Yo

And so it goes, I have to go to bed unceremoniously, quietly, because life sucks that way! I mutherfucking hate this way of life.

I just heard a gunshot outside, heard a bottle smash, or what sounded like it. (quickly closed windows and curtains) scared like a poes.

Did I mention I hate this couped up shit?

I don't want to be here anymore.

10 years!

That's 10 years married to my beautiful wife Liezel! Almost, in 2 hours time...

I'd love to tell you what an amazingly awesome perfect 10 years it's been,

The letter

The following transcript is my response to an email I got from a friend this morning who was responding to my previous post. I won't post his email for privacy reasons, but as my response was so long-winded and detailed I figured I may as well follow on from yesterday's post with this instead of writing a whole long new one! He was encouraging me to have some belief in Christian faith based recovery programs like the AA, talking from some personal experiences.

Here goes my response:

"Hi Mate

Thanks for the email.

The drinking is something I've had a problem with for quite some time now and it is something I know I need to break away from soon. It's not that I don't believe in the faith based programmes, I'm just skeptical of how exactly it works. Fortunately I am already a Christian and have been all my life, during my late teens and early twenties I was actually quite involved in church and religious activities. But I also do feel that God has deserted me during some difficult times in my life though I'm sure He had his reasons. I don't mean to sound blasphemous, nor am I resentful, it's just how I feel.

Anyway, why I question the AA faith based method is this: what about people who are not Christians, non believers in any religion or atheists, and there are a lot of people like that, more and more all the time. Is there just no hope for them, besides expensive rehab programmes? It just sounds like a very discriminatory system dependent on turning people to believe in God to take their problems away instead of some kind of practical and even psychological course of action.

When I quit smoking I had the desire to quit, same as I have the desire to quit the drinking. But with the smoking somebody recommended the Allen Carr clinics ( http://www.allencarr.co.za/ ). As a discovery vitality member I qualified to do the workshop for a subsidized mere R350 instead of the usual R2300. I went in as a smoker, and I enjoyed my smoking but knew it was not helping my drive to get fit at the time, and I went in there being very skeptical because I find the usual americanised sermon type make-you-feel-good sessions to be quite comical, I was serious but not serious about the method that I expected, if you get my point. Anyway, the workshop, a half day thing, didn't harp on religion, or the reasons why smoking is bad eg health risks, etc, instead it works on the reasons why we DO smoke from various angles and it changed my whole psychological perception and reasoning to smoking. Throughout the session we smoked, in that 6 hours I smoked more than I normally did in that time frame. But just before the end we had our last smoke break of the day, where I stood alone under a tree and smoked my last cigarette, so emotional I cried like a baby. But that was it, I walked out of there as a non-smoker with invigorated excitement for a new life and felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders and a cloud in front of me had cleared (and I don't mean the cigarette smoke). Yes it was difficult for the first few weeks because the physical addiction fought hard, but I knew what to expect and understood that 95% of the cravings were psychological and I knew how to fight back until the physical addiction monster eventually died and I was free of the curse.

What I don't get is why isn't there something like that for drinking? The same system won't work because the addiction is different, it grips differently and has different effects and consequences, but surely there must be some sort of psychological bomb and reasoning that can change us in one swoop, without having to commit to a lifetime of twice-weekly AA meetings with a bunch of sad people with sad stories all preaching the gospel to each other for the strength to carry on with their lives; or having to spend thousands of bucks and weeks of time one generally does not have to go to some fancy rehab clinic, isolated from family and freedom. Ok I realise the AA is a generalization but that's the impression I get about AA, albeit the AA speaker tapes podcasts I've been listening to are more like stand-up comedies with moral life lessons, all Americans talking in front of large auditoriums full of American audiences. Like I said before, I find it hard to take those overly positive and comical sermons seriously!

Maybe the problem is I'm looking for a quick fix for something that can't be fixed quickly because the current available methods are not for me. This is why in my blog I said it's a lonely place, because I need and want the help but it is simply non-existent, which baffles me in a society so controlled and corroded by alcoholism.

Basically - impoverished non-believers don't have a hope unless they go it alone and fight it alone, and that's how I'm feeling, and I AM a believer, just not convinced my faith can break me away from something that is in such control of my life, and admittedly, something I enjoy in some twisted way. I generally do like drinking, I love socializing with alcohol, but I hate being drunk, yet when I start drinking I go all out until I am legless and an incoherent fool.

Of course the issue of my family walking out is always a constant concern, it is a fear that if happened I would be one sorry ass waste of space. Yet somehow that first drink always gets the better of my common sense, justified by the fact that I'm generally a "fun" drunk. I get talkative and sociable and never violent or aggressive, and it's usually after bed time so my daughter seldom sees it.

But anyway, batting this all out in writing helps make a better understanding in my own head. Sometime, somehow, I'll figure out a solution. Hopefully before it's too late!"

Alternatives to Alcoholics Anonymous

This post goes back to my long time problem of alcoholism. I've always been open about it, it's no secret I drink more than I should, and I've been on the market for a "cure" for quite some time now. But that's the problem, I know it's a bad thing and doing me a lot of harm, and I really do want to give up the bottle. In fact the idea of life without being drunk actually excites me. But on the other side there is a very convincing part of my mind that likes drinking, and getting drunk, despite the idiotic logic of that knowing that I'm like any other drunk - an idiot!

The thing is, I gave up smoking 9 months ago by changing my whole mentality about smoking (thanks to the Allen Carr clinic), and with some will power and the correct reasoning I was strong enough to kick the habit and I'm happier for it! Why can't I do it with drinking? The answer is I need help and support, and I have no idea where to get that. By support I don't mean lectures and threats from my family; it needs to be a positive, encouraging thing with some sort of psychological incentives! See I know all this, even just about have the answers, but I don't know how to go it alone.

By now you're shouting "AA, AA, go to AA...", well I tried that years ago. I went to the Table View group on two occasions and I felt wrong being there, I felt like an outcast slipping into a group of old established friends. It was awkward and somewhat frightening, it was a big step for me, and I didn't feel comfortable being there. Saying that, I did stand up when my turn came around the circle and introduced myself (though not as an alcoholic, that just felt weird), I din't know what to say! I put my name on the list and was promised a call, and a welcome pack. Neither materlialised, and I suppose I just felt a combination of being too shy, and unimportant, to go back. A month later after slogging it out on my own with much determination I was back on the bottle, with much relief.

Having said that, I was not against the whole AA thing completely, mainly because I didn't understand it and I don't know of any other alternatives other than expensive rehab programmes, which are not an option for me because of the huge expense of money and time; and I'm not sure if I believe in the AA method, in that it is based on relying on a "higher power". In other words the belief that God will help me stop drinking.

Now I am a Christian, a born again one from many years ago. I do believe in God, the bible, etc, I am a religious person, and that is a personal thing to me. But I don't see how that will solve my drinking problem, I don't believe it will. I need a more practical solution.

My question is this: is the AA and it's methods of handing my alcohol problem over to God the only "affordable" solution to alcoholism, the only way I will be able to get the support I need to fight the disease? Or do I need to support somebody's expensive rehab business to save my own life and the well-being and future of my family?

Somehow I don't think it is, but what else is there because I can't find it! Googling shows me there are other types of support groups, mostly in the USA, but nothing here in Cape Town.

I am considering giving the AA another chance in the future. I have downloaded hundreds of podcasts of AA speakers, lectures and testimonials, which I have been spending hours listening to while doing my job, and they are somewhat encouraging listening to other people's stories, some are inspirational, some are funny, some are outright dull and sensationalist. But I'm not judging, I'm trying to see the positives of the program. But always it comes back to these people being saved by their "higher power".

Of course there's the 12 steps too, which is all very confusing to me, apart from the fact it is also very much of a lesson in spirituality of the faith kind, not the bottled kind!

So what to do? Who do I speak to? Where do I go? I don't want to want alcohol in my life anymore, I want to be in control of this beast, and ultimately take back control of my own life!

Despite all the public campaigns about alcohol and it's problems, and all the hoo haa and bloated opinions and everybody having the answers, this place where I'm at is a very lonely place because I am alone with my problem and I don't want to be alone anymore.

Maybe I need to stop being so skeptical, maybe I should just try the AA again and go with the flow and see how it goes, despite feeling like I don't fit in there and not believing in the program before even starting it. Or maybe I should just keep quiet and once again try to distract myself with other activities like exercise, photography, etc, and hope it lasts longer than the last time.

I don't know!

This is my thoughts... and right now I'm looking forward to a drink tonight again! My logic being - if I'm hungover tomorrow I won't drink tomorrow night, which will mean Saturday will be productive. But then Saturday night I'll probably drink again, rendering Sunday another complete waste of a day lumping out on the couch and getting nothing done, and God knows I have a lot to do! But at least half the weekend was productive... this is how my mind justifies the drink...

Long overdue update!

Hello to whoever reads this!

I know it's been a very long time since my last post on this blog. Admittedly it's good to be back! For a while this blog was my best buddy, I can say what I like and it doesn't disagree or kak me out yet the sharing of ideas is often inspirational, makes rational sense, and contributes to constructive reasoning in my own mind! Maybe we, I mean I, should be schizophrenic! Nothing like a bit of hearty internal debate - we could talk ourselves into doing some good with our life and discuss great ideas, gossip about the twats and losers that surround us, plot to take over the world, etc, and nobody even need know why we're laughing!

Insane, more likely!

It's actually better this way - stick to yourself, mind your own business, and don't get involved! Don't ever get involved, especially when it comes to family politics! I won't get my arse burned with that again!

Well the last few months I've been very busy with other endeavors, mostly building my photography business and doing all things related, trying to create some sort of a professional career out of taking pictures. See my website for progress: www.jdk-photography.co.za. It's a very time consuming business, a lot to do and a lot to learn! Being a photographer is more than taking pretty pictures and slapping them on Facebook, in that sense everybody is a photographer these days! There is a technical aspect to learn to be better than the next guy, and of course one needs to actually run a business to make a profit, and that takes time and effort and financial resources, a notorious schlep for the creative person! The website also has a blog, though it's more of a professional thing to showcase my work and discuss all things photographic, mainly as a means to be more interactive with people and not a platform to bitch about my life and my problems, which is what this blog is for. I mean, I'd hate for potential clients to get the impression I think the world owes me a favour, like my cousin Luigi, whom I have absolutely nothing to do with, seems to think. But I'm not interested in the arrogant opinions, life's too short and precious to be bothered with that sort of trivial crap!

Anyway, as a follow on from the last post, I have still not broken on the smoking thing, I've proudly not had a cigarette since 5 December last year, almost 9 months now, and perfectly happy without it. As for the health and fitness thing, that went out the window and stayed out in the cold for the winter. After all the weight lost and fitness gained I got lazy and packed on a few kilo's again in the last few months. It is just not fun running in the cold, wet darkness of winter (that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it!) But fear not dear fans, spring is around the corner and time has come to get back on that wagon, get the running shoes back on, and lose the winter flubber coat to expose the goodness within. Of course with the addition of a half decent privately acquired tan too! The added bonus is Virgin Active is building a massive new gym 5 minutes walk from my house! So no more excuse of having to navigate the traffic and Nigerians of Parklands & Table View to get the 20 minute drive to the gym. I can even go in the mornings now, when the place is built, and be back home by 6am to make breakfast, iron school uniforms, pack lunches, and get myself ready in time to pack the family off to school and work! What an awesome start to the day that will be!

In fact the thought of getting fit and handsome again is quite exciting. Though getting the fat ass back to the gym is going to take some determination! It always does when I've been out for action for a while!

The only problem is that healthy eating has become impossibly expensive so the incredible diet we went on last year will not happen quite the same! The cost of the ingredients for lunch salads, breakfast smoothies, fresh vegetables and healthy food options has become so expensive I cannot afford it, diets are for rich people. So a balance of the healthiest affordable foods in between sandwiches, pastas & potatoes and a regular exercise plan is going to have to suffice!

I'll do my best to pop in the occasional update to this blog as time goes by, it won't be another 8 months before the next entry appears! There is in fact a topic I would like to discuss, which I'll do in the next post, which centers around alcohol and my issues with it! Same old story, same old struggle, so don't bother reading it if you intend to bloat your own ego at the expense of my weakness.