AA, maybe

In light of my previous two blog posts, I made the tentative move of venturing onto the AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) website to do a bit of reading. I'm thinking it's about time to stop bitching about being an alcoholic and not wanting to be an alcoholic and not knowing what to do about it; and actually do something about it! It's clear that despite my cries for help, it's not going to come to me. Alcoholism is a very lonely and dark place, being shunned and judged by everybody else for being caught by the disease. People are quick to insult, criticize and bitch about alcoholics but nobody will bother to offer any help. That's my experience anyway, so I'm going to have to start clawing my way out of the bottle on my own.

I did previously go to the local Table View AA, I went to two meetings, and it didn't work for me. I felt like an outsider butting my way into a long established clique of old friends, I didn't feel comfortable. They had no welcome packs at the time but I was promised somebody would contact me when they had and to discuss a possible "sponsor". That never happened. It also felt like a church service with a room full of born-again Christians, with multiple prayer sessions. I am a Christian, "born-again" many years ago. Sure I don't go around preaching or living by the 10 commandments, but I am a believer, my relationship with God is a personal one. But in that particular environment I didn't feel comfortable. What I needed was help and advice and encouragement and support to stop drinking, not scripture lessons and prayers.

But, I've also realised that besides the AA there simply is no other support or help around for alcoholics, besides expensive rehab centres, which are absolutely not an option. So reluctantly I'm going to have to give the AA another try in the near future, or carry on drinking until it kills me.

I'm not keen to die just yet, and I feel that is coming soon if something is not done!

To be honest, the idea of going back there does make me nervous, incredibly so. Not because anybody might recognize me, because I doubt anybody noticed the last time I was there. It's a big step, a huge step, to actually attempt getting help to stop drinking and break free from this disease, because that's what it is - a disease that affects the mind and body. I'm honestly afraid, it's like walking away from a 22 year love/hate relationship. What will happen, how will I cope with NOT drinking at social functions. Truly, the idea of actually not drinking and being drunk and hungover again is exciting in some strange way, but I know that at the time, or even this evening in a few hours the cravings will be back and it will be incredibly difficult, and stressful, to not touch alcohol.

Besides, what do non-drinkers drink at parties? Besides sugar? Everything else except water has mountains of sugar, and I don't want the sugar. So what are the alternatives to alcohol? What are the incentives? Go to a party and drink water, milk or coffee all night? Sorry but that idea does not sound like barrels of fun!

But, somehow that will need to become a reality. I simply cannot drink in moderation, or drink minimal like a beer or two. Alcohol grips me and takes control just at the thought of a drink! Once that first drink crosses my lips I will be swigging out the whiskey bottle until I have no more memory of the night. Happens every time! And if I run out of booze I go insane. It's not cool, I'm ashamed of the person I am when I drink.

It needs to stop!

And I need to do some work...