well to anybody really. My "woe is me" moan as Wife has often referred. Maybe I should talk to a shrink, somebody who has to listen and be understanding and not have to be friends with afterwards, though I'm not sure that idea instills a lot of comfort either. No I like the blog, it doesn't talk back, argue or offer clinical advice. It just listens!

Wife found me lying on my bed in my room a while ago looking at my phone (starting a new blog post actually), I was hiding away from the noises and bickering and and my own frustrations and from the sheer boredom I go through when I'm home in the evening unable to access my stuff and not passing the time by getting shitfaced. The constant fighting between the three females in this house does my head in, another madness soothed by the sweet nectar of intoxication. She asked what's wrong and chirped some snotty comment again. She has no clue what's going on here. She has no interest so she has no idea what I'm doing or going through right now, though in fairness nor does anybody else. I have not mentioned any of this to anybody. It's better this way, I don't want sympathy or pity. This is my battle, I need to face it and fight it alone. Other people are not interested in the whimperings and pains of an alcoholic, even one trying to break free. Probably because they've heard it all before and have all long since lost interest, condemning us to a certain early death by the bottle, by our own irresponsible stupidity. To be honest, I am always aware that this addiction could kill me and I know the ways it can do so, particularly through liver damage, and despite my constant battles to lose weight and ferocious cardio exercising especially running I also know that a large part of my bulging "belly" is due to a swollen liver. Yet despite knowing all this the alcohol makes us alcoholics feel invincible. "If it hasn't got me by now then I'm probably ok". Yet being clear headed this deadly reality is a great fear which cause quiet despondency, but only until the next craving for the spirit takes over all logical reason and the manipulative spirits fog my mind back into the darkness of ignorance once more.

I'm getting tired of this now, tired of this battle with the booze, tired of my life revolving around the next drinking session and the resulting hangover, tired of missing out and messing up because of drinking. This is coming to the point where I know if I don't change my life drastically and drop this evil affliction in place of a healthier lifestyle very soon it's unlikely I'm going to get another chance. It is literally a case of do or die. And I'm not ready to die!

---------------------------------------------------

Anyway, I'm now having dinner. Home made fish cakes and spaghetti, and veggies which I asked for, I was craving some vegetables. I do feel better now.

One thing with me and drinking - food is always a deterrent to drink. When I'm drinking I seldom eat because food fills the stomach and takes away the desire to drink. That's why when we have a party I seldom eat until I'm too plastered to drink anymore, if at all. So the same tactic seems to work to quell the cravings now while trying not to drink too. This is a bad thing, for the same reasons smokers put on weight when quitting the fag; eating becomes a replacement for the bad habit. I've quit smoking twice (8 months smoke free now!) and never put on weight as a result because I've always picked up the running pace and consciously eaten healthy. Beating this beast, I fear, might not be so simple!

Giving up smoking was tough both times, but that was a piece of piss compared to this!

If I can keep this up and hold out, I know I'm in for one hell of a ride if my temper and mood swings today were any indication of how this goes! I feel bad for my family, though I do hope they could on some level be understanding. I don't expect help, I gave up on that hope ages ago, but some mild understanding would go a long way.

That said, if it weren't for you, dear diary, it would not be possible!

Goodnight!

Over it.

Ok I'm over that downer I had in my last blog. Not sure why I'm getting mood swings like that. Maybe I'm bipolar, or it could be alcohol withdrawals. Or it could be manopause.  It wasn't fake, rather just a bit over-dramatic in expression.

What I do need to is get the running shoes out and start running again. I've not run since Two Oceans, been taking a break while this stitched up wound on my arm heals. Tonight I'll go for a run when I get home and take Tammy with, she can ride her bicycle alongside me. She needs the exercise too. She is also getting a bit on the chubby side from all the crap she eats. I don't feed her said crap and I'm not there to give it to her (last night I came home and she was eating the processed chicken nuggets and a toasted cheese sandwich, no veggies of any kind). The sight of which (mountain of carbs) made me cringe but as I only get home at that stage and she's being fed by granny who is pretty much more parent to her than her own parents I don't really have a say when nobody takes my side. On Monday it was pizza for lunch and supper and again for lunch the next day. That really upsets me but if I mention it I get shat on. What I can do is help her get some exercise to burn off all the kuk she eats, then when we get back home I'll cook something healthy, if she hasn't already had a dinner of carbs.

See this is one of those frustrations of having a lack of resources and time to take control. If I'm not there to provide nor have the money to buy loads of healthy stuff then it becomes difficult to argue against the gang. I get into so much shit for speaking out that usually I rather just keep quiet and pour a drink.

So after the run and dinner I'm looking forward to spending some more time on my bottle label design, and doing some work on my website. And last night I downloaded the season finale for Walking Dead which I'm excited to see.

Oh, and I have to pack for this dreaded weekend away. While we're there I'll be motivating for some energetic and free outdoors activities like hiking in the mountains, walking on the beach, etc. to save a buck.

But first I have to deal with my absolute pet hate in life - sitting in the horrid traffic that makes up my hated travel home.

Oh the joys...

Downer

Just a quick bit of blog therapy as right now I'm down in the doldrums. Miserable! Mainly because of my usual cause for depression - money. The lack of it and the constant demand to keep on dishing it out causes immeasurable stress and anxiousness! There are purchases I need to make to get my sauces marketable, like labels and more bottles and ingredients to make more stock. Then there's this weekend away that I'm actually not looking forward to because of lack of money, which I know is going to cause problems and fights with the wife because money is often the cause of friction between us. I know she looks down on me because I'm poor. She makes more money than I do so she spends more than I do on necessities and bills and generally seems to have access to more. My cash availability is transparent, it's always the same, no secrets, yet the Wife's cash flow is a complete mystery to me, despite always having my head bitten off over money running out yet there's money for holidays, etc. The debt that she digs herself deeper into terrifies me because it drags us both down. I don't get deeper into debt, my debt remains at the same level, I just don't bring in enough cash to sustain my own expenses on a month to month basis, living from pay check to pay check, counting pennies after the 3rd of every month until the next salary hits my bank account only to all be taken away by debts ind interest withing days.

That is the point of this chili sauce exercise - not for fun - I want to try to build up a steady cash inflow on the side, hoping it will gradually increase to the point of building capital to expand to better infrastructure and other products and eventually have a professional production supplying retailers with awesome products. But none of that can happen if I can't even scrape together the basics to get the first batch on the market! But we're going on holiday!

Keeping my mouth shut!

It's these kinds of absolute frustrations that gets me so constantly depressed! On top of that I'm doing a day job that I don't like, eg today I'm doing the job of somebody else who actually reports to me, and I don't know the details of his job like I'm supposed to as the department head, mainly because my own menial work keeps me too busy to learn those ever changing details. It's frustrating and humiliating, and I don't like it. But I have to sit here and do this job for most of my waking hours to bring in that pittance of a salary at the end of the month in an effort to keep the bills paid and the debts from sinking deeper, leaving very little time or resources to work on building a better life. When you are constantly on the back foot trying to play catch-up it's impossible to get ahead and make progress. All I need is a break, a small lotto win or something to get ahead and get a small business going. But that's not how life works, especially as a white male in this country that doesn't have family money as a springboard to build on something worthwhile. This struggle is something I cannot clearly explain, especially having to also deal with alcoholism, ADD, etc.

Now I'm expressing in more detail than I normally do how I feel on a regular and often constant basis. It's times like this that I use as reason to drink, which only makes it worse but the thought of which usually excites me. Like "fuck the world and all it's crap, I'll just go home and drown my thoughts in that black fog again." And I look forward to that! Times like this that make an endeavor to not drink very very difficult to maintain. More often than not these days I feel like my life is pointless, it's an irreparable balls-up that's going nowhere but downwards into more misery and difficulty. I'm trying to put on a positive front, and really I am trying to see the good and the opportunities but they are just not happening, everything just seems out of reach and now I'm brutally aware that I'm moving into the older years of my life and in a few short years it will be time to retire and I will have NOTHING to take with me. I don't want to be alive for that! I don't want to be a wasted forgotten old alcoholic in some abusive government old-age home with not two cents to rub together, long forgotten by my family! These are the things that fill my mind these days. I'm afraid of what life holds. Afraid that all my ideas and ambitions will amount to nothing because of the financial hole my life has amounted to, and in the end I will never manage to catch up and be something my daughter can be proud of someday!

But that is the one thing that keeps me going, keeps my mind working to keep on trying - I have to do it for my Tammy! That kid is my heart and soul, she drives my world and somehow I have to make this all work out for the better, for her sake!

I know that if anybody heard me saying these things they'll laugh at me, because we live in a nice house and have a comfortable life. And yes, that's how it seems. But what's a nice house if you can't afford some paint to make it look nice or get the pool serviced or the leaking geyser repaired or even buy a new pair of underwear every now and then. Appearances are deceptive, because I have no spare money to work with once all the ridiculous bills and debt payments have been made every month! Nothing! And it's killing my soul!

Now I really feel the urge to drink stronger than any other time this week, because I'm crying inside, and drinking is all that makes that better. Tonight is going to be agony!

I've really had enough of being miserable and alone and struggling with my own weaknesses all the time!

Day 5

Getting bored of this yet?

So far this daily diary thing is working for me, taking the fight against alcohol a day at a time and keeping a written journal of the progress! I write this with the idea in mind that I have a captive audience out there following my story with encouragement and compassion, though I'm also not naive enough to believe that that audience is real, I doubt anybody else will ever read this. But in my mind it is real and it's helping me. If I lie or cheat I'm only lying or cheating myself, which is pointless and stupid, rendering this whole exercise a waste of my own time, so rest assured dear audience of binary numbers, this platform is me in all my honest entirety!

Last night I did feel like having a drink, as usual, but the urge wasn't as strong as usual. I didn't drink anything, that quarter bottle of J&B is still there, probably getting desperate for some attention, but I've ignored it. So 5 days sober now. I'm not going to be fooled into thinking the addiction is waning this quickly without a drink, I know it doesn't work this way, it waits for you to relax and then pounces unsuspectingly usually in the form of landing in a situation where having a drink is obliged, waking the monster and fueling it back into taking control again.

I have to not let that happen.

Besides, last night I had to go out late to fetch The Wife from a work party in the city at 10pm, so drinking was not even an option. That sort of situation tends to block out most urges anyway. So I used the quiet time while I had access to my computer to get a load of work done on my chili business, and chat to my sweet daughter about her day and stuff. That kid loves telling me all kinds of crazy stories and the scenarios in her head because I listen and I enjoy listening to her. She's so awesome, and she listens to what I have to say with genuine interest and without judgement or insult. It's a rare treat!

Prelim design for my bottle label

I finally got round to creating some financial and product costing spreadsheets and set up the costs per bottle of the two sauces I've made so far and worked out what my selling prices will be. I've also designed a (preliminary) bottle label for my flagship sauce, Pirate Sauce. I'm still deciding on the design details and will spend time in the coming days playing around with ideas, but at least the basic layout is there with the info section looking respectable. I sent it to a friend who's a graphic designer and offered to help and advise for a couple of bottles of sauce. Maybe he can spruce it up a bit.

This coming weekend is going to be a personal challenge as we're going away to Hermanus. The Wife has booked one of these Groupon getaway specials. We will no doubt be going to a few bars and restaurants. I'm going to challenge myself to not have a single alcoholic beverage. Apart from the obvious reasons I also cannot afford it. (I don't think Wife is even aware of what's going on in my life regarding the drinking, I haven't mentioned it). Depressingly I don't actually have any money for this trip, it's a bit of an unpleasant and awkward situation to be landed in this position where I'm going to have to find money that I don't have for food, petrol, entertainment, etc and still have enough to get to the next paycheck in three weeks and still buy my sauce bottle labels next week when my designs are finalized. So not drinking alcohol will save a load of cash!

This crap chair in my office is so annoying. The wheels on two of the castors keeps popping off, lobsiding my chair and rendering it unmovable. It's irritating, but I won't even ask for a new one, I know that conversation won't end in my favour! But more annoying this morning was walking into my office to the stench of death. I knew exactly why, we've had a mouse problem for a while, last week a company came in to lay poison traps. I haven't seen the usual mouse shit scattered on my desk for the last few mornings so I expected to start smelling it's rotten corpse soon. After an extensive search I found it in the file drawer at my colleagues desk in a nest it had made by shredding his payslips, covered in mouse shit and what looked like bloody piss. Disgusting sight, even worse stench. This colleague is the one who's in Uganda training shopfitters now. He's got some cleaning to do when he returns.

I'm so insanely busy at work this week with that plonker on his holiday in Uganda, it's too much, but I'm not pulling unpaid overtime, I don't get paid nearly enough for that nonsense and I have too much other stuff to do in my private time to even consider it, so I best stop blogging and get back to work.

Catch y'all tomorrow... all none of you! haha

Day 4

Quick update, so incredibly busy at work today. My colleague who does most of the local bills of quantities has gone to train a new team of shopfitters in Uganda for two weeks and he's not up to date with his work, leaving me to do his job and my own, both of which a full time busy jobs. So I am actually crapping under the workload. As an experienced shopfitter he knows the BoQ's in much greater detail than I do so it takes me a lot longer to put together a list of all the fittings and fixtures required to build a large Pep store, of which I have 3 which need to be done today, along with other management issues that I need to deal with, such as getting a truck released at the Lesotho border being held there by corrupt border officials demanding payment of a lot of money because the "tax invoice looks fake", same tax invoice format I always send with these cross border shipments. It is in effect some dirty bastard expecting a bribe to be paid, which we will not do, we will rather spend the R5000 it's costing us to same-day courier a more "authentic" stamped and signed letterheaded invoice to these dickheads rather than pay the prick his R200 or whatever he'll accept! Africa really is a god-damned continent run by dishonest useless idiots! As I've said before I would still ditch this dusty shithole for greener more civilised pastures like North America or Europe with my family at the slightest hint of an opportunity! Without a second thought!

The answer you're wondering is no, I did not make it to the AA meeting last night. I got cold feet and clung to the excuse that I was told by Wife that I have to make dinner while she completes a study assignment. I'm still well nervous about making the move of going, it's still a secret (between me and my unread blog! LOL). Maybe next week my balls will have swollen a bit with some confidence.

And no, I did not drink last night. Despite that evil quarter bottle of whiskey left over from last Friday, taunting and jeering at me each time I go into the scullery. I know it would be better to kill temptation by throwing it out, but I can't bring myself to doing that seemingly simple thing. Laugh all you want at my weakness, dear internet, but you do not understand the struggle!

This is all the boring waffle I have time for today...