It's the weeeekend baby!!!!

So what y'all doing this weekend? I won't wait for a response, them proverbial crickets are bored of creaking! Maybe someday my blog will take an actual direction of something interesting which will get people's attention, and who knows, it might even build up a following of fans and readers, maybe even become famous (like my music career was meant to! LOL)... Until then, it's just me and my random sporadic waffling about nothing in particular, like the paragraph you just spent half a minute of your life that you won't get back reading!

Ha ha ha!

Yeah, so, about me, as usual, because this blog is all about Mr. Vain over here (you might have noticed by the previous post from yesterday with the 3 cheesy selfies taken within hours of each other.) I'm actually not vain at all, I'm a rather humble dude, for the most part, who's busy munching on a super healthy chicken mayo pie, it has a lot of pastry and not much chicken mayo filling. Que the heartburn in about half an hour. So yeah, besides humble and slightly vain, I'm aslo a dumbass because I know this shit is unhealthy and not all that wonderful but still I buy it because popping down to the local Bonjour garage shop the pies always look so much tastier than the bland salads, pasta's, sandwiches, etc at the deli counter. Must be the warm lighting used to sell more pies. And I've always had a soft spot for pies. In my younger years they got me through many a desperate bout of the munchies!

Well that went sideways!

About the weekend, my plans anyway (with supporting stories):

This evening I'll take Tammy for a swim at the gym. She took part in her first school gala yesterday and despite full marks for effort and enthusiasm she didn't win any awards, mainly because the school she came from last year had no swimming pool and the pool she started at this year does so the other kids in her grade have had a few years of swimming training ahead of her. Swimming lessons are expensive, so I've undertaken to get her doing laps in the gym pool at least once a week throughout winter so come next summer when swimming starts again at school she'll hopefully have caught up somewhat.

Thereafter I have some configuration changes I want to try on the electronic drum kit to make it a more realistic layout. It only has one crash and a ride cymbal, so I'm going to turn the middle tom into a ride cymbal (you can configure every pad to make one of 108 different percussion sounds) and set the ride to be a second crash. Also secure the kick and raise the hats a bit and get the snare at the sweet spot.

Boring drum talk. I love it!

Then I plan to work on my selection of hard rock and metal on my phone to listen to while running. That's my new thing - listening to music while I run. But my initial selection of tunes is not all ideal. For example, I love the band Cradle of Filth, it's serious death metal, but it doesn't really do it for me while running, throws me off with all of Danny's screaming. The more uptempo hard rock type stuff works better, and it helps to be at around 180bpm as that's around my running cadence so it motivates me to keep a good rhythm going while running. Also, a good rock tune that I know creates a bit of entertainment, when the build up in the song breaks I get excited and air-drum while I'm running. It gives me quite an adrenaline rush and a spurt of energy but I probably look like an idiot! I'm not bothered by that! Maybe one day I'll become legendary as the runner who drums while running! Haha

Tomorrow I need to go collect my race pack for Sunday's race at Sportsmans Warehouse, and I want to try find some non-cotton running underpants. I get terrible thigh and crotch chafe on long runs which burns like hell and I've realised it's from cotton jocks (I don't run commando! The bouncing is uncomfortable). I know that cotton and sweat doesn't work together, but dumbass here didn't click that part with jocks. Last week I bought a pair of tights which I ran a 10km in which helped, but with jocks, tights and my club running shorts made four layers (the shorts have a lining) which made for a small oven that slow roasted the family jewels. So, if the technical strapless underwear are affordable I'll try them with the shorts and use that for the long road runs and save the tights for trail runs.

Then the fun starts, we are joining a school outing to Ratanga junction. I'll probably go on the Cobra roller coaster again for the first time since my early twenties. Hopefully the old ticker holds strong and the stomach holds it's contents. Maybe I should sit at the back just in case!

Tomorrow night Tammy is having a sleepover at a friend. Something we've only done once before for non-grandparents. She's very excited, I'm a bit nervous. But I suppose as parents we all have to start letting go at some point, though I wish we didn't have to! I'd rather keep her close where I can protect her always! I'm sure she'll be fine, worrisome dad will be forgotten as soon as I'm out of sight.

On Sunday the friends she's staying with will come to our place for a braai and a few much deserved drinks. I say deserved because on Sunday morning, very early and far away I'm running the Milkwood Half Marathon out near Kommetjie. It's my second 21km for the year, a race I'm really looking forward to but also apprehensive about since I know my training lately has not been where it should be! Eating pies for lunch (and the eisbein I had last night) doesn't help much either! The race route is one of the most scenic around, so between the views, my music and lots of tight hot runners ass to motivate my pace I'm sure it will be a good run! Usually these races are awarded with a medal for finishing, this one apparently the first 2000 runners gets an indigenous tree to take home. So after pounding the road for 21.1km I still have to go home and do some gardening! Great!

That's my weekend, in a nutshell! I hope you all have an awesome one, I'll write another blog next week!

You see, this banishment of Facebook at work has had the positive effect of getting me writing a load of crap on my blog again for the duration of my lunch break, even though this overshoots my allocated 30 minute break, which Facebook never did. Once I start writing I have to finish or it will preoccupy my thoughts until I come back and finish, proof read and publish.

Waffling again...

It's March already...

Ok that heading should read "It's only March". This year is really dragging!

So yes I'm aware my last blog post was in November last year, I can waffle off a list of excuses, like being busy, disinterested, yadda yadda yadda. It doesn't really matter, it's my blog, I don't owe anybody any explanations for writing a post or not writing on it. (I feel better already for that little rant!)

How's everybody been? {waiting for a response, hearing crickets creaking, skeletons rattling}

Eye spy you okes.

Yeah I've been fine thanks, just busy! The running thing has been a major pre-occupation for quite some time now. If you plot my activity through intensity on a graph it will look like a mountain range, it goes through spurts of enthusiasm then goes quiet for a week or two, but for the most part it is happening and improving. I try to take part in every race possible, mostly it's been 10km road races and trail runs. I've even strated a Facebook page just about my running journey. Two weeks ago I did the Peninsula Half Marathon (21.1km for those who don't know the lingo), this coming Sunday I'm doing the Milkwood half near Kommetjie, then on the 26th it's Two Oceans, half, my fourth.

So it's on the rise. I'm going faster and further. Peninsula I did in 2h 16m, by far my fastest 21km. Oceans I'm hoping to pull off a sub 2-hour.

Then, the big stuff comes... I've registered to do the Cape Town Marathon (that's 42.2km) on the 18th September. This is huge for me since I still struggle somewhat to do a sub 1-hour 10km, mostly due to inconsistent training. So, after Oceans I'll be setting up a proper structured training schedule to build up properly for Cape Town, I want to do it right and be healthy and fit enough to do a decent time under 4 hours for my first marathon.

Thereafter, if all goes well, next year I'll do the Two Oceans Ultra (56km) and the Comrades, both of which I want to do at least twice!

That's the plan anyway...

Another plan I've come up with is to soon start making chili sauces, my own recipes, to bottle and sell. I've been doing quite a bit of research and the intent is to make a range of unique and awesome sauces, including the hottest sauce in town made with imported chilies on the Scoville scale of upwards of a million (as an indication, jalapenos are around 5000, Habanero's are around 100,000 on the Scoville scale). I'm talking fires-of-hell types like the Carolina Reaper, Bhut Jolokia, Naga Viper, Infinity, Scorpion, etc. I will also extract the capsaicin (the oily chemical that gives chilies their heat, the ghost pepper capsaicin is 16 million on Scoville, it's used to make military grade pepper spray) to intensify the heat, these will be the kinds of sauces where a few drops on your pasta will make you shit molten lava for a week.

But ja, work in progress, I'll start off simpler using what's locally available like Habanero's and build up my range and work it up to the good stuff.

Hello, it's me...

On the opposite end to intense sauces I've been working on personal changes, basically trying to calm down my intense personality, particularly in the public domain such as Facebook. Those of you (if anybody reads this... creek creek) who I'm friends with on Facebook, and have not yet un-followed me, which I know many have, will know that I can be quite controversial in my angry rants and intense opinions, along with the shocking articles I share. I've been very outspoken and graphic with my opinions regarding SA politics, trophy hunting, crime, etc, and my language gets a tad unnecessarily vulgar at times. This is really just me expressing my thoughts and feelings as I'm thinking and feeling them, it's not with the intention of upsetting or insulting anybody unless they're the topic of my post. Eg, I despise Jacob Zuma, and I'm completely outspoken (or was) about what I think of that waste of oxygen, and my opinions have cause much upset including my family disowning me and my wife and daughter for a few years for calling the man a {"bad word"}. What you see on Facebook is what I am, it's not fake or posed, it's honest. Unlike most people on Facebook who hide who they really are online. But what I've been realizing is that MOST people cannot handle me and my mind. It's probably from a lifetime of not knowing how to control my ADD (having not knowing I had it and always just believed I was just different), that I get so passionate and intense. Most people don't appreciate the hard-core opinions that go on in my head, this is evident by the complete lack of responses my serious postings get, but post something feel-good like puppies and that gets lots of awww's and likes. So clearly it's me that's the problem, not that everybody else is just boring or too shit scared to be seen to be associating with my views whether you agree in secret or not, the world (well my Facebook friends anyway) don't appreciate my views and find them inappropriate, despite the passionate strength to the way I feel about the subject. People just don't feel the same, or so it seems. So, I have been trying to tone down what and how I say things on Facebook, along with much less bad language, vulgarity, distasteful humour, etc

I'm still the same person, you'll just see it a lot less of my true freakazoid personality in the public domain. I turn 40 this year so maybe it's about time to grow up and learn to control the madness in my head and start conforming to normality and the expectations of an incredibly judgmental and hypocritical society.

Damn this chicken, cheese, chili & mayo toasted sandwich I made for lunch is incredibly delicious!

On other news, the band I was with is no more. The singer and bassist had a domestic disagreement so the singer decided to end the band. Personally I think it's quite ridiculous because we had a good thing going which was starting to show signs of going somewhere and I'm honestly quite resentful of how it ended, after 3 years of commitment and hard work to make some great tunes, albeit very few gigs to show for our efforts we stuck with it in the belief that the shows were coming. Then it was all just over, because two people couldn't live together anymore.

Anyway, the bassist, guitarist and myself on drums are going to start a new project once the bassist, who owns most of the sound equipment, has settled into a new place since he had to leave the band house where we played previously. The house where him and the singer lived together, not as a couple, just friends.

I'm sure that whatever we come up with will be awesome, we just need to find a new singer and maybe another guitarist or trumpeter or whatever. I just know that I am seriously missing the jamming, we need to get set up and going soon. Otherwise I'm going to join another established band soon. I really miss gigging!

Since my last post, we have also invested in an electric drum kit to play at home, the main reason being that my daughter Tammy is also learning the drums. She's going for drumming lessons at her school once a week, I help her practice in between at home. She's also doing singing lessons. She's picking up the drumming fairly quickly and she's learning drum notation (sheet music for drums) in her lessons. I taught myself to read drum notation years ago, it's quite cool to be brushing off those cobwebs and being able to help and teach Tammy. I'm really super proud of that kid!

She started at a new school this year, due to some issues we had with the last one. I'm still in half minds about whether it was the right thing to do or not, but I'm being positive and supportive, it's not been easy for her having to make new friends and learn a whole new environment. But it's a great little school with high academic and sports standards so I'm sure once Tammy has settled in she'll thrive.

Just me checking you out.

Another reason I have time to write this is the company I work for has blocked Facebook on the company network. I don't spend a lot of time on Facebook but I do use it quite often. My ability to concentrate on a task for long periods without losing focus is practically impossible, so Facebook is a useful momentary distraction, a brain break for a minute or two, then I can get back to the task at work with a renewed burst of concentration. Now that that familiar "brain break", so to speak, is gone I find I'm getting a bit anxious during those periods of distraction because the familiar focus point is now gone. It's not making me work more, it's just making me irritable and my mind is going off on different tangents with different ideas that have Google working hard.

Anyway, if my boss is reading this, it's not a problem, just something I'll get used to. Using my phone is an alternative, but it comes with added data costs, and I don't want to have to spend more money on mobile data.

Damn, this is yet another crazy long blog, my fingers are hammering away furiously on the keyboard trying to keep up with the stuff flowing from my crazy head.

So, about the Facebook thing, I forgot to mention that I do still post jokes and crude meme's, but they are now on a separate group where only those who are interest need go and look, and a handful of regulars even contribute to the funnies. There's some hilarious stuff, but you need an open-minded sense of humour to find some of the content funny. Check it out here, called Hijacked Meme's & LOL's

Anyway, lunch break is over, I need to get back to work. I'll finish this post this evening and link it on Facebook from home, where I have access to Facebook, albeit on a ridiculously pathetically miserable internet connection! With all the hype about constantly developing new internet connectivity and fibre, etc, and all I can get is a measly heavily throttled 2Mb Telkom line. Telkom won't upgrade the infrastructure (despite people in the next street having 40Mb capability) and who knows when the Fibre will reach my area, so for the foreseeable future I'm stuck in the dark ages of prehistoric bandwidth in my incredibly expensive house in a reasonably upmarket neighbourhood while the world around (including the newer low-income areas and townships nearby) gets rapidly upgraded connectivity. It grates my goose, but nothing to do except wait for technology in this backwards country to catch up.

Have a nice day folks!

Lazy ass!

So, I'm going through this dilemma at the moment which is rather frustrating, and confusing...

During the day while I sit at my desk at work, making like I'm working, I'm constantly thinking about running. It's kind of like an addiction of sorts; I think about it, I read running related articles on various running websites and Facebook pages, I check the online schedules for forthcoming road and trail running races, and when I find a nice race I book a spot. For the first three quarters of the day I wish I could just go out and run, and I look forward to going for a run.

But, by the end of the day, after a long tedious day of parking on my arse in front of my computer, I go home and that desire to run all day is gone. I no longer have the desire or inclination to go and run, or exercise. Like yesterday, all day I looked forward to going to the gym for a workout and a good run on the treadmill. By the time I got home I was knackered and hungry, and the prospect of staying home and relaxing with a few whiskeys just seemed more appealing, so I caved, sat in front of my computer and got merrily drunk on a few too many Vat 69's.

Compounding the problem is the fact that for over two weeks I've done zero exercise, because two weeks ago I got the flu and until now I'm still recovering with the sniffles and the odd cough. True to experience, when we don't exercise for a while we do get lazy and getting back into it just takes a whole load more effort. I did some sit-ups last week, my abs burned for 3 days afterwards!

The plan today, like yesterday, is to hit the gym this evening after work, and as I write this (in my lunch break), the idea of going for that workout and a run is exciting, but I know that by 5pm this afternoon that excitement will be dead, flat, gone, and another evening will be wasted and tomorrow another self-inflicted guilt trip will be hanging over my head, and possibly another hangover!

Oh, btw, Two Oceans entries open tomorrow for next years race! Two Oceans is like my annual goal, this next one I plan to pull off a sub 2 hour time for the 21.1km race, from a group C seeding. For this to happen I need to get out there and train hard, which means actually putting shoes on my feet and going running instead of sitting at home being lazy and packing on the blubber I fought so hard to lose in the last few months!

Maybe this is the psycho-therapy necessary to get that motivation in the right place - writing about it on my blog!

Anyway...

And no I'm not going to run during my lunch break, because I use the time to write my blog, and it's only a half hour break to get some grub down my gullet, and there are no showers here, but most importantly there's no way in hell I'm going to run around Epping! Too many dodgy characters around and I'd be smoking truck fumes all the way!

So lets hope this evening I'll have the "want" to got to the gym.

I'm not making excuses, but the other problem I still have is no decent running shoes. I've been running in my old New Balance shoes which are worn, old and uncomfortable. The Puma's I bought earlier this year are stuffed, completely unwearable. So this does also put me off because running in crap shoes does not instill confidence. It would be so much more encouraging if I could look forward to slipping my feet into a decent pair of comfortable shoes. So I think this year I'm going to bite the bullet and buy myself a new pair for Christmas. Then next year will be a good year for running!

Enough moaning about being poor, lunch break is over.

A lifestyle journey

This is one of those random "let's write a quick blog during lunch" moments. Lets see what comes out of it...

Enjoying a local craft beer yesterday at Obz Cafe while Tammy
did dress rehearsal for her concert.

For starters, as many of my Facebook friends saw a few days ago, I've passed the 3 month milestone since quitting smoking, again. I realise these non-smoker timeline announcements don't quite have the same exciting impact as they did the first time I quit in November 2012, after being a relatively heavy smoker since the age of 18. That was a big occasion, one to be proud of and one I was very chaffed with myself over as was everybody who knew me. So it goes without saying that starting up again last year was probably the dumbest thing I've ever done. It started as just a puff at a party, then bummed a whole smoke on the sneak like a naughty schoolboy, before long I very guiltily (I recall that moment clearly) bought a packet of Styvesant Blue, and for a few months gradually built up the momentum and a solid addiction all the while doing it on the sly, too embarrassed to let my family find out. One of my lowest ever life moments was when my daughter Tammy caught me, her absolute disappointment broke my heart. But at the same time came as a relief that I no longer had to sneak around since most people now knew and I'd learned to smoke away the embarrassment. The addiction which had taken a solid grip on my brain was stronger than my shame. So I suppose when I quit again this time round I can accept that people probably take it less seriously. But the difference is I know what a ridiculously stupid thing it was to light up again, and this time I will stick to not smoking for life because I'm psychologically ready, fully aware that I don't need that poison in my system for any reason and the only excuse to ever smoke again will be pathetic, disconcerted weakness. I couldn't bear doing that to Tammy again! Besides, part of the motivation to quit this time round has been the running and fitness. My lungs simply cannot handle where I'm trying to take my body. I nearly barfed my lungs out on the track on that first trail run in August, was so out of breath I had to stop, wheezing and gasping fighting to get some oxygen back in my veins. That's when I realised I have a choice: to carry on smoking and getting fat from laziness and progressively unhealthy and ugly and probably die in the next few years in great discomfort and shameful misery, or quit that shit and get fit and healthy and handsome and enjoy a longer life looking decent and feeling strong, confident and alive.

Why we actually allow ourselves to get to that point where we realise we have to make that life or death choice is beyond comprehension. But that's what these addictions to these bad lifestyle choices do, they manipulate us gradually over time, weakening our resolve into believing that the unhealthy lifestyle (smoking, drinking, eating crap and doing no exercise) is easier, and as time goes on the prospect of getting fit and healthy seems more and more impossible and less likely (and we can all admit that the desire to get healthy, quit smoking, etc is always there harassing our conscience, but just not strong enough to kick our fat arses into action!) And yes, making that change, that lifestyle U-turn, from the point where I was 4 months ago, is a daunting task, a massively steep uphill, one that appears almost impossible. A decision that's too easy to postpone to "another day". But I realised that it's a choice that simply has to be made if I'm going to be around to see my daughter grow up. And yes, it is difficult, especially at the beginning, it takes a lot of effort to eat right, exercise often, while dealing with withdrawal from an awful drug addiction to nicotine, but it gets easier. The cravings for a smoke are completely gone, each run or workout gets easier and becomes more enjoyable, and eating the right stuff becomes normal. Eg. I'm now enjoying coffee without sugar, or any form of sweetener. Coffee with sugar is actually gross! I see sweeteners for coffee in the same light as nicotine patches/gums/etc as replacements for smoking. You're still feeding the addiction. It's like feeding an alcoholic vodka through intravenous drips to help quit "drinking". It's pointless! I avoid sugar as far as possible, no coke & other sodas, no sweets & cakes, condiments like chutney, etc. That alone makes a huge difference to weight loss and well being. The other half of the diet is to avoid carbs (bread, wheat, pasta, taters, rice, etc) as far as possible, while allowing these in small moderation as a treat and not a staple. But it is hard work preparing carb-less food, and rather expensive. Vegetables are stupidly expensive! No wonder we are a nation of fat slobs, people live on grain based food because it's cheap!

Anyway, the exercise thing has taken a back seat for the last two weeks since I came down with a bad dose of flu, I can feel the laziness setting in again; this evening I'll once more brave the chaos of the gym for a good cardio and strength workout. I'm excited to get back into the routine. On Saturday a bunch of us are doing the Winelads 10km race, I'm looking forward to that. The weight loss has flatlined for a while now, it's time to bend that curve back down again toward that target which is what I am now minus another 15kg.

So on other news, this last weekend was hectic busy, except Friday night, I took that easy in anticipation for a long Saturday... which started off at 5am as a marshal for the West Coast half marathon. My first time marshaling a race and have to say I quite enjoyed it. Every race we run is hosted by the local running club, and that club's members volunteer as the marshals, this keeps the cost of races to a minimum while the club earns a bit of valuable income. Since I run often these days I felt it only fair to do my share of marshaling.

I can see how often marshals are perceived to be on power trips, because one does have momentarily the power of directing and channeling a lot of people and the power to stop and control traffic. Which I did a lot of, though it wasn't an arrogant thing, I've seen marshals who do get big-headed and they tend to piss people off and make fools of themselves. I really enjoyed the vibe and the appreciation of thousands of runners in helping them enjoy a smoother run. I met some nice people, and saw a lot of cheeky bums in tight pants trotting past!

Thereafter I went home, made breakfast, got the car washed, then we hit the road for the familiar 4 hour road trip to Witsand for my dad's 60th birthday dinner. Albeit a short visit I really enjoyed it especially because my adorable little old Granny was there. I don't get to see her often, and for the first time ever we had 4 generations of the family together with my brother and I, our kids, dad and gran, which of course we had to get a photo of.

Me, my dad, granny (dad's mom), my brother Warryn, my daughter Tammy and Warryn's daughter Jess.

A rare moment indeed, and a precious one. Granny is getting on in life, it's unlikely this same photo will ever be re-created. Anyway, we had a great dinner, ate and drank merrily as we sent dad off into his 60's. These special family moments don't happen often enough!

On Sunday morning we hit the road back home early, at 6.30am, to make it in time for Tammy to perform in her drama pirate production, "Pirate Joe". It was the year end culmination of 2 terms of Drama as an extra mural with the Helen O'Grady Drama Academy. The show was super cute, I got lots of photo's which I don't have with me now, I'll post some of them up later, after gym. My little girl was a super star, even though her part was small, she did so well, once again I'm the proudest dad in town!

Then last night we ordered pizza as a treat for Tammy, and I was guilty of ingesting all those evil carbs, but it was a rare treat which we enjoyed. I washed it down with a few enjoyable stiff whiskeys to end off a hectic weekend.

You see, that's my next vice that I need to tackle - the drinking. Although for health reasons I generally only drink whiskey with water or soda, I know I drink far more than is good for me. My alcoholism is another addiction which still has a tight grip and I'm not sure how to tackle this one, as some of you may know this is something I've been battling alone for many years, a while back I even had a blog about it called Diary of a Dipsomaniac, but don't bother looking for it, I took that one down long time ago. It got rather embarrassingly personal as I wrote long posts while I was zonked, feeling sorry for myself and moaning about the woe's of my life. That's not the case now, I don't have pity parties, I know what the problem is, I just need to find a way to deal with it which will probably involve psychological preparation and a change of mindset like when I quit smoking. Except this will be a lot harder! Don't ask me why, it just will!

But that will come in due course, my last big hurdle of the road to fit & healthy longevity, providing I can avoid the proverbial bus on the way!

Have a nice day, I need to go earn some peanuts...

Granny, Tammy and me.

Escape!

It's days like today that I would like nothing more than to jump in my Land Rover and disappear for a few days deep into the wilderness, alone with my camera and a few bare necessities. Out of range of cell phone reception or modern communication networks.

Days like today when the pressure of making the right decisions becomes too heavy a burden to bear, I wish I could just run away and escape the responsibility of making said decisions which either way are going to upset people I care about. I hate hurting people, yet somehow that just seems to come naturally with me! I land myself in the middle of situations which inevitable cause somebody else anguish or inconvenience.

This story about Christmas, and cancelling out the expensive aspects to it, is really becoming awkward and uncomfortable. I'm dreading explaining to my parents that we won't be attending their usual Christmas events because of financial limitations due to the cost of putting Tammy into a better school. I simply can't afford the cost of buying gifts and expensive meals and long distance travel this year, but somehow, without even having faced the music, I'm feeling horribly guilty and foolish, like I'm letting everybody down and causing major inconveniences and unpleasantness, which is not the intention!

And here we have the type of reasons why I hate Christmas! It's never a happy time to look forward to, it's a miserable, stressful, depressing time riddled with guilt trips! I've not done anything wrong! Why do I feel so bad? And sad!

One of these days I'd like to write a blog about something happy and positive...

Christmas is Cancelled

To elaborate on yesterday's post, we have decided to cancel Christmas this year in my family for financial reasons.

Tammy will still get some nice gifts, the main one we already bought a while back, and we will make Christmas special for her, but we are pulling out of the family events and cancelling our travelling plans for the December holidays.

The reason being, we're moving Tammy to a different school in 2016, which I'll elaborate below. The move involves a large deposit (refundable when she leaves the school) which we were hoping to get help with from a family member who has unfortunately been unable to come to the party, meaning we've had to come up with R40k at short notice, which we've done through credit, but it means that for the foreseeable future we have zero disposable cash for anything other than bare necessities. This means no money for travelling and no money for Christmas gifts for anybody, even small ones.

This is a regrettable decision, one we are sad about, and one that will no doubt cause some shit in the family because it means we're dropping people and there are less presents to go under the collective tree. Believe me I'd love nothing more than to have no restrictions on the amount of money available to buy everybody wonderful gifts which they can be impressed with and love me more for, but unfortunately this decision is because we are striving to provide our only child with the best possible education and foundation for a good life, and at times like this means sacrifice and some inconvenience. Although saying that, it's not really a terrible thing for us. We'll be fine on our own, we'll have a pleasant little family Christmas at home and a nice quiet holiday. It'll be like we're still abroad, and we were quite happy back then. Though I don't expect everybody will be quite understanding of the situation, this is what it is and we'll do what we have to to make it work.

About the school; we are really sad to be leaving the CBC family. Tammy has been there since grade 00 through grade 0, R, 1 and 2. She's been happy, made lots of friends and her teachers have mostly been nothing short of incredible. We will miss the people at CBC and are grateful for them being instrumental in shaping Tammy into the awesome little girl she's developed into. But, the school has also started to fall by the wayside as far as management is concerned. Apart from having consistently appalling communication, the school seems to be having financial difficulties, the pressure of which is being passed onto the parents in the form of a 12% fee increase for 2016 which they cannot reasonably justify. The financial presentation offered to the parents last week was poor, inconclusive and indicative that the school is pulling the wool over our eyes. The school is a full NPO, meaning there are zero resources to fall back on and parent school fees are the only source of income. This is a big burden and a concern because if times get tighter there will be problems, and there are minimal funds for development like building a swimming pool or secure fencing between the kids and the drug dealers on the main road. Additional funds will need to come from our pockets too in the form of various fundraisers, should the school take on new projects.

The new school we're moving to, Elkanah House, is a highly spoken of school, one of the best in the Cape Town region, and although more expensive than CBC it has all the facilities like a pool, auditorium, great extra murals, etc on site. The teachers are world class, the school is small and well established, and is financially secure. It's generally a better school than CBC and we're fortunate to have bagged a spot for Tammy for grade 3. It's a big decision but one we've thought through and discussed extensively.

It just means we'll need to bite the bullet for a while until the deposit is paid off. We also need to buy new school uniforms, school bags, stationery, etc which also amounts to a lot of money which we need to come up with.

So hopefully this explains satisfactorily why we are cancelling Christmas this year - we had to choose between Christmas and Tammy's education. Sorry but it's a no brainer!

The Burden of Christmas

What have we done to Christmas? 

It's no longer what it used to be, what it's meant to be, which in my mind is a happy time spent with our families celebrating the birthday of Christ as good Christians should. A day of fun, laughter, good food and drink and unwinding together after a long year of toiling at the grindstone with the usual cheesy Christmas music in the background.

Instead Christmas has become the obligatory period of annual commercialism, the stressful time of being expected to spend vast amounts of money we don't have on Christmas presents. A time for shitting over what to buy for who and how much we have to spend on each person. A time of enormous stress and pressure to impress people who should love each other unconditionally, irrespective of who spends the most on who!

Christmas has become a luxury for the rich and a financial burden for the poor!



I rate myself in the bracket of being relatively poor as far as disposable income is concerned, I do not have spare cash for lavish gifts for everybody that I'm obliged to supply gifts for, this time of year for me is nothing but unpleasant stress over the looming massive financial burden, and to be honest, since returning from our 8 years abroad, away from this burden, I have come to HATE Christmas more and more each year. It causes fights between my wife and I and I have the stressful worry of what the hell do I buy for the people on the list I'm obliged to buy for and how am I going to afford it! Why has it become about this? Personally, Christmas is depressing! And no doubt I'm an asshole for thinking that way, because people are selfish!

I'm sure many will disagree with this sentiment and come with all kinds of crap like being creative and keeping it cheap! Well I'm not creative like that, I do not know what to make or buy for people, I don't know what people want or need, and worrying about it only makes me angry and resent this whole commercial culture of Christmas even more. Inevitably the result is having to trudge through shopping malls looking for gifts, or even worse, getting dragged through shopping malls for hours on end by my wife. There is nothing I enjoy less than getting dragged around shopping malls. My dear wife can attest to the fact that simply entering a shopping mall makes me intensely grumpy, and having to do that shit in the chaotic weeks preceding Christmas is for me pure painful HELL!!!

Back in the days when we were still in London, Christmas obligations involved a few phone calls back home, thereafter we were free to hook up with friends and go out and enjoy the day without the obligatory financial burden of having to buy stuff for lots of people. A thoughtful gift shared between wife and I was sufficient, the time together enjoying the day was worth far more!

Don't get me wrong, I love my family and I do enjoy spending some time with them, but this sick culture of handing out costly gifts to each other, for which we are being judged on based on how much money we spent on each person, makes me depressed. I cannot spend as much as some people so inevitably end up feeling guilty or left out. Certain people end up with mountains of expensive gifts while others not so much, and one kid usually ends up with more presents to open than the other. It's all disproportionate, it's messy, and at the end of it we are left with large bags of expensive torn-up wrappings and piles of random stuff which inevitably ends up in storage or lying around the home. And of course the kids end up with a mountain of unappreciated toys they barely notice as they rip open one after another, most they will probably only play with once then dump in the bottomless pit of the toy box! It's a big goddamned waste!

That said, I actually don't mind the kids getting some nice gifts, that's how it should be - gifts for the kids, the adults should not be obliged to buy stuff for each other. I do appreciate the gifts I get, very much, but it's usually stuff I don't need or don't use. How many bottles of shower gel I've collected over the years I can't tell you, and I've never used shower gel!

So what now, how does one escape this expectation to spend money on expensive gifts without being offensive? I've tried making the suggestion before that we only get gifts for the kids and not adults, but those who can afford to buy for everybody also expect to receive lavish gifts to open in the frenzy of present opening, which for some of us happens two or three times as we go to different groups of family. So of course the obligation cannot be ignored! Each year my wife and I discuss going away over Christmas to avoid all this, but in reality it won't help because despite sucking up the cost of travelling we will still be obliged to supply gifts for the same people, whether we see them on Christmas or not, because they have bought stuff for us! And of course we'll be perceived to be rude for not attending family functions over Christmas, and we'll be guilted for denying Tammy the opportunity to open huge piles of presents.

I realise this will be seen as one of my more controversial rants which no doubt will be taken far more personally by some than is intended, but this is just the way I feel. I hate Christmas and the culture that Christmas has become about. It's actually a depressing time and I would rather skip it all and disappear out into the wilderness, away from the madness! I doubt my absence would even be noticed.

But, that joy of fast forwarding past it all is not to be. No doubt my wife and I will have numerous more fights over what to buy for who and who is paying for what, then I'll get dragged miserably through Canal Walk a few times spending what precious little money I don't have on menial gifts to wrap, before we head off to mom's place for the usual Christmas Eve gift opening fiasco and then to Witsand for more of the same, the rest of the time at both spent on cooking, eating enormous volumes of food, and cleaning up. Then before you look again it's over, and we're fat and broke with bags of arb stuff to find place for in our cluttered homes and a fresh new gutter of debt to fill up.

Happy f***ng Christmas everybody!

Stupid stupid everywhere!!!

I'm writing this blog, not out of well informed information and experience, but rather as a frustrated spectator, a furious member of society watching yet another disaster unfolding in my beloved country at the hands of a bunch of opportunistic, idiotic, violent thugs who are bringing the entire nations tertiary education institutions to a standstill through riots and hooliganism in the name of an otherwise just cause!

"phew, deep breath"!

Of course I'm talking about the protests escalating into riots at South Africa's universities.

I've been following the news, listening to interviews and reading the forums so I may not have all the facts but I have a decent idea of what's going on...

Rabbit food again!

Oh man I'm so over lettuce leaves, cucumber and baby/plum/cherry tomatoes! Seriously!
I'm enjoying doing the healthy thing and for the most part my lunch salads are great, especially when I've taken the time to cook up some spicy chicken and croutons for the week. But for the lettuce (etc) leaves especially - I'm done with that now! Any more and I'm going to spout rabbit ears, teeth like Naas Botha, and a pair of plump tomatoes dangling between my legs!

Today's salad - lettuce, cucumber, tomatoes, feta, chopped olives, raisins, mixed seeds, tuna and lemon juice.

Solution: need to get more creative with lunches, while keeping it affordable, healthy and simple to slap together in the 10 minutes time allows for making lunches during the morning rush to get ready and off to work on time!

Pre-matric dance photo shoot

Last week I was hired (by my boss) to photograph a couple of youngsters before they headed off to their matric dance at my old school, Fairmont High in Durbanville.

There were two parts to the shoot. First stop was at Altydgedacht Wine Farm near Durbanville. I arrived to find my boss' son Mark and his date for the dance, Talia, busy with a photo shoot by a photographer hired by Talia's family, which I didn't expect. I kept my distance until they were done then I took over and did my shoot under some trees and in a spectacular field of flowers. This took about half an hour. Talia was a treat to shoot, very photogenic and beautiful girl.

Then, I took Mark and we headed down the road to the D'Aria wine estate, we left Talia behind at Altydgedacht waiting for her dad to collect her.

At D'Aria we hooked up with Mark's family, and his girlfriend all dolled up for some photo's. I then proceeded to photograph Mark and his girlfriend, then later with his family and some mates from school.

The whole setup was rather odd, but anyway, I wasn't hired to comment! I'm quite happy with the resulting images, below is a selection:

Full-fat vs. fat-free - the controversy.

Ok I'm by no means an expert on this debate between whether low-fat/fat-free or full-fat foods are better for diet and weight loss! I've always believed that low fat or fat free products, particularly dairy, is beneficial in losing weight, in conjunction with cutting out fatty products like trimming fat off steak and chops (this I hate, the fat is the best part), and cutting out as many oils and oily foods as possible; along with carbs and sugars for which there's little dispute - carbs turn to sugars and sugars are poisonous to our bodies!

But after doing research lately and listening to many other opinions, brought on by the recent craze around the Banting and Paleo type diets I've been convinced that keeping the fat in the food, such as the fat on meat and full cream milk, yoghurt, etc is indeed not only healthy, but also beneficial in losing weight!

Now I'm not going to go into all the technicalities just yet because I'm still learning and gathering facts, which is hampered by the vastly conflicting views on the subject in publications by "experts" having studied the issue of fats from various perspectives, and whether they are good for us or not and by what degrees and breakdowns by types and food sources, etc. Eg,

Sushi Ninja's scoffing Springbok biltong

By now it's common knowledge that the mighty two-time Rugby World Cup winners - the Springboks - were defeated in their opening 2015 RWC game by Japan, a team commonly perceived to be one of the minnows in world rugby. Well this underestimated little team of unknown ninjas caused the biggest upset in World Cup history and one of the biggest embarrassments in the history of the sport; particularly since the Springboks have been bragging about being the most experienced team in the tournament. This boast has also backfired since the iconic loss is now being partly attributed to the poor team selection of a bunch of geriatrics, great legends of their time who have
apparently reached the end of their shelf life and should be allowing the fantastic fresh young talent available in this country the opportunity to prove their worth and show how they've learned from the invaluable experience of the old boys!

Drummer Jokes

As a drummer I can tell you that us drummers have a great sense of humor! True story!

So much so that we'll publicly share and laugh at jokes making us out to be idiots knowing that this is of course not true, drummers are in fact more intelligent than the rest of the band, and everybody else! This fact is derived from research done at Stockholm's Karolinska Institutet, and other studies compiled by news and analytics site Policyymic. So shove that up your hubbly bubbly and smoke it!

Read the article here...

These lame jokes depicting drummers as being slobbering morons no doubt arises from simmering jealousy by the rest of the band, who are indeed inferior in intellect. Therefore, in order to keep them from blowing their bonnets and exposing their true intelligence levels, or lack thereof, we the humble drummers choose to suck up the punches and just laugh along at the jokes without reciprocating (except occasionally at the bass players who're about as bright as a chunk of limestone), allowing said band mates to believe they are smarter. This is for the sake of the band, we don't need the guys at the front getting any more insecure, would we!

(I reckon my band mates from Sanskara will be having stern words with me before tomorrow night's gig if they read this! Hahaha!)

Without further ado, enjoy the funnies:


What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
You only have to punch the information into a drum machine once.

What's the best way to confuse a drummer?
Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.

What's the difference between a drummer and a savings bond?
One will mature and make money.

What did the drummer say to the band leader?
Do you want me to play too fast or too slow?

Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in the car?
He had to break the car window to get the drummer out.

How can you tell a drummer's at the door? The knocking speeds up.

What's the last thing a drummer says in a band? "Hey, how about we try one of my songs?"

An Indian chief and a cavalry captain climb to the top of a tall hill and look out upon the entire Indian tribe. The captain says worriedly, "I don't like the sound of those drums." The chief says, "I know. It's not our regular drummer."

What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend? Homeless.

What do Ginger Baker and black coffee have in common? They both suck without Cream.

How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: One to screw the bulb in, and four to talk about how much better Stuart Copeland could've done it.

An amateur drummer died and went to heaven. He was waiting outside the pearly gates when he heard the most incredible fast and furious drumming coming from within. Immediately he recognized the playing and rushed to ask St. Peter if that was Buddy Rich playing drums inside the gates. St. Peter responded: "No, that's God. He just thinks he's Buddy Rich."

How do you get a drummer off of your porch?
Pay him 10 bucks for the pizza.

What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
Gifted.

What does a drummer use for contraception?
His personality.

What do you say to a drummer in a three-piece suit?
"Will the defendant please rise?"

"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about half a beat behind the drummer."

Hey, did you hear about the drummer who finished high school?
Me neither.

Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car?
So they can park in the handicapped spot.

How is a drum solo like a sneeze?
You know it's coming, but there's nothing you can do about it.

Why do drummers have lots of kids?
They're not too good at the Rhythm Method
.
What do you do if you accidentally run over a drummer?
Reverse.

Deep in the African jungle, a safari was camped for the night. In the darkness, distant drums began a relentless throbbing that continued until dawn. The safari members were disturbed, but the guide reassured them: "Drums good. When drums stop, very bad." Every night the drumming continued, and every night the guide reiterated, "Drums good. When drums stop, VERY bad." This continues for several days until one morning the drumming suddenly stops and all the natives panic and run screaming. The man asks the guide what's the matter? The guide looking very frightened says: "When drums stop, VERY, VERY bad," he said. "Why is it bad?" asked a member of the safari. "Because when drums stop, bass solo begin!"

Run Fatboy, Run!

Ha ha can you believe, one day into the blog thing, it's now lunch break - the time I'd designated to compose another entry, and here I sit with apparent writers block. I've got a few full-feature topics I'll cover in detailed dedicated blog articles as time marches on, but today I don't have time or inclination to think that hard, so for now you'll have to bear with what little news of interest I can suck up.

For starters, I'm air-drumming like an idiot at my desk along with Halestorm. This band is really awesome, I dare you to have a listen, if you like good female-fronted rock you'll dig this! This track, "I Miss the Misery", is one of the best:

Once Upon a Time...

Hello and welcome to The Daily Drumroll!

For those of you who've known me for a few years you'll remember my previous blog from around 3 years ago, "The Daily Noodle", well this is kind of the revival of that. You could say the irrational tantrum-induced teenager has since grown up... A little! Ha ha! (I've removed all the old Noodle posts, for dignity's sake.) This blog will (hopefully) be more interesting, diverse and rational with less of the old foul-mouthed rants which were largely the product of a frustratingly boring and demeaning day job at the time since many of the entries then were composed during working hours as a means to break the monotony; instead you'll enjoy more interesting, entertaining, funny and useful reads with no doubt a few of my legendary "facepalm" moments along the way.

What to do...

Somehow I need to pull myself together and sort my shit out. I don't know how, but it's either that or throw in the towel, which I don't want. Fact is I need help. Again I don't know what or from where, and I don't quite know how to ask for it without making more of a humiliated ass of myself than I already have. I'm sick of worrying and being afraid and feeling sorry for myself and especially for being such a loser asshole.

I've got a gorgeous little girl who adores me and doesn't understand the personal hell I'm going through, nobody does. My wife knows I'm a miserable fuck but that's all she sees and then turns the focus onto her own worries and in the same breath insults me and tells me what an idiot I am. That is not quite the help I'm looking for. I don't want my marriage to end, but it doesn't feel like a marriage, it feels like I'm a hassle and a burden to my wife, she reminds me of that constantly both blatantly and with subtle indication. To a degree I understand her frustration as I'm not an easy bloke to deal with, but in the ideal world we should be supporting each other not just with lectures and speeches and sarcasm, or is it how it works?

Anyway I have had enough feeling sorry for myself, and feeling so alone. I need a game plan. But first I need to get finished editing and deliver these three jobs! And find a job. And quit drinking. And lose weight and get fit and healthy and start training for 2 Oceans. And and and...

Crap and there's my course too, which I'm not going to finish in time. I'm going to have to ask them very nicely for an extension without having to pay the R1500 which I simply cannot afford! Otherwise it's a forfeit!

Suck!

I fucking hate my life right now. I am afraid to think how much worse it can get and to be honest I don't want this pathetic excuse for an existence anymore. No I'm not drunk, I'm trying to give that bullshit drinking up. Who knows, maybe it will last 3 days, a week, a month, before I hit the bottle and fuck up properly again like I did so well on new years eve. After my stupidity that night again I actually walked away in my drunken stupor and walked through the bush and swamps in the night for about 10km, new years fireworks exploding in the distance. I had no intention of coming back. But after waking up somewhere in the bush shivering with cold, bugs crawling over me, I headed back to my daughter, freezing, tired, sore and thirsty. Nobody is even aware of what I put myself through that night, all they see is the asshole that can't handle his booze and fucked up yet again. Maybe they thought I ran off to sit in a pub or something. Honestly, who cares. It's a very lonely place!

Fact is my future looks bleak and I'm a miserable sod with very little enjoyment in life, some of which was cut off again today when my wife cut the dstv subscription. Now this house is like darker and quiet. It's a simple thing, but the TV is like a central point, a means of relaxing and distraction. It's just become a more unpleasant place to be.

2013 started off horribly and it's only getting worse and with my impending job loss is going to become a nightmare. I wish I didn't have to carry on, and if it weren't for Tammy I would not.

But like I said - who gives a shit!

Life

(This post was written a few weeks back, I haven't had the balls to post it, not like anybody is likely to read it anyway!)

Today has turned into another one of those days that are gracing themselves more and more often in my life in times of late.

The short of it – it’s a shit day with the weight of all my personal burdens just getting the better of my emotions and usual determination to remain positive, rendering me despondent, demotivated and depressed.

The long of it is my mind has been filled uncontrollably with thoughts that do not define the person that I am, thoughts of a permanent relief to the crushing weight of my problems. Like my Facebook status today said “This dark hole is getting so deep I can’t see the top anymore.” Which is how I feel on days like today, yet nobody understands.

Yes maybe I am feeling somewhat sorry for myself, and no I’m not looking for attention. I’m not arrogant or insecure like that, ie. threatening suicide to get people to notice me, it’s not an open advert. So why am I writing this here on this blog?... probably on some level it is a whimper for help, and I don’t know who to talk to so I’ll just talk to anybody who cares to read this, if anybody at all. I’ve always found it easier to write down my thoughts and feelings than discuss them openly because the page doesn't talk back or belittle me or insult me or argue, it just passively listens. Besides, any time I reveal any kind of emotional stress I get told I need to “see somebody”, ie a shrink. Sorry but I’m just not comfortable with being pushed into phoning the company-sponsored psychologist, a complete stranger, and blurting out all my personal problems and suicidal fantasies. It’s probably a combination of pride and embarrassment and shame at all my failures, but I just don’t see the point in exposing myself like that in such an impersonal way to somebody who doesn't know me. And I don’t see how it will solve my problems. Yet there is nobody else I can have a reasonable discussion with either, so I’ll stick to this medium of writing down how I feel in the hope that some brilliant idea will overwhelm me that will be my savior (and that does not imply any religious intervention, I’ve kind of lost faith in that regard too, praying and believing does not bring forth any solutions). Not that I’m sitting back waiting for free stuff, much like the mentality of the millions of b***k people in this country, no I’m prepared to work to succeed, but I don’t know what work to do that is going to get me out of this bottomless pit because nothing I do bears any fruit, in fact it genuinely feels like I just go backwards no matter how hard I try, with everything!

Even as I write this there’s something inside me that’s making me feel like a retard for the things I’m saying and thinking. I mean, surely it’s not that bad, there are people out there with much bigger problems.... that’s the guilt trip that my own conscience and no doubt other know-it-all’s will load onto me. Maybe so, but my own issues have gotten to the point where it’s too much for me to handle alone, I’m overwhelmed, depressed, and terrified at what my future holds and consequently what hardships my own failures will burden my dear family with unless some miracle comes my way, or I die and my family will at least get some financial relief through insurance pay-outs and not have me depressing them all the time with my bad moods and bleak financial future.

That’s the reality of what I’m battling with in my head and it’s making me miserable, especially on days like this when I get reminded of my own shortcomings by people who think their own shit doesn't stink. Eg, less than an hour ago my boss reminding me yet again that I’ll be out of a job soon because of my inadequate training. I do not show it but inside it is crushing, humiliating, degrading and incredibly hurtful. Similar feeling last night while editing photo’s when I’m struggling to make my images took good, let alone professional, and feeling like some progress is made, when a fellow photographer, who was photographing the same people at the same event produces images of a quality I do not come anywhere close to. I do not have the ability or the know how, let alone talent, to compete with that and it made me realise that without proper training, which I have neither the finances or time for, I don’t stand a chance! Yes I get jealous of people that can produce such mindblowing work because I also want to be like that, but being stuck in this rapidly deepening financial pit it is just not looking like a reality, not any time soon! Yet somehow I have to produce something out of my arse because I have 3 big jobs paid for already that needs to be delivered soon and the amount of work I face with my amateur skills is colossal. Each evening when I sit down with my editing after a long kak day at my soul-destroying day job and try to figure out ways of making my photo’s look great I sit there with blanks in my head, I simply don’t know how to make them look fantastic like other good photographers do, and I should be at that level by now. Then I get irritated, agitated, angry, demotivated and ultimately distracted, often ending up back in the bottle. I love love love photography with a passion, so why the fuck can I not produce images that portrays that? Why can’t I produce sharp, beautiful, colourful photos that make people go “wow”, like the photos that I see others producing??? My images are dull, fuzzy, grainy, incorrectly exposed and usually far too fucking orange! Hard as I try they just look shit, and there's only so much I can do in Lightroom to fix them! Don’t even talk about Photoshop – I know the real photo artists work in Photoshop but I simply don’t know how. A friend showed me a few tricks the other day, there was so much going on I don’t remember what or how she did it. And yes I could probably learn with a lot of trial and error practice, but right now I have shitloads of photo’s to produce that I just don’t have the time!

Add to that my course – it needs to be finished in 6 weeks’ time and it is simply not going to be done in time because I do not have the time to do it! So it’s going to cost me R1500 for an extension. I don’t have that kind of spare cash! It’s so disappointing because I like this course and I’ve been determined to finish it. So much in my life I started and never finished – I really want to finish this one and get that diploma. Somewhere I’ll have to produce the money for the extension, I just have to, or miraculously get the last 7 modules done by then!

I am determined to make a career out of photography, but why is it so difficult just to get the basics right? When I’m out of a job at the end of next month I had grand plans of going solo as a photographer, but I have realised that I need to find another dead end meaningless degrading low-end job in the corporate world because with the quality of work that I cannot produce I’m not going to be hired by the big spenders, the competition out there is just far too vast and superior! So there goes my dreams…

Unfortunately, thanks to deeper debt than I’ve ever known and huge monthly financial commitments I absolutely have to find a replacement income from February. This single fact is the cause of the majority of the stress and depression I’m going through, it’s a worry and a burden unlike I have ever felt before and the primary reason I have been having thoughts of suicide. Effectively I will be worth more to my family dead than alive, in fact alive I will be a burden on them. Not that I want to die, but lying in bed last night thinking about it the thought of dying almost felt like a kind of relief from the gut-wrenching soul-dissolving stress I’m under and seeing no way out of the fuck-up that my life has become and the loser that it’s resulted in. I am not and cannot seem to be the man that I want to be so now I feel small, insignificant, and worthless and I hate myself. Genuinely I do!

The fact that I’m losing my job because I’m not qualified enough, despite having being doing the job for over 5 years, is destroying me! These arrogant obnoxious corrupt ass licking motherfuckers in this company are working me out of the system and any chance of a career in this line because I don’t have the qualifications that compliment the ego of the poes who has taken it upon himself to play god in this institution and I refuse to be one of his tail of bum lickers. So I have to go. It’s a grossly unfair situation, and as these kunts have said I will not find another job in the same line of work because of my lack of tertiary education. I feel betrayed and discriminated against because I have done a good job here, I’ve been loyal and a good asset to the company and I wanted to stay here long term because of the potential benefits to study through the company. I’ve sucked up the shit the ego-bashers have fed me for three fucking years in the hope of securing a permanent job but the new boss in town would rather boost his own ego with a team of over-qualified like minded arrogants to do the mindless repetitive work that I am fully capable of doing. It’s fucked up and completely degrading and if I didn't need this salary to the very last day I would walk out here today and save what’s left of my dignity. But I can’t do that, I am forced to continue wasting my time, pride and life in this, what has now become, a shit-hole, and suck it up until the end of January; at which point if I do not have an alternative income one of two things will happen – I put my house on the market so the bills can be paid, or my life comes to an end so the debts can be paid out by insurance and my family will be financially sound for the foreseeable future. I desperately don’t want either of those scenarios to play out, and if there is any glimmer of hope for some other opportunity that presents itself in my whiskey pickled brain I will take it with open arms for the sake of providing for my family!

Which brings me to the next colossal fuck-up of my life – alcoholism! My alcoholic addiction which still controls me, my life, my family, my health and my future or lack there-of. I've written in depth about this many times in the past and nothing has changed, I still binge drink regularly to the point of total inebriation then feel like shit in a puddle the whole of the next day. I hate this addiction, I hate being drunk and I hate being hungover and useless, but most of all I despise the time and productivity that gets lost because I’m either drunk or hungover. With everything else on my plate these days I've actually given up trying to fight it and just go along with satisfying the urge to drink every few days as it grabs me. It’s an impossible thing to fight alone and I don’t see any practical means of help or support so it will just have to continue until such time as it kills me (which I don’t mind the idea of right now) or, again, some miracle happens, which with my luck is not going to happen.

As of the last few weeks there is another thing which has greatly compounded my depression – my health! Once again I am grossly overweight, unfit, lazy and unhealthy, and I feel absolutely disgusting and revolted in myself. I feel sick when I see myself in the mirror, almost back to my size and ugliness of the days before I put in all that effort to lose weight (20kg) a year ago. Every day I say to myself I must do something – go to gym, go for a run, eat healthy. But every day I come home feeling down from another humiliating day at work, I feel tired, and daunted by the task of all the photo work to do for the rest of the night. My daily excuse is I don’t have the time, but in reality I feel lazy and ashamed to go out in public looking like I do all over again. And of course I’m always hungry, so I eat. And what do I eat – fucking junk! Because it’s easy and cheap. Right now with my absolute lack of any spare cash I simply cannot afford to eat the healthy stuff that contributed to my fantastic health and weight loss a year ago, so every day it’s carbs, starch, sugars, fats and all things cheap and unhealthy. For this reason of the way I look now and the path my life has taken I really really hate the useless person I am now.

Then there’s Christmas! It’s the worst time of year because it costs more money than any other time of the year. All the time and money spent shopping for gifts trying to match up to people’s expectations is something I don’t believe in. If I could afford it then it would be a lot more fun - I can’t afford it. But obligations still need to be met and whatever the means the costs need to be covered for fair contribution and come January we sit in more financial trouble than ever before! It was so much easier living in the UK and doing Christmas there. Got a gift for my wife and had lovely phone-calls with the family on Christmas day and got on with life hassle free with some change left in the pocket. This year is just the worst – I’m broke as it is, and with the prospect of not knowing how I will support my family in less than two months, this is going to be my worst Christmas ever.

But hopefully my little girl will enjoy it, that is the one thing that will make it special.

There are loads of other things that are getting me down too but I've run out of time to list them, my lunch break is over so I need to get back to Autocad drawings. Besides, after this long mope and rant I feel somewhat relieved, at the same time idiotic for coming out like such an insecure wimp. It’s not who I want to be.

I don’t know what to do to make all this better. My future looks dark and I need some answers, I just don’t know what to do…

Despite all this doom and gloom in my life there are still two things that are like beacons of light and happiness in the dankness – my wife and daughter, Liezel and Tammy. If it weren't for them I don’t know where or what I would be now, if anything at all. They keep me going, they are the reason I fight on.

Meantime, tonight I will drink again, I really need a drink today!

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So following on from the story above (written this time yesterday), I did indeed get wasted again last night, and did it with fury and it was good. Needless to say I got little editing done again.

Today is even more drama, I've landed myself in a fight with my mother and subsequently my brother, both of whom it seems are smoking the same shit because they are mad, and seriously gunning for me over something stupid! Basically, a few months back mom asked me to build her a braai in exchange for the telephoto lens she gave me. Fine, great deal, all good. A few weeks back I committed to doing the work this weekend on Saturday and Monday, which was fine, no objections from mom. The deadline was Christmas, she would have got her braai by Christmas. This week I've been planning and looking around for materials, yesterday she asked me what the plan is and how much it's going to cost. This morning I suggested a ballpark worst case scenario figure of R2000. She stripped her moer and told me it's too expensive and I should not worry. Suddenly little brother is chipping in that I'm being stubborn and I should pay half because of the value of the lens, etc. I'm like, what the fuck did I do to deserve that? So they can all get fucked! I will give the lens back, much as I love it, I won't be held to ransom and put up with these petty guilt trips because mom is throwing a tantrum! Fuck that, I've got enough to worry about, as you may have noticed from the text above!

Never in my life have I been this stressed. This morning again wife & I had gut wrenching discussions about the money, or complete lack there-of. We are so deep in the shit financially, and the fact that I'm losing my job soon is terrifying, I get knots or butterflies, whatever you call that feeling in the stomach every time I think about it and sometimes I can feel my heart going apeshit in my chest. This burden and worry is going to be the end of me, whether by heart attack or pushing me to the limits. I have always believed I'm a stronger person than taking one's own life, it's a cowardly thing to do, but how much can a man take? Surely we all have a breaking point because sometimes I feel close. The weight of burden is just getting heavy. And fuck anybody that says things like "you're luckier than many people, there's people with bigger problems than yours, stay positive, there is a solution, have faith that you will get through this, etc, etc". You don't fucking know what I'm going through or how hard all this is for me! I suck at everything I try, I have failed as a man and I have nothing to offer the world or my family despite a lifetime of trying! Fuck the bullshit of being a quitter, etc, I'm not a quitter but I am losing faith and hope that I will ever be successful at anything! My photography - mediocre, my drumming - I'm not a good drummer, etc. Things I love doing, yet I can't be good at! My job - something I can do in my sleep yet I'm losing out to corporate politics under the premise that I'm not good enough because I don't have a piece of paper that says I am! 

I hate being such an angry person, I hate feeling so down and depro and constantly worried and afraid and inferior to everybody around me! I hate it and I'm fucking sick of it! I feel like shit because of other people and it's making hate humanity. I wish I could just take my camera and my computer and disappear alone into the bush, away from people and their bullshit, alone with wild Africa, one of my biggest loves in life, a love so far away and financially impossible to enjoy. But I would be happy being alone in the wild with a camera. Though I'll need to invest in a new zoom lens since I'm giving the one I have back to my mother to clear my conscience.

It saddens me to the core that I've come to hate life this much, not life itself because being alive should be wonderful, but my own life sucks, really it does. I'm feeling horribly sorry for myself and that makes me feel weak and cowardly and solidifies the fact that I'm a failure. I don't want to feel like this or be this person, and I don't want to throw in the towel and give it all up, but I also don't know how to get back up and out of this impossible hole. It's so deep and dark down here. What the fuck am I supposed to do?

What the fuck am I supposed to do???

Don't worry, I'll still be here tomorrow and the next day, probably still bitching about my problems, but I don't have the balls to end my own life so I'll just stick around and drag my family through the mud that is my mess of a life until someday they wake up and move on to find greener pastures.

Yo

And so it goes, I have to go to bed unceremoniously, quietly, because life sucks that way! I mutherfucking hate this way of life.

I just heard a gunshot outside, heard a bottle smash, or what sounded like it. (quickly closed windows and curtains) scared like a poes.

Did I mention I hate this couped up shit?

I don't want to be here anymore.

10 years!

That's 10 years married to my beautiful wife Liezel! Almost, in 2 hours time...

I'd love to tell you what an amazingly awesome perfect 10 years it's been,