A lifestyle journey

This is one of those random "let's write a quick blog during lunch" moments. Lets see what comes out of it...

Enjoying a local craft beer yesterday at Obz Cafe while Tammy
did dress rehearsal for her concert.

For starters, as many of my Facebook friends saw a few days ago, I've passed the 3 month milestone since quitting smoking, again. I realise these non-smoker timeline announcements don't quite have the same exciting impact as they did the first time I quit in November 2012, after being a relatively heavy smoker since the age of 18. That was a big occasion, one to be proud of and one I was very chaffed with myself over as was everybody who knew me. So it goes without saying that starting up again last year was probably the dumbest thing I've ever done. It started as just a puff at a party, then bummed a whole smoke on the sneak like a naughty schoolboy, before long I very guiltily (I recall that moment clearly) bought a packet of Styvesant Blue, and for a few months gradually built up the momentum and a solid addiction all the while doing it on the sly, too embarrassed to let my family find out. One of my lowest ever life moments was when my daughter Tammy caught me, her absolute disappointment broke my heart. But at the same time came as a relief that I no longer had to sneak around since most people now knew and I'd learned to smoke away the embarrassment. The addiction which had taken a solid grip on my brain was stronger than my shame. So I suppose when I quit again this time round I can accept that people probably take it less seriously. But the difference is I know what a ridiculously stupid thing it was to light up again, and this time I will stick to not smoking for life because I'm psychologically ready, fully aware that I don't need that poison in my system for any reason and the only excuse to ever smoke again will be pathetic, disconcerted weakness. I couldn't bear doing that to Tammy again! Besides, part of the motivation to quit this time round has been the running and fitness. My lungs simply cannot handle where I'm trying to take my body. I nearly barfed my lungs out on the track on that first trail run in August, was so out of breath I had to stop, wheezing and gasping fighting to get some oxygen back in my veins. That's when I realised I have a choice: to carry on smoking and getting fat from laziness and progressively unhealthy and ugly and probably die in the next few years in great discomfort and shameful misery, or quit that shit and get fit and healthy and handsome and enjoy a longer life looking decent and feeling strong, confident and alive.

Why we actually allow ourselves to get to that point where we realise we have to make that life or death choice is beyond comprehension. But that's what these addictions to these bad lifestyle choices do, they manipulate us gradually over time, weakening our resolve into believing that the unhealthy lifestyle (smoking, drinking, eating crap and doing no exercise) is easier, and as time goes on the prospect of getting fit and healthy seems more and more impossible and less likely (and we can all admit that the desire to get healthy, quit smoking, etc is always there harassing our conscience, but just not strong enough to kick our fat arses into action!) And yes, making that change, that lifestyle U-turn, from the point where I was 4 months ago, is a daunting task, a massively steep uphill, one that appears almost impossible. A decision that's too easy to postpone to "another day". But I realised that it's a choice that simply has to be made if I'm going to be around to see my daughter grow up. And yes, it is difficult, especially at the beginning, it takes a lot of effort to eat right, exercise often, while dealing with withdrawal from an awful drug addiction to nicotine, but it gets easier. The cravings for a smoke are completely gone, each run or workout gets easier and becomes more enjoyable, and eating the right stuff becomes normal. Eg. I'm now enjoying coffee without sugar, or any form of sweetener. Coffee with sugar is actually gross! I see sweeteners for coffee in the same light as nicotine patches/gums/etc as replacements for smoking. You're still feeding the addiction. It's like feeding an alcoholic vodka through intravenous drips to help quit "drinking". It's pointless! I avoid sugar as far as possible, no coke & other sodas, no sweets & cakes, condiments like chutney, etc. That alone makes a huge difference to weight loss and well being. The other half of the diet is to avoid carbs (bread, wheat, pasta, taters, rice, etc) as far as possible, while allowing these in small moderation as a treat and not a staple. But it is hard work preparing carb-less food, and rather expensive. Vegetables are stupidly expensive! No wonder we are a nation of fat slobs, people live on grain based food because it's cheap!

Anyway, the exercise thing has taken a back seat for the last two weeks since I came down with a bad dose of flu, I can feel the laziness setting in again; this evening I'll once more brave the chaos of the gym for a good cardio and strength workout. I'm excited to get back into the routine. On Saturday a bunch of us are doing the Winelads 10km race, I'm looking forward to that. The weight loss has flatlined for a while now, it's time to bend that curve back down again toward that target which is what I am now minus another 15kg.

So on other news, this last weekend was hectic busy, except Friday night, I took that easy in anticipation for a long Saturday... which started off at 5am as a marshal for the West Coast half marathon. My first time marshaling a race and have to say I quite enjoyed it. Every race we run is hosted by the local running club, and that club's members volunteer as the marshals, this keeps the cost of races to a minimum while the club earns a bit of valuable income. Since I run often these days I felt it only fair to do my share of marshaling.

I can see how often marshals are perceived to be on power trips, because one does have momentarily the power of directing and channeling a lot of people and the power to stop and control traffic. Which I did a lot of, though it wasn't an arrogant thing, I've seen marshals who do get big-headed and they tend to piss people off and make fools of themselves. I really enjoyed the vibe and the appreciation of thousands of runners in helping them enjoy a smoother run. I met some nice people, and saw a lot of cheeky bums in tight pants trotting past!

Thereafter I went home, made breakfast, got the car washed, then we hit the road for the familiar 4 hour road trip to Witsand for my dad's 60th birthday dinner. Albeit a short visit I really enjoyed it especially because my adorable little old Granny was there. I don't get to see her often, and for the first time ever we had 4 generations of the family together with my brother and I, our kids, dad and gran, which of course we had to get a photo of.

Me, my dad, granny (dad's mom), my brother Warryn, my daughter Tammy and Warryn's daughter Jess.

A rare moment indeed, and a precious one. Granny is getting on in life, it's unlikely this same photo will ever be re-created. Anyway, we had a great dinner, ate and drank merrily as we sent dad off into his 60's. These special family moments don't happen often enough!

On Sunday morning we hit the road back home early, at 6.30am, to make it in time for Tammy to perform in her drama pirate production, "Pirate Joe". It was the year end culmination of 2 terms of Drama as an extra mural with the Helen O'Grady Drama Academy. The show was super cute, I got lots of photo's which I don't have with me now, I'll post some of them up later, after gym. My little girl was a super star, even though her part was small, she did so well, once again I'm the proudest dad in town!

Then last night we ordered pizza as a treat for Tammy, and I was guilty of ingesting all those evil carbs, but it was a rare treat which we enjoyed. I washed it down with a few enjoyable stiff whiskeys to end off a hectic weekend.

You see, that's my next vice that I need to tackle - the drinking. Although for health reasons I generally only drink whiskey with water or soda, I know I drink far more than is good for me. My alcoholism is another addiction which still has a tight grip and I'm not sure how to tackle this one, as some of you may know this is something I've been battling alone for many years, a while back I even had a blog about it called Diary of a Dipsomaniac, but don't bother looking for it, I took that one down long time ago. It got rather embarrassingly personal as I wrote long posts while I was zonked, feeling sorry for myself and moaning about the woe's of my life. That's not the case now, I don't have pity parties, I know what the problem is, I just need to find a way to deal with it which will probably involve psychological preparation and a change of mindset like when I quit smoking. Except this will be a lot harder! Don't ask me why, it just will!

But that will come in due course, my last big hurdle of the road to fit & healthy longevity, providing I can avoid the proverbial bus on the way!

Have a nice day, I need to go earn some peanuts...

Granny, Tammy and me.

Escape!

It's days like today that I would like nothing more than to jump in my Land Rover and disappear for a few days deep into the wilderness, alone with my camera and a few bare necessities. Out of range of cell phone reception or modern communication networks.

Days like today when the pressure of making the right decisions becomes too heavy a burden to bear, I wish I could just run away and escape the responsibility of making said decisions which either way are going to upset people I care about. I hate hurting people, yet somehow that just seems to come naturally with me! I land myself in the middle of situations which inevitable cause somebody else anguish or inconvenience.

This story about Christmas, and cancelling out the expensive aspects to it, is really becoming awkward and uncomfortable. I'm dreading explaining to my parents that we won't be attending their usual Christmas events because of financial limitations due to the cost of putting Tammy into a better school. I simply can't afford the cost of buying gifts and expensive meals and long distance travel this year, but somehow, without even having faced the music, I'm feeling horribly guilty and foolish, like I'm letting everybody down and causing major inconveniences and unpleasantness, which is not the intention!

And here we have the type of reasons why I hate Christmas! It's never a happy time to look forward to, it's a miserable, stressful, depressing time riddled with guilt trips! I've not done anything wrong! Why do I feel so bad? And sad!

One of these days I'd like to write a blog about something happy and positive...

Christmas is Cancelled

To elaborate on yesterday's post, we have decided to cancel Christmas this year in my family for financial reasons.

Tammy will still get some nice gifts, the main one we already bought a while back, and we will make Christmas special for her, but we are pulling out of the family events and cancelling our travelling plans for the December holidays.

The reason being, we're moving Tammy to a different school in 2016, which I'll elaborate below. The move involves a large deposit (refundable when she leaves the school) which we were hoping to get help with from a family member who has unfortunately been unable to come to the party, meaning we've had to come up with R40k at short notice, which we've done through credit, but it means that for the foreseeable future we have zero disposable cash for anything other than bare necessities. This means no money for travelling and no money for Christmas gifts for anybody, even small ones.

This is a regrettable decision, one we are sad about, and one that will no doubt cause some shit in the family because it means we're dropping people and there are less presents to go under the collective tree. Believe me I'd love nothing more than to have no restrictions on the amount of money available to buy everybody wonderful gifts which they can be impressed with and love me more for, but unfortunately this decision is because we are striving to provide our only child with the best possible education and foundation for a good life, and at times like this means sacrifice and some inconvenience. Although saying that, it's not really a terrible thing for us. We'll be fine on our own, we'll have a pleasant little family Christmas at home and a nice quiet holiday. It'll be like we're still abroad, and we were quite happy back then. Though I don't expect everybody will be quite understanding of the situation, this is what it is and we'll do what we have to to make it work.

About the school; we are really sad to be leaving the CBC family. Tammy has been there since grade 00 through grade 0, R, 1 and 2. She's been happy, made lots of friends and her teachers have mostly been nothing short of incredible. We will miss the people at CBC and are grateful for them being instrumental in shaping Tammy into the awesome little girl she's developed into. But, the school has also started to fall by the wayside as far as management is concerned. Apart from having consistently appalling communication, the school seems to be having financial difficulties, the pressure of which is being passed onto the parents in the form of a 12% fee increase for 2016 which they cannot reasonably justify. The financial presentation offered to the parents last week was poor, inconclusive and indicative that the school is pulling the wool over our eyes. The school is a full NPO, meaning there are zero resources to fall back on and parent school fees are the only source of income. This is a big burden and a concern because if times get tighter there will be problems, and there are minimal funds for development like building a swimming pool or secure fencing between the kids and the drug dealers on the main road. Additional funds will need to come from our pockets too in the form of various fundraisers, should the school take on new projects.

The new school we're moving to, Elkanah House, is a highly spoken of school, one of the best in the Cape Town region, and although more expensive than CBC it has all the facilities like a pool, auditorium, great extra murals, etc on site. The teachers are world class, the school is small and well established, and is financially secure. It's generally a better school than CBC and we're fortunate to have bagged a spot for Tammy for grade 3. It's a big decision but one we've thought through and discussed extensively.

It just means we'll need to bite the bullet for a while until the deposit is paid off. We also need to buy new school uniforms, school bags, stationery, etc which also amounts to a lot of money which we need to come up with.

So hopefully this explains satisfactorily why we are cancelling Christmas this year - we had to choose between Christmas and Tammy's education. Sorry but it's a no brainer!

The Burden of Christmas

What have we done to Christmas? 

It's no longer what it used to be, what it's meant to be, which in my mind is a happy time spent with our families celebrating the birthday of Christ as good Christians should. A day of fun, laughter, good food and drink and unwinding together after a long year of toiling at the grindstone with the usual cheesy Christmas music in the background.

Instead Christmas has become the obligatory period of annual commercialism, the stressful time of being expected to spend vast amounts of money we don't have on Christmas presents. A time for shitting over what to buy for who and how much we have to spend on each person. A time of enormous stress and pressure to impress people who should love each other unconditionally, irrespective of who spends the most on who!

Christmas has become a luxury for the rich and a financial burden for the poor!



I rate myself in the bracket of being relatively poor as far as disposable income is concerned, I do not have spare cash for lavish gifts for everybody that I'm obliged to supply gifts for, this time of year for me is nothing but unpleasant stress over the looming massive financial burden, and to be honest, since returning from our 8 years abroad, away from this burden, I have come to HATE Christmas more and more each year. It causes fights between my wife and I and I have the stressful worry of what the hell do I buy for the people on the list I'm obliged to buy for and how am I going to afford it! Why has it become about this? Personally, Christmas is depressing! And no doubt I'm an asshole for thinking that way, because people are selfish!

I'm sure many will disagree with this sentiment and come with all kinds of crap like being creative and keeping it cheap! Well I'm not creative like that, I do not know what to make or buy for people, I don't know what people want or need, and worrying about it only makes me angry and resent this whole commercial culture of Christmas even more. Inevitably the result is having to trudge through shopping malls looking for gifts, or even worse, getting dragged through shopping malls for hours on end by my wife. There is nothing I enjoy less than getting dragged around shopping malls. My dear wife can attest to the fact that simply entering a shopping mall makes me intensely grumpy, and having to do that shit in the chaotic weeks preceding Christmas is for me pure painful HELL!!!

Back in the days when we were still in London, Christmas obligations involved a few phone calls back home, thereafter we were free to hook up with friends and go out and enjoy the day without the obligatory financial burden of having to buy stuff for lots of people. A thoughtful gift shared between wife and I was sufficient, the time together enjoying the day was worth far more!

Don't get me wrong, I love my family and I do enjoy spending some time with them, but this sick culture of handing out costly gifts to each other, for which we are being judged on based on how much money we spent on each person, makes me depressed. I cannot spend as much as some people so inevitably end up feeling guilty or left out. Certain people end up with mountains of expensive gifts while others not so much, and one kid usually ends up with more presents to open than the other. It's all disproportionate, it's messy, and at the end of it we are left with large bags of expensive torn-up wrappings and piles of random stuff which inevitably ends up in storage or lying around the home. And of course the kids end up with a mountain of unappreciated toys they barely notice as they rip open one after another, most they will probably only play with once then dump in the bottomless pit of the toy box! It's a big goddamned waste!

That said, I actually don't mind the kids getting some nice gifts, that's how it should be - gifts for the kids, the adults should not be obliged to buy stuff for each other. I do appreciate the gifts I get, very much, but it's usually stuff I don't need or don't use. How many bottles of shower gel I've collected over the years I can't tell you, and I've never used shower gel!

So what now, how does one escape this expectation to spend money on expensive gifts without being offensive? I've tried making the suggestion before that we only get gifts for the kids and not adults, but those who can afford to buy for everybody also expect to receive lavish gifts to open in the frenzy of present opening, which for some of us happens two or three times as we go to different groups of family. So of course the obligation cannot be ignored! Each year my wife and I discuss going away over Christmas to avoid all this, but in reality it won't help because despite sucking up the cost of travelling we will still be obliged to supply gifts for the same people, whether we see them on Christmas or not, because they have bought stuff for us! And of course we'll be perceived to be rude for not attending family functions over Christmas, and we'll be guilted for denying Tammy the opportunity to open huge piles of presents.

I realise this will be seen as one of my more controversial rants which no doubt will be taken far more personally by some than is intended, but this is just the way I feel. I hate Christmas and the culture that Christmas has become about. It's actually a depressing time and I would rather skip it all and disappear out into the wilderness, away from the madness! I doubt my absence would even be noticed.

But, that joy of fast forwarding past it all is not to be. No doubt my wife and I will have numerous more fights over what to buy for who and who is paying for what, then I'll get dragged miserably through Canal Walk a few times spending what precious little money I don't have on menial gifts to wrap, before we head off to mom's place for the usual Christmas Eve gift opening fiasco and then to Witsand for more of the same, the rest of the time at both spent on cooking, eating enormous volumes of food, and cleaning up. Then before you look again it's over, and we're fat and broke with bags of arb stuff to find place for in our cluttered homes and a fresh new gutter of debt to fill up.

Happy f***ng Christmas everybody!

Stupid stupid everywhere!!!

I'm writing this blog, not out of well informed information and experience, but rather as a frustrated spectator, a furious member of society watching yet another disaster unfolding in my beloved country at the hands of a bunch of opportunistic, idiotic, violent thugs who are bringing the entire nations tertiary education institutions to a standstill through riots and hooliganism in the name of an otherwise just cause!

"phew, deep breath"!

Of course I'm talking about the protests escalating into riots at South Africa's universities.

I've been following the news, listening to interviews and reading the forums so I may not have all the facts but I have a decent idea of what's going on...

Rabbit food again!

Oh man I'm so over lettuce leaves, cucumber and baby/plum/cherry tomatoes! Seriously!
I'm enjoying doing the healthy thing and for the most part my lunch salads are great, especially when I've taken the time to cook up some spicy chicken and croutons for the week. But for the lettuce (etc) leaves especially - I'm done with that now! Any more and I'm going to spout rabbit ears, teeth like Naas Botha, and a pair of plump tomatoes dangling between my legs!

Today's salad - lettuce, cucumber, tomatoes, feta, chopped olives, raisins, mixed seeds, tuna and lemon juice.

Solution: need to get more creative with lunches, while keeping it affordable, healthy and simple to slap together in the 10 minutes time allows for making lunches during the morning rush to get ready and off to work on time!

Pre-matric dance photo shoot

Last week I was hired (by my boss) to photograph a couple of youngsters before they headed off to their matric dance at my old school, Fairmont High in Durbanville.

There were two parts to the shoot. First stop was at Altydgedacht Wine Farm near Durbanville. I arrived to find my boss' son Mark and his date for the dance, Talia, busy with a photo shoot by a photographer hired by Talia's family, which I didn't expect. I kept my distance until they were done then I took over and did my shoot under some trees and in a spectacular field of flowers. This took about half an hour. Talia was a treat to shoot, very photogenic and beautiful girl.

Then, I took Mark and we headed down the road to the D'Aria wine estate, we left Talia behind at Altydgedacht waiting for her dad to collect her.

At D'Aria we hooked up with Mark's family, and his girlfriend all dolled up for some photo's. I then proceeded to photograph Mark and his girlfriend, then later with his family and some mates from school.

The whole setup was rather odd, but anyway, I wasn't hired to comment! I'm quite happy with the resulting images, below is a selection:

Full-fat vs. fat-free - the controversy.

Ok I'm by no means an expert on this debate between whether low-fat/fat-free or full-fat foods are better for diet and weight loss! I've always believed that low fat or fat free products, particularly dairy, is beneficial in losing weight, in conjunction with cutting out fatty products like trimming fat off steak and chops (this I hate, the fat is the best part), and cutting out as many oils and oily foods as possible; along with carbs and sugars for which there's little dispute - carbs turn to sugars and sugars are poisonous to our bodies!

But after doing research lately and listening to many other opinions, brought on by the recent craze around the Banting and Paleo type diets I've been convinced that keeping the fat in the food, such as the fat on meat and full cream milk, yoghurt, etc is indeed not only healthy, but also beneficial in losing weight!

Now I'm not going to go into all the technicalities just yet because I'm still learning and gathering facts, which is hampered by the vastly conflicting views on the subject in publications by "experts" having studied the issue of fats from various perspectives, and whether they are good for us or not and by what degrees and breakdowns by types and food sources, etc. Eg,

Sushi Ninja's scoffing Springbok biltong

By now it's common knowledge that the mighty two-time Rugby World Cup winners - the Springboks - were defeated in their opening 2015 RWC game by Japan, a team commonly perceived to be one of the minnows in world rugby. Well this underestimated little team of unknown ninjas caused the biggest upset in World Cup history and one of the biggest embarrassments in the history of the sport; particularly since the Springboks have been bragging about being the most experienced team in the tournament. This boast has also backfired since the iconic loss is now being partly attributed to the poor team selection of a bunch of geriatrics, great legends of their time who have
apparently reached the end of their shelf life and should be allowing the fantastic fresh young talent available in this country the opportunity to prove their worth and show how they've learned from the invaluable experience of the old boys!

Drummer Jokes

As a drummer I can tell you that us drummers have a great sense of humor! True story!

So much so that we'll publicly share and laugh at jokes making us out to be idiots knowing that this is of course not true, drummers are in fact more intelligent than the rest of the band, and everybody else! This fact is derived from research done at Stockholm's Karolinska Institutet, and other studies compiled by news and analytics site Policyymic. So shove that up your hubbly bubbly and smoke it!

Read the article here...

These lame jokes depicting drummers as being slobbering morons no doubt arises from simmering jealousy by the rest of the band, who are indeed inferior in intellect. Therefore, in order to keep them from blowing their bonnets and exposing their true intelligence levels, or lack thereof, we the humble drummers choose to suck up the punches and just laugh along at the jokes without reciprocating (except occasionally at the bass players who're about as bright as a chunk of limestone), allowing said band mates to believe they are smarter. This is for the sake of the band, we don't need the guys at the front getting any more insecure, would we!

(I reckon my band mates from Sanskara will be having stern words with me before tomorrow night's gig if they read this! Hahaha!)

Without further ado, enjoy the funnies:


What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
You only have to punch the information into a drum machine once.

What's the best way to confuse a drummer?
Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.

What's the difference between a drummer and a savings bond?
One will mature and make money.

What did the drummer say to the band leader?
Do you want me to play too fast or too slow?

Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in the car?
He had to break the car window to get the drummer out.

How can you tell a drummer's at the door? The knocking speeds up.

What's the last thing a drummer says in a band? "Hey, how about we try one of my songs?"

An Indian chief and a cavalry captain climb to the top of a tall hill and look out upon the entire Indian tribe. The captain says worriedly, "I don't like the sound of those drums." The chief says, "I know. It's not our regular drummer."

What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend? Homeless.

What do Ginger Baker and black coffee have in common? They both suck without Cream.

How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: One to screw the bulb in, and four to talk about how much better Stuart Copeland could've done it.

An amateur drummer died and went to heaven. He was waiting outside the pearly gates when he heard the most incredible fast and furious drumming coming from within. Immediately he recognized the playing and rushed to ask St. Peter if that was Buddy Rich playing drums inside the gates. St. Peter responded: "No, that's God. He just thinks he's Buddy Rich."

How do you get a drummer off of your porch?
Pay him 10 bucks for the pizza.

What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
Gifted.

What does a drummer use for contraception?
His personality.

What do you say to a drummer in a three-piece suit?
"Will the defendant please rise?"

"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about half a beat behind the drummer."

Hey, did you hear about the drummer who finished high school?
Me neither.

Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car?
So they can park in the handicapped spot.

How is a drum solo like a sneeze?
You know it's coming, but there's nothing you can do about it.

Why do drummers have lots of kids?
They're not too good at the Rhythm Method
.
What do you do if you accidentally run over a drummer?
Reverse.

Deep in the African jungle, a safari was camped for the night. In the darkness, distant drums began a relentless throbbing that continued until dawn. The safari members were disturbed, but the guide reassured them: "Drums good. When drums stop, very bad." Every night the drumming continued, and every night the guide reiterated, "Drums good. When drums stop, VERY bad." This continues for several days until one morning the drumming suddenly stops and all the natives panic and run screaming. The man asks the guide what's the matter? The guide looking very frightened says: "When drums stop, VERY, VERY bad," he said. "Why is it bad?" asked a member of the safari. "Because when drums stop, bass solo begin!"

Run Fatboy, Run!

Ha ha can you believe, one day into the blog thing, it's now lunch break - the time I'd designated to compose another entry, and here I sit with apparent writers block. I've got a few full-feature topics I'll cover in detailed dedicated blog articles as time marches on, but today I don't have time or inclination to think that hard, so for now you'll have to bear with what little news of interest I can suck up.

For starters, I'm air-drumming like an idiot at my desk along with Halestorm. This band is really awesome, I dare you to have a listen, if you like good female-fronted rock you'll dig this! This track, "I Miss the Misery", is one of the best:

Once Upon a Time...

Hello and welcome to The Daily Drumroll!

For those of you who've known me for a few years you'll remember my previous blog from around 3 years ago, "The Daily Noodle", well this is kind of the revival of that. You could say the irrational tantrum-induced teenager has since grown up... A little! Ha ha! (I've removed all the old Noodle posts, for dignity's sake.) This blog will (hopefully) be more interesting, diverse and rational with less of the old foul-mouthed rants which were largely the product of a frustratingly boring and demeaning day job at the time since many of the entries then were composed during working hours as a means to break the monotony; instead you'll enjoy more interesting, entertaining, funny and useful reads with no doubt a few of my legendary "facepalm" moments along the way.

What to do...

Somehow I need to pull myself together and sort my shit out. I don't know how, but it's either that or throw in the towel, which I don't want. Fact is I need help. Again I don't know what or from where, and I don't quite know how to ask for it without making more of a humiliated ass of myself than I already have. I'm sick of worrying and being afraid and feeling sorry for myself and especially for being such a loser asshole.

I've got a gorgeous little girl who adores me and doesn't understand the personal hell I'm going through, nobody does. My wife knows I'm a miserable fuck but that's all she sees and then turns the focus onto her own worries and in the same breath insults me and tells me what an idiot I am. That is not quite the help I'm looking for. I don't want my marriage to end, but it doesn't feel like a marriage, it feels like I'm a hassle and a burden to my wife, she reminds me of that constantly both blatantly and with subtle indication. To a degree I understand her frustration as I'm not an easy bloke to deal with, but in the ideal world we should be supporting each other not just with lectures and speeches and sarcasm, or is it how it works?

Anyway I have had enough feeling sorry for myself, and feeling so alone. I need a game plan. But first I need to get finished editing and deliver these three jobs! And find a job. And quit drinking. And lose weight and get fit and healthy and start training for 2 Oceans. And and and...

Crap and there's my course too, which I'm not going to finish in time. I'm going to have to ask them very nicely for an extension without having to pay the R1500 which I simply cannot afford! Otherwise it's a forfeit!

Suck!

I fucking hate my life right now. I am afraid to think how much worse it can get and to be honest I don't want this pathetic excuse for an existence anymore. No I'm not drunk, I'm trying to give that bullshit drinking up. Who knows, maybe it will last 3 days, a week, a month, before I hit the bottle and fuck up properly again like I did so well on new years eve. After my stupidity that night again I actually walked away in my drunken stupor and walked through the bush and swamps in the night for about 10km, new years fireworks exploding in the distance. I had no intention of coming back. But after waking up somewhere in the bush shivering with cold, bugs crawling over me, I headed back to my daughter, freezing, tired, sore and thirsty. Nobody is even aware of what I put myself through that night, all they see is the asshole that can't handle his booze and fucked up yet again. Maybe they thought I ran off to sit in a pub or something. Honestly, who cares. It's a very lonely place!

Fact is my future looks bleak and I'm a miserable sod with very little enjoyment in life, some of which was cut off again today when my wife cut the dstv subscription. Now this house is like darker and quiet. It's a simple thing, but the TV is like a central point, a means of relaxing and distraction. It's just become a more unpleasant place to be.

2013 started off horribly and it's only getting worse and with my impending job loss is going to become a nightmare. I wish I didn't have to carry on, and if it weren't for Tammy I would not.

But like I said - who gives a shit!

Life

(This post was written a few weeks back, I haven't had the balls to post it, not like anybody is likely to read it anyway!)

Today has turned into another one of those days that are gracing themselves more and more often in my life in times of late.

The short of it – it’s a shit day with the weight of all my personal burdens just getting the better of my emotions and usual determination to remain positive, rendering me despondent, demotivated and depressed.

The long of it is my mind has been filled uncontrollably with thoughts that do not define the person that I am, thoughts of a permanent relief to the crushing weight of my problems. Like my Facebook status today said “This dark hole is getting so deep I can’t see the top anymore.” Which is how I feel on days like today, yet nobody understands.

Yes maybe I am feeling somewhat sorry for myself, and no I’m not looking for attention. I’m not arrogant or insecure like that, ie. threatening suicide to get people to notice me, it’s not an open advert. So why am I writing this here on this blog?... probably on some level it is a whimper for help, and I don’t know who to talk to so I’ll just talk to anybody who cares to read this, if anybody at all. I’ve always found it easier to write down my thoughts and feelings than discuss them openly because the page doesn't talk back or belittle me or insult me or argue, it just passively listens. Besides, any time I reveal any kind of emotional stress I get told I need to “see somebody”, ie a shrink. Sorry but I’m just not comfortable with being pushed into phoning the company-sponsored psychologist, a complete stranger, and blurting out all my personal problems and suicidal fantasies. It’s probably a combination of pride and embarrassment and shame at all my failures, but I just don’t see the point in exposing myself like that in such an impersonal way to somebody who doesn't know me. And I don’t see how it will solve my problems. Yet there is nobody else I can have a reasonable discussion with either, so I’ll stick to this medium of writing down how I feel in the hope that some brilliant idea will overwhelm me that will be my savior (and that does not imply any religious intervention, I’ve kind of lost faith in that regard too, praying and believing does not bring forth any solutions). Not that I’m sitting back waiting for free stuff, much like the mentality of the millions of b***k people in this country, no I’m prepared to work to succeed, but I don’t know what work to do that is going to get me out of this bottomless pit because nothing I do bears any fruit, in fact it genuinely feels like I just go backwards no matter how hard I try, with everything!

Even as I write this there’s something inside me that’s making me feel like a retard for the things I’m saying and thinking. I mean, surely it’s not that bad, there are people out there with much bigger problems.... that’s the guilt trip that my own conscience and no doubt other know-it-all’s will load onto me. Maybe so, but my own issues have gotten to the point where it’s too much for me to handle alone, I’m overwhelmed, depressed, and terrified at what my future holds and consequently what hardships my own failures will burden my dear family with unless some miracle comes my way, or I die and my family will at least get some financial relief through insurance pay-outs and not have me depressing them all the time with my bad moods and bleak financial future.

That’s the reality of what I’m battling with in my head and it’s making me miserable, especially on days like this when I get reminded of my own shortcomings by people who think their own shit doesn't stink. Eg, less than an hour ago my boss reminding me yet again that I’ll be out of a job soon because of my inadequate training. I do not show it but inside it is crushing, humiliating, degrading and incredibly hurtful. Similar feeling last night while editing photo’s when I’m struggling to make my images took good, let alone professional, and feeling like some progress is made, when a fellow photographer, who was photographing the same people at the same event produces images of a quality I do not come anywhere close to. I do not have the ability or the know how, let alone talent, to compete with that and it made me realise that without proper training, which I have neither the finances or time for, I don’t stand a chance! Yes I get jealous of people that can produce such mindblowing work because I also want to be like that, but being stuck in this rapidly deepening financial pit it is just not looking like a reality, not any time soon! Yet somehow I have to produce something out of my arse because I have 3 big jobs paid for already that needs to be delivered soon and the amount of work I face with my amateur skills is colossal. Each evening when I sit down with my editing after a long kak day at my soul-destroying day job and try to figure out ways of making my photo’s look great I sit there with blanks in my head, I simply don’t know how to make them look fantastic like other good photographers do, and I should be at that level by now. Then I get irritated, agitated, angry, demotivated and ultimately distracted, often ending up back in the bottle. I love love love photography with a passion, so why the fuck can I not produce images that portrays that? Why can’t I produce sharp, beautiful, colourful photos that make people go “wow”, like the photos that I see others producing??? My images are dull, fuzzy, grainy, incorrectly exposed and usually far too fucking orange! Hard as I try they just look shit, and there's only so much I can do in Lightroom to fix them! Don’t even talk about Photoshop – I know the real photo artists work in Photoshop but I simply don’t know how. A friend showed me a few tricks the other day, there was so much going on I don’t remember what or how she did it. And yes I could probably learn with a lot of trial and error practice, but right now I have shitloads of photo’s to produce that I just don’t have the time!

Add to that my course – it needs to be finished in 6 weeks’ time and it is simply not going to be done in time because I do not have the time to do it! So it’s going to cost me R1500 for an extension. I don’t have that kind of spare cash! It’s so disappointing because I like this course and I’ve been determined to finish it. So much in my life I started and never finished – I really want to finish this one and get that diploma. Somewhere I’ll have to produce the money for the extension, I just have to, or miraculously get the last 7 modules done by then!

I am determined to make a career out of photography, but why is it so difficult just to get the basics right? When I’m out of a job at the end of next month I had grand plans of going solo as a photographer, but I have realised that I need to find another dead end meaningless degrading low-end job in the corporate world because with the quality of work that I cannot produce I’m not going to be hired by the big spenders, the competition out there is just far too vast and superior! So there goes my dreams…

Unfortunately, thanks to deeper debt than I’ve ever known and huge monthly financial commitments I absolutely have to find a replacement income from February. This single fact is the cause of the majority of the stress and depression I’m going through, it’s a worry and a burden unlike I have ever felt before and the primary reason I have been having thoughts of suicide. Effectively I will be worth more to my family dead than alive, in fact alive I will be a burden on them. Not that I want to die, but lying in bed last night thinking about it the thought of dying almost felt like a kind of relief from the gut-wrenching soul-dissolving stress I’m under and seeing no way out of the fuck-up that my life has become and the loser that it’s resulted in. I am not and cannot seem to be the man that I want to be so now I feel small, insignificant, and worthless and I hate myself. Genuinely I do!

The fact that I’m losing my job because I’m not qualified enough, despite having being doing the job for over 5 years, is destroying me! These arrogant obnoxious corrupt ass licking motherfuckers in this company are working me out of the system and any chance of a career in this line because I don’t have the qualifications that compliment the ego of the poes who has taken it upon himself to play god in this institution and I refuse to be one of his tail of bum lickers. So I have to go. It’s a grossly unfair situation, and as these kunts have said I will not find another job in the same line of work because of my lack of tertiary education. I feel betrayed and discriminated against because I have done a good job here, I’ve been loyal and a good asset to the company and I wanted to stay here long term because of the potential benefits to study through the company. I’ve sucked up the shit the ego-bashers have fed me for three fucking years in the hope of securing a permanent job but the new boss in town would rather boost his own ego with a team of over-qualified like minded arrogants to do the mindless repetitive work that I am fully capable of doing. It’s fucked up and completely degrading and if I didn't need this salary to the very last day I would walk out here today and save what’s left of my dignity. But I can’t do that, I am forced to continue wasting my time, pride and life in this, what has now become, a shit-hole, and suck it up until the end of January; at which point if I do not have an alternative income one of two things will happen – I put my house on the market so the bills can be paid, or my life comes to an end so the debts can be paid out by insurance and my family will be financially sound for the foreseeable future. I desperately don’t want either of those scenarios to play out, and if there is any glimmer of hope for some other opportunity that presents itself in my whiskey pickled brain I will take it with open arms for the sake of providing for my family!

Which brings me to the next colossal fuck-up of my life – alcoholism! My alcoholic addiction which still controls me, my life, my family, my health and my future or lack there-of. I've written in depth about this many times in the past and nothing has changed, I still binge drink regularly to the point of total inebriation then feel like shit in a puddle the whole of the next day. I hate this addiction, I hate being drunk and I hate being hungover and useless, but most of all I despise the time and productivity that gets lost because I’m either drunk or hungover. With everything else on my plate these days I've actually given up trying to fight it and just go along with satisfying the urge to drink every few days as it grabs me. It’s an impossible thing to fight alone and I don’t see any practical means of help or support so it will just have to continue until such time as it kills me (which I don’t mind the idea of right now) or, again, some miracle happens, which with my luck is not going to happen.

As of the last few weeks there is another thing which has greatly compounded my depression – my health! Once again I am grossly overweight, unfit, lazy and unhealthy, and I feel absolutely disgusting and revolted in myself. I feel sick when I see myself in the mirror, almost back to my size and ugliness of the days before I put in all that effort to lose weight (20kg) a year ago. Every day I say to myself I must do something – go to gym, go for a run, eat healthy. But every day I come home feeling down from another humiliating day at work, I feel tired, and daunted by the task of all the photo work to do for the rest of the night. My daily excuse is I don’t have the time, but in reality I feel lazy and ashamed to go out in public looking like I do all over again. And of course I’m always hungry, so I eat. And what do I eat – fucking junk! Because it’s easy and cheap. Right now with my absolute lack of any spare cash I simply cannot afford to eat the healthy stuff that contributed to my fantastic health and weight loss a year ago, so every day it’s carbs, starch, sugars, fats and all things cheap and unhealthy. For this reason of the way I look now and the path my life has taken I really really hate the useless person I am now.

Then there’s Christmas! It’s the worst time of year because it costs more money than any other time of the year. All the time and money spent shopping for gifts trying to match up to people’s expectations is something I don’t believe in. If I could afford it then it would be a lot more fun - I can’t afford it. But obligations still need to be met and whatever the means the costs need to be covered for fair contribution and come January we sit in more financial trouble than ever before! It was so much easier living in the UK and doing Christmas there. Got a gift for my wife and had lovely phone-calls with the family on Christmas day and got on with life hassle free with some change left in the pocket. This year is just the worst – I’m broke as it is, and with the prospect of not knowing how I will support my family in less than two months, this is going to be my worst Christmas ever.

But hopefully my little girl will enjoy it, that is the one thing that will make it special.

There are loads of other things that are getting me down too but I've run out of time to list them, my lunch break is over so I need to get back to Autocad drawings. Besides, after this long mope and rant I feel somewhat relieved, at the same time idiotic for coming out like such an insecure wimp. It’s not who I want to be.

I don’t know what to do to make all this better. My future looks dark and I need some answers, I just don’t know what to do…

Despite all this doom and gloom in my life there are still two things that are like beacons of light and happiness in the dankness – my wife and daughter, Liezel and Tammy. If it weren't for them I don’t know where or what I would be now, if anything at all. They keep me going, they are the reason I fight on.

Meantime, tonight I will drink again, I really need a drink today!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So following on from the story above (written this time yesterday), I did indeed get wasted again last night, and did it with fury and it was good. Needless to say I got little editing done again.

Today is even more drama, I've landed myself in a fight with my mother and subsequently my brother, both of whom it seems are smoking the same shit because they are mad, and seriously gunning for me over something stupid! Basically, a few months back mom asked me to build her a braai in exchange for the telephoto lens she gave me. Fine, great deal, all good. A few weeks back I committed to doing the work this weekend on Saturday and Monday, which was fine, no objections from mom. The deadline was Christmas, she would have got her braai by Christmas. This week I've been planning and looking around for materials, yesterday she asked me what the plan is and how much it's going to cost. This morning I suggested a ballpark worst case scenario figure of R2000. She stripped her moer and told me it's too expensive and I should not worry. Suddenly little brother is chipping in that I'm being stubborn and I should pay half because of the value of the lens, etc. I'm like, what the fuck did I do to deserve that? So they can all get fucked! I will give the lens back, much as I love it, I won't be held to ransom and put up with these petty guilt trips because mom is throwing a tantrum! Fuck that, I've got enough to worry about, as you may have noticed from the text above!

Never in my life have I been this stressed. This morning again wife & I had gut wrenching discussions about the money, or complete lack there-of. We are so deep in the shit financially, and the fact that I'm losing my job soon is terrifying, I get knots or butterflies, whatever you call that feeling in the stomach every time I think about it and sometimes I can feel my heart going apeshit in my chest. This burden and worry is going to be the end of me, whether by heart attack or pushing me to the limits. I have always believed I'm a stronger person than taking one's own life, it's a cowardly thing to do, but how much can a man take? Surely we all have a breaking point because sometimes I feel close. The weight of burden is just getting heavy. And fuck anybody that says things like "you're luckier than many people, there's people with bigger problems than yours, stay positive, there is a solution, have faith that you will get through this, etc, etc". You don't fucking know what I'm going through or how hard all this is for me! I suck at everything I try, I have failed as a man and I have nothing to offer the world or my family despite a lifetime of trying! Fuck the bullshit of being a quitter, etc, I'm not a quitter but I am losing faith and hope that I will ever be successful at anything! My photography - mediocre, my drumming - I'm not a good drummer, etc. Things I love doing, yet I can't be good at! My job - something I can do in my sleep yet I'm losing out to corporate politics under the premise that I'm not good enough because I don't have a piece of paper that says I am! 

I hate being such an angry person, I hate feeling so down and depro and constantly worried and afraid and inferior to everybody around me! I hate it and I'm fucking sick of it! I feel like shit because of other people and it's making hate humanity. I wish I could just take my camera and my computer and disappear alone into the bush, away from people and their bullshit, alone with wild Africa, one of my biggest loves in life, a love so far away and financially impossible to enjoy. But I would be happy being alone in the wild with a camera. Though I'll need to invest in a new zoom lens since I'm giving the one I have back to my mother to clear my conscience.

It saddens me to the core that I've come to hate life this much, not life itself because being alive should be wonderful, but my own life sucks, really it does. I'm feeling horribly sorry for myself and that makes me feel weak and cowardly and solidifies the fact that I'm a failure. I don't want to feel like this or be this person, and I don't want to throw in the towel and give it all up, but I also don't know how to get back up and out of this impossible hole. It's so deep and dark down here. What the fuck am I supposed to do?

What the fuck am I supposed to do???

Don't worry, I'll still be here tomorrow and the next day, probably still bitching about my problems, but I don't have the balls to end my own life so I'll just stick around and drag my family through the mud that is my mess of a life until someday they wake up and move on to find greener pastures.

Yo

And so it goes, I have to go to bed unceremoniously, quietly, because life sucks that way! I mutherfucking hate this way of life.

I just heard a gunshot outside, heard a bottle smash, or what sounded like it. (quickly closed windows and curtains) scared like a poes.

Did I mention I hate this couped up shit?

I don't want to be here anymore.

10 years!

That's 10 years married to my beautiful wife Liezel! Almost, in 2 hours time...

I'd love to tell you what an amazingly awesome perfect 10 years it's been,

The letter

The following transcript is my response to an email I got from a friend this morning who was responding to my previous post. I won't post his email for privacy reasons, but as my response was so long-winded and detailed I figured I may as well follow on from yesterday's post with this instead of writing a whole long new one! He was encouraging me to have some belief in Christian faith based recovery programs like the AA, talking from some personal experiences.

Here goes my response:

"Hi Mate

Thanks for the email.

The drinking is something I've had a problem with for quite some time now and it is something I know I need to break away from soon. It's not that I don't believe in the faith based programmes, I'm just skeptical of how exactly it works. Fortunately I am already a Christian and have been all my life, during my late teens and early twenties I was actually quite involved in church and religious activities. But I also do feel that God has deserted me during some difficult times in my life though I'm sure He had his reasons. I don't mean to sound blasphemous, nor am I resentful, it's just how I feel.

Anyway, why I question the AA faith based method is this: what about people who are not Christians, non believers in any religion or atheists, and there are a lot of people like that, more and more all the time. Is there just no hope for them, besides expensive rehab programmes? It just sounds like a very discriminatory system dependent on turning people to believe in God to take their problems away instead of some kind of practical and even psychological course of action.

When I quit smoking I had the desire to quit, same as I have the desire to quit the drinking. But with the smoking somebody recommended the Allen Carr clinics ( http://www.allencarr.co.za/ ). As a discovery vitality member I qualified to do the workshop for a subsidized mere R350 instead of the usual R2300. I went in as a smoker, and I enjoyed my smoking but knew it was not helping my drive to get fit at the time, and I went in there being very skeptical because I find the usual americanised sermon type make-you-feel-good sessions to be quite comical, I was serious but not serious about the method that I expected, if you get my point. Anyway, the workshop, a half day thing, didn't harp on religion, or the reasons why smoking is bad eg health risks, etc, instead it works on the reasons why we DO smoke from various angles and it changed my whole psychological perception and reasoning to smoking. Throughout the session we smoked, in that 6 hours I smoked more than I normally did in that time frame. But just before the end we had our last smoke break of the day, where I stood alone under a tree and smoked my last cigarette, so emotional I cried like a baby. But that was it, I walked out of there as a non-smoker with invigorated excitement for a new life and felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders and a cloud in front of me had cleared (and I don't mean the cigarette smoke). Yes it was difficult for the first few weeks because the physical addiction fought hard, but I knew what to expect and understood that 95% of the cravings were psychological and I knew how to fight back until the physical addiction monster eventually died and I was free of the curse.

What I don't get is why isn't there something like that for drinking? The same system won't work because the addiction is different, it grips differently and has different effects and consequences, but surely there must be some sort of psychological bomb and reasoning that can change us in one swoop, without having to commit to a lifetime of twice-weekly AA meetings with a bunch of sad people with sad stories all preaching the gospel to each other for the strength to carry on with their lives; or having to spend thousands of bucks and weeks of time one generally does not have to go to some fancy rehab clinic, isolated from family and freedom. Ok I realise the AA is a generalization but that's the impression I get about AA, albeit the AA speaker tapes podcasts I've been listening to are more like stand-up comedies with moral life lessons, all Americans talking in front of large auditoriums full of American audiences. Like I said before, I find it hard to take those overly positive and comical sermons seriously!

Maybe the problem is I'm looking for a quick fix for something that can't be fixed quickly because the current available methods are not for me. This is why in my blog I said it's a lonely place, because I need and want the help but it is simply non-existent, which baffles me in a society so controlled and corroded by alcoholism.

Basically - impoverished non-believers don't have a hope unless they go it alone and fight it alone, and that's how I'm feeling, and I AM a believer, just not convinced my faith can break me away from something that is in such control of my life, and admittedly, something I enjoy in some twisted way. I generally do like drinking, I love socializing with alcohol, but I hate being drunk, yet when I start drinking I go all out until I am legless and an incoherent fool.

Of course the issue of my family walking out is always a constant concern, it is a fear that if happened I would be one sorry ass waste of space. Yet somehow that first drink always gets the better of my common sense, justified by the fact that I'm generally a "fun" drunk. I get talkative and sociable and never violent or aggressive, and it's usually after bed time so my daughter seldom sees it.

But anyway, batting this all out in writing helps make a better understanding in my own head. Sometime, somehow, I'll figure out a solution. Hopefully before it's too late!"

Alternatives to Alcoholics Anonymous

This post goes back to my long time problem of alcoholism. I've always been open about it, it's no secret I drink more than I should, and I've been on the market for a "cure" for quite some time now. But that's the problem, I know it's a bad thing and doing me a lot of harm, and I really do want to give up the bottle. In fact the idea of life without being drunk actually excites me. But on the other side there is a very convincing part of my mind that likes drinking, and getting drunk, despite the idiotic logic of that knowing that I'm like any other drunk - an idiot!

The thing is, I gave up smoking 9 months ago by changing my whole mentality about smoking (thanks to the Allen Carr clinic), and with some will power and the correct reasoning I was strong enough to kick the habit and I'm happier for it! Why can't I do it with drinking? The answer is I need help and support, and I have no idea where to get that. By support I don't mean lectures and threats from my family; it needs to be a positive, encouraging thing with some sort of psychological incentives! See I know all this, even just about have the answers, but I don't know how to go it alone.

By now you're shouting "AA, AA, go to AA...", well I tried that years ago. I went to the Table View group on two occasions and I felt wrong being there, I felt like an outcast slipping into a group of old established friends. It was awkward and somewhat frightening, it was a big step for me, and I didn't feel comfortable being there. Saying that, I did stand up when my turn came around the circle and introduced myself (though not as an alcoholic, that just felt weird), I din't know what to say! I put my name on the list and was promised a call, and a welcome pack. Neither materlialised, and I suppose I just felt a combination of being too shy, and unimportant, to go back. A month later after slogging it out on my own with much determination I was back on the bottle, with much relief.

Having said that, I was not against the whole AA thing completely, mainly because I didn't understand it and I don't know of any other alternatives other than expensive rehab programmes, which are not an option for me because of the huge expense of money and time; and I'm not sure if I believe in the AA method, in that it is based on relying on a "higher power". In other words the belief that God will help me stop drinking.

Now I am a Christian, a born again one from many years ago. I do believe in God, the bible, etc, I am a religious person, and that is a personal thing to me. But I don't see how that will solve my drinking problem, I don't believe it will. I need a more practical solution.

My question is this: is the AA and it's methods of handing my alcohol problem over to God the only "affordable" solution to alcoholism, the only way I will be able to get the support I need to fight the disease? Or do I need to support somebody's expensive rehab business to save my own life and the well-being and future of my family?

Somehow I don't think it is, but what else is there because I can't find it! Googling shows me there are other types of support groups, mostly in the USA, but nothing here in Cape Town.

I am considering giving the AA another chance in the future. I have downloaded hundreds of podcasts of AA speakers, lectures and testimonials, which I have been spending hours listening to while doing my job, and they are somewhat encouraging listening to other people's stories, some are inspirational, some are funny, some are outright dull and sensationalist. But I'm not judging, I'm trying to see the positives of the program. But always it comes back to these people being saved by their "higher power".

Of course there's the 12 steps too, which is all very confusing to me, apart from the fact it is also very much of a lesson in spirituality of the faith kind, not the bottled kind!

So what to do? Who do I speak to? Where do I go? I don't want to want alcohol in my life anymore, I want to be in control of this beast, and ultimately take back control of my own life!

Despite all the public campaigns about alcohol and it's problems, and all the hoo haa and bloated opinions and everybody having the answers, this place where I'm at is a very lonely place because I am alone with my problem and I don't want to be alone anymore.

Maybe I need to stop being so skeptical, maybe I should just try the AA again and go with the flow and see how it goes, despite feeling like I don't fit in there and not believing in the program before even starting it. Or maybe I should just keep quiet and once again try to distract myself with other activities like exercise, photography, etc, and hope it lasts longer than the last time.

I don't know!

This is my thoughts... and right now I'm looking forward to a drink tonight again! My logic being - if I'm hungover tomorrow I won't drink tomorrow night, which will mean Saturday will be productive. But then Saturday night I'll probably drink again, rendering Sunday another complete waste of a day lumping out on the couch and getting nothing done, and God knows I have a lot to do! But at least half the weekend was productive... this is how my mind justifies the drink...

Long overdue update!

Hello to whoever reads this!

I know it's been a very long time since my last post on this blog. Admittedly it's good to be back! For a while this blog was my best buddy, I can say what I like and it doesn't disagree or kak me out yet the sharing of ideas is often inspirational, makes rational sense, and contributes to constructive reasoning in my own mind! Maybe we, I mean I, should be schizophrenic! Nothing like a bit of hearty internal debate - we could talk ourselves into doing some good with our life and discuss great ideas, gossip about the twats and losers that surround us, plot to take over the world, etc, and nobody even need know why we're laughing!

Insane, more likely!

It's actually better this way - stick to yourself, mind your own business, and don't get involved! Don't ever get involved, especially when it comes to family politics! I won't get my arse burned with that again!

Well the last few months I've been very busy with other endeavors, mostly building my photography business and doing all things related, trying to create some sort of a professional career out of taking pictures. See my website for progress: www.jdk-photography.co.za. It's a very time consuming business, a lot to do and a lot to learn! Being a photographer is more than taking pretty pictures and slapping them on Facebook, in that sense everybody is a photographer these days! There is a technical aspect to learn to be better than the next guy, and of course one needs to actually run a business to make a profit, and that takes time and effort and financial resources, a notorious schlep for the creative person! The website also has a blog, though it's more of a professional thing to showcase my work and discuss all things photographic, mainly as a means to be more interactive with people and not a platform to bitch about my life and my problems, which is what this blog is for. I mean, I'd hate for potential clients to get the impression I think the world owes me a favour, like my cousin Luigi, whom I have absolutely nothing to do with, seems to think. But I'm not interested in the arrogant opinions, life's too short and precious to be bothered with that sort of trivial crap!

Anyway, as a follow on from the last post, I have still not broken on the smoking thing, I've proudly not had a cigarette since 5 December last year, almost 9 months now, and perfectly happy without it. As for the health and fitness thing, that went out the window and stayed out in the cold for the winter. After all the weight lost and fitness gained I got lazy and packed on a few kilo's again in the last few months. It is just not fun running in the cold, wet darkness of winter (that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it!) But fear not dear fans, spring is around the corner and time has come to get back on that wagon, get the running shoes back on, and lose the winter flubber coat to expose the goodness within. Of course with the addition of a half decent privately acquired tan too! The added bonus is Virgin Active is building a massive new gym 5 minutes walk from my house! So no more excuse of having to navigate the traffic and Nigerians of Parklands & Table View to get the 20 minute drive to the gym. I can even go in the mornings now, when the place is built, and be back home by 6am to make breakfast, iron school uniforms, pack lunches, and get myself ready in time to pack the family off to school and work! What an awesome start to the day that will be!

In fact the thought of getting fit and handsome again is quite exciting. Though getting the fat ass back to the gym is going to take some determination! It always does when I've been out for action for a while!

The only problem is that healthy eating has become impossibly expensive so the incredible diet we went on last year will not happen quite the same! The cost of the ingredients for lunch salads, breakfast smoothies, fresh vegetables and healthy food options has become so expensive I cannot afford it, diets are for rich people. So a balance of the healthiest affordable foods in between sandwiches, pastas & potatoes and a regular exercise plan is going to have to suffice!

I'll do my best to pop in the occasional update to this blog as time goes by, it won't be another 8 months before the next entry appears! There is in fact a topic I would like to discuss, which I'll do in the next post, which centers around alcohol and my issues with it! Same old story, same old struggle, so don't bother reading it if you intend to bloat your own ego at the expense of my weakness.