Drummer Jokes

As a drummer I can tell you that us drummers have a great sense of humor! True story!

So much so that we'll publicly share and laugh at jokes making us out to be idiots knowing that this is of course not true, drummers are in fact more intelligent than the rest of the band, and everybody else! This fact is derived from research done at Stockholm's Karolinska Institutet, and other studies compiled by news and analytics site Policyymic. So shove that up your hubbly bubbly and smoke it!

Read the article here...

These lame jokes depicting drummers as being slobbering morons no doubt arises from simmering jealousy by the rest of the band, who are indeed inferior in intellect. Therefore, in order to keep them from blowing their bonnets and exposing their true intelligence levels, or lack thereof, we the humble drummers choose to suck up the punches and just laugh along at the jokes without reciprocating (except occasionally at the bass players who're about as bright as a chunk of limestone), allowing said band mates to believe they are smarter. This is for the sake of the band, we don't need the guys at the front getting any more insecure, would we!

(I reckon my band mates from Sanskara will be having stern words with me before tomorrow night's gig if they read this! Hahaha!)

Without further ado, enjoy the funnies:


What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
You only have to punch the information into a drum machine once.

What's the best way to confuse a drummer?
Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.

What's the difference between a drummer and a savings bond?
One will mature and make money.

What did the drummer say to the band leader?
Do you want me to play too fast or too slow?

Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in the car?
He had to break the car window to get the drummer out.

How can you tell a drummer's at the door? The knocking speeds up.

What's the last thing a drummer says in a band? "Hey, how about we try one of my songs?"

An Indian chief and a cavalry captain climb to the top of a tall hill and look out upon the entire Indian tribe. The captain says worriedly, "I don't like the sound of those drums." The chief says, "I know. It's not our regular drummer."

What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend? Homeless.

What do Ginger Baker and black coffee have in common? They both suck without Cream.

How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: One to screw the bulb in, and four to talk about how much better Stuart Copeland could've done it.

An amateur drummer died and went to heaven. He was waiting outside the pearly gates when he heard the most incredible fast and furious drumming coming from within. Immediately he recognized the playing and rushed to ask St. Peter if that was Buddy Rich playing drums inside the gates. St. Peter responded: "No, that's God. He just thinks he's Buddy Rich."

How do you get a drummer off of your porch?
Pay him 10 bucks for the pizza.

What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
Gifted.

What does a drummer use for contraception?
His personality.

What do you say to a drummer in a three-piece suit?
"Will the defendant please rise?"

"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about half a beat behind the drummer."

Hey, did you hear about the drummer who finished high school?
Me neither.

Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car?
So they can park in the handicapped spot.

How is a drum solo like a sneeze?
You know it's coming, but there's nothing you can do about it.

Why do drummers have lots of kids?
They're not too good at the Rhythm Method
.
What do you do if you accidentally run over a drummer?
Reverse.

Deep in the African jungle, a safari was camped for the night. In the darkness, distant drums began a relentless throbbing that continued until dawn. The safari members were disturbed, but the guide reassured them: "Drums good. When drums stop, very bad." Every night the drumming continued, and every night the guide reiterated, "Drums good. When drums stop, VERY bad." This continues for several days until one morning the drumming suddenly stops and all the natives panic and run screaming. The man asks the guide what's the matter? The guide looking very frightened says: "When drums stop, VERY, VERY bad," he said. "Why is it bad?" asked a member of the safari. "Because when drums stop, bass solo begin!"

Run Fatboy, Run!

Ha ha can you believe, one day into the blog thing, it's now lunch break - the time I'd designated to compose another entry, and here I sit with apparent writers block. I've got a few full-feature topics I'll cover in detailed dedicated blog articles as time marches on, but today I don't have time or inclination to think that hard, so for now you'll have to bear with what little news of interest I can suck up.

For starters, I'm air-drumming like an idiot at my desk along with Halestorm. This band is really awesome, I dare you to have a listen, if you like good female-fronted rock you'll dig this! This track, "I Miss the Misery", is one of the best:

Once Upon a Time...

Hello and welcome to The Daily Drumroll!

For those of you who've known me for a few years you'll remember my previous blog from around 3 years ago, "The Daily Noodle", well this is kind of the revival of that. You could say the irrational tantrum-induced teenager has since grown up... A little! Ha ha! (I've removed all the old Noodle posts, for dignity's sake.) This blog will (hopefully) be more interesting, diverse and rational with less of the old foul-mouthed rants which were largely the product of a frustratingly boring and demeaning day job at the time since many of the entries then were composed during working hours as a means to break the monotony; instead you'll enjoy more interesting, entertaining, funny and useful reads with no doubt a few of my legendary "facepalm" moments along the way.

What to do...

Somehow I need to pull myself together and sort my shit out. I don't know how, but it's either that or throw in the towel, which I don't want. Fact is I need help. Again I don't know what or from where, and I don't quite know how to ask for it without making more of a humiliated ass of myself than I already have. I'm sick of worrying and being afraid and feeling sorry for myself and especially for being such a loser asshole.

I've got a gorgeous little girl who adores me and doesn't understand the personal hell I'm going through, nobody does. My wife knows I'm a miserable fuck but that's all she sees and then turns the focus onto her own worries and in the same breath insults me and tells me what an idiot I am. That is not quite the help I'm looking for. I don't want my marriage to end, but it doesn't feel like a marriage, it feels like I'm a hassle and a burden to my wife, she reminds me of that constantly both blatantly and with subtle indication. To a degree I understand her frustration as I'm not an easy bloke to deal with, but in the ideal world we should be supporting each other not just with lectures and speeches and sarcasm, or is it how it works?

Anyway I have had enough feeling sorry for myself, and feeling so alone. I need a game plan. But first I need to get finished editing and deliver these three jobs! And find a job. And quit drinking. And lose weight and get fit and healthy and start training for 2 Oceans. And and and...

Crap and there's my course too, which I'm not going to finish in time. I'm going to have to ask them very nicely for an extension without having to pay the R1500 which I simply cannot afford! Otherwise it's a forfeit!

Suck!

I fucking hate my life right now. I am afraid to think how much worse it can get and to be honest I don't want this pathetic excuse for an existence anymore. No I'm not drunk, I'm trying to give that bullshit drinking up. Who knows, maybe it will last 3 days, a week, a month, before I hit the bottle and fuck up properly again like I did so well on new years eve. After my stupidity that night again I actually walked away in my drunken stupor and walked through the bush and swamps in the night for about 10km, new years fireworks exploding in the distance. I had no intention of coming back. But after waking up somewhere in the bush shivering with cold, bugs crawling over me, I headed back to my daughter, freezing, tired, sore and thirsty. Nobody is even aware of what I put myself through that night, all they see is the asshole that can't handle his booze and fucked up yet again. Maybe they thought I ran off to sit in a pub or something. Honestly, who cares. It's a very lonely place!

Fact is my future looks bleak and I'm a miserable sod with very little enjoyment in life, some of which was cut off again today when my wife cut the dstv subscription. Now this house is like darker and quiet. It's a simple thing, but the TV is like a central point, a means of relaxing and distraction. It's just become a more unpleasant place to be.

2013 started off horribly and it's only getting worse and with my impending job loss is going to become a nightmare. I wish I didn't have to carry on, and if it weren't for Tammy I would not.

But like I said - who gives a shit!

Life

(This post was written a few weeks back, I haven't had the balls to post it, not like anybody is likely to read it anyway!)

Today has turned into another one of those days that are gracing themselves more and more often in my life in times of late.

The short of it – it’s a shit day with the weight of all my personal burdens just getting the better of my emotions and usual determination to remain positive, rendering me despondent, demotivated and depressed.

The long of it is my mind has been filled uncontrollably with thoughts that do not define the person that I am, thoughts of a permanent relief to the crushing weight of my problems. Like my Facebook status today said “This dark hole is getting so deep I can’t see the top anymore.” Which is how I feel on days like today, yet nobody understands.

Yes maybe I am feeling somewhat sorry for myself, and no I’m not looking for attention. I’m not arrogant or insecure like that, ie. threatening suicide to get people to notice me, it’s not an open advert. So why am I writing this here on this blog?... probably on some level it is a whimper for help, and I don’t know who to talk to so I’ll just talk to anybody who cares to read this, if anybody at all. I’ve always found it easier to write down my thoughts and feelings than discuss them openly because the page doesn't talk back or belittle me or insult me or argue, it just passively listens. Besides, any time I reveal any kind of emotional stress I get told I need to “see somebody”, ie a shrink. Sorry but I’m just not comfortable with being pushed into phoning the company-sponsored psychologist, a complete stranger, and blurting out all my personal problems and suicidal fantasies. It’s probably a combination of pride and embarrassment and shame at all my failures, but I just don’t see the point in exposing myself like that in such an impersonal way to somebody who doesn't know me. And I don’t see how it will solve my problems. Yet there is nobody else I can have a reasonable discussion with either, so I’ll stick to this medium of writing down how I feel in the hope that some brilliant idea will overwhelm me that will be my savior (and that does not imply any religious intervention, I’ve kind of lost faith in that regard too, praying and believing does not bring forth any solutions). Not that I’m sitting back waiting for free stuff, much like the mentality of the millions of b***k people in this country, no I’m prepared to work to succeed, but I don’t know what work to do that is going to get me out of this bottomless pit because nothing I do bears any fruit, in fact it genuinely feels like I just go backwards no matter how hard I try, with everything!

Even as I write this there’s something inside me that’s making me feel like a retard for the things I’m saying and thinking. I mean, surely it’s not that bad, there are people out there with much bigger problems.... that’s the guilt trip that my own conscience and no doubt other know-it-all’s will load onto me. Maybe so, but my own issues have gotten to the point where it’s too much for me to handle alone, I’m overwhelmed, depressed, and terrified at what my future holds and consequently what hardships my own failures will burden my dear family with unless some miracle comes my way, or I die and my family will at least get some financial relief through insurance pay-outs and not have me depressing them all the time with my bad moods and bleak financial future.

That’s the reality of what I’m battling with in my head and it’s making me miserable, especially on days like this when I get reminded of my own shortcomings by people who think their own shit doesn't stink. Eg, less than an hour ago my boss reminding me yet again that I’ll be out of a job soon because of my inadequate training. I do not show it but inside it is crushing, humiliating, degrading and incredibly hurtful. Similar feeling last night while editing photo’s when I’m struggling to make my images took good, let alone professional, and feeling like some progress is made, when a fellow photographer, who was photographing the same people at the same event produces images of a quality I do not come anywhere close to. I do not have the ability or the know how, let alone talent, to compete with that and it made me realise that without proper training, which I have neither the finances or time for, I don’t stand a chance! Yes I get jealous of people that can produce such mindblowing work because I also want to be like that, but being stuck in this rapidly deepening financial pit it is just not looking like a reality, not any time soon! Yet somehow I have to produce something out of my arse because I have 3 big jobs paid for already that needs to be delivered soon and the amount of work I face with my amateur skills is colossal. Each evening when I sit down with my editing after a long kak day at my soul-destroying day job and try to figure out ways of making my photo’s look great I sit there with blanks in my head, I simply don’t know how to make them look fantastic like other good photographers do, and I should be at that level by now. Then I get irritated, agitated, angry, demotivated and ultimately distracted, often ending up back in the bottle. I love love love photography with a passion, so why the fuck can I not produce images that portrays that? Why can’t I produce sharp, beautiful, colourful photos that make people go “wow”, like the photos that I see others producing??? My images are dull, fuzzy, grainy, incorrectly exposed and usually far too fucking orange! Hard as I try they just look shit, and there's only so much I can do in Lightroom to fix them! Don’t even talk about Photoshop – I know the real photo artists work in Photoshop but I simply don’t know how. A friend showed me a few tricks the other day, there was so much going on I don’t remember what or how she did it. And yes I could probably learn with a lot of trial and error practice, but right now I have shitloads of photo’s to produce that I just don’t have the time!

Add to that my course – it needs to be finished in 6 weeks’ time and it is simply not going to be done in time because I do not have the time to do it! So it’s going to cost me R1500 for an extension. I don’t have that kind of spare cash! It’s so disappointing because I like this course and I’ve been determined to finish it. So much in my life I started and never finished – I really want to finish this one and get that diploma. Somewhere I’ll have to produce the money for the extension, I just have to, or miraculously get the last 7 modules done by then!

I am determined to make a career out of photography, but why is it so difficult just to get the basics right? When I’m out of a job at the end of next month I had grand plans of going solo as a photographer, but I have realised that I need to find another dead end meaningless degrading low-end job in the corporate world because with the quality of work that I cannot produce I’m not going to be hired by the big spenders, the competition out there is just far too vast and superior! So there goes my dreams…

Unfortunately, thanks to deeper debt than I’ve ever known and huge monthly financial commitments I absolutely have to find a replacement income from February. This single fact is the cause of the majority of the stress and depression I’m going through, it’s a worry and a burden unlike I have ever felt before and the primary reason I have been having thoughts of suicide. Effectively I will be worth more to my family dead than alive, in fact alive I will be a burden on them. Not that I want to die, but lying in bed last night thinking about it the thought of dying almost felt like a kind of relief from the gut-wrenching soul-dissolving stress I’m under and seeing no way out of the fuck-up that my life has become and the loser that it’s resulted in. I am not and cannot seem to be the man that I want to be so now I feel small, insignificant, and worthless and I hate myself. Genuinely I do!

The fact that I’m losing my job because I’m not qualified enough, despite having being doing the job for over 5 years, is destroying me! These arrogant obnoxious corrupt ass licking motherfuckers in this company are working me out of the system and any chance of a career in this line because I don’t have the qualifications that compliment the ego of the poes who has taken it upon himself to play god in this institution and I refuse to be one of his tail of bum lickers. So I have to go. It’s a grossly unfair situation, and as these kunts have said I will not find another job in the same line of work because of my lack of tertiary education. I feel betrayed and discriminated against because I have done a good job here, I’ve been loyal and a good asset to the company and I wanted to stay here long term because of the potential benefits to study through the company. I’ve sucked up the shit the ego-bashers have fed me for three fucking years in the hope of securing a permanent job but the new boss in town would rather boost his own ego with a team of over-qualified like minded arrogants to do the mindless repetitive work that I am fully capable of doing. It’s fucked up and completely degrading and if I didn't need this salary to the very last day I would walk out here today and save what’s left of my dignity. But I can’t do that, I am forced to continue wasting my time, pride and life in this, what has now become, a shit-hole, and suck it up until the end of January; at which point if I do not have an alternative income one of two things will happen – I put my house on the market so the bills can be paid, or my life comes to an end so the debts can be paid out by insurance and my family will be financially sound for the foreseeable future. I desperately don’t want either of those scenarios to play out, and if there is any glimmer of hope for some other opportunity that presents itself in my whiskey pickled brain I will take it with open arms for the sake of providing for my family!

Which brings me to the next colossal fuck-up of my life – alcoholism! My alcoholic addiction which still controls me, my life, my family, my health and my future or lack there-of. I've written in depth about this many times in the past and nothing has changed, I still binge drink regularly to the point of total inebriation then feel like shit in a puddle the whole of the next day. I hate this addiction, I hate being drunk and I hate being hungover and useless, but most of all I despise the time and productivity that gets lost because I’m either drunk or hungover. With everything else on my plate these days I've actually given up trying to fight it and just go along with satisfying the urge to drink every few days as it grabs me. It’s an impossible thing to fight alone and I don’t see any practical means of help or support so it will just have to continue until such time as it kills me (which I don’t mind the idea of right now) or, again, some miracle happens, which with my luck is not going to happen.

As of the last few weeks there is another thing which has greatly compounded my depression – my health! Once again I am grossly overweight, unfit, lazy and unhealthy, and I feel absolutely disgusting and revolted in myself. I feel sick when I see myself in the mirror, almost back to my size and ugliness of the days before I put in all that effort to lose weight (20kg) a year ago. Every day I say to myself I must do something – go to gym, go for a run, eat healthy. But every day I come home feeling down from another humiliating day at work, I feel tired, and daunted by the task of all the photo work to do for the rest of the night. My daily excuse is I don’t have the time, but in reality I feel lazy and ashamed to go out in public looking like I do all over again. And of course I’m always hungry, so I eat. And what do I eat – fucking junk! Because it’s easy and cheap. Right now with my absolute lack of any spare cash I simply cannot afford to eat the healthy stuff that contributed to my fantastic health and weight loss a year ago, so every day it’s carbs, starch, sugars, fats and all things cheap and unhealthy. For this reason of the way I look now and the path my life has taken I really really hate the useless person I am now.

Then there’s Christmas! It’s the worst time of year because it costs more money than any other time of the year. All the time and money spent shopping for gifts trying to match up to people’s expectations is something I don’t believe in. If I could afford it then it would be a lot more fun - I can’t afford it. But obligations still need to be met and whatever the means the costs need to be covered for fair contribution and come January we sit in more financial trouble than ever before! It was so much easier living in the UK and doing Christmas there. Got a gift for my wife and had lovely phone-calls with the family on Christmas day and got on with life hassle free with some change left in the pocket. This year is just the worst – I’m broke as it is, and with the prospect of not knowing how I will support my family in less than two months, this is going to be my worst Christmas ever.

But hopefully my little girl will enjoy it, that is the one thing that will make it special.

There are loads of other things that are getting me down too but I've run out of time to list them, my lunch break is over so I need to get back to Autocad drawings. Besides, after this long mope and rant I feel somewhat relieved, at the same time idiotic for coming out like such an insecure wimp. It’s not who I want to be.

I don’t know what to do to make all this better. My future looks dark and I need some answers, I just don’t know what to do…

Despite all this doom and gloom in my life there are still two things that are like beacons of light and happiness in the dankness – my wife and daughter, Liezel and Tammy. If it weren't for them I don’t know where or what I would be now, if anything at all. They keep me going, they are the reason I fight on.

Meantime, tonight I will drink again, I really need a drink today!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So following on from the story above (written this time yesterday), I did indeed get wasted again last night, and did it with fury and it was good. Needless to say I got little editing done again.

Today is even more drama, I've landed myself in a fight with my mother and subsequently my brother, both of whom it seems are smoking the same shit because they are mad, and seriously gunning for me over something stupid! Basically, a few months back mom asked me to build her a braai in exchange for the telephoto lens she gave me. Fine, great deal, all good. A few weeks back I committed to doing the work this weekend on Saturday and Monday, which was fine, no objections from mom. The deadline was Christmas, she would have got her braai by Christmas. This week I've been planning and looking around for materials, yesterday she asked me what the plan is and how much it's going to cost. This morning I suggested a ballpark worst case scenario figure of R2000. She stripped her moer and told me it's too expensive and I should not worry. Suddenly little brother is chipping in that I'm being stubborn and I should pay half because of the value of the lens, etc. I'm like, what the fuck did I do to deserve that? So they can all get fucked! I will give the lens back, much as I love it, I won't be held to ransom and put up with these petty guilt trips because mom is throwing a tantrum! Fuck that, I've got enough to worry about, as you may have noticed from the text above!

Never in my life have I been this stressed. This morning again wife & I had gut wrenching discussions about the money, or complete lack there-of. We are so deep in the shit financially, and the fact that I'm losing my job soon is terrifying, I get knots or butterflies, whatever you call that feeling in the stomach every time I think about it and sometimes I can feel my heart going apeshit in my chest. This burden and worry is going to be the end of me, whether by heart attack or pushing me to the limits. I have always believed I'm a stronger person than taking one's own life, it's a cowardly thing to do, but how much can a man take? Surely we all have a breaking point because sometimes I feel close. The weight of burden is just getting heavy. And fuck anybody that says things like "you're luckier than many people, there's people with bigger problems than yours, stay positive, there is a solution, have faith that you will get through this, etc, etc". You don't fucking know what I'm going through or how hard all this is for me! I suck at everything I try, I have failed as a man and I have nothing to offer the world or my family despite a lifetime of trying! Fuck the bullshit of being a quitter, etc, I'm not a quitter but I am losing faith and hope that I will ever be successful at anything! My photography - mediocre, my drumming - I'm not a good drummer, etc. Things I love doing, yet I can't be good at! My job - something I can do in my sleep yet I'm losing out to corporate politics under the premise that I'm not good enough because I don't have a piece of paper that says I am! 

I hate being such an angry person, I hate feeling so down and depro and constantly worried and afraid and inferior to everybody around me! I hate it and I'm fucking sick of it! I feel like shit because of other people and it's making hate humanity. I wish I could just take my camera and my computer and disappear alone into the bush, away from people and their bullshit, alone with wild Africa, one of my biggest loves in life, a love so far away and financially impossible to enjoy. But I would be happy being alone in the wild with a camera. Though I'll need to invest in a new zoom lens since I'm giving the one I have back to my mother to clear my conscience.

It saddens me to the core that I've come to hate life this much, not life itself because being alive should be wonderful, but my own life sucks, really it does. I'm feeling horribly sorry for myself and that makes me feel weak and cowardly and solidifies the fact that I'm a failure. I don't want to feel like this or be this person, and I don't want to throw in the towel and give it all up, but I also don't know how to get back up and out of this impossible hole. It's so deep and dark down here. What the fuck am I supposed to do?

What the fuck am I supposed to do???

Don't worry, I'll still be here tomorrow and the next day, probably still bitching about my problems, but I don't have the balls to end my own life so I'll just stick around and drag my family through the mud that is my mess of a life until someday they wake up and move on to find greener pastures.

Yo

And so it goes, I have to go to bed unceremoniously, quietly, because life sucks that way! I mutherfucking hate this way of life.

I just heard a gunshot outside, heard a bottle smash, or what sounded like it. (quickly closed windows and curtains) scared like a poes.

Did I mention I hate this couped up shit?

I don't want to be here anymore.

10 years!

That's 10 years married to my beautiful wife Liezel! Almost, in 2 hours time...

I'd love to tell you what an amazingly awesome perfect 10 years it's been,

The letter

The following transcript is my response to an email I got from a friend this morning who was responding to my previous post. I won't post his email for privacy reasons, but as my response was so long-winded and detailed I figured I may as well follow on from yesterday's post with this instead of writing a whole long new one! He was encouraging me to have some belief in Christian faith based recovery programs like the AA, talking from some personal experiences.

Here goes my response:

"Hi Mate

Thanks for the email.

The drinking is something I've had a problem with for quite some time now and it is something I know I need to break away from soon. It's not that I don't believe in the faith based programmes, I'm just skeptical of how exactly it works. Fortunately I am already a Christian and have been all my life, during my late teens and early twenties I was actually quite involved in church and religious activities. But I also do feel that God has deserted me during some difficult times in my life though I'm sure He had his reasons. I don't mean to sound blasphemous, nor am I resentful, it's just how I feel.

Anyway, why I question the AA faith based method is this: what about people who are not Christians, non believers in any religion or atheists, and there are a lot of people like that, more and more all the time. Is there just no hope for them, besides expensive rehab programmes? It just sounds like a very discriminatory system dependent on turning people to believe in God to take their problems away instead of some kind of practical and even psychological course of action.

When I quit smoking I had the desire to quit, same as I have the desire to quit the drinking. But with the smoking somebody recommended the Allen Carr clinics ( http://www.allencarr.co.za/ ). As a discovery vitality member I qualified to do the workshop for a subsidized mere R350 instead of the usual R2300. I went in as a smoker, and I enjoyed my smoking but knew it was not helping my drive to get fit at the time, and I went in there being very skeptical because I find the usual americanised sermon type make-you-feel-good sessions to be quite comical, I was serious but not serious about the method that I expected, if you get my point. Anyway, the workshop, a half day thing, didn't harp on religion, or the reasons why smoking is bad eg health risks, etc, instead it works on the reasons why we DO smoke from various angles and it changed my whole psychological perception and reasoning to smoking. Throughout the session we smoked, in that 6 hours I smoked more than I normally did in that time frame. But just before the end we had our last smoke break of the day, where I stood alone under a tree and smoked my last cigarette, so emotional I cried like a baby. But that was it, I walked out of there as a non-smoker with invigorated excitement for a new life and felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders and a cloud in front of me had cleared (and I don't mean the cigarette smoke). Yes it was difficult for the first few weeks because the physical addiction fought hard, but I knew what to expect and understood that 95% of the cravings were psychological and I knew how to fight back until the physical addiction monster eventually died and I was free of the curse.

What I don't get is why isn't there something like that for drinking? The same system won't work because the addiction is different, it grips differently and has different effects and consequences, but surely there must be some sort of psychological bomb and reasoning that can change us in one swoop, without having to commit to a lifetime of twice-weekly AA meetings with a bunch of sad people with sad stories all preaching the gospel to each other for the strength to carry on with their lives; or having to spend thousands of bucks and weeks of time one generally does not have to go to some fancy rehab clinic, isolated from family and freedom. Ok I realise the AA is a generalization but that's the impression I get about AA, albeit the AA speaker tapes podcasts I've been listening to are more like stand-up comedies with moral life lessons, all Americans talking in front of large auditoriums full of American audiences. Like I said before, I find it hard to take those overly positive and comical sermons seriously!

Maybe the problem is I'm looking for a quick fix for something that can't be fixed quickly because the current available methods are not for me. This is why in my blog I said it's a lonely place, because I need and want the help but it is simply non-existent, which baffles me in a society so controlled and corroded by alcoholism.

Basically - impoverished non-believers don't have a hope unless they go it alone and fight it alone, and that's how I'm feeling, and I AM a believer, just not convinced my faith can break me away from something that is in such control of my life, and admittedly, something I enjoy in some twisted way. I generally do like drinking, I love socializing with alcohol, but I hate being drunk, yet when I start drinking I go all out until I am legless and an incoherent fool.

Of course the issue of my family walking out is always a constant concern, it is a fear that if happened I would be one sorry ass waste of space. Yet somehow that first drink always gets the better of my common sense, justified by the fact that I'm generally a "fun" drunk. I get talkative and sociable and never violent or aggressive, and it's usually after bed time so my daughter seldom sees it.

But anyway, batting this all out in writing helps make a better understanding in my own head. Sometime, somehow, I'll figure out a solution. Hopefully before it's too late!"

Alternatives to Alcoholics Anonymous

This post goes back to my long time problem of alcoholism. I've always been open about it, it's no secret I drink more than I should, and I've been on the market for a "cure" for quite some time now. But that's the problem, I know it's a bad thing and doing me a lot of harm, and I really do want to give up the bottle. In fact the idea of life without being drunk actually excites me. But on the other side there is a very convincing part of my mind that likes drinking, and getting drunk, despite the idiotic logic of that knowing that I'm like any other drunk - an idiot!

The thing is, I gave up smoking 9 months ago by changing my whole mentality about smoking (thanks to the Allen Carr clinic), and with some will power and the correct reasoning I was strong enough to kick the habit and I'm happier for it! Why can't I do it with drinking? The answer is I need help and support, and I have no idea where to get that. By support I don't mean lectures and threats from my family; it needs to be a positive, encouraging thing with some sort of psychological incentives! See I know all this, even just about have the answers, but I don't know how to go it alone.

By now you're shouting "AA, AA, go to AA...", well I tried that years ago. I went to the Table View group on two occasions and I felt wrong being there, I felt like an outcast slipping into a group of old established friends. It was awkward and somewhat frightening, it was a big step for me, and I didn't feel comfortable being there. Saying that, I did stand up when my turn came around the circle and introduced myself (though not as an alcoholic, that just felt weird), I din't know what to say! I put my name on the list and was promised a call, and a welcome pack. Neither materlialised, and I suppose I just felt a combination of being too shy, and unimportant, to go back. A month later after slogging it out on my own with much determination I was back on the bottle, with much relief.

Having said that, I was not against the whole AA thing completely, mainly because I didn't understand it and I don't know of any other alternatives other than expensive rehab programmes, which are not an option for me because of the huge expense of money and time; and I'm not sure if I believe in the AA method, in that it is based on relying on a "higher power". In other words the belief that God will help me stop drinking.

Now I am a Christian, a born again one from many years ago. I do believe in God, the bible, etc, I am a religious person, and that is a personal thing to me. But I don't see how that will solve my drinking problem, I don't believe it will. I need a more practical solution.

My question is this: is the AA and it's methods of handing my alcohol problem over to God the only "affordable" solution to alcoholism, the only way I will be able to get the support I need to fight the disease? Or do I need to support somebody's expensive rehab business to save my own life and the well-being and future of my family?

Somehow I don't think it is, but what else is there because I can't find it! Googling shows me there are other types of support groups, mostly in the USA, but nothing here in Cape Town.

I am considering giving the AA another chance in the future. I have downloaded hundreds of podcasts of AA speakers, lectures and testimonials, which I have been spending hours listening to while doing my job, and they are somewhat encouraging listening to other people's stories, some are inspirational, some are funny, some are outright dull and sensationalist. But I'm not judging, I'm trying to see the positives of the program. But always it comes back to these people being saved by their "higher power".

Of course there's the 12 steps too, which is all very confusing to me, apart from the fact it is also very much of a lesson in spirituality of the faith kind, not the bottled kind!

So what to do? Who do I speak to? Where do I go? I don't want to want alcohol in my life anymore, I want to be in control of this beast, and ultimately take back control of my own life!

Despite all the public campaigns about alcohol and it's problems, and all the hoo haa and bloated opinions and everybody having the answers, this place where I'm at is a very lonely place because I am alone with my problem and I don't want to be alone anymore.

Maybe I need to stop being so skeptical, maybe I should just try the AA again and go with the flow and see how it goes, despite feeling like I don't fit in there and not believing in the program before even starting it. Or maybe I should just keep quiet and once again try to distract myself with other activities like exercise, photography, etc, and hope it lasts longer than the last time.

I don't know!

This is my thoughts... and right now I'm looking forward to a drink tonight again! My logic being - if I'm hungover tomorrow I won't drink tomorrow night, which will mean Saturday will be productive. But then Saturday night I'll probably drink again, rendering Sunday another complete waste of a day lumping out on the couch and getting nothing done, and God knows I have a lot to do! But at least half the weekend was productive... this is how my mind justifies the drink...

Long overdue update!

Hello to whoever reads this!

I know it's been a very long time since my last post on this blog. Admittedly it's good to be back! For a while this blog was my best buddy, I can say what I like and it doesn't disagree or kak me out yet the sharing of ideas is often inspirational, makes rational sense, and contributes to constructive reasoning in my own mind! Maybe we, I mean I, should be schizophrenic! Nothing like a bit of hearty internal debate - we could talk ourselves into doing some good with our life and discuss great ideas, gossip about the twats and losers that surround us, plot to take over the world, etc, and nobody even need know why we're laughing!

Insane, more likely!

It's actually better this way - stick to yourself, mind your own business, and don't get involved! Don't ever get involved, especially when it comes to family politics! I won't get my arse burned with that again!

Well the last few months I've been very busy with other endeavors, mostly building my photography business and doing all things related, trying to create some sort of a professional career out of taking pictures. See my website for progress: www.jdk-photography.co.za. It's a very time consuming business, a lot to do and a lot to learn! Being a photographer is more than taking pretty pictures and slapping them on Facebook, in that sense everybody is a photographer these days! There is a technical aspect to learn to be better than the next guy, and of course one needs to actually run a business to make a profit, and that takes time and effort and financial resources, a notorious schlep for the creative person! The website also has a blog, though it's more of a professional thing to showcase my work and discuss all things photographic, mainly as a means to be more interactive with people and not a platform to bitch about my life and my problems, which is what this blog is for. I mean, I'd hate for potential clients to get the impression I think the world owes me a favour, like my cousin Luigi, whom I have absolutely nothing to do with, seems to think. But I'm not interested in the arrogant opinions, life's too short and precious to be bothered with that sort of trivial crap!

Anyway, as a follow on from the last post, I have still not broken on the smoking thing, I've proudly not had a cigarette since 5 December last year, almost 9 months now, and perfectly happy without it. As for the health and fitness thing, that went out the window and stayed out in the cold for the winter. After all the weight lost and fitness gained I got lazy and packed on a few kilo's again in the last few months. It is just not fun running in the cold, wet darkness of winter (that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it!) But fear not dear fans, spring is around the corner and time has come to get back on that wagon, get the running shoes back on, and lose the winter flubber coat to expose the goodness within. Of course with the addition of a half decent privately acquired tan too! The added bonus is Virgin Active is building a massive new gym 5 minutes walk from my house! So no more excuse of having to navigate the traffic and Nigerians of Parklands & Table View to get the 20 minute drive to the gym. I can even go in the mornings now, when the place is built, and be back home by 6am to make breakfast, iron school uniforms, pack lunches, and get myself ready in time to pack the family off to school and work! What an awesome start to the day that will be!

In fact the thought of getting fit and handsome again is quite exciting. Though getting the fat ass back to the gym is going to take some determination! It always does when I've been out for action for a while!

The only problem is that healthy eating has become impossibly expensive so the incredible diet we went on last year will not happen quite the same! The cost of the ingredients for lunch salads, breakfast smoothies, fresh vegetables and healthy food options has become so expensive I cannot afford it, diets are for rich people. So a balance of the healthiest affordable foods in between sandwiches, pastas & potatoes and a regular exercise plan is going to have to suffice!

I'll do my best to pop in the occasional update to this blog as time goes by, it won't be another 8 months before the next entry appears! There is in fact a topic I would like to discuss, which I'll do in the next post, which centers around alcohol and my issues with it! Same old story, same old struggle, so don't bother reading it if you intend to bloat your own ego at the expense of my weakness.

The running man

This picture was taken by the official photographers at last weekends Lourensford 10km trail run. Cost me bloody 50 bucks to buy it off their website, but it's ok this time as it's the first proper photo of me running a real live race with a number on my shirt and all! I think it's a very cool photo, the scenery in the background says a lot about the place, which was stunning!

BTW, the smoking cravings have eased off slightly today! I still have my moments in the office where the boredom gets the better of me and I'd usually go out for a brain-break smoke which takes a bit of frustrated will-power to soldier on and ignore the craving. If I sneak off to the kitchen for a few mouthfuls of my lunch salad or suck down a glass of water helps. But anyway, it is improving and I'm sure I'll be over it by the end of the year, especially after my 9 day year end holiday which should be much easier to bear than at work because I have less triggers at home to smoke than at work.

I still get strong cravings when I'm driving too, or when leaving the gym in the evenings, or when the wife winds me up is when I ache for a smoke the most! Other than those few old habitual reasons I used to have a smoke the want for a niconine fix is slowly abating. Yesterday was definitely the worst day so far!

Tomorrow is a week since I quit, much to many people's disbelief I have stuck it out this far without even a sniff of cigarette smoke. Well the carrion-scavenging skeptics can keep on watching eagerly for this to fail and break down to the curse of the cigarette... well keep watching until you wither away because I'm stronger than that and I won't give in!

Ha ha ha ha haaaaaaa!!!

5 days of a frustrated ex-smoker

Right now exactly 5 days ago at 13h20 I killed my last smoke, as you may have read so dramatically in my last post, so I have now been a non-smoker for 5 days and for now it has become really difficult, especially at work. During a normal working day I used to take frequent smoke breaks, not just for the sake of smoking but also as a break from my mind-numbingly boring work and to stretch my legs and get my blood moving, and some feeling back in my arse which goes quite numb after a few hours sitting on it! The smoke breaks broke the boredom and gave my brain a much needed break.

So the last two days at work have been particularly frustrating because I have been craving quite severely! I understand that theoretically it's that physical nicotine addiction, or the "monster" in my belly, starving for a fix and going crazy with hunger so it's ripping at my mind trying everything to convince me to have a smoke, making me think about it constantly and working hard at forcing my sub conscience to instinctively send me outside to find a cigarette!

The cravings are frustrating, and highly annoying, making me irritable and restless and at times ridiculously short tempered.

But I know it's just that starving nicotine monster getting insanely desperate, as would any creature desperately hungry and delusional with the aggressive need to survive!

The first day or two it was like the proverbial itch that just needed a scratch. It's way beyond that now, I can almost feel the claws and teeth ripping away at my insides as the beast within thrashes around in desperation to get fed, to be sated and soothed with a cigarette and a good calming dose of nicotine! I know that would be the easy relief to this frustration, and in a way it would be nice, a blissful relief!

But that's just the psychological perception and not any kind of physical reality, and all it would serve to do would be to start the problem all over again and revive the need to constantly desire a cigarette to keep the beast fed with every reason and excuse in the book as to why I "need" the next cigarette, while in essence those cigarettes do absolutely nothing for me, other than to continue ruining my life, both physically, mentally and socially!

No no no, I will not go back to smoking not even one little harmless looking cigarette, I will not succumb to temptation. After all, it only took that first drag of that first cigarette 18 years ago to get me hooked on a lifetime of nicotine addiction, an unwitting slave, unknowingly allowing those harmless looking little cigarettes to control my life and personality, and dictate the person I would be for 18 years!

I have also realised that smoking has gradually and progressively fuelled my alcohol addiction without my realising, like an evil little motivator! Sounds strange to come up with something seemingly so absurd, but I'm quite sure of it! The urge to drink is not as strong without the prospect of having the cigarette involved. The two clearly go hand in hand, like destructive, soul-destroying, conniving, anti-social partners in crime breaking me down and overcoming my sense of reality and responsibility. But like bullies on the playground, strong and arrogant in numbers, but weak and cowardly if caught on their own, so now I'm thinking the pull of the alcohol will be a lot weaker without the added muscle of it's ally, the little Peter Stuyvesant.

But in the meantime I will continue to fight this urge to smoke until it goes away, which I'm sure will be soon. I don't need the cigarette, and that Allen Carr session last week taught me to think about why I don't need, or want a smoke, and why that little green beast will try make me think and even feel otherwise! Earlier when I was really getting irritable I took a walk, much to the amusement of my colleagues, out into the fresh air and around a huge university residential complex for 15 minutes, and that really helped to ease the craving!

By Friday, after 7 days, the nicotine addiction should be dying significantly, and in 2 weeks after that should be completely dead and gone. I just need to be strong and stick it out until then to be home free! at the moment it's peaking, I can feel it, it will get easier soon!

My only concern is I have not lost (or gained) any weight since I quit smoking. I do find I've been eating a little more, though not anything unhealthy or in large quantities, and I'm still exercising furiously. So that's a bit disheartening as my weight should still be going down, and I've disappointingly realised I won't reach my weight target by Christmas. The consolation is that in January when the year end functions have died down and I'm too broke to have too many unhealthy "treats" I'll catch up, but in the meantime I've scored a great victory in my battle to get healthy in that I successfully quit smoking, before I'd intended to even try!

My first blog as a non-smoker

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Today, 2 December 2011, at exactly 13h20, I extinguished my very last cigarette!

I am now a non-smoker, and I'm very happy to be!

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This morning I attended the Allan Carr clinic from 8am to 2.30pm, I went in as a smoker, sceptical about whether the session would work, and I left as a non-smoker confident that I will never smoke again for as long as I live, which is surely to be even longer now than it would have been had I carried on smoking!

The clinic was excellent, Dr. Charles Nel the 'therapist' is fantastic. I was sure to be a tough nut to crack, yet Charles and the programme cracked me and not only convinced me to quit the smoke for good, but made it easy to do so by successfully changing my psychological and mental attitude to smoking. I won't go into detail about exactly how, but it's a great system that really works!

I have a week or two to deal with the actual addiction to the nicotine, which should be fairly easy to manage with the way I'll be thinking about it, after that I will never again in any way be a slave to that disgusting little life destroying drug that has been in control of me for the last 18 years of my existence! Never again will I be tempted to go back into that addiction, that monster that grabs hold of you and takes over your mind, body and personality!

No, never again, my days of smoking are history, and I am happy to know that I will never smoke again because I don't need to, nor do I want to.

One thing that today taught me is that by giving up the smoking I am not actually losing anything, but rather I am gaining a lot that the smoking has slowly eroded and taken away from me! To name a few things my health, my nervous system will recover, my brain will get back to reasonably normal functionality, my confidence, my dignity, my stamina, my cash, and my life and well-being in general! And of course no longer I'll have the stigma around me of being the smoker in the group, the outcast, and endure the embarrassment and discomfort of being conscious of the fact that my social time revolves around smoking and the next cigarette!

Throughout the session this morning we took regular smoke breaks as a group. I smoked more this morning than I usually do in that amount of time except when I'm drinking. Until we were sent out to smoke our last cigarettes. It was quite an emotional and sombre moment for me as that last cigarette slowly burned down, then it became a fantastic feeling of elation. Despite the nervousness at the magnitude of what I was doing I was overcome with happiness and excitement at the idea that I would thereafter be a non-smoker. It was like a weight being dumped off my back, like a dark cloud clearing and the sun coming out, a feeling of emotional and psychological freedom!

Of course within 20 minutes I was thinking about having another smoke, but I don't see it as a craving, or a need. I see it as that addiction in the form of a little monster that needs to be fed, that tries to con my brain into thinking I need to feed it a cigarette to get some kind of perceived peace and comfort, but I will not feed that monster or give it the satisfaction of fuelling the addiction. I will starve that evil shit until it dies, and soon I'll be free of the cage of smoke! If that makes any sense at all!

To any smokers out there who are considering quitting, it really is the best thing you can do for yourself! You don't realise how that cigarette controls you and takes away a lot of good things in your life without giving you anything good in return except the perception that it makes you feel good. That's just the addiction which needs to be fed like an itch that needs to be scratched. This Allen Carr thing is really good, I certainly recommend attending the clinic (no I don't get any commission or benefit if you sign up), it really does work, and it does not involve any gimmicks or hypnotherapy or drugs or patches or anything like that. It simply changes the way you think, it treats the main problem, the mental and psychological addiction, more than the physical one. Besides, using gums, patches, zybans, etc simply fuels the nicotine addiction, they don't remove it! You don't treat an alcoholic with alcohol, so why treat a nicotine addict with nicotine?

That's about as much as I will go on about this, except to say that I am genuinely excited about spending the rest of my life without being hooked on smoking, and no longer revolving my life around the next cigarette, and not exposing my wife and my beautiful daughter to my disgusting and dangerous cigarette smoke just because I'm addicted to that toxic rubbish! Most of all I look forward to getting my health back and keeping myself fit and healthy and free of that unnatural poison that I've been destroying myself with for so very long!

Good bye Peter Stuyvesant, you will NOT be missed!

Last day as a smoker

That last day would be today, and quite honestly I have mixed feelings about it! In around 25 hours time I will be smoking my last cigarette, if all goes to plan with this Allen Carr thing tomorrow. I'm not quite sure what exactly to expect with this 6 hour clinic that is supposed to change my psychological and mental outlook on smoking and why I smoke and the need to smoke, etc. Quite frankly I think I'm going to be a tough customer because right now I like smoking and I enjoy my cigarettes, in some situations more than others. The regular habits and connections that work for me with a cigarette are going to be tough to break, eg a smoke makes a beer more enjoyable, smoking is a good excuse to take a break in the office when there is no other reason to leave my desk, unless I take up throning a long relaxing dump 4 times a day with maybe a wank or two while I'm there to make the trip interesting. That's unlikely to happen because with my healthy eating I hardly need to go these days anyway!

Bullshit aside, breaking the mental connections to certain regular habits in my life is going to be very difficult for me, the psychological addiction to smoking and the physical addiction to nicotine go together like Siamese twins, inseparable and hard to ignore! Today I have had 6 cigarettes already and consciously enjoyed every one of them as I think about the fact that soon I will be without that little pleasure and comfort and excuse to take a walk outside soon, despite the fact that I know that every cigarette costs me R1.50 and countless useful living cells in various vital parts of my body, those issues are outweighed by the stubborn perception of enjoyment of that disgusting little stick of poison!

Anyway, I'm going to this clinic willingly, of my own choice and at my own expense. Nobody forced me or convinced me, it was my decision and I will go in there with an open mind and a positive attitude with a desire to quit and the will power to at least give it my best shot. Hopefully the session is not too obviously gimmicky and cheesy because I don't fall easily for Americanised style marketing pitches or church sermons, that will just bore the crap out of me. If it's realistic and relevant and interactive I'll take it more seriously.

Besides, it's no secret that I'm doing this, because it's not in my nature to be secretive about my life-changing endeavours, as you well know. My life is publicised on Facebook and this blog, and so is my big ambitious plan to quit smoking tomorrow, so I'm just going to make a complete ass of myself as a failure if I do this thing and it flops. That said, I believe it can happen, just like I managed to lose all the weight in the time that I did through dogged determination and I took up running and actually enjoy running and the results it's giving me when not long ago I hated running with every excuse in the book. Yes I am under no illusion that of all my recent drastically dramatic lifestyle changes, this chapter, giving up the fag, is by far going to be the toughest part!

So, my dear readers, besides the usual babbling about my weight and my drinking problems and the running and all the other regular crap I waffle on about you are now soon to be obliged to listen to me bitching about life without the cigarette, and it's not always going to be pretty! There are going to be times in the coming weeks that I will be grumpy as an elephant with sore nuts, and at times my temper will be so short fused that I can't even predict the consequences; so for the miserable bitch that I'm sure to become, however temporary, I apologise in advance, especially to my wife and child who will no doubt bear the brunt of my frustrations. So I just hope they have the strength and faith to stick it out and bear with me because it will be better for all of us in the long run!

This then ends my final blog as a smoker, when you read this page again things will be quite different, hopefully for the better!

On another matter, tonight is that pub run, I have to say I'm thoroughly looking forward to the experience! My day at work today is incredibly dull and boring, I'm losing my sanity so this evenings event will really inject some excitement into my life. At least I get to enjoy my final cigarettes with a few beers!

Oh, and I nearly forgot, I have something serious to bitch about! Since my run up Chapmans Peak on Sunday I have been regularly checking the relevant websites and Facebook pages for the much advertised "free" photographs taken at the event. I know there were pictures taken of me because I ran past a few photographers and even gestured to them with smiles and hands raised as I heard their shutters firing aimed at me! This morning the main gallery of 877 photo's (excluding hundreds of others on Facebook) was released, I was not in a single fucken photo, not even in the background somewhere! Oakpics.com were the photographers, and they got loads of great photo's especially of the ladies and the 21km runners, some people featuring in many shots. I was not in one single photo, and I'm seriously fucked off about this because it was my first ever run, I was enthusiastic and excited about the run and I worked my ass off up there and ensured I was running comfortably past the photogs so I could show off afterwards with some kind of graphical momento of the occasion. There are more photo's than there were runners, so I don't know how they fucked that up and missed the one person more chomped to see the photo's than anybody else, judging by the small number of "likes" on their FB page. I'll probably get over this, but I feel disappointed and hard done by.

But hey, shit happens, boo fucking hoo. Oh well!

Run Forrest run, run like the wind...

Running, running and more running... it's hit me like a curse, the bug has bitten and I'm hooked. Despite my desperately aching legs the last two days after running my first road race on Sunday.

On the 15th November, 2 weeks ago, after noticing a Facebook post by one of my FB friends that he had done it, I was outrageously spontaneously inspired to register for the Two Oceans half marathon (21km) next April, which I did, I signed up, and just in time too it seems! All 16,000 available places for the 21km were snapped up within 9 days of being made available. A record. There are now loads of people offering to buy tickets from those of us who have them, I could make a lot of money if I sold my spot, but I'm not going to do that, no sir! It would be like selling my soul!

Two months ago if you suggested I register to do the 2 Oceans I would have laughed in your face, while sweating over my mayonnaise infused 2 minute noodles, after which this blog is named! Or slurring through another bottle of cheap whiskey while another fatty pork chop sizzles on the stove!

But that's all in the past now!

Well, that signing up to do the Two Oceans spurred on the need to get involved in some serious training immediately, including chatting to some friends who are regular runners to learn some tricks, and finding out about shorter local runs. So I got onto the web and quickly found a few useful sites full of info about some upcoming road and trail races and spent copious amounts of time reading up about them and registering for a few. I didn't even know what a trail run was a few weeks ago, nor had any interest in that kind of physical abuse to my big wobbly ass that took me so long to build!

My first run, 3 days ago, was the 10km Superspar Chappies run up Chapmans Peak starting in Hout Bay. The weather was miserable and the wind was pumping, yet everybody there was in high spirits and charged up to do the run, as was I. After all I'd been training for a whole week already with much enthusiasm and sweaty grunting on the gym treadmill! Despite the wind I actually quite enjoyed the experience, something I would never have imagined doing in my wildest aspirations 2 months ago when I was still fat, sweaty and lazy (and probably hungover as was the norm on Sunday mornings!). I started off on the long uphill quickly falling into a comfortable stride aiming to run 10mins and walk 5. 10 minutes came and went as did 15 and I kept running, eventually I took my first break at 25 minutes and walked for 5 before running again. The halfway mark came sooner than expected, at which point I turned around and headed off back the way I came to the finish, all the way DOWNHILL! I did the run in 1 hour and 8 minutes, all 10km up and down Chappies! A few experienced runners reckon this was a very good time for my first run. Honestly I was quite impressed too, I was aiming for around an hour and a half at a push! According to the official timing (see the second page near the bottom) I came 208th out of about 320 runners in the 10km run. At least I didn't come last!

Being my first run I expected to struggle a lot more than I did, it wasn't so bad, I loved the spirited atmosphere amongst the other runners, the surroundings and views were magnificent, I enjoyed the natural beauty and detail that one otherwise misses when you drive the route! All that combined has been a great motivation that I can actually do this and even enjoy it!

I can't wait for the next one...

So I have signed up to do a few more, 4 confirmed and possibly another two, all by the end of the year, which is not too far off:

• This coming Saturday, 3 December - The Vital Run at Lourensford Wine Estate near Somerset West, an off road trail run of 10km through the beautiful winelands. Liezel is doing this one with me.
• Next Saturday, 10 December - The TSiBA Eden New Balance trail run, a 12km run also through the winelands near Stellenbosch.
• Friday 16 December - The RCS Gugulethu Reconciliation Day race, a 10km run-like-hell through the Gugulethu township. I'm really looking forward to this one, it should be a very fascinating experience!
• Wednesday 21 December - The Sundowner 10km race, a late afternoon race starting at the V&A Waterfront, following Beach Road until the Seapoint swimming pool and back. Liezel's doing this one too!
• (Possibly, if my wife allows it!) Monday 26 December, on Boxing day - The Tokai Manor House race, a whopping 16km run through the Tokai forest, just the trick to burn off the ton of calories & fat collected on Christmas Eve and Christmas day, courteousy of our dear mothers. Not that I'll turn my nose up at any of that good food, but I can at least pig out happily with a clear conscience knowing I'll have plenty of energy to burn off over 16km!
• (Possibly, if my wife allows it!) Saturday 31 December - Runners Memorial race, a little 8km to end off the year.

But, there's more! I have also been in touch with a local running club, the West Coast Athletic Club, which I will be joining as a member in the next few days. This will open up the opportunity to do regular runs with a regular group of people as part of a proper club. Apart from the weekly Tuesday run along the Blouberg beachfront (which includes the option of a social drink at the clubhouse, the lifesavers club at Big Bay, thus the club motto - "A drinking club with a running problem") I will be part of the group wearing club colours at the big races around. AND, my club membership will include an official WP (ASA endorsed) running license for a year, which will save a lot of money in paying for temporary licenses every time I register for a race.

BUT, THERE'S EVEN YET MORE... The WCAC invited me to join them for their club hosted annual West Coast Annual Charity Pub Run, TOMORROW evening! Yes you read that right, it's a PUB run. Kind of like a pub crawl, except it's actually an 8km run with 5 compulsory pub stops along the route, which runs from the clubhouse at Eden on the Bay (Big Bay) down to the News Cafe by the Blaawberg road circle and back again. I'm not too worried about the fitness aspect of this run because it's more of a fun social event than a serious race. It will be my first introduction to the club I'll be joining and a chance to meet many other local runners, with drinks in hand! Liezel is doing this one with me too, after much convincing! I'm sure it will be lots of fun, I'm certainly looking forward to the event, which culminates in a big party back at the clubhouse!

So, that's the start of my running. It's still tough for me as I'm still building up the stamina and endurance to do long runs, but I'm keen and full of enthusiasm to take this far and keep it up until I'm doing the long runs and marathons in good times and enjoying it all the way! I'll never win the races, my short stocky legs and stocky build won't allow it, but I'm not doing this to win races, I'm doing it to keep fit and healthy and have fun and get out into the fresh air and enjoy the social vibe that goes with the running events. It's more fun that the treadmill in the gym amongst the testosterone pumped throng of ego-jocks & their cocks wagging at the silly girls only there to be noticed.

My biggest vice with the running at this stage is my smokers lungs clogged up with 18 years worth of tobacco tar! But that is also changing soon! As mentioned in my previous post about the Allen Carr clinic, I did indeed manage to get a spot on this weeks session on Friday due to a cancellation. So, at about 2.30pm on Friday 2nd December 2011 I will be smoking my last cigarette!

Well that's the intention anyway, I'm going in there open-minded with the desire and intention to quit the cigarette for good. Hopefully my will-power will overcome the pull of the addiction and I'll fight off the temptation to light up a fag until the mental pull of the "need" to smoke will diminish into nothingness and I can get on with my life happily without the cigarettes and with a pair of lungs that gradually clear out and come back to life, allowing me to be able to run further and faster without worrying about losing chunks of lung on the roads and trails! If anybody is actually reading this, I will need the encouragement and maybe a kick up the arse if it looks like the temptation might get the better of me! The biggest problem with this is, knowing I'm going to quit soon I am currently smoking more and consciously enjoying my cigarettes, every single one; though the biggest challenge is certainly going to be drinking and not smoking!

Oh, and the last of my health news - I've finally cracked the 90's and broken into the 80's. This morning I weighed 89.9kg! Woo hoo! Although I'm currently 1.6kg behind on my daily weight loss target, it is still steadily coming down, and I'm happy with that. I'm also packing on muscle lately due to all the exercise and I'm pumping heavier weights at the gym, so I'm happy with my health progress. In fact, my trousers that were tight on me 2 months ago are now so large around my waist that even with a belt they look ridiculous. I need to go and buy smaller clothes again soon! How cool is that!

Chocolate brownies and marathons.

Yo whats happening my peeps?

Ag not much excitement from my side hey! I'm on my lunch break now, a rare peaceful one these days! I've been out the whole morning and most of yesterday doing departmental section audits at Groote Schuur hospital, you can't believe how insanely huge that place is! And so far I've only done the old main building, the old hospital. According to my new pedometer (the larney little step, distance, speed, time counter I bought along with a new sports watch last weekend) I have walked around 17km, about 20,000 steps, just at the hospital the last 2 days. And I'm far from finished, I still have to do the NEW main hospital, which is like a city in one building, which is likely to triple the amount of walking I've done so far!

All this along with the running I now do at the gym almost every day, usually 3km lately, and a circuit workout and an hour of squash, is contributing to a pair of constantly stiff legs and gradually increasing fitness levels. I have upped my game with the fitness mission because I recently signed up for next years Two Oceans half marathon of 21km and in the interim registered for loads of short runs, starting with a 10km this coming Sunday up Chapmans Peak. So apart from the fact that I AM gonna kak off on Sunday, I've been putting in the effort to train as hard as my endurance can handle, which isn't much yet! My body is certainly building up the strength quickly, but my lungs are not handling and feel like they are going to explode out of my chest at times in an effort to keep up the oxygen supply to my body. So my next mission is to quit smoking, and soon, but I've decided I like smoking too much so I can't do it on my own as in just quit cold turkey style, and I'm not interested in drugs and nicotine replacement gimmicks. Therefore I have decided to go the Allen Carr route, via one of their half day clinics which apparently has a 90% success rate on the first attempt. Go to the website and see what it's all about, I'm not going to explain it here, but basically it looks like a system that may have a chance of defeating my smoking addiction. Only problem is it's so popular the next free spot on one of the clinics is mid January next year. So I sigh a sigh of relief as I get to enjoy my fags a bit longer!

Meantime I will have to bear the consequences in my new athletic endeavours, but I'm sure I'll be ok, albeit not posting any record times and probably barfing up chunks of blackened lung along the way!

This weekends run is a road race up a mountain, then the next two weeks I'm doing Trail Runs of 10km and 6km which are off-road runs through the wine lands along country paths through vineyards, forests, mountains, etc. These will be a fair bit tougher, but I'm looking forward to the idea of the fresh air outdoor adventure aspect of the sport.

The other reason I'm boosting the fitness now is that my weight loss took a knock over the last week and a half (spit braai last weekend, lots of junk food this weekend including steak, bacon, eggs, pate's, chocolate brownies, etc, and 2 weekends of heavy drinking), and until the last weekend I was not losing any weight, actually gained a bit, unable to break the 91.6kg mark which I reached 3 times in 9 days,  and as such have gone over the red line on my graph depicting my daily target. So now I have some catching up to do to make the 80kg mark by Christmas, and so far it's working, this week I've lost 2kg in 4 days already. This morning I was 90.9kg. By Sunday morning before the race I want to be at most 90kg, just so I have that little bit less to have to lug up the mountain with me!

There are a few potential hiccups between now and Christmas, as can be expected at this time of the year, starting tonight with Liezel's company function, the Party in the Park, which is likely to include something unhealthy. I will refrain from too much beer and junk food, but admittedly the delicious salad I had for lunch didn't totally fill the gap, and after the walking I'm going to do the rest of the day I will probably be hungry enough by the time of the party to be tempted by a boerewors roll or something equally delicious with an ice-cold brew!

Then I have 2 work Christmas lunches and a few other functions involving nice food along the way.

So it will be hard work keeping ahead of the target, once I'm back on track, but watch me I'll do it! I will impress the least believing of you!

And someday soon I'll get back on track with the photography too, which I haven't had time for lately. I do miss it, and I will get it going again in earnest as soon as I've reached my weight loss goal, which right now takes up a lot of my spare time.

But for now I'll leave you with the menu I created for my office Friday tea last week: Home made very Chocolate brownies (with extra chocolate chips), ice cream and a hot chocolate sauce I made using 5 large Bar-One chocolates, a tin of condensed milk and a pot of cream. Then for savoury I made 3 pate's to go with a biscuit selection: rich, spicy chicken liver pate with brandy, smoked snoek, cream cheese and parsley pate, and an avocado & garlic hummus. For extra's I bought coconut cookies and Christmas mince pies. See the photo below for a conservative idea of the feast that my colleagues stuffed themselves on delightedly! Once again I am the undisputed Friday tea King! And, I'm a fucken boy outperforming the old tannies!

It's my first day back at work today after being off sick the whole of last week with the Chicken Pox, which was not fun. Anyway, I can't say I'm delighted to be back, it's always a drag getting back into the boring old work routine after some time off.

To be honest I'm feeling a bit lazy to write this blog too. It's just an obligation since I didn't do one for a week and some weekends and I got plenty to say, I just don't feel like it right now. But sometime in the course of the week I'll do an in-depth account of what the chicken pox experience is like at the ripe old age of 35. Just in case anybody was wondering and considering it as an excuse to get off work or other responsibilities for a few days. Trust me, it's not worth it! It's is a horrid experience!

Just a quick update on the health mission - I'm still working at it... This past weekend I reached the 1 month mark since starting the lifestyle change and in that month I lost 13kg. Unfortunately we went out to a party on Saturday night which featured a lamb spit braai. That meat was just so fantastically delicious that I ate huge quantities of it, throughout the night as I could fit it into my stomach, washed down with the majority of a bottle of whiskey. So anyway I packed on another 0.8kg by this morning that I need to now drop again. Of course my graph went haywire and my estimated target date to reach 80kg (calculated my an automated exponential forecast trendline) moved further along by 2 days from the 19th to the 21st December. But it's ok, at this time of year we're bound to take a knock once in a while, it just means working harder in between.

Tonight I'll be back at gym again for the first time since the dreaded pox struck me down over a week ago. Back on the squash court, and I think dinner will be a portion of my diet protein shake. Got to get that graph back down!

So much for not saying much. Below is my graph as of today.

I work at a radio station!

This whole diet thing has now spawned a rather annoying side to it! Word is out in my office that I'm on this diet and weight loss mission, and everybody is talking about it. It's at the point where I can't have an interaction with somebody at work without either some comments about how the diet is going or how much weight I have lost and how much better I'm looking, which is all flattering but I don't want to discuss it constantly! Even worse, if I pass somebody in the corridor people think I don't notice them checking me up and down! I feel like the spotlight is on me and following me around. Sure, when I'm on stage playing drums I love the attention, but that's the only time. I'm otherwise quite a shy person and not a big fan of attention!

Today we had our weekly Friday office tea, which was very nice. My colleague outdid herself in quality, quantity and presentation, and she made a concerted effort to make the options as healthy as possible, like the lady who's turn it was last week! It was appreciated! It included carrot cake with low-fat cream cheese icing, apple pie, and a very nice fruit platter which I had generous portions of. Very nice indeed, and I ate my fill without pigging out. But then at one stage I got up to go for a piss, because as part of the diet I drink copious volumes of water constantly. When I got back I was asked, in front of 8 people, if I had gone to "purge", ie. stick my finger in my throat and barf up my food. This then became a conversation and I was questioned further. I must have gone red in the face with embarrassment, it was a kak thing to ask and a fucking shit awkward thing to have to explain, at the tea table, that I had indeed gone for a fucking piss! I was seriously not impressed! What the fuck - do these people think I've lost all this weight from throwing up my food like some anorexic ballet dancer (no offence intended to ballet dancers!) This diet has been fucken hard work, determination, and sacrifice of many things that I love!

Seriously, fuck off!

I will no longer mention my mission nor answer questions about it at work. It's something I'm proud of, I don't need condescending insults!

Anyway, rant over... This Friday tea was just a treat that I took as a calculated moderation of something nice.

When this crowd sees my tea contribution next week they are going to fall over backwards, probably with cholesterol heart attacks! It will be a surprise indeed!


Tomorrow we are going to my friend Mandy from school for a braai, whom I've not seen since school, in 1994. Yes I'm that old already! She is also on this will power diet, Tamsyn is a mutual friend from school, so we will endeavour to keep the contents of the braai reasonably healthy as well as being enjoyable. 

BUT, before the braai, Mandy and I are playing squash after months of threatening for a game, something I've been dreading due to her reputation as a pro with bite. That said, I'm looking forward to the game, it will be a good workout and a fantastic learning experience. I have never had any squash coaching so I don't even know if I'm holding the racket correctly, let alone playing correctly, so hopefully I'll learn a few useful tricks!

I also intend to hit the gym tonight and tomorrow morning, with some squash if there's any free courts as I don't have any bookings. I don't book weekend courts in advance since weekends can be so unpredictable. Liezel and I had spoken earlier in the week to not do anything this weekend besides gardening and working around the house and the hike up Lions Head on Sunday morning, which has been cancelled since everybody who was so keen to get a hiking club going has chickened out, and I'm not keen to go up alone and get mugged, which happens there regularly in case you think I'm chickening out too, because I'm not! I'm keen to do it! Well, the weekend is now fully booked, just about!

Then Sunday evening I'm doing a family photo shoot at the beach. Should be interesting!

So anyway, lunch is over, I need to get back to my Autocad drawing!

Have a nice weekend all!

Hallo!

Howzit all you lovely mofo's!

Don't really have much to say today except I have an itch on my back that I can't scratch because my stupid elbows can only bend forwards. How useful it would be if they could go backwards too, what kind on incredible talents and skill sets that would open up! Personally I wouldn't mind being able to turn my head 360 degrees like an owl without breaking my fucking neck! How cool would that be... try sneak up on me then bitch! I won't even start on being able to flap my arms and fly like a bird! That's a very realistic dream I have on a regular basis, in all kinds of surreal situations! Flap my arms and glide over the city at night, quiet and unseen. Though I just thought how impractical taking a camera with would be! But really, I would love to be able to fly!

Anyway, I have no idea where that last paragraph just came from. Boredom brain is at it again!

It's amazing how much more active and imaginative my pickled old grey matter is becoming as time progresses through this lifestyle upgrade I'm putting myself through. Evin mah shpelling has improoved! No seriously, the stronger, fitter body; all the healthy nutrients my body has been deprived of for most of it's existence; and mainly the lack of alcohol seems to be contributing to a gradual increase in my cleverness and sharpness. Even if I'm the only one who thinks so!

Yesterday I played squash twice. Once in the morning at the UCT squash courts on Health Sciences campus, and again in the evening at the gym followed by a good workout. The work paid off, I lost half a kilo in a day, putting me at 95.9kg down from 96.4 yesterday. I have to admit publically, because I have no shame, that yesterday's game at UCT was played in my smart black work shoes and long black socks. Choppy here forgot my trainers. Thank goodness nobody else was there to see it, I must have tooked like an idiot. To top it off I had to wear those same socks and shoes the rest of the day, AND I forgot to take deodorant with! Fortunately I had an emergency supply of deo back at the office!

I just had a salad for lunch, for a change. LOL. Herb lettuce, cucumbers, little tomatoes (as usual) with diced chicken breast, avo, seeds, sun dried tomato, fresh raw garlic, and delicious spicy croutons I made freshly last night, baked with olive oil and chilli. Breakfast was a very good smoothie made with a banana, 4 big strawberries, fat-free yogurt and milk, water, jungle oats, future-life, protein shake, and a tablespoon of peanut butter. This all for two of us! This healthy stuff is just way too delicious!

Talking about last night, the photo is the beautiful meal I cooked for the fandamily. Fortunately it was just enough for the servings pictured, because it was so nice that my Liezel would have uncontrollably eaten tons more had there been more. There was one extra mushroom that she nearly made love to when I slipped it onto her plate (wish I could be as lucky as the mushroom... nearly is better than nothing!).

The food was simply salmon which I bought on special with the frozen fish, otherwise we could not justify paying for salmon in this backwards country. I laid the salmon on a bed (no I didn't shag it you pervert!) of two large mushrooms per piece of fish, with garlic and lemon juice in between and mixed herbs with Ina Paarmans fish spice on top. Baked it in the oven for about 20 minutes (the fish went in still frozen solid) and grilled it the last 5 minutes. Vegetables were steamed in the electric steamer and splashed in the fishy mushroom juice in the baking dish just before serving. The fish was devine, complimented perfectly by the garlic mushrooms!

You may have noticed, or not, there is a lot of garlic in my food lately. The great thing about the garlic is it's making me fart like a tractor, constantly! Especially when I'm walking or playing squash. And I love a good release of ripe fermented flatulence! Just as well I've played squash solo the last 2 days otherwise I'd have had a noxiously unfair advantage on the court! There was something maliciously satisfying earlier today walking through the cafeteria in the Molly Blackburn hall up on UCT campus, place packed to the rafters, puffing away stealthily like a professional "windgat" leaving a trail of gagging students.

Tonight I'm not cooking, we will have health-shakes for dinner and I have a squash court booked at 7.15 after Tammy's swimming lesson.

Have a good baff, I mean day!