Lazy ass!

So, I'm going through this dilemma at the moment which is rather frustrating, and confusing...

During the day while I sit at my desk at work, making like I'm working, I'm constantly thinking about running. It's kind of like an addiction of sorts; I think about it, I read running related articles on various running websites and Facebook pages, I check the online schedules for forthcoming road and trail running races, and when I find a nice race I book a spot. For the first three quarters of the day I wish I could just go out and run, and I look forward to going for a run.

But, by the end of the day, after a long tedious day of parking on my arse in front of my computer, I go home and that desire to run all day is gone. I no longer have the desire or inclination to go and run, or exercise. Like yesterday, all day I looked forward to going to the gym for a workout and a good run on the treadmill. By the time I got home I was knackered and hungry, and the prospect of staying home and relaxing with a few whiskeys just seemed more appealing, so I caved, sat in front of my computer and got merrily drunk on a few too many Vat 69's.

Compounding the problem is the fact that for over two weeks I've done zero exercise, because two weeks ago I got the flu and until now I'm still recovering with the sniffles and the odd cough. True to experience, when we don't exercise for a while we do get lazy and getting back into it just takes a whole load more effort. I did some sit-ups last week, my abs burned for 3 days afterwards!

The plan today, like yesterday, is to hit the gym this evening after work, and as I write this (in my lunch break), the idea of going for that workout and a run is exciting, but I know that by 5pm this afternoon that excitement will be dead, flat, gone, and another evening will be wasted and tomorrow another self-inflicted guilt trip will be hanging over my head, and possibly another hangover!

Oh, btw, Two Oceans entries open tomorrow for next years race! Two Oceans is like my annual goal, this next one I plan to pull off a sub 2 hour time for the 21.1km race, from a group C seeding. For this to happen I need to get out there and train hard, which means actually putting shoes on my feet and going running instead of sitting at home being lazy and packing on the blubber I fought so hard to lose in the last few months!

Maybe this is the psycho-therapy necessary to get that motivation in the right place - writing about it on my blog!

Anyway...

And no I'm not going to run during my lunch break, because I use the time to write my blog, and it's only a half hour break to get some grub down my gullet, and there are no showers here, but most importantly there's no way in hell I'm going to run around Epping! Too many dodgy characters around and I'd be smoking truck fumes all the way!

So lets hope this evening I'll have the "want" to got to the gym.

I'm not making excuses, but the other problem I still have is no decent running shoes. I've been running in my old New Balance shoes which are worn, old and uncomfortable. The Puma's I bought earlier this year are stuffed, completely unwearable. So this does also put me off because running in crap shoes does not instill confidence. It would be so much more encouraging if I could look forward to slipping my feet into a decent pair of comfortable shoes. So I think this year I'm going to bite the bullet and buy myself a new pair for Christmas. Then next year will be a good year for running!

Enough moaning about being poor, lunch break is over.

A lifestyle journey

This is one of those random "let's write a quick blog during lunch" moments. Lets see what comes out of it...

Enjoying a local craft beer yesterday at Obz Cafe while Tammy
did dress rehearsal for her concert.

For starters, as many of my Facebook friends saw a few days ago, I've passed the 3 month milestone since quitting smoking, again. I realise these non-smoker timeline announcements don't quite have the same exciting impact as they did the first time I quit in November 2012, after being a relatively heavy smoker since the age of 18. That was a big occasion, one to be proud of and one I was very chaffed with myself over as was everybody who knew me. So it goes without saying that starting up again last year was probably the dumbest thing I've ever done. It started as just a puff at a party, then bummed a whole smoke on the sneak like a naughty schoolboy, before long I very guiltily (I recall that moment clearly) bought a packet of Styvesant Blue, and for a few months gradually built up the momentum and a solid addiction all the while doing it on the sly, too embarrassed to let my family find out. One of my lowest ever life moments was when my daughter Tammy caught me, her absolute disappointment broke my heart. But at the same time came as a relief that I no longer had to sneak around since most people now knew and I'd learned to smoke away the embarrassment. The addiction which had taken a solid grip on my brain was stronger than my shame. So I suppose when I quit again this time round I can accept that people probably take it less seriously. But the difference is I know what a ridiculously stupid thing it was to light up again, and this time I will stick to not smoking for life because I'm psychologically ready, fully aware that I don't need that poison in my system for any reason and the only excuse to ever smoke again will be pathetic, disconcerted weakness. I couldn't bear doing that to Tammy again! Besides, part of the motivation to quit this time round has been the running and fitness. My lungs simply cannot handle where I'm trying to take my body. I nearly barfed my lungs out on the track on that first trail run in August, was so out of breath I had to stop, wheezing and gasping fighting to get some oxygen back in my veins. That's when I realised I have a choice: to carry on smoking and getting fat from laziness and progressively unhealthy and ugly and probably die in the next few years in great discomfort and shameful misery, or quit that shit and get fit and healthy and handsome and enjoy a longer life looking decent and feeling strong, confident and alive.

Why we actually allow ourselves to get to that point where we realise we have to make that life or death choice is beyond comprehension. But that's what these addictions to these bad lifestyle choices do, they manipulate us gradually over time, weakening our resolve into believing that the unhealthy lifestyle (smoking, drinking, eating crap and doing no exercise) is easier, and as time goes on the prospect of getting fit and healthy seems more and more impossible and less likely (and we can all admit that the desire to get healthy, quit smoking, etc is always there harassing our conscience, but just not strong enough to kick our fat arses into action!) And yes, making that change, that lifestyle U-turn, from the point where I was 4 months ago, is a daunting task, a massively steep uphill, one that appears almost impossible. A decision that's too easy to postpone to "another day". But I realised that it's a choice that simply has to be made if I'm going to be around to see my daughter grow up. And yes, it is difficult, especially at the beginning, it takes a lot of effort to eat right, exercise often, while dealing with withdrawal from an awful drug addiction to nicotine, but it gets easier. The cravings for a smoke are completely gone, each run or workout gets easier and becomes more enjoyable, and eating the right stuff becomes normal. Eg. I'm now enjoying coffee without sugar, or any form of sweetener. Coffee with sugar is actually gross! I see sweeteners for coffee in the same light as nicotine patches/gums/etc as replacements for smoking. You're still feeding the addiction. It's like feeding an alcoholic vodka through intravenous drips to help quit "drinking". It's pointless! I avoid sugar as far as possible, no coke & other sodas, no sweets & cakes, condiments like chutney, etc. That alone makes a huge difference to weight loss and well being. The other half of the diet is to avoid carbs (bread, wheat, pasta, taters, rice, etc) as far as possible, while allowing these in small moderation as a treat and not a staple. But it is hard work preparing carb-less food, and rather expensive. Vegetables are stupidly expensive! No wonder we are a nation of fat slobs, people live on grain based food because it's cheap!

Anyway, the exercise thing has taken a back seat for the last two weeks since I came down with a bad dose of flu, I can feel the laziness setting in again; this evening I'll once more brave the chaos of the gym for a good cardio and strength workout. I'm excited to get back into the routine. On Saturday a bunch of us are doing the Winelads 10km race, I'm looking forward to that. The weight loss has flatlined for a while now, it's time to bend that curve back down again toward that target which is what I am now minus another 15kg.

So on other news, this last weekend was hectic busy, except Friday night, I took that easy in anticipation for a long Saturday... which started off at 5am as a marshal for the West Coast half marathon. My first time marshaling a race and have to say I quite enjoyed it. Every race we run is hosted by the local running club, and that club's members volunteer as the marshals, this keeps the cost of races to a minimum while the club earns a bit of valuable income. Since I run often these days I felt it only fair to do my share of marshaling.

I can see how often marshals are perceived to be on power trips, because one does have momentarily the power of directing and channeling a lot of people and the power to stop and control traffic. Which I did a lot of, though it wasn't an arrogant thing, I've seen marshals who do get big-headed and they tend to piss people off and make fools of themselves. I really enjoyed the vibe and the appreciation of thousands of runners in helping them enjoy a smoother run. I met some nice people, and saw a lot of cheeky bums in tight pants trotting past!

Thereafter I went home, made breakfast, got the car washed, then we hit the road for the familiar 4 hour road trip to Witsand for my dad's 60th birthday dinner. Albeit a short visit I really enjoyed it especially because my adorable little old Granny was there. I don't get to see her often, and for the first time ever we had 4 generations of the family together with my brother and I, our kids, dad and gran, which of course we had to get a photo of.

Me, my dad, granny (dad's mom), my brother Warryn, my daughter Tammy and Warryn's daughter Jess.

A rare moment indeed, and a precious one. Granny is getting on in life, it's unlikely this same photo will ever be re-created. Anyway, we had a great dinner, ate and drank merrily as we sent dad off into his 60's. These special family moments don't happen often enough!

On Sunday morning we hit the road back home early, at 6.30am, to make it in time for Tammy to perform in her drama pirate production, "Pirate Joe". It was the year end culmination of 2 terms of Drama as an extra mural with the Helen O'Grady Drama Academy. The show was super cute, I got lots of photo's which I don't have with me now, I'll post some of them up later, after gym. My little girl was a super star, even though her part was small, she did so well, once again I'm the proudest dad in town!

Then last night we ordered pizza as a treat for Tammy, and I was guilty of ingesting all those evil carbs, but it was a rare treat which we enjoyed. I washed it down with a few enjoyable stiff whiskeys to end off a hectic weekend.

You see, that's my next vice that I need to tackle - the drinking. Although for health reasons I generally only drink whiskey with water or soda, I know I drink far more than is good for me. My alcoholism is another addiction which still has a tight grip and I'm not sure how to tackle this one, as some of you may know this is something I've been battling alone for many years, a while back I even had a blog about it called Diary of a Dipsomaniac, but don't bother looking for it, I took that one down long time ago. It got rather embarrassingly personal as I wrote long posts while I was zonked, feeling sorry for myself and moaning about the woe's of my life. That's not the case now, I don't have pity parties, I know what the problem is, I just need to find a way to deal with it which will probably involve psychological preparation and a change of mindset like when I quit smoking. Except this will be a lot harder! Don't ask me why, it just will!

But that will come in due course, my last big hurdle of the road to fit & healthy longevity, providing I can avoid the proverbial bus on the way!

Have a nice day, I need to go earn some peanuts...

Granny, Tammy and me.

Escape!

It's days like today that I would like nothing more than to jump in my Land Rover and disappear for a few days deep into the wilderness, alone with my camera and a few bare necessities. Out of range of cell phone reception or modern communication networks.

Days like today when the pressure of making the right decisions becomes too heavy a burden to bear, I wish I could just run away and escape the responsibility of making said decisions which either way are going to upset people I care about. I hate hurting people, yet somehow that just seems to come naturally with me! I land myself in the middle of situations which inevitable cause somebody else anguish or inconvenience.

This story about Christmas, and cancelling out the expensive aspects to it, is really becoming awkward and uncomfortable. I'm dreading explaining to my parents that we won't be attending their usual Christmas events because of financial limitations due to the cost of putting Tammy into a better school. I simply can't afford the cost of buying gifts and expensive meals and long distance travel this year, but somehow, without even having faced the music, I'm feeling horribly guilty and foolish, like I'm letting everybody down and causing major inconveniences and unpleasantness, which is not the intention!

And here we have the type of reasons why I hate Christmas! It's never a happy time to look forward to, it's a miserable, stressful, depressing time riddled with guilt trips! I've not done anything wrong! Why do I feel so bad? And sad!

One of these days I'd like to write a blog about something happy and positive...

Christmas is Cancelled

To elaborate on yesterday's post, we have decided to cancel Christmas this year in my family for financial reasons.

Tammy will still get some nice gifts, the main one we already bought a while back, and we will make Christmas special for her, but we are pulling out of the family events and cancelling our travelling plans for the December holidays.

The reason being, we're moving Tammy to a different school in 2016, which I'll elaborate below. The move involves a large deposit (refundable when she leaves the school) which we were hoping to get help with from a family member who has unfortunately been unable to come to the party, meaning we've had to come up with R40k at short notice, which we've done through credit, but it means that for the foreseeable future we have zero disposable cash for anything other than bare necessities. This means no money for travelling and no money for Christmas gifts for anybody, even small ones.

This is a regrettable decision, one we are sad about, and one that will no doubt cause some shit in the family because it means we're dropping people and there are less presents to go under the collective tree. Believe me I'd love nothing more than to have no restrictions on the amount of money available to buy everybody wonderful gifts which they can be impressed with and love me more for, but unfortunately this decision is because we are striving to provide our only child with the best possible education and foundation for a good life, and at times like this means sacrifice and some inconvenience. Although saying that, it's not really a terrible thing for us. We'll be fine on our own, we'll have a pleasant little family Christmas at home and a nice quiet holiday. It'll be like we're still abroad, and we were quite happy back then. Though I don't expect everybody will be quite understanding of the situation, this is what it is and we'll do what we have to to make it work.

About the school; we are really sad to be leaving the CBC family. Tammy has been there since grade 00 through grade 0, R, 1 and 2. She's been happy, made lots of friends and her teachers have mostly been nothing short of incredible. We will miss the people at CBC and are grateful for them being instrumental in shaping Tammy into the awesome little girl she's developed into. But, the school has also started to fall by the wayside as far as management is concerned. Apart from having consistently appalling communication, the school seems to be having financial difficulties, the pressure of which is being passed onto the parents in the form of a 12% fee increase for 2016 which they cannot reasonably justify. The financial presentation offered to the parents last week was poor, inconclusive and indicative that the school is pulling the wool over our eyes. The school is a full NPO, meaning there are zero resources to fall back on and parent school fees are the only source of income. This is a big burden and a concern because if times get tighter there will be problems, and there are minimal funds for development like building a swimming pool or secure fencing between the kids and the drug dealers on the main road. Additional funds will need to come from our pockets too in the form of various fundraisers, should the school take on new projects.

The new school we're moving to, Elkanah House, is a highly spoken of school, one of the best in the Cape Town region, and although more expensive than CBC it has all the facilities like a pool, auditorium, great extra murals, etc on site. The teachers are world class, the school is small and well established, and is financially secure. It's generally a better school than CBC and we're fortunate to have bagged a spot for Tammy for grade 3. It's a big decision but one we've thought through and discussed extensively.

It just means we'll need to bite the bullet for a while until the deposit is paid off. We also need to buy new school uniforms, school bags, stationery, etc which also amounts to a lot of money which we need to come up with.

So hopefully this explains satisfactorily why we are cancelling Christmas this year - we had to choose between Christmas and Tammy's education. Sorry but it's a no brainer!

The Burden of Christmas

What have we done to Christmas? 

It's no longer what it used to be, what it's meant to be, which in my mind is a happy time spent with our families celebrating the birthday of Christ as good Christians should. A day of fun, laughter, good food and drink and unwinding together after a long year of toiling at the grindstone with the usual cheesy Christmas music in the background.

Instead Christmas has become the obligatory period of annual commercialism, the stressful time of being expected to spend vast amounts of money we don't have on Christmas presents. A time for shitting over what to buy for who and how much we have to spend on each person. A time of enormous stress and pressure to impress people who should love each other unconditionally, irrespective of who spends the most on who!

Christmas has become a luxury for the rich and a financial burden for the poor!



I rate myself in the bracket of being relatively poor as far as disposable income is concerned, I do not have spare cash for lavish gifts for everybody that I'm obliged to supply gifts for, this time of year for me is nothing but unpleasant stress over the looming massive financial burden, and to be honest, since returning from our 8 years abroad, away from this burden, I have come to HATE Christmas more and more each year. It causes fights between my wife and I and I have the stressful worry of what the hell do I buy for the people on the list I'm obliged to buy for and how am I going to afford it! Why has it become about this? Personally, Christmas is depressing! And no doubt I'm an asshole for thinking that way, because people are selfish!

I'm sure many will disagree with this sentiment and come with all kinds of crap like being creative and keeping it cheap! Well I'm not creative like that, I do not know what to make or buy for people, I don't know what people want or need, and worrying about it only makes me angry and resent this whole commercial culture of Christmas even more. Inevitably the result is having to trudge through shopping malls looking for gifts, or even worse, getting dragged through shopping malls for hours on end by my wife. There is nothing I enjoy less than getting dragged around shopping malls. My dear wife can attest to the fact that simply entering a shopping mall makes me intensely grumpy, and having to do that shit in the chaotic weeks preceding Christmas is for me pure painful HELL!!!

Back in the days when we were still in London, Christmas obligations involved a few phone calls back home, thereafter we were free to hook up with friends and go out and enjoy the day without the obligatory financial burden of having to buy stuff for lots of people. A thoughtful gift shared between wife and I was sufficient, the time together enjoying the day was worth far more!

Don't get me wrong, I love my family and I do enjoy spending some time with them, but this sick culture of handing out costly gifts to each other, for which we are being judged on based on how much money we spent on each person, makes me depressed. I cannot spend as much as some people so inevitably end up feeling guilty or left out. Certain people end up with mountains of expensive gifts while others not so much, and one kid usually ends up with more presents to open than the other. It's all disproportionate, it's messy, and at the end of it we are left with large bags of expensive torn-up wrappings and piles of random stuff which inevitably ends up in storage or lying around the home. And of course the kids end up with a mountain of unappreciated toys they barely notice as they rip open one after another, most they will probably only play with once then dump in the bottomless pit of the toy box! It's a big goddamned waste!

That said, I actually don't mind the kids getting some nice gifts, that's how it should be - gifts for the kids, the adults should not be obliged to buy stuff for each other. I do appreciate the gifts I get, very much, but it's usually stuff I don't need or don't use. How many bottles of shower gel I've collected over the years I can't tell you, and I've never used shower gel!

So what now, how does one escape this expectation to spend money on expensive gifts without being offensive? I've tried making the suggestion before that we only get gifts for the kids and not adults, but those who can afford to buy for everybody also expect to receive lavish gifts to open in the frenzy of present opening, which for some of us happens two or three times as we go to different groups of family. So of course the obligation cannot be ignored! Each year my wife and I discuss going away over Christmas to avoid all this, but in reality it won't help because despite sucking up the cost of travelling we will still be obliged to supply gifts for the same people, whether we see them on Christmas or not, because they have bought stuff for us! And of course we'll be perceived to be rude for not attending family functions over Christmas, and we'll be guilted for denying Tammy the opportunity to open huge piles of presents.

I realise this will be seen as one of my more controversial rants which no doubt will be taken far more personally by some than is intended, but this is just the way I feel. I hate Christmas and the culture that Christmas has become about. It's actually a depressing time and I would rather skip it all and disappear out into the wilderness, away from the madness! I doubt my absence would even be noticed.

But, that joy of fast forwarding past it all is not to be. No doubt my wife and I will have numerous more fights over what to buy for who and who is paying for what, then I'll get dragged miserably through Canal Walk a few times spending what precious little money I don't have on menial gifts to wrap, before we head off to mom's place for the usual Christmas Eve gift opening fiasco and then to Witsand for more of the same, the rest of the time at both spent on cooking, eating enormous volumes of food, and cleaning up. Then before you look again it's over, and we're fat and broke with bags of arb stuff to find place for in our cluttered homes and a fresh new gutter of debt to fill up.

Happy f***ng Christmas everybody!